this self same mother that was NEVER there for him as a child and NEVER there while we were going out, getting married, going through hard times she ONLY turned up when she wanted something. Which rhe ex - always tried to give her, HE always has forgiven and pretended she didnt do him wrong as a child and when he told her he needed money she said she wouldnt lend it to him - not even bus money - when we were getting married she gave him names of 'friends' that had always fancied him, and then on MY hen night - took over - DRUNK and bought me a bottle of sparkling wine - being chilled in the dirtyest mop bucket you have ever seen - i woke up the next morning to find her on the floor with her sisters husband - yeah - classy, in fact - well - it seems like now he finally has the mother he wanted - because she is aiding him to leave and go stay with her, with my two children - who she has babysat for - ohhh about 5 times in the last two years and thats it - in a lovely but smoke filled two bedroom flat, with my two wonderful children - who HATE smoke - away from their animals and mother - because - HE CAN'T PUT UP WITH MY BEHAVIOR SINCE I HAVE TUMORS GROW IN MY HEAD... Got my diagnosis, then within a few months, we started sleeping apart, then he asks for a seperation. Then a Divorce.
But - truth be told I want a divorce too - I'd never be with someone that didnt want to be with me, and i dont want to make things difficult for anyone. I thought we were friends - but obviously not.
Thing is - I KNOW my behavior is unacceptable - but - due to uncontrollable rushes and decreases of hormone ( Due to Pituitary Tumors ) I CAN'T STOP ..... seriously - CAN'T NOT WON'T, I could not live with me either - and this behaviour doesnt have a ..................ohh cant think - anything can bring it on - and i wil do it in front of anyone - and not give a dam - i swear terribly - tourette style - when i am in a 'storm' - but when i am not - i hardly swear - no more than the next man, I will also say and do things out of character - make things up - all just to hurt the person who has 'wronged' me ... I have put on huge amounts of weight - from 11 to 23 stone - got huge amounts of acne - smell - pmsl - ok maybe that is cause i do pmsl - but ffs, and now i seem to suffer from a kinda of social phobia - BUT I LOVE GOING OUT .... so I miss out on everything - I dont stop him taking kids anywhere - holidays etc etc - He goes out three times a week to - well - we all know where nudge nudge wink wink - and yeah - we are seperated thats cool - BUT when he rings or texts to say he isnt coming home - and then my mum has to wake the kids up to take them back to her house as i am so bloody unpredictable THEN THATS NOT ON - and he thinks its just so i have control over him and what he is doing - and that is so far from the truth ..
Ohh had i said that my mother - older than 60 - but if i tell you how old she will make sure i have a very nasty death and i want to go peacefully -like my grandmother, in my sleep - not like the passengers in her car at the time - scared and screaming.. ok ok - maybe thats not funny - but IM NOT A BLOODY DEPRESSIVE, it's the ilness and the situation that are making me so unhappy. Cant be left with my kids , cant go out, the fucking negativity is killing me - CAUSE IM POSITIVE and MOTIVATIONAL..... shut up - yes i am !!
and i have done EVERYTHING that i have been asked to do - been open to the fact that it may be a mental health problem - not an issue - I have been told many any times that my pituitary Tumor often comes over as Bipolar type symptoms - but- if you take time to speak to me - it's FAR more complex - I go in and out of depressions / highs / lows / anger / rage after seconds and instantaniously - i can bring myself down or up by taking a decent dose of Diazepam ( have taken anything upto 30mg - in one dose - but just not hooked - i can leave it off for weeks and not be worried - i dont want to take the stuff - so if i dont have to - i wont - It can be over within seconds if someone speaks to me.....but - as this is known - so - i get left - so i start talking t myself - sound like a right nutter, and end up screaming and shouting - walking down the street in my pj's threatening to top myself, so he comes and gets me - I kinda want him to get me - but kinda don;t - i dont want to have to carry on like this - always the threat and it is a total THREAT of taking my kids away from me
and THATS been a total phobia ever since i gave birth - i have always had thoughts that someone would take them away - irrational - yeah - maybe - but - i have always had a bloody good sence of imagination .. always - and actually - thats a GOOD thing - because - its turned out to be true - so does this mean never to trust anyone ??? Id hate the thought of that - as i trust far too easily..... Everything that my ex had to put up with in his childhood - THAT'S NOT HIS FAULT- thats the way he was bought up - nothing he could have done - BUT his mum could have done something - if she wasnt drinking - and he has run back to her - ffs - he had a MASSIVE back operation - disks removed and none of his side of the family came to visit - he was in hospital for a few weeks - lost use of his legs - I had just had a baby - and we heard nothing, MY family were there - ALL the time we asked them - always..
