Terrible Tuesday - The whole truth and nothing but the truth - my life vlog

Well , im sat in bed 6.15pm - was in the middle of doing a dex suppression test - ( cant even copy n paste atm - so basically its a test to stop my body producing cortisol - a usuall test in the uk is take 1 tablet and have a pre & post bloodt test  - well - i had that and i didnt supress - so they are doin a 8 tablet test - one dex tablet every 6 hours - and pre / post bloods - to see what happens - this is after over 10 MRI's and they KNOW and have Diagnosed a Bloody Brain Tumor ! ) but - ive decided to stop taking the tablets as now - the EX has decided that he is going to go and live with his Alcoholic Mother and Partner,

 this self same mother that was NEVER there for him as a child and NEVER there while we were going out, getting married, going through hard times she ONLY turned up when she wanted something. Which rhe ex - always tried to give her, HE always has forgiven and pretended she didnt do him wrong as a child and when he told her he needed money she said she wouldnt lend it to him - not even bus money - when we were getting married she gave him names of 'friends' that had always fancied him, and then on MY hen night - took over - DRUNK and bought me a bottle of sparkling wine  - being chilled in the dirtyest mop bucket you have ever seen - i woke up the next morning to find her on the floor with her sisters husband - yeah - classy,  in fact - well - it seems like now he finally has the mother he wanted - because she is aiding him to leave and go stay with her, with my two  children - who she has babysat for - ohhh about 5 times in the last two years and thats it - in a lovely but smoke filled two bedroom flat, with my two wonderful children - who HATE smoke - away from their animals and mother - because - HE CAN'T PUT UP WITH MY BEHAVIOR SINCE I HAVE TUMORS GROW IN MY HEAD... Got my diagnosis, then within a few months, we started sleeping apart, then he asks for a seperation. Then a Divorce.

But - truth be told I want a divorce too - I'd never be with someone that didnt want to be with me, and i dont want to make things difficult for anyone. I thought we were friends - but obviously not.
Thing is - I KNOW my behavior is unacceptable - but - due to uncontrollable rushes and decreases of hormone ( Due to Pituitary Tumors ) I CAN'T STOP ..... seriously - CAN'T NOT WON'T, I could not live with me either - and this behaviour doesnt have a ..................ohh cant think - anything can bring it on - and i wil do it in front of anyone - and not give a dam  - i swear terribly - tourette style - when i am in a 'storm' - but when i am not - i hardly swear - no more than the next man, I will also say and do things out of character - make things up - all just to hurt the person who has 'wronged' me ... I have put on huge amounts of weight - from 11 to 23 stone - got huge amounts of acne - smell - pmsl - ok maybe that is cause i do pmsl - but ffs, and now i seem to suffer from a kinda of social phobia - BUT I LOVE GOING OUT .... so I miss out on everything - I dont stop him taking kids anywhere - holidays etc etc - He goes out three times a week to - well - we all know where nudge nudge wink wink - and yeah - we are seperated  thats cool - BUT when he rings or texts to say he isnt coming home - and then my mum has to wake the kids up to take them back to her house as i am so bloody unpredictable THEN THATS NOT ON - and he thinks its just so i have control over him and what he is doing - and that is so far from the truth ..
Ohh had i said that my mother - older than 60 - but if i tell you how old she will make sure i have a very nasty death and i want to go peacefully  -like my grandmother, in my sleep - not like the passengers in her car at the time - scared and screaming.. ok ok - maybe thats not funny - but IM NOT A BLOODY DEPRESSIVE, it's the ilness and the situation that are making me so unhappy. Cant be left with my kids , cant go out, the fucking negativity is killing me - CAUSE IM POSITIVE and MOTIVATIONAL..... shut up - yes i am !!

and i have done EVERYTHING that i have been asked to do - been open to the fact that it may be a mental health problem - not an issue - I have been told many any times that my pituitary Tumor often comes over as Bipolar type symptoms - but- if you take time to speak to me - it's FAR more complex - I go in and out of depressions / highs / lows / anger / rage after seconds and instantaniously - i can bring myself down or up by taking a decent dose of Diazepam  ( have taken anything upto 30mg - in one dose - but just not hooked - i can leave it off for weeks and not be worried - i dont want to take the stuff - so if i dont have to - i wont - It can be over within seconds if someone speaks to me.....but - as this is known - so - i get left - so i start talking t myself - sound like a right nutter, and end up screaming and shouting - walking down the street in my pj's threatening to top myself, so he comes and gets me - I kinda want him to get me - but kinda don;t - i dont want to have to carry on like this - always the threat and it is a total THREAT of taking my kids away from me
and THATS been a total phobia ever since i gave birth - i have always had thoughts that someone would take them away - irrational - yeah - maybe - but - i have always had a bloody good sence of imagination .. always - and actually - thats a GOOD thing - because - its turned out to be true - so does this mean never to trust anyone ??? Id hate the thought of that - as i trust far too easily..... Everything that my ex had to put up with in his childhood - THAT'S NOT HIS FAULT- thats the way he was bought up - nothing he could have done - BUT his mum could have done something - if she wasnt drinking - and he has run back to her - ffs - he had a MASSIVE back operation - disks removed and none of his side of the family came to visit - he was in hospital for a few weeks - lost use of his legs - I had just had a baby - and we heard nothing,  MY family were there - ALL the time we asked them - always..

I am NOT having my chldren bought up or around a person who drinks to excess for one - or smokes to excess number two or number three doesnt like animals - and the ex has started to revert back now - when we were first together he liked - or at least pretended he liked the animals i had  - now - well - he is ok with the dog - but the cats - omg - he hates them.... and how can you hate the two cutest, friendliest, smiliest creatures that bring so much joy to your children - THAT'S NOT NORMAL.....
please excuse the spelling and typing errors in this blog as i have said i am doing this in bed - not my normal pc- and i can barely keep the bloody laptop still ! let alone think of spelling and punctuation ! ohh go me - spelt that right !
Anyways - today - i had done EVERYTHING, went out with aunt and had a lovely coffee n chat - lol -chatted her ear off - ok ok ok moaned at her ! - then a wander round a warehouse store thing - brilliant fun - rhen home - did a video for my youtube - and omg see me in those im chatty and fun and laughy - not this solum bad ass moany nagging biatch..... my laughing videos - thats me - i am lovely- I FUCKING AM !
Now the bloody hmp on my back is hurting - and  - nope don't tell anyone that that has started to hurt recently- they all think i moan too much !!  ok - i think they think !!
BUT now - going back to the subject - he wants to move in with God bloody Zilla, and if this goes live - well - all hell could break losose -but thing is - I havnt and actually never do lie - i havnt said anything that isnt true.... so you tell me - am i being harsh ??

