I was scheduled to have my 10th MRI.
I woke bright and early on a Friday morning.They always ask and it's a good thing do as i would forget, they asked me to wear clothes without buttons or zippers. I woke up, sipped a cup of strong hot coffee, took a quick shower, and threw on a clean dress, at 7:00 AM, I looked like I'd just rolled out of bed, anyway. My appt was not till 2pm - but - i like to be ready - seriously - i'm ready and early everywhere i go !
This particular MRI was an interesting experience - I still can`t decide if it`s one of the most comfortable medical tests I've ever had to endure, or one of the funniest. I cant really comment on the differences between an open and a closed MRI; I don`t know that it would`ve made all that much difference to me, since I`m not the least bit claustrophobic, and actually rather enjoy the whole experience !
A handsome technician helped me into the tube of fun and strapped my head in place. I nervously remarked that a first name usually was required before I allowed anyone to tie me in a bed. He didn’t laugh but ordered me to hold still! Masterful - i like !!
Oh ok - for those that don't know - or have not followed my - erm - life - I have a Pituitary Disorder which is Tumors or Tumor on the Pituitary Gland ( The gland that controls your whole body ! ) - It is a chronic illness and receives very little media or popular attention - One of the issues is the Weight Gain , among many many other symptoms - and weight and an MRI Machine is a very interesting scenario ! The world-at-large knows little of our affliction, They look at us and just see a FATTY ! - Then with words of encouragment such as " Loose weight Fatty " or " Go to Weight Watchers - or Do some Exercise " we carry on regardless - TRYING !!
Although doctors continue studying the syndrome and have thankfully discovered means by which many can control their symptoms, there is no known cure apart from surgery - Many of which get rid of the tumor - but then the damage is done and many symptoms are left .... Ohhh and that's Surgery which i can't have - for whatever reason !
Back to the MRI - On the one hand, the table was not so hard, the technician put a nice cushion under my knees to keep my back comfortable, and he placed pads at my ears to keep my head from moving and help block out the sound. The room was neither too hot, nor too cold. A popular radio station provided a little background noise. All in all, it was comfortable. Lovely - nice and relaxing - Then up went the table - Mm - Even i knew it was tight !! Oh - VERY TIGHT !! Oh VERY VERY VERY TIGHT - Mrs Barry - Can you put your arms over your head - OK - That was Polite- i didnt fit with my arms at my side anymore - GREAT - and seriously - ive not been hungry or eaten for two days !! - and before that just fruit andDinners cooked by mother !! - OK - Arms over head now - still more than relaxed - as - yes - i know i'm HUGE - but - omg - i'm bloody sexy and fabulous too !!
Now - I have used this machine before - and i am 100% sure - 4 months ago - i was fine in it - i fitted and all was comfy - 4 months on - and - well - i was wondering - I heard the machine start up again and in i went - i got i, safe and sound - but - would i get out again ?!!
Anyways - even the noise of the machine once it gets going doesn't upset me, the MRI does sound a bit like a pile driver on speed and a distant jackhammer, punctuated by the occasional staple gun. Having that heavy piece of equipment hovering over your nose for well over an hour does make you wonder, idly, what your head would look like if the thing collapsed. The worst part, though, was the technician`s asking me "are you ok - Dont move." Well - how can i answer without nodding !!
Don't nod - . Now, that`s like saying "don`t think about pink elephants." Suddenly nodding became the one overwhelming obsession of my life. For a few minutes, I confused nodding with breathing, and thought maybe I should not do either one. Then I was not sure if it was possible to breathe without nodding. My tongue seemed to be glued to the back of my throat, obstructing my airway. I was aware of sensations related to nodding and the anatomy of my neck that Ive never given a thought to before in my life!
For a few minutes, right after the thumping noises got started, I had this barely controllable urge to laugh. The more I tried not to, the harder it was to contain myself. That was bad. I tried to imagine, again, what my head would look like if the machine collapsed upon my nose. Strangely, that only increased my urge to giggle.
Then I was hyperconscious of the need to pee. Given that I`d just toured the facilities a minute before hopping onto the table, it had to be a combination of early-morning coffee and excitement, but I was unable to think of anything but nodding, laughing, and trying not to disgrace myself for nearly 60 minutes! All went quiet in the chamber of secrets - and For all I knew, they were deciding which body parts to extract and sell on the black market. Then a queasy feeling predicted a pending passing of gas. I bit my tongue, pinched my side, and tried to focus on a pastoral scene in a green meadow beside a babbling brook.. I fidgeted.
“Please hold still,” came the sexy tech's voice from outside the shaft of shame.
I was trapped and helpless and so my now nervous body did what it does best: it farted. I released gas with the intensity and conviction of a team of sumo wrestlers after a chili-eating contest. And the confined space caused the sound to be amplified as if a dozen foghorns had simultaneously activated. I didn’t know whether to cry, giggle, or call my son and brag.
“Well now, I think we have enough images,” the handsome technician said, suppressing a laugh.
After the tests were done, I was helped up amid wafts of rather interesting scent and i - head down - giggling went to put my bra back on !! - Next time i go for a MRI - I am - without doubt going to ask to go to Margate - THEY ALL FART THERE !! xx