I am NOT having my chldren bought up or around a person who drinks to excess for one - or smokes to excess number two or number three doesnt like animals - and the ex has started to revert back now - when we were first together he liked - or at least pretended he liked the animals i had - now - well - he is ok with the dog - but the cats - omg - he hates them.... and how can you hate the two cutest, friendliest, smiliest creatures that bring so much joy to your children - THAT'S NOT NORMAL.....
please excuse the spelling and typing errors in this blog as i have said i am doing this in bed - not my normal pc- and i can barely keep the bloody laptop still ! let alone think of spelling and punctuation ! ohh go me - spelt that right !
Anyways - today - i had done EVERYTHING, went out with aunt and had a lovely coffee n chat - lol -chatted her ear off - ok ok ok moaned at her ! - then a wander round a warehouse store thing - brilliant fun - rhen home - did a video for my youtube - and omg see me in those im chatty and fun and laughy - not this solum bad ass moany nagging biatch..... my laughing videos - thats me - i am lovely- I FUCKING AM !
Now the bloody hmp on my back is hurting - and - nope don't tell anyone that that has started to hurt recently- they all think i moan too much !! ok - i think they think !!
BUT now - going back to the subject - he wants to move in with God bloody Zilla, and if this goes live - well - all hell could break losose -but thing is - I havnt and actually never do lie - i havnt said anything that isnt true.... so you tell me - am i being harsh ??
He has apparently even told my daughter that we took the 'In sickness and in health ' bit out of our marrage vows - well - i dont remember that - i definatey took out the TO OBEY bit - no bloody chance do I obey anyone !!! and i also took out the ' your father will give you away ' bit - as - nope he stuck with me - and i dont want him giving me away - for a start im my own person and no-ones o give away - but - well - my dad is totally adorable - and id be heartbroken if he gave me away - so he kinda lent ..... na - didnt put that either - i think he said he would agree with the marrage or somethign !!!! lol - bles him
How and why say that to your 10 year old if you dont have something to hide - stop stop - im not bothered - its the fact that he said it - i DON'T want to be with him now anyways - god knows what he might have - BUT - i DO HAVE very strong 'friend' feelings for him - and i dont think he realises everything i do is becuase i love him as a friend and nothing else - i wouldnt touch him with a barge pole ater whata he did to me - BUT Id NEVER want harm to come to him - and I HONESTLY think he IS trying hs best .... Im just too much
BUT to keep taking MY kids off ... at the drop of a hat, and now over easter - well - im on my own easter sunday - i have the kids good friday and easter monday - but - becuae mum has to be there ALL THE TIME with the kids - I can only do a few hours before my head starts to go funny, so i will go home - and they go round to mums and dads - cause ohhhh yeah - HIS side of the family divorce as soon as illness erupts - or well - for whatever reason - all of his family are divorced- except the VERY nice ones - he rest - well- and a sister - she is adoable and lovely - but - well - black sheep isnt the name for it -she was ignored and still is by alot - treated disgustingly, only one sister still really speaks - but thats only when there is gossip to be had...... and ets just say - each and eveyone of them has had animals - and when they are bored - they get rid - thats normal for them - and - for me - that says it all
and ok ok - your all saying im bitter and twisted now - TOO DAM RIGHT
I was taught marry your best friend - he hasnt got any best friends - it was just me - i shoulda known - no thats nasty an he isnt nasty - he just comes from a line of people who have been used to being trodden and walked on and have to beg for attention.... well - I am not and will nevr be anyones doormat ......