He has apparently even told my daughter that we took the 'In sickness and in health ' bit out of our marrage vows - well - i dont remember that - i definatey took out the TO OBEY bit - no bloody chance do I obey anyone !!! and i also took out the ' your father will give you away ' bit - as - nope he stuck with me - and i dont want him giving me away - for a start im my own person and no-ones o give away - but - well - my dad is totally adorable - and id be heartbroken if he gave me away - so he kinda lent ..... na - didnt put that either - i think he said he would agree with the marrage or somethign !!!! lol - bles him
How and why say that to your 10 year old if you dont have something to hide - stop stop - im not bothered - its the fact that he said it - i DON'T want to be with him now anyways - god knows what he might have - BUT - i DO HAVE very strong 'friend' feelings for him - and i dont think he realises everything i do is becuase i love him as a friend and nothing else - i wouldnt touch him with a barge pole ater whata he did to me - BUT Id NEVER want harm to come to him - and I HONESTLY think he IS trying hs best .... Im just too much
BUT to keep taking MY kids off ... at the drop of a hat, and now over easter - well - im on my own easter sunday - i have the kids good friday and easter monday - but - becuae mum has to be there ALL THE TIME with the kids - I can only do a few hours before my head starts to go funny, so i will go home - and they go round to mums and dads - cause ohhhh yeah - HIS side of the family divorce as soon as illness erupts - or well - for whatever reason - all of his family are divorced- except the VERY nice ones - he rest - well- and a sister - she is adoable and lovely - but - well - black sheep isnt the name for it -she was ignored and still is by alot - treated disgustingly, only one sister still really speaks - but thats only when there is gossip to be had...... and ets just say - each and eveyone of them has had animals - and when they are bored - they get rid - thats normal for them - and - for me - that says it all
and ok ok - your all saying im bitter and twisted now - TOO DAM RIGHT

I was taught marry your best friend - he hasnt got any best friends - it was just me - i shoulda known - no thats nasty an he isnt nasty - he just comes from a line of people who have been used to being trodden and walked on and have to beg for attention.... well - I am not and will nevr be anyones doormat ......
as u may have guessed i am strong and confident adn bloody fiesty - thing is i dont play games - and i feel they all are.... its bloody tough and i cant stand it

either stay where i am and put up with this shit
let him move out - but in doing so - condem my wonderful kids to a life that he had - because - eb=ven tho i dont want to say it - he does have a drink problem - but is tru=ying his hardest to control it - but if he lives with his mum - well - thats ot the window - she started him smoking again keep asking him - as she does me - but - i wont out of sheer bloody mindedness - but - with the pressure i put him under- he surcummed  and now smokes ALOT.... Im in my 6th year of not smoking and my 8th year without drinking.... = yeah - feel no better - but - id be a hypocrite to start again now !

and if he moves out - because of my character - i get far far far to upset when MY CHILDEN get taken away - and then want to top myself - seriously - so - id rather not see them - and if i can't se the two thing that are my heart and mind - then - what the fuck is there ??
OBVIOUSLY my parents, and aunt, uncle and Cousin n her wonderful hubby - BUT they all have each other - and they have husbands / wives to fall abck on - I have no-one - and cause of my ilness - no-body is gonna want this ok VERY SEXY, funny,lovely but Humungous fat ill thing now are they ! ... sad fact my brother moved to australia 20 years ago - and i must have spoken to him 15 times in that time- he is just far too busy - so - nope havnt even got him .............. I cnt look after the animals properly, so - when my beloved peggatyPawz goes - im gonna be petrified- as i have always had large dogs for protection - once again the blinking imagination comes into play - and although Dave ( my unicorn ) is fabulous and so very handsome, he hasnt got a bark like a big dog and wont stop a burglar

Well - so much for a light hearted fun humerous blog - fuck that - do or die tonight
and Im hungry bu wont go downstairs - as he has lefta bloody great mess - after the WHOLE place was spotless, i even cooked a lovely chicken cassarole- which i havnt been able to do for years - lmao - and if they dotn make it back from rugby - maybe best not again  cause im still almost sure it was my chocolate cake that killed my grandfather - as it was the last thing to eat - and i know i cant cook - dont know why i bother, ohhh yeah - im NOT going down to clean up after that messey fu**er (ohhh getting better using ***** now !! ) again - it was spotless - everything done, down to bns emptied and welll - everything - and he comes in for two hours and leave a bloody mess again - saying - i had loads to do - yeah - like play fifa or something equally as imporant - o ok he was doing spellings with cass - which i cant do - as im as shite as her at them  and well the times table is way past me - and even when i was reading out a janet and john type funny book today - i even got that wrong - cause my sodding head cant concentrate !
If you dont laugh you cry !! and on that - i have even started a playlist on my youtube channel called- laughter the best medicine' blow me - i should wack this on there !!

CAUSE I ALWAYS TRY WHERE I CAN - thats why !

ohhh dont know where that came from ! - pmsl - and now i have that off my chest i feel much much much better - and - as i havnt lied -why the hell cant i publish it ??? My ex is the only one of that family that cared for me - and i know he still does - the rest have done nothing to help me or the kids- so - i owe them nothing - HE ... on the other hand - they owe him HUGELY and i just wish he would see that - he is a good guy - and cant help his past - but - he should recognise the people that actualy care - and not the people who care for what they can get.....

OK - i'm bored now and forgotton what this is about .... ohh i was gonna stop taking my tablets and top myself wasnt i - but- ive talked myself round - he is NOT taking my kids to HER house - HE can go - go and get the long rest that he needs -

and the kids will have to learn to put up with my moods BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING ILLNESS and i can do nothing more about it....... i OBVIOUSLY would not put my own wonderful kids through this if i had a choice- BUT I am THEIR mother - and I dont want them thinking i ABANDONED them - so yeah o - atm -he can fuck off- but those kids are staying with me...... I AM NOT A PART TIME PARENT - I dont go out at night - cause i need a break - I have to deal with what i have been dealt - and in fact -

IM DOING A FUCKING GOOD JOB

Ohhhhhhhh shite they all get home - i say to Son that he is NOT going away - and he tells me he is becuse i am not excactally responsible when i am ill - so he will stay with dad - so - well -thats told me - try and be strong and loving and wanting and - get kicked in the teeth - naaa - i wont stop - but- ffs please give me a break

MY PITUITARY AND now ex HUSBANDS RELATIONSHIP

Well - i can't lose this - a full hour and a half - earlier - all wasted as i tried to put my thoughts onto NotePad - as i don't think this is the place for them - BUT - well - sod it - I lost the lot as the computer crashed - so - Blog It - it's not as though i keep things secret anyways !! = Blabbermouth me !



OK - so - if you want a usual tale from me - here it comes - i'm getting good at writing tales of woe - but im trying - with this - to write down EVERYTHING that is making me ' storm ' and where I go on and on ( and on and on and on ) about Alan - The ex husband - Remember - He does have an awful LOT to put up with  - with me SCREAMING, and shouting and crying, and sobbing, and being abusive, and threatening, and aggressive towards him - so -
 THIS IS NOT A TALE OF BLAME - I'm trying to get things down !!

VERY QUICK OVER VIEW ( That turned out to be not so quick ! )

Alan and I have been together 21 years - Married in 2001 !
Best Friends - did everything together - work rest and play !
Laughed, Joked, and the odd shout - usually by me - as i do have a great temper !!
BUT - we got on famously - and i thought we were soul mates / Best Friends
Had Tom - Unbelievabley bad birth - had 12 epidurals - and none worked - until MUCH LATER - and then did not wear off - I could not walk properly / Think Properly for months and months - I got VERY depressed - and then went back to work - Leaving Alan - literally holding the baby, I worked while he stayed at home - I THOUGHT he was ok with this - I had always been the one to hold jobs down - not him - but - aparently - this was not the case - he wanted to work - but i stopped him  - 3 years passed -
Alan then had a VERY intense and dangerous procedure done on his back - involving a disk or two being removed - he was told to rest and do nothing - So - From what I can remember - I did my best - along with Mum and Auntie Gaye  ( Because i still was not brilliant myself ) - and took over - Alan was in immense pain but still did loads. He came home from Hospital - and remained in constant state of chronic back pain - to the stage where he had to use a Mobility Scooter to go anywhere, Things got a tad easier - and he went back to work - Taxi Driving - Killing his back - but - he did it .
I had to keep calling him - Mmmmmm - For reassurance or for advice or what i don't know .. Sometimes i was fine - and sometimes i was OTT and Clingy -
I don't know why - i was never like it before...

