PeggatyPawz: GLAMPING - ROAST DINNERS - ABILAND & A BRAIN TUMO...

PeggatyPawz: GLAMPING - ROAST DINNERS - ABILAND & A BRAIN TUMO...: GLAMPING - ROAST DINNERS - ABILAND & A  BRAIN TUMOUR ! OMG = I havnt / don't seem to have done this for ages and ages !! - I suppo...

PeggatyPawz: AFTER I OVER DO IT TUESDAY - PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOU...

PeggatyPawz: AFTER I OVER DO IT TUESDAY - PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOU...: AFTER I OVER DO IT TUESDAY - PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOUR   Well this morning I woke up at 5am - stayed in bed till 5.30am - got up, shower...

Pituitary Tumour AWARENESS - What it is like living with day to day !!

Pituitary Tumour AWARENESS -

What it is like living with day to day !!

 

Goooooooooooooooooooood Morning to one and all - and firstly I have to apologise - I see on my main page that I have loads of comments - but my brain cant comprehend how to actually see them !! So please bear with me - EVENTUALLY I will get someone to show me ! - lmao- then i will forget ;) !! - Like I just forgot to give the dog any of my toast - and she is starring at me with daggers ( She USUALLY has toast every morning - and it sets her up for the day )  and I actualy had no excuse as the bloody cat ( Just the one cat - Derek - as Rodney is a good boy and KNOWS how to behave ! ) BUT Del has left his marks upon me from shinning up and down my back and arms trying to nick the toast from me - BUT - I just kinda blanked that out as he was doing it !! So now im covered in marks - that's are bleeding - and OMG - HOW CAN THEY BLEED - WHEN - IF I GO TO GET MY BLOODS TAKEN - THE PHLEBOTOMIST CAN NEVER GET A VEIN - and usually uses either between fingers or back of hand or foot !! - Next time I will take derek and some toast along I think !! Anyways - these marks will now ballon up - and bruise like I have been kicked and punched all over - and I will look like a domestic abuse case - doesn't help that I wont cover up either - WHY SHOULD I ? - I know its nothing funny going on and do HONESTLY think people should be far less judgemental = THATS MY THING ATM !! Anyway I have gone off on one - and this i dont think is anything to do with what I wanted to say - ohhh then again - maybe it is ?? - pmsl - Ohhh I dont know !! GOD I WAFFLE !!

 

 

 

Anyway - the cycle i am in atm - I was awake and posting on Facebook at 1.30 - and then awake and on twitter and looking at papers online at 5am !! Quite awake and quite happy - no pain - or upset - JUST WIDE AWAKE !!ohhhhhhhhhhhhh now im itchy and in pain from tincy pin prick kitten nails in my skin tho - god they are itchy !! Ohh shit- now he has found the butter knife in the sink and is pickig it up and dropping it = I swear he KNOWS this is gonna wind me right up - HE IS A TROUBLE MAKER THAT KITTEN ! Now - What was I saying - Ohh yeah - Anyways - got up at 6.30am after checking ukcupid for YET MORE ridiculas comments - and then came downstairs- wel - it was lovely - Just as I ha left it - except the carpet / rug near the washing machine had become a kitten play toy over night - OHHHHHHHH - NO - THEY WERE LOCKED IN THE FRONT ROOM - so I have NO IDEA how the rug got to be in the state it was - as I ALWAYS leave the place EXACTALLY the same - and when I say exactly = I MEAN EXACTALLY - ( kids not here ( Tom at Scout Camp and Cassia with mum  and so the ex was out on the town last night, I cant go out at night as I get freaked by noise and sound and lmao - well everything - and its not a confidence thing - I DONT HAVE A CONFIDENCE ISSUE -

 

 

 

 it truly just sets my head off - may have something to do with the dark and the bright lights of cars and shops ???  ) If I come down and the place is a mess - WELL - IMMEDIATE ANGER STORM - CLICK YOUR FINGERS AND IM GONE ! - POOOOF !! = That quick - WHY CANT THEY LEAVE IT AS MEANT- and OMG - I EVEN Viacal'ed the Kitchen Sink last night, as well as Hoovered and tidied and washing up done and put away and washing clothes done and put away - Cleaned both bathrooms, inc got on hands and knees and did floors - cleaned cats out - put cushions straight - let dog out - fed / watered dog / fed / watered and put toys in their place ! for the Kittens - Gave everyone a cuddle before bed - then shut kittens in room ( As they come to say hello at 3am - AND OMG - OFF ON ONE AGAIN - - SEE MY MIND WANDERS AND I GET DISTRACTED !! - Yes all the above was done while I had X-Factor on - and I forgot I was watching X-Factor - and started cleaning - then I remembered again - and watched a bit - then got bored with it - so turned it off and video blogged a confidence video about a guy who was on X-Factor -

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vm6fR0S0Gho - omg- 85 views just from last night !!

 

 

ANYWAYS - It was mum's fault - she told me the Viakall stuff was amazing, and got rid of lime scale and watermarks etc etc = AND I ACTUALLY BOUGHT THE STUFF - I WAS BOVVERED - as Catherine Tate would say !! - NOW THAT SHOWS IM NOT RIGHT IN THE HEAD !!

 

 

 

 

Anyways - came down and everything was fine- I had taken all my tablets ( lmao - Thyroxine x 4 , a low blood pressure x 1 - and two for anxiety - which seem to make me even worse !! - I have NOTHING to take for the bloody tumour in my head - except diazepam to calm me when I go HULK or relax me when I get anxious - I don't mean just worried- I mean full on screaming if something scares me - or if in car I think people are driving at me - or the driver of my car wont stop !! lol )

 

Ermmm - Made COFFEE - NEVER EVER EVER EVER TEA - TEA DRINKERS I DONT TRUST - ITS INSIPID STUFF - ( Ohh did I tell you I have very peculiar views on things !! - and I 100% believe them - BUT - that's BRILLIANT - IT MAKES ME UNIQUE AND DIFFERENT IS GOOD !! ) I wouldn't want to be the same as everyone else - although if truth be told - I would like to be thinner - as its bloody hard being the size I am - BUT - AGAIN - I TRY NOT TO LET THAT STOP ME - I DONT overeat - and it is purely because my body is in famine mode and my Thryoid and metabolism doesn't work !! Do people understand that - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! - They think I have a stack of biscuits in my bedside table - ohhh hang on I do - BUT - they last weeks - as when i get a cortisol high - I GET STARVING, TRUELY AND UTTERLY STARVING - READY TO KILL HUNGRY  = and this usually happens in the middle of the night - and instead of coming downstairs - as usually my legs are too tired and wouldn't make it up again - I keep a packet or two of rich tea in my bedside table ! - Kinky stuff huh !!

 

 

 

 

I think I have gone off again and am skiping back and forth as I think of things - sorry if this makes no sence !! - lmao - BUT - WELL - GET OVER IT AND PIECE IT TOGETHER - lmao !! The other thing that gets to me is People who say daft things - lmao - ( I DO ALL THE TIME - BUT ITS OK FOR ME !! ) ie - I said to someone- Ive gone to get my son a birthday present - and they sent a txt back - ohhh have you gone on your own - OHHH THIS MAKES ME FUCKING MAD - I CANT GO ANYWHERE BY MYSELF - NO OF COURSE I HAVNT GONE ALONE - I don't understand why people don't get it - I don't really think its that hard- then someone said - you should pop round for a cuppa - FFS - IM MORE OR LESS HOUSEBOUND - HOW IAM I MEANT TO GET THERE - JUMP ON MY UNICORN ?? ( ohhhhhh Thats a whole different story - see Abiland blog  !! ) so i send a public reply - get of your ass and come get me - I WANNA DO EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING - but people think im lazy and just dont want to go out !! = ok - I cant go out for long- or if I have too much mental stimulation I start to stutter - and words don't come - and then the head hurts - and then I get anxious = but ok - it happens - I know I have to go to sleep then - so I take myself away to my room -

 

 

Its strange I cant Read easily without forgetting or loosing concentration - but I can talk about ME for hours - and hours and hours - that takes no concentration you see - hence me doing my blogs - it keeps my mind busy - so I don't go and make a noise ( Because I AM the noisyiest person you could ever meet !! ) I also do YouTube- where some of my videos make sence - and some dont- and I also do facebook and Twitter and pinterest and Google+ ( If you want to follow me - its Abigail Barry, AbigailBarry1 on twitter - PeggatyPawz on blogger and Abigail Barry on Youtube !  = These all keep me informed and interested in other stuff and helps me give something back - because I do a fair few confidence videos - when I remember !! - Now i can read on the computer - not too bad - but - if I read a book - I cant - IN MY OPINION - it is because of the angle of my head - if it is in certain angles I start loosing concentration - pain starts = eyes go blurry = andi start to stutter = I know - I know - all very odd.. - That's why I don't drive anymore - Because I find it hard looking left and right - OHHH AND THE ROAD RAGE TOO !! lmao !! If someone isn't polite- I GO HULK !!

