OK - so - if you want a usual tale from me - here it comes - i'm getting good at writing tales of woe - but im trying - with this - to write down EVERYTHING that is making me ' storm ' and where I go on and on ( and on and on and on ) about Alan - The ex husband - Remember - He does have an awful LOT to put up with - with me SCREAMING, and shouting and crying, and sobbing, and being abusive, and threatening, and aggressive towards him - so -
THIS IS NOT A TALE OF BLAME - I'm trying to get things down !!
VERY QUICK OVER VIEW ( That turned out to be not so quick ! )
Alan and I have been together 21 years - Married in 2001 !
Best Friends - did everything together - work rest and play !
Laughed, Joked, and the odd shout - usually by me - as i do have a great temper !!
BUT - we got on famously - and i thought we were soul mates / Best Friends
Had Tom - Unbelievabley bad birth - had 12 epidurals - and none worked - until MUCH LATER - and then did not wear off - I could not walk properly / Think Properly for months and months - I got VERY depressed - and then went back to work - Leaving Alan - literally holding the baby, I worked while he stayed at home - I THOUGHT he was ok with this - I had always been the one to hold jobs down - not him - but - aparently - this was not the case - he wanted to work - but i stopped him - 3 years passed -
Alan then had a VERY intense and dangerous procedure done on his back - involving a disk or two being removed - he was told to rest and do nothing - So - From what I can remember - I did my best - along with Mum and Auntie Gaye ( Because i still was not brilliant myself ) - and took over - Alan was in immense pain but still did loads. He came home from Hospital - and remained in constant state of chronic back pain - to the stage where he had to use a Mobility Scooter to go anywhere, Things got a tad easier - and he went back to work - Taxi Driving - Killing his back - but - he did it .
I had to keep calling him - Mmmmmm - For reassurance or for advice or what i don't know .. Sometimes i was fine - and sometimes i was OTT and Clingy -
I don't know why - i was never like it before...
Then - We decided to have another - So Cassia came along - and This time I was superb = EVERY THING went so so well - the birth, coming home, Cass, everything - THEN - Well, firstly i couldnt feed Cass properly - we didnt know why until the Health Visitor said she was Tongue Tied - This should have been picked up at birth - but it was not - AND THEN basically - I went into a Myexdema coma ( Waking Coma ) due to a VERY Low Thyroid Problem - This was sorted by taking tablets - BUT I was NOT right - I would still slump to the floor - and lay, till - given time - i came round - I was always aware of what was happening - i just could not respond. AT ALL
OK - Hypothyroidism was diagnosed - and - I was apparently a Surgery first for having my test result levels - off the scale - Thrilled with that i was !!
Anyways - FREE Drugs for the rest of my life - wheww whewwww !!
All kinda OK - BUT - I could not lose weight - I did not over eat - Actually - it's as simple as that - I did not !! - BUT - I was getting bigger and bigger
THEN THE MOOD CHANGES, Concentration / Relaxation / Thought Process / Brain Fog issues started - and a whole host of other symptoms - Far too many to keep putting down in blog form !!
GP Immediately told myself - with Alan in the room that she was SURE i had a Pituitary Tumor / Cushings Disease -
and - due to this she was going to get me scanned - BUT - It was very unlikely that anything would show - she was right - about 9 years ( YES YEARS ) later and many many many scans - FINALLY a Pituitary Tumor showed up - and I was called into the GP - Alan came with me - " Mrs Barry - I'm very sorry to say but - yes you do have a Brain Tumor "
THOSE WERE HER EXACT WORDS - well
I could not have been happier - I knew I was not going mad -
I was NOT putting on all the emotional traumas and the weight problems etc etc -
I HAD A DIAGNOSIS .... Fabulous - big smile
LMAO - well - nobody really takes it seriously - I have the diagnosis - and STILL -
I'm being treated as a Mentally Ill Patient - Psychotherapists and Psychiatrists tell me it is DEFINITELY a Medical Problem = and Medically i'm told it is a Psych problem - I have been to Councillors / psych's / mental health teams / crisis teams / EVERYWHERE I'M TOLD - I GO
- I WANT HELP !