Then - We decided to have another - So Cassia came along - and This time I was superb = EVERY THING went so so well - the birth, coming home, Cass, everything - THEN - Well, firstly i couldnt feed Cass properly - we didnt know why until the Health Visitor said she was Tongue Tied - This should have been picked up at birth - but it was not  - AND THEN basically - I went into a Myexdema coma ( Waking Coma ) due to a VERY Low Thyroid Problem - This was sorted by taking tablets - BUT I was NOT right  - I would still slump to the floor - and lay, till  - given time - i came round - I was always aware of what was happening - i just could not respond. AT ALL
OK - Hypothyroidism was diagnosed - and - I was apparently a Surgery first for having my test result levels - off the scale - Thrilled with that i was !!
Anyways - FREE Drugs for the rest of my life - wheww whewwww !!
All kinda OK - BUT - I could not lose weight - I did not over eat - Actually - it's as simple as that - I did not !! - BUT - I was getting bigger and bigger
THEN THE MOOD CHANGES, Concentration / Relaxation / Thought Process / Brain Fog issues started - and a whole host of other symptoms - Far too many to keep putting down in blog form !!
GP Immediately told myself - with Alan in the room that she was SURE i had a Pituitary Tumor / Cushings Disease -

and - due to this she was going to get me scanned - BUT - It was very unlikely that anything would show - she was right - about 9 years ( YES YEARS ) later and many many many scans - FINALLY a Pituitary Tumor showed up - and I was called into the GP - Alan came with me - " Mrs Barry - I'm very sorry to say but - yes you do have a Brain Tumor "
THOSE WERE HER EXACT WORDS - well
I could not have been happier - I knew I was not going mad -
I was NOT putting on all the emotional traumas and the weight problems etc etc -
I HAD A DIAGNOSIS .... Fabulous - big smile
LMAO - well - nobody really takes it seriously - I have the diagnosis - and STILL -
I'm being treated as a Mentally Ill Patient - Psychotherapists and Psychiatrists tell me it is DEFINITELY a Medical Problem = and Medically i'm told it is a Psych problem - I have been to Councillors / psych's / mental health teams / crisis teams / EVERYWHERE I'M TOLD - I GO
- I WANT HELP !

Now - Alan has decided ( well - After  I got the diagnosis - 2 YEARS AGO  ) that - in fact - we were just friends = and he did not want to be married to me anymore - BUT
- He would stay in the house - as he knew i could NOT cope with the kids on my own -
I was - a little GOB-SMACKED - to say the least = BUT - after a while - ( and no - i don't mean of him using mind control !!! ) I did actually get that we were and probably always had, been JUST GOOD FRIENDS - Nothing more - and because i had never had a relationship - boyfriend before - well - I went at it all guns blazing - and actually had been brought up believing that you could and did marry your Best Friend - and that's what i did !! - BUT Alan wanted more - he definitely wanted a more physical relationship ( although I did actually think that we were physical and i would not ever have said we didnt have a healthy sex life - Ohhhh ok - a few times i may have gone for a few months - because of the babies - but other than that - i definitely DO NOT REMEMBER NOT BEING ACTIVE FOR YEARS AT A TIME ! - OK AT THE TIME - I really had other things on my mind !!
BUT - Now - I totally DON'T want to be married to him either - and really thought we were friends - but well - I'm starting to wonder ??
He HATES IT BEING NEAR ME to say the least, He Keeps saying about having " Boundaries" - I have NO IDEA WHAT HE MEANS -
He tells me I take no responsibility and wont make decisions - but when i say i want to make decisions - he says - well make them then - and i ask - WHAT DECISION DO I HAVE TO MAKE  and he says - well - You have to decide that - AND OMFG - AM I GOING MAD - ??? - I can not think of ANY DECISIONS THAT I HAVE TO MAKE ....
I know my brain doesnt work that well at times - but please - who can think of a qustion that they have to make an answer to ??

.......... He KNOWS - He was there when the GP told me the news  - He KNOWS i'm NOT lying about my head  - But he indicates that i can actually control my behavior - " Stop playing up "
 " Calm Down " - " That behavior is NOT acceptable ! "-
(TRIGGER HERE - THIS IS WHEN I GET TOO ANNOYED AND CAN'T CALM MYSELF WITHOUT HEFTY DOSES OF DIAZEPAM)
WELL I BLOODY KNOW THAT DON'T I - I'M NOT DOING IT CAUSE I WANT TO
he may either talk - which calms me fairly quickly - AND EVERYONE TELLS HIM IS THE BEST CAUSE OF ACTION
or he will get the kids and walk out - getting in the car and going - which makes me VERY VERY aggressive - LOOKING as though i could hurt him - ALTHOUGH i have never actually touched him, He always backs away from me though - and says that i am being aggressive, and has said he will call the police -
ANOTHER TRIGGER - Why call the police for what he is causing - and what can't be controlled
AND THEN on the other hand - He says he knows i can't control it and if he thought i was lying - he would have left a long time ago ....... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK - So, He asked my mum who now has dropped a load of work so SHE can have the kids ( Alan says it is down to her - as I can't look after them )  Mon / Weds and Saturdays - She picks them up from school and makes dinner - comes to ours - warms dinner through and we all eat together while Alan is out - Doing whatever Secret Spy Stuff he is doing that particular week - ANOTHER TRIGGER - I hate not knowing what people are doing
- BUT - i have tryed to install in my head, that i don't have to know everything -
BUT when he comes home and asks " Wheres my Passport "
- OBVIOUSLY  i start to get worried - Thinking that he is taking the kids away
= He then tells me " it's for work " - BUT HE HAS NOT GOT A JOB - so what the bloody hell is going on ... OF COURSE I AM PARANOID with that behavior going on ..................
But I understand that he needs his own space and want his privacy - Even last year i knew HE NEEDED TIME OUT so agreed that he could use money from our ( Yup - That's OUR ) business to go to Ibiza for a week = and ever since - all i remember from when he came back is  " What went on in Ibiza - stays in Ibiza " - and the kids think that is fabulous - How funny -
I think it is downright bloody Stupid - We are not together - so i could not care less what he got up too - BUT he is trying to wind me up .......

He is ALWAYS saying if i want to go away i can - BUT -
1) I cant go anywhere without someone
2) I get very very anxious
3) I would not go away without the kids
4) I don't want to go anywhere
5) I don't want to go away alone
6) I can't travel alone

+ even though i have not had my licence taken away - I'm not driving at the moment - as really i don't feel safe - BUT - Alan also takes this to extremes - when i say i'm ok - and want to go - he won't let me have the car keys - I say i will pull over - or not drive again till i am ok - and he still won't. Totally controlling. ( But i can kinda understand )
BUT then this leaves me - with mum Mon weds and SOMETIMES Saturday AND THAT'S IT - I see no body else - except the kids - and now - Alan - who i used to talk to all the time - has taken that all away from me,

He wont answer texts
He wont answer phone calls
He keeps getting Texts and Emails and Voicemails
He says his friends or Family won't come round because of me - BUT - I HAVE NEVER - IN 21 YEARS SEEN ANY OF HIS FRIENDS and His family have never come round unless we have a BBQ or They want something - BUT - Being Fair - they are better now - and his mum rings almost daily - WHICH WINDS ME RIGHT UP - IT'S AS IF I'M ABUSING HIM - AND SHE IS PUTTING HER TWO PENNYWORTH IN - TELLING HIM TO LEAVE
If I say Good Morning he will not answer - and says he can't hear
He makes himself a cup of coffee - and not me
He won't drink coffee i make
Every time i make dinner - he asks me EXACTALLY how i make it - as if i am going to poison them
He will do cleaning - after I have cleaned
He walks into a room and ignores me
He will walk out of a room if i walk in
He will sit in silence / with a horrible look on his face ( But - i do get that a lot of this is because he is in pain  ) BUT - I BELIEVE IT IS BECAUSE HE HATES ME ( Yes he has said this in the heat of an arguement ) - It's horrible