 

 

 

OK - Im tired now - head starting to slow - I think I have been up too long- lamo - at 10;34am !! - BUT REMEMBER IVE BEEN UP AND BUSY since 5am !!  - Ohhh have I done a day to day blog - I have no idea- and I don't think I said what I was going to - lmao - but - it gives you some idea of how my mind wanders and how I get easily distracted -

INVISIBLE ILLNESS - JUSTMAKING IT UP !!!

 

 

 

 

 

 



PITUITARY RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE = BEWARE CHANGES IN BEHAVIOUR

PITUITARY RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE =

BEWARE CHANGES IN BEHAVIOUR

A GENERAL OVERVIEW - FROM MY OPINION -

 

After diagnosis and treatment for a Pituitary brain tumor, I have not been the same.

 me aged 10

 

 me ( and ex ) aged 20

 

 Me now = aged 40 ( I know I know - I don't look it ! )

 

Changes in behavior and thinking occur in the majority of patients, and I have experienced this hugely at some point during diagnosis.
The extent of changes can vary considerably from person to person. Changes can be as subtle as mild forgetfulness or as dramatic as deep depression or abusive, violent outbursts ( Just the The HULK ) - or in many cases all of these combined -

A Pituitary brain tumor can have a major impact on Most patients. A person who was completely confident and able may lose the ability to work and to handle financial matters.  An independent individual may become unable to drive a car and suddenly find herself totally dependent on others. Such serious losses can lead to frustration, anger, and depression.

Tumor location influences the type of symptoms. Here is an example:

While sitting in the front room with her ex husband Alan, Abigail Barry suffered a terrible headache. Right between the eyes - and pressure at the back of the head -  She became too disoriented and confused to continue Reading. The next morning Abby awoke feeling better and thought everything was fine. Instead, she had a frightening and shocking surprise.

“As I drank my coffee and began to look at the computer, I was struck with the horror of not being able to read one word. I could not believe it. The words held no meaning. I looked in my purse to see if I could recognize myself on any photo ID or at least read my Till receipts. To my amazement I comprehended nothing. I was unrecognizable to myself. The person sitting across from me at the breakfast table looked somewhat familiar, but I couldn't comprehend anything. I thought I had lost my mind.”
A Pituitary Brain Tumour and Enlarged Pituitary Gland severely affected Abby’s memory and language centers. Effects of pressure or “disconnection” of interrelated brain areas can cause problems that might not be expected. The illustration below identifies brain functions and their locations.

Brain functions

•  Frontal lobe: Movement, intelligence, reasoning, behavior, memory, personality, planning, decision making, judgment, initiative, inhibition, mood 
• Temporal lobe: Speech, behavior, memory, hearing, vision, emotions 
• Pituitary gland: Hormones, growth, fertility 
• Parietal lobe: Intelligence, reasoning, telling right from left, language, sensation, reading
• Occipital lobe: Vision
• Cerebellum: Balance, coordination, fine muscle control
• Brain stem: Breathing, blood pressure, heartbeat, swallowing

Pituitary tumors can have an effect on personality by causing the overproduction or underproduction of hormones. Hormonal imbalances can cause problems with mood, emotions, body weight and many other things.

 ( My fav quote )

Emotions may remain close to the surface and result in excessive crying or laughing, anger, or depression. Many Pit Patients experience all of these as part of their daily routine ....
Troublesome symptoms such as lack of sleep, forgetfulness, and pain can play a role in making things worse by causing irritability and frustration. Thinking, speed, attention, concentration, language, motor skills, and mood, also the individual’s ability to plan, reason, initiate, and organize are affected by the Pituitary Tumour pressing on parts of the brain -
THIS I UNDERSTAND IS ALL QUITE NORMAL
Most Pit Patients go through this and it is very very scarey - even though the pit patient looks as though they are coping and are Happy and smiley - Underneath it all - THEY ARE NOT

UNDERSTANDING IS NEEDED BY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ....

Sharing feelings with family and friends is essential for any person dealing with this illness. A Pituitary Patient can usually talk for hours on end about themselves, I know I can ! - BUT - Ask them a question - and all of a sudden my Mind goes blank - I could start to stutter, my  head may start to shut down, Headache start, and I may not be able to think or express what I am trying to say - I may very well swear - THE VERY WORST FOUL LANGUAGE ANYONE COULD USE = and it doesn't matter who is in ear shot - and then I could start attacking the people who I love the most - the people who help and try to care for me -

Most Pituitary Patients feel terrible about this - BUT WONT apologise for behaviours shown while in a 'Storm' - as this would increase the feeling that they were in control - where - in fact - they ARE NOT .. Anti-depressant medications are the only thing that works - CBT and Councilling are of no help -
THIS IS A MEDICAL MATTER - AND NOT PSYCHOLOGICAL ( But most people can be forgiven into thinking otherwise ) Although Pit Patients may very well be made to attend MANY MANY psychological Meetings - Once again getting very very annoying and Making you think 'Your going mad' !!

Patients and family members often don’t understand why some remote memories from years ago remain intact - ( and others are lost ) - yet the person can not remember where she puts things, forgets appointments, forgets cooking things -  or keeps repeating the same information over and over and over and over and over again. The patient isn’t being difficult or careless or trying to be annoying,  These symptoms are a function of the illness process

Devices such as date books, calendars, personal organizers (such as a Palm computers), checklists, watch alarms, and weekly pillboxes are not useful as reminders, UNLESS SET AS PART OF A DAILY ROUTINE . A Pituitary Patient often gets distracted and ignores these 'reminders' Because they are too pre-occupied with what they are doing and don't want to stop - in case they forget !  - again - it is not done on purpose - it is just ...... Just !!
Setting up a routine and sticking to it can help greatly. But this will then be adheared too over and over again - and if the routine is broken - Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - This is NOT good !!

In rare cases, ( I am one )  a person can suffer from agitation or paranoia. Behavior can become aggressive or combative. These behaviors can be caused or intensified by various medications. ( While I was on a Drug for Epilepsy I threw a chair at and punched my twelve year old son ) - Doctors manage these symptoms by modifying drug dosages, or by prescribing antipsychotic drugs or tranquilizers - often Diazepam which the Patient has to control themselves - .
Aggressive behavior is particularly difficult when safety becomes an issue. The best strategy is to pay attention to warning signs of growing anger or threats of violence. and DO NOT BECOME CONFRONTATIONAL - THE PATIENT BY THIS TIME IS OUT OF CONTROL - AND ILLNESS HAS TAKEN OVER. TRY to get the Patient to go to a place where there is NO SOUND and no lights and No Movement - Quite simply a darkened silent room - Medicate - and all will be well !!