Now - Alan has decided ( well - After I got the diagnosis - 2 YEARS AGO ) that - in fact - we were just friends = and he did not want to be married to me anymore - BUT
- He would stay in the house - as he knew i could NOT cope with the kids on my own -
I was - a little GOB-SMACKED - to say the least = BUT - after a while - ( and no - i don't mean of him using mind control !!! ) I did actually get that we were and probably always had, been JUST GOOD FRIENDS - Nothing more - and because i had never had a relationship - boyfriend before - well - I went at it all guns blazing - and actually had been brought up believing that you could and did marry your Best Friend - and that's what i did !! - BUT Alan wanted more - he definitely wanted a more physical relationship ( although I did actually think that we were physical and i would not ever have said we didnt have a healthy sex life - Ohhhh ok - a few times i may have gone for a few months - because of the babies - but other than that - i definitely DO NOT REMEMBER NOT BEING ACTIVE FOR YEARS AT A TIME ! - OK AT THE TIME - I really had other things on my mind !!
BUT - Now - I totally DON'T want to be married to him either - and really thought we were friends - but well - I'm starting to wonder ??
He HATES IT BEING NEAR ME to say the least, He Keeps saying about having " Boundaries" - I have NO IDEA WHAT HE MEANS -
He tells me I take no responsibility and wont make decisions - but when i say i want to make decisions - he says - well make them then - and i ask - WHAT DECISION DO I HAVE TO MAKE and he says - well - You have to decide that - AND OMFG - AM I GOING MAD - ??? - I can not think of ANY DECISIONS THAT I HAVE TO MAKE ....
I know my brain doesnt work that well at times - but please - who can think of a qustion that they have to make an answer to ??
.......... He KNOWS - He was there when the GP told me the news - He KNOWS i'm NOT lying about my head - But he indicates that i can actually control my behavior - " Stop playing up "
" Calm Down " - " That behavior is NOT acceptable ! "-
(TRIGGER HERE - THIS IS WHEN I GET TOO ANNOYED AND CAN'T CALM MYSELF WITHOUT HEFTY DOSES OF DIAZEPAM)
WELL I BLOODY KNOW THAT DON'T I - I'M NOT DOING IT CAUSE I WANT TO
he may either talk - which calms me fairly quickly - AND EVERYONE TELLS HIM IS THE BEST CAUSE OF ACTION
or he will get the kids and walk out - getting in the car and going - which makes me VERY VERY aggressive - LOOKING as though i could hurt him - ALTHOUGH i have never actually touched him, He always backs away from me though - and says that i am being aggressive, and has said he will call the police -
ANOTHER TRIGGER - Why call the police for what he is causing - and what can't be controlled
AND THEN on the other hand - He says he knows i can't control it and if he thought i was lying - he would have left a long time ago ....... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH
OK - So, He asked my mum who now has dropped a load of work so SHE can have the kids ( Alan says it is down to her - as I can't look after them ) Mon / Weds and Saturdays - She picks them up from school and makes dinner - comes to ours - warms dinner through and we all eat together while Alan is out - Doing whatever Secret Spy Stuff he is doing that particular week - ANOTHER TRIGGER - I hate not knowing what people are doing
- BUT - i have tryed to install in my head, that i don't have to know everything -
BUT when he comes home and asks " Wheres my Passport "
- OBVIOUSLY i start to get worried - Thinking that he is taking the kids away
= He then tells me " it's for work " - BUT HE HAS NOT GOT A JOB - so what the bloody hell is going on ... OF COURSE I AM PARANOID with that behavior going on ..................
But I understand that he needs his own space and want his privacy - Even last year i knew HE NEEDED TIME OUT so agreed that he could use money from our ( Yup - That's OUR ) business to go to Ibiza for a week = and ever since - all i remember from when he came back is " What went on in Ibiza - stays in Ibiza " - and the kids think that is fabulous - How funny -
I think it is downright bloody Stupid - We are not together - so i could not care less what he got up too - BUT he is trying to wind me up .......