BUT since we split - he no longer needs a Mobility Scooter, He has lost LOADS of weight - ( Which i think is due to stress ) - and in fact - now has come off Disability - so he can go to work - But - He isnt working and HE IS STILL ILL - BLAMES ME, FOR HIM, NOT GETTING A JOB - AND IS USING THE HOUSES MONEY TO PAY OUR MORTGAGE AND BILLS - SO if one week he is short - My housekeeping money goes down - leaving me very very very short - I then use my disability money - so then - I can't afford to pay to take my mum out for a coffee, after everything she does, and she ends up paying - AGAIN - Then on the odd occasion that Alan and I go out- we end up round at his mothers - where she gives him money back - that HE HAS LENT HER - he is sooooo wanting to help everyone - and ends up making us short to be nice to everyone else -
PEOPLE TAKE THE PISS .
Mum and I have said we will sort things if he gets a job - but he turns it round saying -
" Your mum cant do 7am - 7pm can she " - and well - NO - But - Neither can you ...

He says he will be home at 9 pm so mum and dad ( who has Parkinsons ) can go home - and does not turn up - won't answer his phone, so mum and dad have to take the kids home with them - as i am unpredictable - Happened at 11.30 pm - Having to wake Cassia up - before now

He Has turned up in a Police Car
He Has Turned up in an Ambulance x 2
He Has been done for Drink driving and lost his licence for a year - ( On the day i was told i had a brain tumor - He thus blamed me ! )

He does nothing to help at home - but has the audacity to say he does everything
Although - When i break things - ON A REGULAR OCCURRENCE
He does fix things immediately - and says not to worry - so he is good like that

He tells me i THINK i do a lot more than i do -
But is aware that I am trying, and in fact don't need to do anything

He does do my Finances - as i can't even read out a credit card number right anymore

I get VERY VERY anxious etc when i do stuff - But - Because of this - he has complete control of finances of the houses that we own - and says that because he does EVERYTHING for them - or rather - gets Tenants to do it - He is due what he is due - and i am due NOTHING .....
except my disability, and money when we sell -
BUT he does pay for Children's Xmas and Birthday pressies out of rent money -
and if i need anything - he ALWAYS says to ask him and he will ALWAYS give me the money -
But - I should NOT have to ask - I also have NO DOUBT THAT I WILL GET HALF OF EQUITY = HE IS NOT GOING TO FLEECE ME - HE IS NOT LIKE THAT ....
He has spent thousands on Gambling, Going Out and Drink and the Ibiza Holiday
He also owes me £1000 from my grandmothers Will = Or rather the Business does - as he had to borrow it - for the business - I HAVE NO DOUBT I WILL GET IT BACK -
I DON'T THINK HE IS TRYING TO DO ME OUT OF ANYTHING
He goes out - or is free to go out Mon / Weds / Sat - But - chooses to be home during the day, so i can't get on ( NOT that he does this on purpose - he does this cause he has nowhere else to go - he usually on sits on FIFA - WHICH IS A HUGE TRIGGER ! Then says that he is working = and then goes to the pub at about 2 pm -
I have BANNED ALCOHOL in the house and he is superb about this - and does not ever bring it in - but - comes in merry or smashed .... Alcohol is a MAJOR TRIGGER i have !!

He does not always get in late - BUT it got to the point now where mum has said she will have the kids overnight on a Saturday - as we can't be sure if he will be home in time ......

I can totally understand that he wants a nice time - and to enjoy himself - BUT please - HAVE SOME THOUGHT - I CANT GO ANYWHERE -  ok - NOT HIS FAULT - but I am in floods of tears as i have not been able to go out with mum as kids are bickering, and she has bought me home - and i cant cope with it -
Then have him, stop what he is doing, get showered and dressed and suited and booted and say -
" Right i'm off - see you later tonight  " at lunchtime - well - that's cruel - IS'NT IT ?
Every time i start shouting - usually because of something he has done - he gets all humpy and quiet - wont connect or anything - and then that makes me mad -so i end up taking tablets -

YES I GO OTT AT EVERYTHING - AND ANYBODY ELSE WOULDNT - BUT - NO - ONE ELSE HAS TO LIVE WITH A BLOODY TUMOR IN THEIR HEAD

He mumbles so i think he is talking about me
Every time I 'go off on one' immediately after he goes on his phone - and looks like he is recording what i have done or said - i don't know if he is or is not
He overrides me with the kids -
He wont tell me what the kids are doing ( I have too much stuff to do - i cant tell you everything )
He now takes the Kids Friday nights to Skating ( I cant go as it is too loud - NOT HIS FAULT ) and Scouts and on Sunday He takes them to Rugby - I hardly see them - but he says i see them all the time - BUT When mum has them - she takes them to her house -
 - THIS I KNOW IS FOR THE GOOD OF THE KIDS - THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM - Although - as an example - Mothers day - Tom had a 20 minute Rugby match - BUT Alan decided to stay ALL DAY as it was a International Friendly - and i have a feeling he wanted to watch the girls play -
Tom text me to say ' HE HAD FINISHED but Dad was still on the Scores ' - so - Mothers Day - WHAT A WASTE OF TIME ..... Shows me what Alan thinks of me does it not ...

Now - Easter - Rugby = Alan gets to see them - and i'm Home Alone - as i can't go to busy places ....
NOT HIS FAULT - MY ILLNESS - BUT please -
Easter Sunday - IT'S A HOLIDAY - I should be with the kids -
He does not miss out - I DO - When he has 'his days' he has the car - can do what he wants
when i have 'my days - I DO NOTHING - Because I can't get out alone - NOT HIS FAULT
He has taken the kids on holiday - and left me here - ALWAYS ASKS ME TO GO -
BUT - The anxiety is far too much, and i DON'T want to ruin it for them
I have my son tell me i don't go to places as i can't be bothered - but - IT'S JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO EXPOSE THEM TO MY BEHAVIOR IF I HAVE A 'STORM' and i don't want to stop them having a good time.. So- I don't go ...... I lose out - so they can enjoy - BUT THEY DON'T SEE IT AS THAT - they see that i don't try ... But - when they are out enjoying themselves - im cleaning etc etc etc


I'm sure he is playing mind games, BUT then - he is lovely and helps and does loads - or seems as though he is doing loads - I don't know he won't tell me  -

I'm petrified he is going to walk off with the kids
I'm petrified he is going to take me to the train station when i ask him - so i can throw myself under a train - where in fact i do not want to
I'm HUGELY worried i'm going to take an overdose again
I want to be with my 2 x kids
I can't control my 'Storms'
I can't be Ignored

I can't - I won't - etc etc - This all sounds so negative -
BUT I'M TOTALLY NOT A NEGATIVE PERSON

I TRY TO KEEP BUSY AND MOTIVATED BY DOING MY HOUSEWORK - AND SORTING THE KIDS THINGS, MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL AND TWITTER AND PINTEREST


I AM A HAPPY, VERY FRIENDLY, POSITIVE, CONFIDENT FUNNY PERSON
- SO - WHATS HAPPENING TO ME ???