THE PITUITARY RAGE ( On a lighter note ! )

For a Pituitary Patient - This is no rare occurrence, but there's no doubt every RAGE is different... Here's the five levels of Pituitary rage every Patient and Carer should know about:

Level 1 - Standard Pituitary Rage

Notes: Generally occurs at home. Manageable without skin loss.

Warnings Signs/Traits: Protruding bottom lip, mild stroppiness and an inability to make full eye contact or respond to own name. Occasional throwing of nearby objects and mild violence towards nearby animals/woodland creatures. ( None of which is meant - but always occurs )

General Causes: Saying no to a 75th episode of Eastenders, suggesting something other than Chinese for dinner, pointing out that a spoon really is more effective for eating peas than a palm/face combo or recommending that due to the torrential rain perhaps today is not the day for walking outside in sundress and sandles fun.

Treatment: Usually appeasable with biscuits, grapes and a 75th episode of Eastenders, ohh and Diazepam - one or two should do it ! .

Level 2 - The Body Flop Pituitary Rage

Notes: Will nearly always occur in public, in the vicinity of tutting old people and/or judgemental mothers, Who wear lipgloss. Who will no doubt be Glared at by Patient - if not shouted at ...
Warning Signs/Traits: Sudden eye locking and maybe getting louder followed by spurts of laugh-crying, Refusal to get into the car/shop/house - in fact refusal to be compliant in any way as long as it massively inconveniences you and causes more tuts from the lipgloss twats.

General Causes: You looked at them wrong, you didn't use your nice voice, you forgot to pack tissues  despite very specific requests, you made them wear a coat and three days ago you realised you'd run out of Milk and used stunned silence - DRIED MILK instead. This is simply not acceptable.
Treatment: You're gonna need some serious treats, a Dr Who DVD with David Tennant ( Of course ) - , the stamina for at least a 2-hour angry-stand off-coffee-debate and you will be required to set fire to all coats. ALL OF THEM. (Gin/Beer will be needed for this -.) Patient is NOT a child and does NOT require being told WHEN TO WEAR A FUCKING COAT !

Level 3 - The Angry Crab Pituitary Rage

Notes: Also known as the 'Contortionist's Strop'.

Warning Signs/Traits: This is what happens when you attempt to bring a Pituitary Patient out of a Body-Flop using a lifting or bending motion - BUT as MOST of you wil be aware - Pit Patients are generally - BIG women/Men and this is NO EASY FEAT ! -  No matter how much you try to manipulate them into a lift-able state they WILL resist... like soaped-up slippery ninja Unicorn sent to break your will power. And make you look like a wanker/Abusive Carer

General Causes: They've been planning this for days...

Treatment: This is a battle of wills. Never break first. You must stay strong, silent and in control.... Safe in the knowledge that tomorrow you are upping their Diazepam hours.

Level 4 - The Pituitary Patient Tornado
Notes: Hide all pets and breakable objects. Do not allow them near other people of any size because by now - they are THE HULK -  and Uncontrollable .... Other by Diazepam - and lots of it !
Warning Signs/Traits: Level 4s are fairly rare ( in every other household but mine - where they can happen daily ! ) but if they do happen it will be in a confined environment for maximum effect. Such as in a car, a restaurant, the queue at the post office, Front Room etc etc

General Causes: You took them in the car. Or to a restaurant. Or to the post office. Just when they felt a 'Storm' coming on -  How could you be so misguided as to think they would enjoy a Car drive ( Yes yes - The head is set off by movements and by moving from left to right and by making sure you are not TAKEN OUT by any oncoming - or in fact, cars behind you, There may well be repeated and VERY LOUD Swearing, of the worst kind ( in front of whoever ) and lots of jumping and hands over the eyes at this Particular event ) , or eating, or receiving gifts via post... You are so f@*king selfish.

Treatment: There's nothing for it but CRiPD.... Capture, Restraint, iPad, Diazepam, Use every trick at your disposeal . There's no such thing as too being OTT - ' I'll make a coffee' always a good start - GET AWAY for a little time - After giving Patient Diazepam Tablets to take - let them take effect = Be as nice and as amenable as you possibly can - TALK and do as told - BUT NOT IN A PATRONISING WAY !

Level 5 - The Silent Rage

Notes: Gin/Beer will be needed later.

Warning Signs/Traits: There are none. That's what's so terrifying... They don't react... they remain silent... biding their time... harvesting your weaknesses... waiting for their moment to strike.... You should be very afraid. VERY VERY AFRAID.

General Causes: F@*k knows... But you're on your own now...

Treatment: Sleep with one eye open and a knife under your pillow... thoroughly expect to woken up by your Pituitary Patient asking for keys to car - or keys to Tablet Box - and once you say you don't have them to hand - ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE - expect Screaming, Rocking, Throwing things, Everything brought up as too why you are a B@~CH or Ba@?<$D Things are made up - and thrown at you - BUT - WHAT EVER YOU DO - DO NOT APPROACH THE SILENT RAGE PATIENT - THIS IS DEADLY - as they WILL NOT STOP - AND WILL ATTACK IF THEY FEEL THEY ARE BEING DISRESPECTED OR ATTACKED THEMSELVES - and they WILL NEVER BACK DOWN - AGAINST ANYONE - and they are always right ... ALWAYS ....

 

Illness of a family member can cause emotional distress to the entire family. I require an active role from everyone to help me to find ways to cope. This may be VERY selfish and very Unthoughtful - BUT - YES - I do know everyone has their own lives - and I want that life to be as great as possible - Most of the time - I think that YOUR life can only be good - IF IM NOT HERE - So I ask for Attention - I cant get out - I cant drive - I cant visit people without someone being by my side - THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANTED -  AND I DEFINATELY DONT WANT TO BE A BURDEN - But - ATM I am having to live my life like this -  - and Im trying as best I can -

So PLEASE take a moment just to think - What it is like to be ME !

 

 

 

AFTER I OVER DO IT TUESDAY - PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOUR

AFTER I OVER DO IT TUESDAY -

PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOUR

 

Well this morning I woke up at 5am - stayed in bed till 5.30am - got up, showered, make up on - dressed - cleaned bathroom - came down - letdog out, cleaned out kittens, fed kittens and dog - hoovered floor - emptied dustbins - cleaned doors and walls and then sat down to a coffee - 7am - Then I went on facebook on my phone and did a few tweets and a few google+ stories - then that was enough - I started feeling - DODGY = Head slowing and feeling I wasn't wanted - ( I know this isn't right )

 

Went to Shopping Mall - 30 mins drive - eyes shut most of the way ( OBVIOUSLY NOT ME DRIVING !! ) otherwise im jumping and thinking the cars are coming at me - and yes I actually scream AND SWEAR UNCONTROLABLEY - but even then i was feeling heavy and tired and S.L.OW

 

Anyway - went to the few shops we needed to for the kids - had a Shouting at ex paddy in one of the shops as he went off and I couldn't see him - and I was worried that daughter was in changing rooms and if I moved she would get upset - so I stayed in same position for about 20 minutes - almost in tears I saw ex coming out of changing room - He was int here allt eh time

 

I didn't have to worry - WHY COULDNT HE JUUST TEL ME

 

I wandered off = not really knowing where i was going just aimlessly wandering - and I did get a little loud and call someone a slapper when they started staring - because I do stagger and just stand still and stare

 

Got home after an eventful lunch at sainsburyies - excuse spelling

 

STRAIGHT UP TO BED - AND SENT A DODGY - TEXT TO FAMILY ABOUT WHY SOME OF THEM DIDNT CARE LESS THAT I WAS ILL - THATS HOW IM FELING .. SO I TELL EM ! Then I switched phone off ... Its still off now

 



Woke up feeling couldn't get out of bed - everything so sos sososos heavy, desperate for the loo - eventually got up 25 mins after waking - everything heavy and hurt to move legs - felt about 50 stone - went to the loo and got back into bed - all without cleaning up anything on the way - or even making the bed !! - unheard of - I just got in !! .....