He is ALWAYS saying if i want to go away i can - BUT -
1) I cant go anywhere without someone
2) I get very very anxious
3) I would not go away without the kids
4) I don't want to go anywhere
5) I don't want to go away alone
6) I can't travel alone
+ even though i have not had my licence taken away - I'm not driving at the moment - as really i don't feel safe - BUT - Alan also takes this to extremes - when i say i'm ok - and want to go - he won't let me have the car keys - I say i will pull over - or not drive again till i am ok - and he still won't. Totally controlling. ( But i can kinda understand )
BUT then this leaves me - with mum Mon weds and SOMETIMES Saturday AND THAT'S IT - I see no body else - except the kids - and now - Alan - who i used to talk to all the time - has taken that all away from me,
He wont answer texts
He wont answer phone calls
He keeps getting Texts and Emails and Voicemails
He says his friends or Family won't come round because of me - BUT - I HAVE NEVER - IN 21 YEARS SEEN ANY OF HIS FRIENDS and His family have never come round unless we have a BBQ or They want something - BUT - Being Fair - they are better now - and his mum rings almost daily - WHICH WINDS ME RIGHT UP - IT'S AS IF I'M ABUSING HIM - AND SHE IS PUTTING HER TWO PENNYWORTH IN - TELLING HIM TO LEAVE
If I say Good Morning he will not answer - and says he can't hear
He makes himself a cup of coffee - and not me
He won't drink coffee i make
Every time i make dinner - he asks me EXACTALLY how i make it - as if i am going to poison them
He will do cleaning - after I have cleaned
He walks into a room and ignores me
He will walk out of a room if i walk in
He will sit in silence / with a horrible look on his face ( But - i do get that a lot of this is because he is in pain ) BUT - I BELIEVE IT IS BECAUSE HE HATES ME ( Yes he has said this in the heat of an arguement ) - It's horrible
BUT since we split - he no longer needs a Mobility Scooter, He has lost LOADS of weight - ( Which i think is due to stress ) - and in fact - now has come off Disability - so he can go to work - But - He isnt working and HE IS STILL ILL - BLAMES ME, FOR HIM, NOT GETTING A JOB - AND IS USING THE HOUSES MONEY TO PAY OUR MORTGAGE AND BILLS - SO if one week he is short - My housekeeping money goes down - leaving me very very very short - I then use my disability money - so then - I can't afford to pay to take my mum out for a coffee, after everything she does, and she ends up paying - AGAIN - Then on the odd occasion that Alan and I go out- we end up round at his mothers - where she gives him money back - that HE HAS LENT HER - he is sooooo wanting to help everyone - and ends up making us short to be nice to everyone else -
PEOPLE TAKE THE PISS .
Mum and I have said we will sort things if he gets a job - but he turns it round saying -
" Your mum cant do 7am - 7pm can she " - and well - NO - But - Neither can you ...
He says he will be home at 9 pm so mum and dad ( who has Parkinsons ) can go home - and does not turn up - won't answer his phone, so mum and dad have to take the kids home with them - as i am unpredictable - Happened at 11.30 pm - Having to wake Cassia up - before now
He Has turned up in a Police Car
He Has Turned up in an Ambulance x 2
He Has been done for Drink driving and lost his licence for a year - ( On the day i was told i had a brain tumor - He thus blamed me ! )
He does nothing to help at home - but has the audacity to say he does everything
Although - When i break things - ON A REGULAR OCCURRENCE
He does fix things immediately - and says not to worry - so he is good like that
He tells me i THINK i do a lot more than i do -
But is aware that I am trying, and in fact don't need to do anything
He does do my Finances - as i can't even read out a credit card number right anymore
I get VERY VERY anxious etc when i do stuff - But - Because of this - he has complete control of finances of the houses that we own - and says that because he does EVERYTHING for them - or rather - gets Tenants to do it - He is due what he is due - and i am due NOTHING .....
except my disability, and money when we sell -
BUT he does pay for Children's Xmas and Birthday pressies out of rent money -
and if i need anything - he ALWAYS says to ask him and he will ALWAYS give me the money -
But - I should NOT have to ask - I also have NO DOUBT THAT I WILL GET HALF OF EQUITY = HE IS NOT GOING TO FLEECE ME - HE IS NOT LIKE THAT ....
He has spent thousands on Gambling, Going Out and Drink and the Ibiza Holiday
He also owes me £1000 from my grandmothers Will = Or rather the Business does - as he had to borrow it - for the business - I HAVE NO DOUBT I WILL GET IT BACK -
I DON'T THINK HE IS TRYING TO DO ME OUT OF ANYTHING
He goes out - or is free to go out Mon / Weds / Sat - But - chooses to be home during the day, so i can't get on ( NOT that he does this on purpose - he does this cause he has nowhere else to go - he usually on sits on FIFA - WHICH IS A HUGE TRIGGER ! Then says that he is working = and then goes to the pub at about 2 pm -
I have BANNED ALCOHOL in the house and he is superb about this - and does not ever bring it in - but - comes in merry or smashed .... Alcohol is a MAJOR TRIGGER i have !!
He does not always get in late - BUT it got to the point now where mum has said she will have the kids overnight on a Saturday - as we can't be sure if he will be home in time ......