as u may have guessed i am strong and confident adn bloody fiesty - thing is i dont play games - and i feel they all are.... its bloody tough and i cant stand it
either stay where i am and put up with this shit
let him move out - but in doing so - condem my wonderful kids to a life that he had - because - eb=ven tho i dont want to say it - he does have a drink problem - but is tru=ying his hardest to control it - but if he lives with his mum - well - thats ot the window - she started him smoking again keep asking him - as she does me - but - i wont out of sheer bloody mindedness - but - with the pressure i put him under- he surcummed and now smokes ALOT.... Im in my 6th year of not smoking and my 8th year without drinking.... = yeah - feel no better - but - id be a hypocrite to start again now !
and if he moves out - because of my character - i get far far far to upset when MY CHILDEN get taken away - and then want to top myself - seriously - so - id rather not see them - and if i can't se the two thing that are my heart and mind - then - what the fuck is there ??
OBVIOUSLY my parents, and aunt, uncle and Cousin n her wonderful hubby - BUT they all have each other - and they have husbands / wives to fall abck on - I have no-one - and cause of my ilness - no-body is gonna want this ok VERY SEXY, funny,lovely but Humungous fat ill thing now are they ! ... sad fact my brother moved to australia 20 years ago - and i must have spoken to him 15 times in that time- he is just far too busy - so - nope havnt even got him .............. I cnt look after the animals properly, so - when my beloved peggatyPawz goes - im gonna be petrified- as i have always had large dogs for protection - once again the blinking imagination comes into play - and although Dave ( my unicorn ) is fabulous and so very handsome, he hasnt got a bark like a big dog and wont stop a burglar
Well - so much for a light hearted fun humerous blog - fuck that - do or die tonight
and Im hungry bu wont go downstairs - as he has lefta bloody great mess - after the WHOLE place was spotless, i even cooked a lovely chicken cassarole- which i havnt been able to do for years - lmao - and if they dotn make it back from rugby - maybe best not again cause im still almost sure it was my chocolate cake that killed my grandfather - as it was the last thing to eat - and i know i cant cook - dont know why i bother, ohhh yeah - im NOT going down to clean up after that messey fu**er (ohhh getting better using ***** now !! ) again - it was spotless - everything done, down to bns emptied and welll - everything - and he comes in for two hours and leave a bloody mess again - saying - i had loads to do - yeah - like play fifa or something equally as imporant - o ok he was doing spellings with cass - which i cant do - as im as shite as her at them and well the times table is way past me - and even when i was reading out a janet and john type funny book today - i even got that wrong - cause my sodding head cant concentrate !
If you dont laugh you cry !! and on that - i have even started a playlist on my youtube channel called- laughter the best medicine' blow me - i should wack this on there !!
CAUSE I ALWAYS TRY WHERE I CAN - thats why !
ohhh dont know where that came from ! - pmsl - and now i have that off my chest i feel much much much better - and - as i havnt lied -why the hell cant i publish it ??? My ex is the only one of that family that cared for me - and i know he still does - the rest have done nothing to help me or the kids- so - i owe them nothing - HE ... on the other hand - they owe him HUGELY and i just wish he would see that - he is a good guy - and cant help his past - but - he should recognise the people that actualy care - and not the people who care for what they can get.....
OK - i'm bored now and forgotton what this is about .... ohh i was gonna stop taking my tablets and top myself wasnt i - but- ive talked myself round - he is NOT taking my kids to HER house - HE can go - go and get the long rest that he needs -
and the kids will have to learn to put up with my moods BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING ILLNESS and i can do nothing more about it....... i OBVIOUSLY would not put my own wonderful kids through this if i had a choice- BUT I am THEIR mother - and I dont want them thinking i ABANDONED them - so yeah o - atm -he can fuck off- but those kids are staying with me...... I AM NOT A PART TIME PARENT - I dont go out at night - cause i need a break - I have to deal with what i have been dealt - and in fact -
IM DOING A FUCKING GOOD JOB
Ohhhhhhhh shite they all get home - i say to Son that he is NOT going away - and he tells me he is becuse i am not excactally responsible when i am ill - so he will stay with dad - so - well -thats told me - try and be strong and loving and wanting and - get kicked in the teeth - naaa - i wont stop - but- ffs please give me a break
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