Lay there, Head HAVING to stay in one position - turning it left or right up / down made my whole head feel blurry and s.l.o.w. .... Pain behind eyes, and at temples - was brought a couple of paracetamol as I don't know what else to take - I think its more psychological that they .... I was gonna say make me feel better - but in reality - I still ( an hour and a half later ) feel crap ...

My legs feel so bloated and it is a GREAT effort to move them - and even moving my arms is a HUGE stain on my head - Whenever I do this I kinda slow even more - and my temples throb. 

Lifting my arms above my head is a definite no no - For some reason - I start to cry - or rather my tear ducts open - and I start to leak !! - and and that's when the stuttering and jumbled speech starts -

 I know what I want to say - but getting it out - and it sounds like total rubbish = although - to read this - it sounds ok - my head works - if I don't concentrate and just say whats happening but as soon as I think of what to type - then my head HURTS - and goes onto a slow ,,,,

Have to keep stoping to put my head in a different position as looking down - or looking up / side / stide is PAINFUL and hurts my eyes and the sides of my head.

Head feel VERY HEAVY

For some reason - im not sure why - I find myself shaking my head - maybe - my explaination - is to clear it ?? To make it go faster - as it is VERY VERY SLOW - now the back of my head is hurting and the sides are kinda pulsating, my arms are hurts as I am truing this = I am mouth breathing and the side of my head is actually quite painful -

Im forgetting to breathe as I type - so stop from time to time to bring head up and breathe and shut my eyes- this blanks everything out - and this helps hugely .....

As I do this - I dribble - ohhh so attractive ! - lmao - but I cant help it- im not bothered - my fingers have pins and needles in them and need shaking - and my upper arms feel so flabby and heavy
You can tell when  I have to bring my head up - as I have to start a new sentence afterwards
if you look at my other blogs - I don't think this is the case ??

Im siting trying to think but- thinkis not happening - although I can just type and NOT THINK - its all very odd.... as soon as I try to think - I stop , eyes shut = pain and need t breathe !

Thinking I should take a Diazepam - But - that's to calm me down - and omg - im totally calm - just the heaviness and slowness and tiredness ( Although I have just woken ) I still exhausted - but - need to get this out - I have no worried typing and am doing this at top speed - its everything else that is so slow = I can think - just not express anything

I try to talk and for example - Calling " DelBoy " I ended up shouting Bender, or Brenda or Bendels - Means nothing - I talk and either it comes out fine - or it comes out totallt rubbish and doesn't mean anything to anyone

REMEMEBR TO BREATHE = DEEP BREATH

Headache - but think that's cause my head is pointing down - or rather my eyes are - my head I am trying to keep strainght

OK OK - IM TIRED NOW - AND WANNNA STOP - WANNA COFFEE  ops caps !! - even holding coffe cup is a task its so bloody heavy - and I cnt think to put in pics - so will write up another blog when ok - this is as it happens !

BACK SOON FOLKS !

UPDATE 2 - PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOUR - DIAGNOSED 2 YEARS -

PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOUR -

DIAGNOSED 2 YEARS -

UPDATE

 

 

TO START AT THE VERY BEGINNING = DIAGNOSED TWO YEARS AGO WITH A PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOUR - OHHHH - I WILL LET THE LETTER I SENT OUT EXPLAIN IT ALL !


PLEASE EXCUSE THIS UNMITIGATED PLEA FOR HELP ....
I HAVE BEEN TOLD THERE IS NO FUNDING IN THE SOUTH EAST TO TREAT MY CONDITION ...
I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED VIA NUMEROUS MRI'S WITH A ENLARGED PITUITARY AND A TUMOUR ON THE STALK OF THE PITUITARY GLAND AND I HAVE BEE TOLD BY A PSYCHOLOGIST I HAVE A TRAUMATISED AMYGDALA GLAND ..... 2 YEARS AGO ..... Since then I have been shuvved from Pillar to Post !
I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT SYMPTOMS WILL BE TREATED NOT THE CAUSE - BECAUSE NO-ONE KNOWS WHAT DAMAGE WILL BE DONE IF THE CAUSE IS TREATED ?
MANY SYMPTOMS ARE VERY VERY SIMILAR TO MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS
I KNOW IT IS NOT A MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE !!
I HAVE BEEN TOLD BY PSYCHOLOGISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS ! ....
 
Just a few symptoms include ( in no order ) : HUGE WEIGHT GAIN, COLLAPSING VEINS, HYPOTHYROIDISM, BORDERLINE PCOS, MASSIVE MOOD SWINGS ( TOTALLY UNCONTROLLABLE and INTENCE - Can last five minutes or days - NEEDS DIAZEPAM TO CALM ME DOWN OTHERWISE I WILL CARRY ON - CANT CALM DOWN MYSELF AT ALL  ) BRUISEING FOR NO REASON, EXCESSIVE TIREDNESS, HYPERACTIVE, MUSCLE WEAKNESS, IRREGULAR PERIODS, CONSTIPATION, EXTREME DIARRHOEA, LOSS OF PERIPHERAL VISION ( Goldman Fields tests done ) LACK OF CONCENTRATION ( If I read it HURTS AND MY HEAD SLOWS DOWN )  - HUGE MEMORY PROBLEMS - also I have to keep shutting my eyes otherwise it feel like there is too much information going in my head ...
 
I ALSO HAVE MY HEAD SHUT DOWN - NOT  DUE TO PANIC ATTACK OR SOCIAL ANXIETY MAYBE JUST BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TO BUSY ( Like go out for coffee and pop to a shop on way home !!!!! = THATS BUSY ) - MY HEAD SLOWS AND EVENTUALLY STOPS - SO I FALL ASLEEP - During this time I stutter and I cant get words I know to come out of my mouth, - I cant think - and the pain in my head, behind the eyes ( and travelling to the back of my head ) is IMMENCE - I have captured one of these 'Storms' on Camera - Please see link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2uwxPQWMlI
Normally I have no trouble talking and can talk for England ! - BUT - When these 'Storms' Happen - that's it - EVERYTHING STOPS.
I AM NOW UNABLE TO LIVE A LIFE - IM AT HOME AND I TRY TO BE POSITIVE AND HAPPY - BUT I HATE MY LIFE - I CANT GO OUT WITHOUT SOMEONE - INCASE I GET ANGRY ( another side effect ) OR INCASE I GO GIDDY AND CANT STAND UP - I AM A BURDEN TO MY FAMILY AND NEED HELP
- I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE A FEW WEEKS AGO - I AM DESPERATE FOR HELP
I HAVE NOW BEEN TOLD I NEED FUNDING AS THERE IS NO-ONE 'IN AREA' WHO WILL OR CAN TREAT ME ?? A PSYCHOLOGIST IS TRYING TO GET THIS FUNDING - ( I HAVE SEEN PSYCHOLOGISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS WHO BOTH SAY IT IS A MEDICAL MATTER ALTHOUGH SIGNS ARE THERE FOR BIPOLAR - BUT IT IS NOT BIPOLAR ! - I HAVE ALSO GONE COUNCILLING - ( I talk to anyone and this isn't and issue - but have done what the doctors tell me - CBT Does NOT work - as my Mood swings are UNCONTROLLABLE and its as if I have a duel personality - like Jekyll and Hyde ) - I CANT EVEN BE LEFT ALONE WITH MY OWN CHILDREN IN CASE I OVER REACT AND GET ANGRY - AS I AM TOTALLY UNSURE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN - I DONT AND NEVER WANT TO HURT ANYONE - BUT IF SOMEONE COMES TOWARDS ME - I REACT ...
EVERYTHING IS UNINTENTIONAL - I DONT MEAN TO SAY OR DO ANYTHING BAD - BUT IT HAPPENS - AND WHEN I CANT THINK - ALL I CAN DO - OUT OF FRUSTRATION I BELIEVE - IS SWEAR .... WORDS THAT I NEVER EVER WOULD GENERALLY USE ... AND ANYWHERE IN FRONT OF ANYONE -
I AM NOT DEPRESSED - BUT GET TERRIBLY TERRIBLY SUICIDAL - I OVER REACT AND AM PARANOID AND THINK EVERYONE HATES ME - THEN IM FINE AGAIN AND KNOW THIS IS NOT THE CASE !!!