I WON'T BE WITHOUT MY KIDS

I WON'T LIVE ON MY OWN AND HAVE THEM BROUGHT TO SEE ME FOR AN HOUR A DAY - Thats tooooo upsetting for them and me - i'd rather not see them at all

I CAN'T LIVE WITH HIM IF HIS BEHAVIOR CONTINUES

SO - WHAT IS THERE FOR ME - NOTHING

FUCK ME EVEN I'M BORED OF THIS NOW - SO I WILL SHUT UP !


 I CAN'T HAVE THE CONSTANT THREAT OF BEING HOME ALONE
 I CANT PUT UP WITH THIS

 THEN AGAIN - NEITHER CAN HE -

IDEAS PLEASE - I NEED IDEAS

CHILDISH REMINISCING DAYS GONE BY IN BROADSTAIRS

Well - i don't know where i am going ............ OMG QUE SONG

WHITESNAKE !!!

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahf3ud0RUUA

I don't know where I'm going
But, I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Such a brilliant song - and omg it just comes out of nowhere - - ok - what i was going to say is - I don't know where i am going with this Blog - Ive had a dodgy day - MOAN MOAN MOAN - but I have had loads of lovely comments on YouTube and a couple of new messages from DECENT guys living close to me - on facebook - so - in that respect i am a happy person - atm ! - I say Person - as I am NOT a girl - and i definatly don't class myself as ' a lady ' - LMFAO  at the thought ! - Can a woman dress up as a drag queen - I don't know but i'd sure as well make a good one ! -
and OMG i was just that second thinking of a friend ( lmao - NOT in the drag queen sense ) - and this

" FACEBOOK - Louise Sullivan Just commented on your link " popped up - and WEIRD DODO DODO DODODODODODO ! - It was she i was thinking of - as she always reminds me of a Lady - ( * Laughing here at David Walliams saying it - ''I'm a laydeee and i do laydeeee things'' ) - whenever i say it i think of him ! ) BUT - omfg - she has the mouth of a sailor - and is the beautifullist - is that a word ? - lovliest person you could ever meet ! - Sorry Lou if you are reading this - best i tag you in it so you don't get approached !! Asked for your Autograph for knowing the only LUNATIC Nut Mental Headcase in Herne Bay !! THAT'S MEEEEE BTW !

Anyways - omg - whata day - Mother went off on holiday this morning - dad woke her very very excited at 7.30 with a cup of tea - They are off for two days to .............. Broadstairs - and yes yes - they live in Herne Bay -

31 min Herne Bay to Broadstairs - (16.2 mi) via Thanet Way/A299

Yes- 31 minutes by car - thats right !!

Broadstairs is brim-full of nostalgic, old-world, seaside charm. Sandy bays meet surf schools. Fishermen's cottages meet Charles Dickens connections. Retro ice-cream parlours meet chic shops. Relaxed and unspoilt, Perfect for my mother !! - This is the perfect place for chilled-out, family-friendly fun. I can remember going there as a child - complete with our LARGE long hair german shepherd dog -

I was about 6 - my brother 10 ? - and leaving dad DRAG the dog along who decided that she HAD to get rid of the terrible case of diarrhea Poor Sasha had an urgent feeling that she needed to have a bowel movement, Thin VERY VERY loose stools, ok - Watery stool, complete with heaving and Nausea and vomiting, her tummy bloated and she had awful Cramps, leading her to make terrible noises from both ends - well - this would have been really really worrying and frightening if we had not seen her eat a whole tub of prawns earlier - and thus we KNEW she was going to be ok - It was just ashame that she did all this outside the lovely quintessential quiet beautifully flowered ice cream parlour on the seafront - full to the brim with chattering and laughing old ladies and sweet old gentleman sharing stories, a whole host of children playing games on the path and gleefully and sweetly babbleing to each other, THEN SASHA STARTED - the first we knew were the sounds of movement from the fluid and gas that the bowels in particular were producing.. The bubbling and gurgling sounds that intensified during Sasha's strong urge to pass stool ..... Ohh if only it were a stool - Explosive diarrhea erupted from Sasha - Complete with tail going up and down, and stomach contracting in and out - along with the very frequent bowel movements that was expelled from Poor Sash in an almost violent nature and was unusually and excessively loud .... Well - Barnaby - myself - and my mother - ALL LEFT MY FATHER to drag the poor dog away - BUT - Sasha was NOT going anywhere - This needed to be evacuated - and it needed to be evacuated NOW .... PAWS DUG IN - Dad dragging her along - Imagine this hut - with LOTS of chairs and tables -

 = all leads to unhappy Ice-cream eaters with their posh italian ice creams melting slowly as they watched in utter disdain - total repungance - as Sasha's tail went ten to the dozen, stomach heaving in and out, and well - that made it funnier - and with our sense of humor as a family - well - we were in HYSTERICS  - OMG - THEN THE SMELL - putrid, death, rotting smell of ohhhhh you get my drift - The term Diarrhea is very subjective, meaning that one person’s idea of explosive diarrhea may vary from another. It is usually very forceful, and is also described as violent, and loud due to the force that a stool is expelled coupled with excessive gas (flatulence) that typically accompanies the diarrhea, yeah - this is DEFINATELY how Poor sash should be described ..all i can say - DAD WAS NOT HAPPY WITH US !  Anyway Broadstairs boasts an impressive seven sand-filled beaches and bays, all of which, i'm sure, can now smell, that the Collin Family had arrived ...

I'm sure Mum and dad will not have another experience like that this time around - well - not unless Mutti has a Teacake .. But - we won't go into that - Im sure they will remember the SashaGate incident on their little jaunt to the seaside - and will have a good laugh - OK - Mum will have a good laugh and Dad will cringe ! -  ;) - Broadstairs also means you have to Head to Joss Bay to learn to surf - Yeah Maybe not for my Dad ? or rural Botany Bay  to saunter amid towering chalk stacks, yup this is more up their street. At the town's main beach, Viking Bay, discover children's rides, beach huts, surfing, a harbour and cliff-top promenade, they may well just head to the Prom !
The town has a wealth of inviting cafes, OMG Dad is going to be in his element - and THIS reminds me of a time we  - as a family went to one of the  two 1950's ice-cream parlours Morelli's where provided are flavourful scoops of nostalgia in the shape of Ice Creme - Grandad and Nan ( No longer with us ) we - ........ with us at that point - and they have not deceased because of this visit - BUT Nan told Grandad to buy everyone a Cake and a drink - BUT - even back then the expence came into play - well - grandad got everyone a Horlicks - and then ordered nan, mum, dad, my brother and I a small one Mr Whippy ice cream - no cone - no flake - in a bowl - WHILE he ordered himself THE BIGGEST AND MOST EXQUISITE, DELICIOUS, INCOMPARABLE Black forest cake you could ever imagine, complete with TWO large scoops of Italian IceCream ! - Well - ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE -

My Brother and I sat there eating the ice cream and sippping the Horlicks - mum drunk VERY quickly her drink, all while Nan had gone outside - leaving her Horlicks and 'icecream' and had sat on a bench outside the cafe - well - we finished and went out - Leaving Dad to eat the Black Forest Cake " well - it's a shame to let it go to waste " .............. Nan and grandad all this time were argueing on the bench outside - and even though mum had tried to stop this - it didnt work - so she walked off - then Barn and I went outside - Nan and Grandad still agitating each other in a very perturbing / unhinged way - Mmmm - All over a gateau ! - All while this was going on - which in fact took about an hour - an entire Fairground had set up around them - and I do mean AROUND them - When we went back to get them - Still displaying signs of battle ... They looked up - looked around and actually started laughing - neither had realised this entire fairground had arrived - let alone set up shop - I'll never forget the look on the faces of the Gaffer and Fairground attendants, Priceless ... Anyways - back to the hotel we went - and all Peace restored ...