I can totally understand that he wants a nice time - and to enjoy himself - BUT please - HAVE SOME THOUGHT - I CANT GO ANYWHERE - ok - NOT HIS FAULT - but I am in floods of tears as i have not been able to go out with mum as kids are bickering, and she has bought me home - and i cant cope with it -
Then have him, stop what he is doing, get showered and dressed and suited and booted and say -
" Right i'm off - see you later tonight " at lunchtime - well - that's cruel - IS'NT IT ?
Every time i start shouting - usually because of something he has done - he gets all humpy and quiet - wont connect or anything - and then that makes me mad -so i end up taking tablets -
YES I GO OTT AT EVERYTHING - AND ANYBODY ELSE WOULDNT - BUT - NO - ONE ELSE HAS TO LIVE WITH A BLOODY TUMOR IN THEIR HEAD
He mumbles so i think he is talking about me
Every time I 'go off on one' immediately after he goes on his phone - and looks like he is recording what i have done or said - i don't know if he is or is not
He overrides me with the kids -
He wont tell me what the kids are doing ( I have too much stuff to do - i cant tell you everything )
He now takes the Kids Friday nights to Skating ( I cant go as it is too loud - NOT HIS FAULT ) and Scouts and on Sunday He takes them to Rugby - I hardly see them - but he says i see them all the time - BUT When mum has them - she takes them to her house -
- THIS I KNOW IS FOR THE GOOD OF THE KIDS - THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM - Although - as an example - Mothers day - Tom had a 20 minute Rugby match - BUT Alan decided to stay ALL DAY as it was a International Friendly - and i have a feeling he wanted to watch the girls play -
Tom text me to say ' HE HAD FINISHED but Dad was still on the Scores ' - so - Mothers Day - WHAT A WASTE OF TIME ..... Shows me what Alan thinks of me does it not ...
Now - Easter - Rugby = Alan gets to see them - and i'm Home Alone - as i can't go to busy places ....
NOT HIS FAULT - MY ILLNESS - BUT please -
Easter Sunday - IT'S A HOLIDAY - I should be with the kids -
He does not miss out - I DO - When he has 'his days' he has the car - can do what he wants
when i have 'my days - I DO NOTHING - Because I can't get out alone - NOT HIS FAULT
He has taken the kids on holiday - and left me here - ALWAYS ASKS ME TO GO -
BUT - The anxiety is far too much, and i DON'T want to ruin it for them
I have my son tell me i don't go to places as i can't be bothered - but - IT'S JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO EXPOSE THEM TO MY BEHAVIOR IF I HAVE A 'STORM' and i don't want to stop them having a good time.. So- I don't go ...... I lose out - so they can enjoy - BUT THEY DON'T SEE IT AS THAT - they see that i don't try ... But - when they are out enjoying themselves - im cleaning etc etc etc
I'm sure he is playing mind games, BUT then - he is lovely and helps and does loads - or seems as though he is doing loads - I don't know he won't tell me -
I'm petrified he is going to walk off with the kids
I'm petrified he is going to take me to the train station when i ask him - so i can throw myself under a train - where in fact i do not want to
I'm HUGELY worried i'm going to take an overdose again
I want to be with my 2 x kids
I can't control my 'Storms'
I can't be Ignored
I can't - I won't - etc etc - This all sounds so negative -
BUT I'M TOTALLY NOT A NEGATIVE PERSON
I TRY TO KEEP BUSY AND MOTIVATED BY DOING MY HOUSEWORK - AND SORTING THE KIDS THINGS, MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL AND TWITTER AND PINTEREST
I AM A HAPPY, VERY FRIENDLY, POSITIVE, CONFIDENT FUNNY PERSON
- SO - WHATS HAPPENING TO ME ???
I WON'T BE WITHOUT MY KIDS
I WON'T LIVE ON MY OWN AND HAVE THEM BROUGHT TO SEE ME FOR AN HOUR A DAY - Thats tooooo upsetting for them and me - i'd rather not see them at all
I CAN'T LIVE WITH HIM IF HIS BEHAVIOR CONTINUES
SO - WHAT IS THERE FOR ME - NOTHING
FUCK ME EVEN I'M BORED OF THIS NOW - SO I WILL SHUT UP !
I CAN'T HAVE THE CONSTANT THREAT OF BEING HOME ALONE
I CANT PUT UP WITH THIS
THEN AGAIN - NEITHER CAN HE -
IDEAS PLEASE - I NEED IDEAS
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