SINCE THEN THE FOLLOWING HAS HAPPENED !!! :

I went through the Pituitary Foundation who have been brilliant - They sent a video I sent them of one of my storms - and a list of my symptoms to their consultant/Endo/Psych/ etc  - Their Endo/Pituitary Specialist  said I needed to be seen immediately, and had no idea how I had lasted two years!! - lol - told this to my GP, who really had better things to look at on the screen of her computer - and WOULD NOT look at my video and was MOST  UNIMPRESSED when I asked for a referral - and had to TELL her I wanted a ENDO and NOT a neuro  - 

she was most unhelpful - and resent me to a neuro - BUT NOW - after a VERY STRONGLY WORDED LETTERAND MANY TELEPHONE CALLS FROM MYSELF AND MY MOTHER !!  - I have been refered to

Stephanie.Baldeweg -
Tel: 020 3447 9373
Fax: 020 3447 9201
Email: stephanie.baldeweg@uclh.nhs.uk

Location:
University College Hospital; National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery

who just happens to be the Pit Foundations consultant who saw my video - I have just found out that the GP hasn't sent the letter of referal until Weds just gone - so the Pit foundation got involved AGAIN  - and this consultant is looking out for my referral  now - and will deal with me herself - so the Pituitary Foundation say - BUT - as they have done everything they say - and have even taken the time to ring and are actually interested - I trust them hugely!!-
Has to be said the Pit foundation were FABULOUS - if you havnt already checked them out

http://www.pituitary.org.uk/

It is estimated that there are approximately 70,000 people with a pituitary condition in the United Kingdom. To meet the need for information and support The Pituitary Foundation was set up in 1994 and was subsequently registered as a charity in September 1996.

The Pituitary Foundation is a national support and information organisation for pituitary patients, their families, friends and carers. We are the UK's leading charity providing support to people affected by disorders of the pituitary gland such as Acromegaly, Cushing's, Prolactinoma, Diabetes Insipidus and Hypopituitarism.  ... ALSO HERE IS SOME INFO ON THE CONSULTANT

https://www.uclh.nhs.uk/OurServices/Consultants/Pages/DrStephanieBaldeweg.aspx

IF YOU HAVE ANY ISSUES PITUITARY WISE PHONE THE PITUITARY FOUNDATION - AND DEMAND A URGENT REFERAL FROM YOUR GP - IT IS YOUR RIGHT

You are entitled to ask for a referral for specialist treatment on the NHS.
If you wish to be referred to a specialist in a particular field, you will need to see a GP at your registered practice. This is because all your medical records are held by your GP.
A specialist will only see you with a letter of referral from your GP. The letter will give the specialist essential background information, such as your medical history, and it will also contain details for the specialist to pay particular attention to.
If you wish to see a private specialist you are still advised to get a letter of referral from your GP. However, whether you see a private specialist, with or without a GP referral, or are referred to an NHS specialist, your GP is not obliged to accept the specialist's recommendations.......

I suggest always getting in touch with a registered charity in ref with the condition you have - THEY hold a lot of power and Information -
.......

THIS SET OF VIDEOS - SHORT - MAY HELP SOMEONE SOMEWHERE -
PLEASE BE AWARE THIS IS ALL BASED ON MY KNOWLEDGE AND MY OWN RESERCH AND UNDERSTANDING - NOTHING IS SET IN STONE !!

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPXZS76BBaH4JD7Qtror3zovTDDyPWmYT

with Brain Tumour - I dont wanna repeat ! = ThanksTuesday - Complete

with Brain Tumour - I dont wanna repeat ! =

Thanks Tuesday - Complete 

LMAO - Now - that Heading just about sums it up !!! - OMG - EVEN THAT DOESNT MAKE SENCE !! - But - In the right order it does !!! ... its meant to say

TUESDAY,  WITH BRAIN TUMOUR - I DONT WANNA REPEAT - THANKS !!

See - THAT made sence !!

It all started so so so well - up at 6am - showered - dressed, make up, post to facebook, google+ and twitter - fed cats and dog - cleaned out cats - hoovered - EVERYWHERE was lovely and tidy from the evening before - So - PERFECT - I can record a video for YouTube Channel - Mmmmmm - Now - whats this one gonna be about ??

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2MjBKZfVEE - well - see for yourself - Quite Normal - Happy - Totally myself - !! - Lovely - Then I made another Coffee and decided to have a hoover upstairs - Fabulous - ohhh im so with it today !!! THEN came back down - and OMG - I HAVE HAD AN EPIFINY  - and NEED to video AGAIN !!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ziwl9AHB6w - I do like to make it known what im thinking about when im ok !! And - this all makes perfect sence -

BUT - WHAT YOU DONT KNOW - IS THAT I HAD TOTALLY OVERDONE IT - AND BY THE TIME MY MUM ARRIVED AT 10.30 - I HAD STARTED TO LOOSE MY BRAIN FUNCTION !! = Mmmm - Maybe you can see or possibly understand it in the NEXT video I posted - to Facebook this time !!

https://www.facebook.com/abigail.barry/videos/10153596603525439/?pnref=story

lmao - OK - maybe it looks normal - but - all this done by 10.30am - and standing out in the rain - waiting for mum who said she was going to turn up at 10.45am ( Thank God she was early !! otherwise I would have been drenched !! )  Mmmmm - Maybe a 'little' odd !! ..... and then to stand there in the rain ( It is raining - just doesn't look it ! ) and talk into my Phone while people are walking past and dogs barking maybe explains WHY the class my illness as Psych rather than Organic - Cant say I blame em really !! lmao = BUT - I was HAPPY - at that time - Swimming gear all ready - and Off we went to meet Sarah at the Heron Swimming Pool  - 11am and she was there - on the dot !! - Way to go - that's what I like !! - Id spent about 10 minutes at the cash desk actually TRYING to wait for the guy to finish with the machine so I could pay by card - and I didn't loose my rag or anything - all perfectly normal - SHOULD HAVE KNOWN !! - I was holding it together all FAR TOO WELL !! Anyways - Mum got the Coffee's - Kids were playing BEAUTIFULLY in the pool - Tom giving Cass PiggyBacks - and Cass trying to duck him - all chatting and not too much noise - Mmmmmm - Then I heard behind us talking about the Little Theatre - Where Mum does a lot of work - and so I started listening to them - then the Juicer started going - then the Cappahino Machine - Deep Fat Fryer - then My Phone went off and scared the life out of me - I IMMEDIATELY without thinking turned it off - NOT ANSWERING IT - DONT WANT TO !!  - ( Mmmmmm Should have known !! ) Then carried on chatting to Sarah and Mutti and watching Kids - turning my head very far so I could see them ( This is always a bad move ! - always sets my head off ) Anyways - then Tom and Cass get to us - Cass arrived first - and after stories of when Sarah and Clare & Barney ( My brother ) went swimming with Clares dad and always came out late - Tom turned up - and told everyone he was starving and NEEDING FEEDING !! - lol - ok - He had cheesy Chips - ( There is nothing of him ) and Cassia hada Tuna and Salad Sarnie - Mum and I were not hungry ( I hadn't eaten at all since 6pm the night before - Just drunk Coffee - which BY THE WAY - I have tried to cut out - for three months- and just drank Mint Tea - and it made NO DIFFERENCE WHAT SO EVER !! - CAFFINE DOES NOT EFFECT ME )