In the High Street, historic red-brick and flint-fronted buildings are dotted between a rich stock of independent shops, including a certain little shop that sells - well - all i can say is a Multitude of Items that should NOT be for the eyes of a young Abby, well - things Vibrated and spun and looked like a scene out of  'Debbie does Dallas'  - not in fact that i have ever seen it - but it always congers up a certain image - I also hope Mum & Dad Look out for galleries including New Kent, Little Art Gallery and Broadstairs Gallery
Broadstairs was Charles Dickens' favourite holiday spot, and this is what Mum always remembers and first tells people about Broadstairs - Explore a wealth of Dickens memorabilia and prints at the Dickens House Museum - also the former home of Mary Pearson Strong, who inspired the character Betsey Trotwood in David Copperfield. - and loved David Copperfield so much - thats where Peggaty's name comes from - my beloved dog - ( One of which i have never felt embarassed by !! ) - Peggotty ( yeah I spell it differently ! ) is David's old nurse and his mother's housekeeper. Her primary characteristic, so far as we can see (besides the red, rough cheeks David keeps teasing her for) is her loyalty, and omg - you couldnt find a more loyal dog than my girl -  Even though Mrs. Copperfield frequently yells at Peggotty, and due to my illness i yell alot at my old girl -  Peggotty never deserts her, and my Pegs sits looking at my face while her head rests on my knee -  Even though the Murdstones try to freeze Peggotty out of the house, she promises she "won't leave - Peggaty Does the name proud -

You can also visit Bleak House, an imposing, cliff-top building where Dickens holidayed in the 1850s and '60s, and wrote David Copperfield. I just know mum and dad will visit - Cliff-top paths link beautiful bays, just inland St Peter's village stages award-winning heritage tours, while the Crampton Tower Museum  provides an intriguing insight into Victorian engineering. After all that, they can kick-back and enjoy a free afternoon concert at the bandstand while loving a coffee and a nice BIG Black Forest Gateau !!

Enjoy Aged P's - I'm sure your going to have a blast !!


AND OMG - WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT MY NON STARTER FOR TEN - WOULD HAVE ENDED UP AS A NOSTALGIC MEMOIR !!

PITUITARY TUMOR - EMOTIONAL ABUSE - CARER & PATIENT

OK - I start with an APOLOGY !!! This is NOT the funny, Light hearted, Optimistic ( Although it will be a little i hope ! ) Blog that I promised in my last rant -
OMG I'M TURNING INTO A MOANER !! - But - that's ok - as I'm still beautiful !! ;)

It came to my attention while out this morning - That ALOT of people are talking, No names mentioned !!, and they believe that I am a sufferer of Emotional Abuse

( So what is emotional abuse? It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and subjugate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven’t dealt with — perhaps as a result of being abused themselves. They didn’t learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless. -  http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse )

Healthy relationships ( inc Friendships ) are based on trust, mutual respect, and security.


Each person must feel they are valued and loved unconditionally, accepted for who they are, and safe to expose their vulnerabilities and flaws. But  - one of the partnership is ill .... and the other is there just to help, then - ALL SORTS OF TROUBLE STARTS ....

Very Very Interesting - as I too thought / think that a little of this goes on - BUT - being the person I am - and the confident - mouthy - overbearing - assertive / bordering on aggressive - pushy person that i am, i thought this would never be the case -

OMG - I LEARNT SOMETHING ! - Actually I learned loads - it's a fascinating subject, psychologically - and it's weird - just quickly - i can't concentrate on anything when i have to look down - but - looking at the computer screen - not taking every little detail in - I can concentrate for alot longer - although - i do seem to phase / zone out - but - omg - this is quite articulate for me, considering i have not slept much - and I went out this morning ( i'm usually asleep by now ! )  !! = Im Impressed, and very quizzical about the whole thing !
( I have two pituitary Brain tumors and when i look down - hold a Book / Tablet / Kindle to read - i can only take in a few lines - due to pain / concentration )

OK - To start at the relative beginning - my - ' Change '  - Two years ago I was finally diagnosed with a Pituitary Tumor = Basically effects everything you can imagine - I also have Hypothyroidism - so mixed with unable to exercise - I am HUGELY overweight - BUT once i finally realised I was not to blame - and, in fact, the amount i did eat was smaller than most people, I let up on myself - and now just 'am' = lol - I mean i don't worry about my weight - well - I can't do anything about it - ( I did try the Gym for about a year - near on two - 2 x hours a day for 5 days a week - one hour in the gym and one hour Aqua - BUT - Nothing came off - even with healthy eating - So - I know - Heart in hand - if that is the right saying ? - That i TRIED , and seriously NOTHING works - So - I can't beat myself up about it - I even thought of a Gastric band - but - WHATS THE POINT = I don't eat much anyway, Most days I drink endless cups of coffee, and only eat actual food at about 5pm - Dinner time - Because- I'm NOT hungry !! =  I know - Many of you will be saying - ohh there's your problem - you should eat little and often - ( I seriously could be a dietitian the amount i know on the subject ) BUT - if i do that - i graze - and that's all i can think about - so - I eat when i am hungry = so - i can't eat even less than i do now !! THAT'S DANGEROUS !! )  OMG I have gone on about weight - off topic - so - to bring it back - the EX has NEVER said anything but encouragement for my weight issues - I think because he sees that i don't overeat = and knows i try my hardest ....There you go - back on track ! Anyways - at this time the EX bought up that we were not happy / in love as a couple - and he thought it wise to split up - I TOTALLY AGREED - ( after lots of thought ) I was NOT forced into thinking like that - and now - I truly believe i should never have married my first boyfriend = BUT - bringing me back to the pig headed person I am - I wanted to, Listened to no-body - we do and did get on like a house on fire - so - I THOUGHT YOU MARRIED YOUR BEST FRIEND !! So i did !! ..... THAT IS NOT THE CASE !! Anyway - We had two children - I was sick and could NOT look after them alone - and so - he moved finally into a newly partitioned off lounge - and made this his bedroom - Fine by me !



Anyways, This Pit Tumor changed me - TOTALLY AND BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION, It has made me into the person i am today, who - I LIKE !! - Except for the emotional part !! That is like a woman scorned with PMT x 1000 mixed with THE HULK ! - I am totally serious = It truly is horrendous and even I hate myself when i am 'off on one' - I really am NOT ME - So much so - that - totally rationally - i think that EVERYONE is better off without me here - as i totally disrupt - EVERYTHING - even though i don't want to ................

Now - Psychological abuse, also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. - I have all three, in the extreme.

Now - in Simplistic terms - Emotional / Psychological abuse can be narrowed down - and if a number of 'signs'  are carried out - then - a person is suffering from Abuse ... so - I was thinking - from my point of view - HE IS DOING THIS TOO ME - he is making me down-troddon and reliant and mentally disturbed through HIS behavior -
For Example ( Just a few - there are many more )
1) He will not sit next to me - Because i 'invade' his personal space and we need 'boundaries' ??? I don't know either, as I definatly do not feel the urge to jump on him or rub my leg upon his or anything else for that matter ! So 'Boundaries' are what ?? - He says he can't explain - and I should KNOW !
2) He will not always make me a coffee when he has one - knowing this is a major ' Trigger ' - he still wont - I will always make him a coffee - i don't always remember to ask - so - i just make one - it's NORMAL - it's just being nice
3) I am not allowed in his bedroom  - AT ALL - Invading his personnel space - Not even to clean - as the place is filthy - he knows this winds me up
4) Anything to do with OUR business - he deals with - as he says it will make me ill - and he is trying to help and remove all stress - now i get no money ( apart from paying half the Mortage and Bills & shopping )  from the business - as HE does it all - So - he gets whats left over ... I just get my Disability ..... He has stopped his disability - ( Even though he has made a remarkable half recovery since we split up - and can do an awful lot more, No longer needs a mobility scooter for eg - he is NOT as he should be - and is always in pain )
5) Says I turn things around and fixate  ( yeah i do - this is my illness )
6) Tells me to take tablets when HE has made me mad - I DON'T want to be taking STRONG anti-psychotic tablets when i am just angry - because he has instigated the anger - I can calm down myself - i only need tablets when i am ill !

7) He starts an arguement when due to go out with kids - so i end up staying at home - and he takes kids out without me - I therefore only go out with mum on a Monday and a Weds and sometimes Auntie Gaye on a Tuesday - BUT - yesterday I came down - after getting ready and was very much looking forward to a morning out - and came downstairs to be greeted to him drinking a lone coffee and told me he was selling a house, one of OUR houses - so he could look after me - and the kids - and we would go back to Normal, and we could all go out - and go for dinners and enjoy afternoons out, go on holiday etc  - HOW DARE HE - I can't go away anyway due to my illness - I can't go out for long cause i get so tired - and No way was I selling a house to adhere to his drink and gambling addiction - and he does NOT want to be with me - so - WHY SAY HE WANTS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME ...... I am NOT stupid ... and if that is all it took - then - why not be nice now ?? SO ANGRY .... So i spent the day popping pills and in my room - ALL DAY - Nothing to eat or drink - and - '' well - thats not my problem '' .............................. Humanity - where is the humanity
8) I cant mention certain things in case it makes him angry / NEVER PHYSICALLY - Just goes quiet - and that's another 'trigger' - if he is quiet - i think i have done something wrong - '' Ohhhh your paranoid '' That's what i get - then he tells me he is tired - or in pain - BUT - If i am tired or in pain - i have to go up to my bedroom !! ....... But - he stays - so that winds me up
9) If we are out - he constantly follows me - even though - i may be fine - and then i get angry - then - when i dont feel well - he leave me - and i go funny
10) Treats me like a child when i am having a nice time - because it may interupt others - I DON'T CARE AS LONG AS MY CHILDREN AND I ARE HAVING A NICE TIME !! - I'm not disrespectful or nasty - may just be a tad loud ...
11) He never listens to me - or i feel as though he doesnt
12) I feel like i need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere
13) .I get accused or blamed for things i know aren’t true - ie - " You moved the ....... - " - and ok - i know i do have a habit of moving things - but - I KNOW I DIDN'T MOVE THAT - and then it gets found - I NEVER get apologised too 
14) I get blamed for problems, life difficulties, and unhappiness, or rather not ME - but my illness .....
15) OMG the amount of subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control me - I CAN'T STOP MY BEHAVIOUR WHEN I AM ILL - THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO - AND I CAN'T REMEMBER TO TAKE TABLETS - TELL ME TO AND I GENERALLY WILL - .......... " But - it's not my place to tell you ! " - OHHH FFS I CANT WIN

HE CAN'T WIN EITHER !!! I know that - BUT - neither can I  .... we DON'T want to be together - and he makes that PERFECTLY CLEAR daily - and tells me time after time that he would have been fine if we had not stayed together - BUT when i met him - he was at rock bottom - Even though he will say otherwise  - Ohhh he has told me his family and friends won't come around because of me - but - when they do - I always tell them they are welcome anytime ....... and they don't show up again for months ..... So I am sure it's not to do with me - it's the way they are - but - he has me believing it's me - I have never ever ever seen one of his 'friends' EVER in 21 years - But - apparently they won't come round because of me - ?????? WHAT ?????

Ohhh he is forever saying i don't understand what he is saying - and i turn things round to be nasty - But - being told -
Right - you MUST make a decision -
I then ask what decision -
to be told -
You have to think of that yourself - WHATTTTTTTTT
BUT I CAN'T THINK - so i then believe I am actually going mad !! -
I can't think of the question that i have to answer - OMG !

OK OK - I go on and on - ohhhhhhhhhh and the list - i didnt tell you about the list !!

Apparently if you have to endure any of the below - you are suffering at the hands of emotional abuse

1)Threatened to harm your partner, their friends or family, punch walls or smash things.
Put them down, make them feel bad about themselves, make them think they're crazy, humiliate them.

2)Control what they do ( i openly encourage him to do what he wants - except play fifa if i am talking to him as this is a MAJOR TRIGGER ) , who they see ( NEVER control this ) , what they read ( NEVER ) and where they go, limit or discourage outside involvement ( I will not allow alcohol into the house - to the extent that his mother would not come for Christmas dinner BUT only because they all drink to excess - and i do NOT agree with it - He has been bought home in an Ambulance x 2 and a Police car once and was caught drink Driving and banned for a year - so - I don't think i'm to blame for hating alcohol )

3)Encourage children to take sides ( Telling daughter we took out - 'in sickness and in health from our marriage vows to allow him to basically feel better about whats happening - ALTHOUGH - IN HIS DEFENSE - I AM FINE WITH HIM SEEING OTHER WOMEN - AS I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO HIM EITHER ! )  , make them feel guilty about the children, use child contact to harass them. ( If i am going Bizurk - he takes the kids away from me - although it is him who has caused it - and then goes and books a holiday - or a caravan - so they are not near me - ALL I WANT IS MY KIDS - I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ALONE ) and again - for his preservation - i guess - my behaviour is terrible and the kids should not be privvy to it - BUT IF IT WASNT BOUGHT ON - THEY WOULDNT ...

RIGHT - IT IS NOT THE EX'S FAULT THAT I AM ILL - AND - HE DOES NOT HAVE TO STAY HERE WITH ME AND THE KIDS - HE COULD HAVE TAKEN THEM AWAY = AND GOT A HOUSE - AND LEFT ME - BY MYSELF - WITH FAMILY = BECAUSE I CANNOT LOOK AFTER THE KIDS - AND NO - THATS NOT HIM TALKING - THATS ME - He actually says i will be fine - and if he isn' there - there will not be as many triggers - as he knows he does trigger - sometimes meaningfully - and sometimes not -

IN REALITY - HE IS ALSO SUFFERING MANY MANY MANY FORMS OF THIS PSYCHOLOGICAL STRESS AND ABUSE AT THE HANDS OF MYSELF - BUT - ONLY WHEN I AM ILL - WHEN I AM NOT ILL - I WALK AWAY - AND GO TO MY ROOM - WHERE - GENERALLY I WILL STAY ALL DAY LONG - UNTIL HE COMES UPSTAIRS BECAUSE I AM IN HYSTERIA and talks me down - saying i have it all wrong - and everything is fine ....