Anyways = Sarah had to leave as was making dinner for Her dad - or rather Lunch - and so I thought everything going ok - and started to leave - THAST WHEN PANDAMONIUM BROKE OUT !!
It LOOKED as though Tom had Kicked Cassia - and Cass started to cry - so - Told tom off and went to comfort Cass - Tom Pleaded Ignorance and Stated that it was Cassia's fault - Mmmm - So - Why was she crying - Anyways - Cass and I walked off - Mum Started to tell Cassia off for being loud - as this would set my head off - Cassia started crying more - and maybe one or two expletives came out - Mum Told her off for this - WELL - THEN I STARTED - -I SAID IT WAS ACTUALLY TOM - AND NOT CASS THAT HAD STARTED ALL THIS AND .... BLAR BLAR BLAR - SWEAR SWEAR SHOUT SHOUT - MUM then tapped me on the arm and said SHHHHHHHHHJ - and looked around - WELL - NEVER EVER EVER DO THIS TO ME - I AM NOT IN CONTROL BY THIS POINT - AND OMFG - I WENT FOR IT = SHOUTING I DIDNT ******** GIVE A F***** s**t WHO WAS ********* WATCHING AND ******* LISTENING AND TO **********  STOP BEING **********  SO JUDGEMENTAL = and then mum just walked off - Not even a backward glance -

I was dumbfounded - Couldn't believe that she had gone and left me with the kids - argueing and I was well - GONNA KILL - So best thing I could do - was not be anywhere near anyone - SAo I told Cassia to go to the car with mum - as I knew I could NOT be in charge of a nine year old at this point - Tom had already gone with mum - and I just went - I walked - PMSL - OK OK - rather stumbled - looking drunk - through the town - my eye sight had kinda gone blurry by this point  = and I remembered I had no cash - so I went and emptied my bank account - CAUSE THATS NORMAL !!! = and Crossed the road - Cars beeping - and me telling them to F*** Off - and I went and sat at the Bus Stop - Wel - The Bus Stop That I THOUGHT was my one !! .... Waited = and another bus came to the stop just by mine - but I stayed put - My Phone Rang - a few times - and it was Tom - Where was I - etc He came and found me - But - There was NO WAY I WAS GETING INTO THE CAR WITH MUM - IF I WAS AN EMBARRASSMENT - THEN I WOULD BLOODY GET MYSELF HOME - and of course - I couldn't bloody speak by this point either - but - got my point across - and Tom is used to this - so went off and spoke to mum in the car - A BUS - YIPPEE =  Single to My House - " Wheres your house love " = ' Ohhh F*** ermm - Herne - Kinda of - up the hill - bny the old peoples home - ' - " - Ohhh I go straight to Canterbury Love " - ' WELL WHY ISNT THAT WRITTEN ON THE FUCKING BUS THEN " -" it is " - opps - He told me to get the bus behind - I Thanked him, cause im polite likie that !!! xx

I stumbled to the bus behind and asked for a Single to the stop over the bridge- past the pub - round the corner and about a minutes drive away - Through tears - The LOVELY driver said - just give me a pound love and take a seat - its not that bad - " It F****** IS " -  I said- But Thanked Him .. I sat there Bloody Phone Going - ( THATS LIFE BY F. SINATRA..... Must change that as it was a bloody farce by the time I got off !! ) Tried to talk to To on the Phone - but couldn't get words out - was quite loud - and sweary - then - crying again - a little old lady got off - and as she walked past she put her hand on my arm - SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME AND I JUMPED AND SHOUTED 'FUCK' - but smiled as she got off - she meant well = Anyway - I got to my stop - Thanked the driver who just said Good Luck - and I fell infront of the fuc**** bus !! Not right over- but I grabbed the radiator Bars of the bus which wre boiling hot - and got up - NOW MY HEAD AND MY BLOODY HAND WAS KILLING ME !! - But - No-one had seen - so all ok - Pride intact - LMFAOROTFL !

I literally stumbled home - back of head and eyes ABSOLUTELY IN AGONY - Tears - Sniffing - had to hold on to lamppost - but actualy remember that I was WELL IMPRESSED that I had got home - !! = Anyways - Got to near the corner of my street - and mum pulls up - I said No Fucking way am I getting in the F******* Car with you ever again and I walked off - ok ok - stumbled = ohh and that sentence was totally stuttered - AND I HADNT EVEN HAD A DRINK - I DEFO THINK I MAY START ......

Got home - and Mum had let herself in and was making coffee - OMFG - I WS LIVID - so - didn't want to start anything - I went upstairs - Put on my PJ's - had a wee !! ( as you do ) and got into bed - Head absolutely killing me - and I couldn't really see - everything was sooo blurry - Mum Knocked and came in - IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS I TOLD HER TO GET OUT - AND SHE WS TO NEVER SEE ME AGAIN - ( All said as if im drunk and through ridiculas tears ) IF I WAS SUCH AN EMBARRASSMENT - THEN DONT BE NEAR ME - Well -

She the started shouting at me - and ANYONE THAT KNOWS HOW THIS GOES - KNOWS - DONT - JUST DONT = I JUMPED UP - THANK GOD MUM HAD THE SENCE TO GET AWAY FROM ME - AND I JUST WENT TO THE DOOR AND LITERALLY PULLED IT OFF ITS HINGES - YEAH - THE WHOLE LOT - I WAS SCREMING AT MUM NOW - lmao - AND PLUCKING WOMAN SHE IS - SHE IS SHOUTING BACK AT ME - !! - I DID HAVE TO GIVE HER - HER DUE - SHE IS ALMOST AS FIESTY AS ME !! - BUT - I CANT AND WONT STOP - AND AS SHE SAW ME PULL THE DOOR - SHE WENT OUT THE FRONT DOOR - TELLING ME THAT THERE WAS A COFFEE ON THE SIDE AND TO TAKE A TABLET = I THINK " ***** YOU WAS MY PASSING REMARK ....... - I can see why they think im Psycho !!

Anyways - I got into bed - and that was it- I was asleep - and at 5pm Cassia phoned and woke me up - id been asleep 5 hours - straight off - My head was throbbing and I couldn't talk - but I was calmer - I txt mum and Tom and Cass - and they came over -

Chatted to Mum after Laughing and Being in Hysterics at An Idiot Abroad - and I think she can now see how I can go INTO ONE and OUT OF ONE so  so quickly - I cant allow it to take over my life - so - yeah ok - I have my 'Storms' ( Literally only happened because I had taken in far to much info and my head couldn't cope ) and as soon as I come out of it - IM ME AGAIN - AS IN THE VIDEOS - Other people cant switch as quickly as I can - and as Mum said - she isn't superwoman - If you have someone SCREAMING BLUE MURDER AT YOU - you are going to retaliate = and I do totally understand that - BUT - I CANT LET IT MAKE ME MOPE ABOUT AND BE UPSET THAT I TREATED HER AND THE KIDS AND THE BUS DRIVER SO BADLY - If I did do that - Id be admitting I had control over it- WHICH I DONT = But - I did apologise and Paid for dinner - and lunch and well - lamo - im loaded now as I have emptied my bank so - COFFEE IS ON ME !!

Now they have gone home - 8pm - They are ABSOLUTELY EXHAUTED = MUM EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY SHATTERED = and im up and awake and Blogging, Gogle'ing, YouTubing, Facebooking and everything - as my head is now on a roll and im totally hyper, MYSELF ?? - I don't know - Maybe a little bit OTT to be totally myself -  ........... at 11.19pm - SUCH FUN ......

That was a NORMAL day in the life of a PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOUR SUFFERER = easy for everyone hey !

MONDAY MONDAY - WITH A PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOUR -

MONDAY MONDAY - WITH A PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOUR -


MMmmmmmmmmm - well - todays been different - I woke to Mr Tennant Saying " Wake Up, Wake Up, This is David Tennant TELLING you to GET UP, GEEETTTTT UPPPPPPPP " - I replied - " - Ohhh David - Just a few more minutes - ! - To which Cassia ( who had snuck in beside me started having HYSTERICS and asked why i was talking to my Alarm ! It didnt get much better !!

I decided a Waft of Freebreeze WAS NOT GOING to do the trick today - so i HAD TO SHOWER !! = OMG = This is easier said than done - AND - I decided that i was going to wear the new clothes that i Ordered off Simply Be - and arrived saturday - but i hadnt wor them - so - PERFECT !! - i will wear them today- BUT - a pair of shorts - and thing could be living in the hairs on my legs atm - so I NEEDED TO SHAVE !!

Firstly bending down - When your me - and when you have a Brain Tumour - Is NOT a good thing = It HURTS and it messes with your head - lmao - totally - makes you think your places where your not- and makes you giddy - and makes you think your falling - so - im afraid i did yelp quite a few times - god knows what the neighbours think - BUT - as the shorts arnt too short - I just went to knee length !! - Then - I tried to get in the shower - lmao - as i shave my legs - one at a time - balanced percariously on the side of the bath = In i Got - Lost bearings and one foot slipped = BOLLOX !! = Nooooooo - I dont have any - Thats what i shouted rather loudly - To which Cassia replied - " Ohhh Mum - You havnt wee'd in your onesie again have you ! - and then burst into laughter, again, ALWAYS at my expence !! Anyways - all good - i didnt slip over and i didnt come to any harm - BUT - By now my arms were hurting from doing too much - ( lmao - yeah yeah - i mean too much is just shaving my legs - The movement physically wears me out some days - and others i could Shave the whole Of Ravensbourne Ave and not worry- Although = Maybe this wouldnt be a good idea - as they might not be too impressed !! Esp Dave next door !!

Anyways - Not enough energy to wash my hair - so i just washed everywhere else - and had a good old scrub down - lmao - ohhhh thats not very feminine is it - lmao - but - well - Cleanliness is next to godliness - so im told - so - I NEEDED A SCRUB !! - pmsl - Does that makes sence to ANYONE apart from me !! ?? !! ok ok - All done - out the bath - no triping over - dried - moisturised - talced - dressed - came down and FLIPPED !! - SPECTACULARLY !! ( Ohh i do so wish i had spell check - ok - i wish i KNEW HOW TO USE SPELL CHECK !! )  Bt - You know what i mean !! .....

Screamed at the ex ( Who stays in his own bedroom downstairs because i cant be left with the kids - lmao or on my own for too long really !! ) for going away today - first time in 20 years - and he is off to Ibiza - Im staying here with the kids - and mum is taking kids afternoons and evening / nights - cause if they kick off - I KICK OFF - and i CANT control myself AT ALL, SO I START CLEANING - and screaming that he can leave the house in the mess it was in ( Just plates in the stand to be put away - and a load of washing in the machine !! Then i fed cats and dog- and cleaned everything with anti bacterial !! =  .... so safer for everyone for them to be there - otherwise if i got like that - id end up washing them in anti bac too !!

 ... and yeah - i feel totally useless and if truth be known suicidal daily becuase of that - and becuase i cant do the things i used to be able to do - i mean too much is  - a shower and getting dressed and JUST THAT caused my head to flip !! - BLOODY RIDICULAS ! and makes me sooo mad -
I can take tablets and Calm down within about 30 mins = but - within that 30 mins - i may have phoned people and screamed at everyone - and said things that NO-ONE SHOULD EVER SAY TO ANYONE - LET ALONE THEIR OWN CHILDREN - It makes me so so so helpless and depressed - BUT IM NOT GOING TO LET IT BLOODY BEAT ME - when im ME - I am LOVELY !!! = lmao

Anyways - Mum turned up - as i phoned her  SCREAMING that i was going to knife someone ( Not that i would - BUT - i cant be 100% certain ) and she made a cup of tea ( ewwwwwwwwwwwwww GREEN TEA - yuk yuk yuk ) and i had a coffee - Id already downed my 5th Diazepam of the day = and on my 4th Paracetamol !! - to calm my head - It did kinda work - I just sat and drank coffee - ermm - i cant actualy remember what else happened - apart from Alan saying he had JUST booked a Flight / inclusive Hotel / and Car to Ibiza for £400 till sat - YEAH - LOVELY - and i cant even take a fucking shower without being in Agony !!!! - pmsl - I KNOW - I KNOW ITS NOT HIS FAULT - bt i do get so jealous ! ...

Anyways - we went and took him to his mums - and went on to the University of Kent - lmao - Nooooooooooooooooooo Not to enroll the kids early - but apparently - ( ohhh No apparently about it actually - its there !! ) There is a Big LONDON EYE type thing there - but - same as always - we go on the day it is shut !! =

 https://www.kent.ac.uk/50/celebrate/events/2014/sept/24.html

So instead - we went to Wether spoons in Canterbury ( as i could only walk from the Car Park to there - I just couldnt make it any further today - Just sooo tired ) Had a Jacket Potato - and coffee - and it came to about a £5 for everyone - so that was ok - then came out of there - after a few rucktions - and now my head was starting to disorientate again - and my eyes became blurrry and ohhh just pressure at the back of my bloody head - AND I WANTED MILK AND BREAD !! - went to Sainsburies on the corner - and OMG Everyone and their mother was in their = and My mother - and both kids decided to come in a follow me about - WELL - That drives me insain - I picked up a loaf of bread THAT I WANTED !! = Grainery wholemeal - BUT - mum wanted the Batch loaf - FFS - OK OK _ We'll get what you want !! - ( YES IT WAS A HUGE DEAL - NO OVER EXAGGERATION - ANYTHING SETS ME OFF !! - and mum wanting this bread - and not the one I wanted - well - that was it !! ) I stomped to the checkout - PAID - and stomped out !! - Then was followed out by the Security guard - and mum n Tom ( Cass was with me ! ) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME ......... Well - he put something iin the bin and went back inside - THANK GOD I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING !

Anyways - walked back t the car feeling A SHIT MOTHER / DAUGHTER / SHOPPER / SPENDER / CANTERBURY VISITOR / SUN WORSHIPER / NEW SHORT WEARER / AND KITTEN OWNER - as i didnt go into the Pet shop on the opposite corner to Sainsburies to get Del n Rodney a little something !! and then got in the car - and for some unforeseen reason - the fucking seatbelt wouldnt fit - and OMG - THIS SENT ME OVER THE EDGE - SWEARING SHOUTING - THE LOT - and of course mum - bless her - is looking round and EVERYONE is looking - and i couldnt give a shit !! - BUT SHE OBVIOUSLY CAN - and is trying to tell me to calm down and stop swearing and just relax - Well - When you have my Head - ALL these things are USELESS - and i cant do anything quietly !! - and TELL ME TO BE QUIET - and OHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - I WILL NOT !!! - I make it very known that imm NOT a happy Bunny ! , THEN start crying !! pmsl - Head in a Rage - another diazepam downed - ( so easy to pill  up without water now days !! ) and i sat there - in tears - sniffing - with mum occasionally pointing out points of interest to the kids - If anyone had looked it - omg - it would have been hysterical !

Anyways TOTALLY suicidal by now - thinking im gonna jump out of the car - But - Ohh no thats not good cause it would scare the kids for life - then i thought its ok - i have 24 Paracetamol i just bought, about 6 Ibruprofen, 4 codene things - and i have at least 20 Diazepam - THAT SHOULD DO IT ..... WHEN I GET HOME - Got home - after mum wondering out loud why the 'Share and Coluter' Pub hasnt shut down as it looked terrible - PMSL - and then i walked in and OMG THE KITTENS HAD USED THEIR TRAY - QUITE A FEW TIMES - !! - Cleaned that out - Mum n the Kids left as i was kinda shouting rather alot - I then went upstairs to clean - AS YOU DO - packed for cass and i did make toms bed even tho he HATES me going in his room - I also wacked in a load of washing, and cleaned the cats x 3 more times - OHH MY LIVING GOD - WHERE AND HOW DO THEY PRODUCE SO MUCH !! = Anyways - then forgot what i was doing - and came on YouTube - and made a Video - or two = and then started and now finished this blog - OMG - WHATA DAY SO FAR !!! - and its only 4pm !!! Head Killing me - but sight is back - and im not suicidal anymore !! YIPPEEEEEE !! - FOR NOW !! pmsl

Thats me - for the Moment - OVER AND OUT !!! xxx

BACK SOON XXX

How My Tuesday went with a Pituitary Brain Tumour !

omg - this is tooooo insain - LMAO AND IM NOT INSAIN !! - IVE BEEN TOLD !!

 

I went to bed last night after not being able to remember how to turn the fecking TV on - well - I knew how to turn it on - but not how to work the bloody remote thingy to get the sky on and change channel - so - well that' set me up for a Storm - I Told all the Animals they were Parasites and they shouldn't think that im doing everything for them - and NO Derek - I DONT WANT ANOTHER BLOODY CUDDLE - I didn't care how cute he was being or how purry he was ( Is Purry a word ?? ) I was having none of his attention - PeggatyPawz sat and watched with her sorrowful eyes - and that made me feel even worse thinking I couldn't give her the attention she wanted and I was making her bloody depressed - THEN Rodney sat there and just started going Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - then put a bloody paw on my leg - its something out of a bloody film it really is - and all the time im shouting at them that they are burdens and I cant deal with their constant attention seeking and I will either have to have them all put down - or sent to the shelter - OMFG I SAID THIS OUT LOUD TO THEM - which made me cry even more .....

Then Mum txt to say she was coming over AFTER COOL TRICKS - AS IT WAS A GOOD ONE !!and as I hadn't replied and she was worried - I replied to say I hadn't got a txt  and I was ok and she watch the TV - EVEN THO I WAS BLOODY FURIOUS AND FELT AS THOUGH I HAD NO-ONE - I didn't want to Burden her - as she has Dad - who has Parkinsons and im so very worried - and omfg im off again, anyway after about 5 texts and two calls that I wouldn't take as I was too upset - I explained that I was going to go to bed - and id txt her in the morning !!

I go upto bed - after letting PeggatyPawz out, and filling her water up, OMG She is drinking loads so that probably means she is in liver / kidney failure and gonna kark it soon - crying all over again =  then cleaning the cats out for the millionth time today - feeding them for the 100th and ok - I did give them a kiss of the head each - but they knew I wasn't happy - and they were not  now as they both had wet heads !!

Up I went - and remembered that I hadn't checked the bloody water for the cats - so down I go and ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im sure derek escaped - but - none too sure - I watered them - and went upstairs - cleaned my teeth - washed my face and sprayed WHAT I THOUGHT was deodorant - IT WAS BLOODY SHAVING FOAM - ok - now im in floods again - and smelling lemony fresh = ITS NOT FUNNY ...... Got into bed and checked phone - Nothing from either kids - No good night or anything - They were at Bingo - and having a fab time without me - WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - Off again ! ffs 0 I drive myself mad !! Then - Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - Chirp = OHHHHHHH DEREK - YOU LITTLE SHIT - " BRRRR he said " YOU DID ESCAPE - I grabbed him - and stormed downstairs to put him with Rodney = He kissed my arm - Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh love him - Kissed his head and put him on sofa - and shut the door - STORMED BACK UPSTAIRS AGAIN .... Back in bed - 9pm - FFS Kids and Ex away - and I only got up at 5pm - and im back in bloody bed again - I should be out partying or - at least DOING SOMETHING - yet im exhausted !!

I check my phone, NOTHING, and go to sleep - I actually drift off immediately - which I don't usually do - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ - BLOODY WAKE MYSELF UP BY SNORING !!! - ohhh sod off - like you don't snore ! anyways - get up have a wee - back to bed - quick drink as so thirsty = and then straight to sleep again !!

5am - Crying - No-one needs me - No-one wants me - Im never going to get a Boyfriend - because im scatty and bloody ill - Always going to be alone - AND I HATE BEING ALONE - and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im off again - deep deep low - so I get up - make the bed - shower - put on clothes - come downstairs - put on make up - feed cats and dog - let dog out - - make a coffee - clean litter tray - GAG - and then what do I do make a youtube video - as you do !!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r69QvZztv4E

Then I go on Facebook, add a few replies to peoples comments and status's - al normal - and not upsetting etc - cause I hate to make people realise how SHIT I feel !! = I  drink coffee, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh quick tweet - and Google+ update - Then Ohh I MUST Hoover and MOP the floors !! - OF COURSE YOU MUST DO THIS AT 6.30AM !! My poor neighbours - so - OMG Cat litter tray again - this is now the third time THIS MORNING !! - Put Bin out as it is bin day - once again - sorry neighbours for the noise - but the bin was heavy and I ran over my foot ...... Came back in - wet - as it was raining and im in a strappy top and trouswers today - not really wet weather gear - but - IF YOU WEAR SUNNY STUFF - THE SUN WILL COME OUT - ....... OHH YES IT WILL - and omg - CAT LITTER TRAY AGAIN - This is ridiculas = Im gonna have to stop feeding them - Hoover AGAIN - as Derek decided he needed to cover the entire front room with litter - JUST TO COVER UP THE BLOODY SMELL - and then omg - I throw airwick insence all over myself - NOT ON PURPOSE YOU DOPE ! - I spilt it by mistake - so - for the next 60 days im gonna smell of Freeshia and Vanilla - NICE !

Now I decide to make ANOTHER YOUTUBE video - to show the difference in me now !!! - OMG- I WENT ON FOR ABOUT 7 MINUTES !!! I can talk when I want too !! Well - when its about me !!

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT_oh6QB7UY

Back to Facebook and had a lovely lovely message from a great friend - well - she wasn't great - but she is now - pmsl - ohhh you know what I mean - she has always been a friend - since Cassia been at school - but we have only recently started talking properly - and now - omg - ohhh im gonna copy and paste her message as it was soo lovely ...............................................

"Morning Just watched your vid.. Don't you dare think that people don't need you that's so not true! Cassia and Tom need their mum no matter what you're going through please just cling to that! I know this is just one of storms and you'll be ok later. You're very much loved Hun not just by your children and family. I think you're an amazing woman I really do! I still think you should write that book! It would be a best seller! Xxx"

 

 

HOW LOVELY WAS THAT !! . ......... Sophie Fowler - I love you dearly - and you should have recognition for being an amazing friend ! - THANK YOU !! Many people don't bother to watch my videos - and cant be arse to comment - ok ok - not cant be arse - but PEOPLE ARE TOO BUSY - I get that - BUT - If people are feeling bad - I always ask after them - and im always first to get in touch - I don't understand the mentality of some people - ok - maybe I just have too much time on my hands and think too much !

 

Anyway - omg - I watch a video on facebook - once again I will put it here - so you can see my sort of sence of humour

 

https://www.facebook.com/Lads.Only.Page/videos/1620589581532076/?pnref=story

 

OMG - THIS HAD ME IN HYSTERICS - TOTALY AND UTTERLY TEARS STREAMING DOWN FACE LAUGHING -

 

and then I started thinking of what Sophie said - and well - here is my thoughts - and ok - maybe I will make it into a book !! = lmao - don't think it will outsell 50 shades tho - AND OMG - IVE STILL NOT BEEN ABLE TO WATCH IT AS I CANT WORK THE BLOODY MACHINE !! PMSL - MR GREY - WAIT FOR ME !! ;)

 

Now im Hungry as I didn't eat last night - ohh yes- I had half a jacket potato - now IM STARVING !! - so wil have a yogurt and another coffee - Mum wil be around after she takes Reg to the vets to check on his leg ( He just had it repinned after a road traffic accident ) and then we may or may not go out for coffee - not sure yet !!

 

 

but I 'll be back !!! ;)