I have threatened to kill him
I have threatened to stab him
I have threatened to kill myself - Not just threat - i have gone through with this three times, but he has helped me
I punch walls and hit my head against walls and smash / break things ( never hurt him though )
I put him down and put his family down and constantly tell him it's all his fault
I tell him he is an Alcoholic - like the rest of his family
I say other - TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE things - and just can't stop
I swear - the most TERRIBLE words at him
I make things up that will hurt him
I will no longer allow Alcohol in the house - AT ALL
I bought 2 x cats - when he told me not too because he is allergic - causing him to live in the log cabin for two months - ( But we had cats before - it's just because he does NOT like cats - and please - WHO DOES NOT LIKE CATS AND IS SAIN )

I make him feel bad about himself
I tell him i hate him - where really i love him - BUT JUST AS A FRIEND
I have made false allegations about him and this is endless
The list here is endless - I tell him he is horrible and I don't want the kids turning out as socially and emotionally unstable as him
I tell him i never loved him
We should never have got married
Ohhh this list is endless


But - All that is when i am ill - and i can understand - that he does what he does, because he has had to endure YEARS of Torment and Frustration and Turmoil and Pain and Anguish ... Al at the hands of MY ILLNESS - I was not ever like this before -
He feels he can't leave because the kids will lose me ( I can't and won't live on my own - i won't live with family - as i will be a burden - and i defintely WON'T live without my children - i did not have them to be a single parent - I know - extremes - BUT THAT'S HOW I LIVE MY LIFE - I WOULD RATHER TAKE MY LIFE - THAN BE WITHOUT MY CHILDREN ) - and he does actually want to help me - I KNOW HE DOES - and when i have been ok for a few days - he lets his guard down - ( he has to keep it up to protect himself ) and we have a laugh and everyone has a good time - but - this is very few and far between - BUT - we DO get along - and he is a lovely guy - we just are at the end of our tether - BOTH OF US .......

Pituitary Brain Tumor x 2 = MARRIAGE & MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT

Well - I've always been brought up to believe that Marriage was a entwinement ( ohhh good word ) between two people - because they Loved being with each other and they loved laughing together and wanted to bring up kids and were basically soulmates - NOTHING to do with sex or physicality or anything like that - it was drummed into me that it was all to do with being with one's BEST friend - First and Foremost - Anyways - I found this " Best mate " spent 24/7 with him for about 6 years - and then we married and had kids x 2 and the dog, and cats - and both had jobs ........ Then i started to become- 'odd' - ok - even odder than usual ! - Ohhhh behave ! Rudeness is NOT required here ! -

Then he found out he had a crushed spine ( Nothing to do with my 'oddnessicity ! - Ohhhh good word ! ) and he eventually had to undergo surgery to remove a inflated disk - leaving him very very very slow and in pain ALL THE TIME - From what I can remember - I was there - and was looking after the kids with help of Mum and Auntie Gaye - His family were NO-WHERE to be seen and did not even visit in hospital - BUT we got though it- and lived with him using Mobility Scooters and Not being able to do much at all - although - give him his due- he always put himself in pain and would rather do things than do nothing - the Houses that we own, went to rack and ruin - BUT he saw to it that they were 'maintained' to a good enough standard so that they could be rented - You can see it on his face how much pain he is in, and still is ...

BUT NOW ....
I became ill - Firstly i was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism - Thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH, also called thyrotropin) stimulates growth of the thyroid gland and the release of thyroid hormone. Thyroid hormone regulates metabolism. Too much makes you hyperactive and shaky, and too little makes you sluggish, other common signs of an underactive thyroid are tiredness, weight gain and feeling very depressed.
An underactive thyroid can often be successfully treated by taking daily hormone tablets to replace the hormones your thyroid isn't making. I am at the very height of Tablet taking !!
There's no way of preventing an underactive thyroid. Most cases are caused either by the immune system attacking the thyroid gland and damaging it,  . If a pituitary tumor makes too much TSH, it can cause hyperthyroidism (an overactive thyroid gland). But it seems mine makes too little !!

Basically at the very beginning the GP told me i had a problem with my Pituitary Gland - The pituitary gland is connected directly to part of the brain called the hypothalamus. This provides a key link between the brain and the endocrine system, a collection of glands in the body that make hormones. Hormones are substances released into the blood that control how other organs work. The hypothalamus releases hormones into tiny blood vessels directly connected to the pituitary gland. These cause the pituitary gland to make its own hormones. The pituitary is considered the “master control gland” because the hormones it makes control the levels of hormones made by most other endocrine glands in the body.

Well after about 9 years they found after many MRI scans that i have a Pituitary Adenoma - ( The second was detected a few months ago ) Basically - the Consultants have had me on Anti-Psychotic Drugs ( As symptoms come over as very psychotic ! ) Which lead to HUGE weight gain - and they have also tried Epilepsy drugs to control the pressure in my head, Now - at this precise moment - i am left with taking HUGE amounts of Diazepam ( that i don't seem to get addicted too ! ) and CONSIDERABLE amounts of Nurofen/Codene/Ibruphen to combat the major headaches that i get - right behind they eyes - ohhh just where the Pit gland is ! - They have not actually told me why they wont remove them - This took a Psychologist to explain - ( I have now seen 6 x Psych's and each say that they cannot help as it is a medical matter !! ) Anyways - The Psych said that they won't operate - as per usual - due to a problem with my Amygdala gland - at the back of the head - Conditions such as anxiety, autism, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and phobias are suspected of being linked to abnormal functioning of the amygdala, owing to damage, developmental problems, or neurotransmitter imbalance - Apparently mine is due to the latter - due to the Poorly functioning Pituitary - Well - if they operated - I could be left in a suicidal / rage all the time - lol - and NO-ONE WANTS THAT,  it is totally uncontrollable - think THE HULK !  .... So I am at the moment undertaking yet MORE testing - ( Have just completed a 30 day urine sample test !0 and will begin shortly a 6 x dose of The Dexamethasone suppression test (DST) which is used to assess adrenal gland function by measuring how cortisol levels change in response to an injection of dexamethasone. It is typically used to diagnose Cushing's syndrome, as I have all the symptoms - just - in a cyclical form - ie happening at intervals -

This apparently is very rare and happens to a very small amount of people - if your interested - this is a great article

- http://www.eje-online.org/content/157/3/245.full

I can be 'myself' for days - and then - WHAM - I get struck - Nothing brings it on - or i could be triggered - by something as small as someone breathing wrongly !! - I have a variety of emotions that i go through - I call these 'STORMS' - ( As a Doctor once called them this - i did - but recently i found out it is not a medically recognised term ! - lmao - bit like me really ) OK - The emotions I go through - and they are NOT the run of the mill emotional state that a 'normal' person will experience - I shall TRY to explain

RAGE STORM - Uncontrollable - Vile language, saying things that hurt the most to people i love - Unable to stop - Totally trying to get over my point of view - looks VERY VERY aggressive - Have hit my head on walls - punched myself and thrown tables / chairs ... I have no doubt that if someone went to attack me in one of my rages - I WOULD WIN !! Controlled usually ONLY by medication.

ANGER STORM - Different to Rage - lol - I will just not stop talking - getting into peoples faces to get my point heard, all because i don't agree with what has been said ... ( But- I may - actually agree - Just at the time - i don't !! - )

UPSET STORM - This is like NOTHING you have ever felt - I actually have tried to commit suicide now three times - Once by trying to cut my wrists - and twice by tablet taking - the first time The EX Husband called an ambulance - but - because of the amount of Cortisol i had going through my veins - It counteracted the tablets i took - and supressed the toxicity - Usually because i feel useless or unloved - NEITHER OF WHICH I AM !!

ANXIETY STORM - I am Jumpy - think people are coming at me from either side - scream as if i am being attacked - ohhh it's fun to be with me !! ( Usually this happens when i cant see - my vision has gone very very blurry and my peripheral vision has gone totally )

HYSTERICAL STORM - This is just where i think everything is unbelieveably funny - and this one - i love - i dont mind at all - except i do sometimes feel i may well have a heart attack as i can't stop laughing !

I also get a strange 'feeling' in my head that causes me to tilt my head and try to ease - get the feeling away -
I may start to cry for no reason
Forgetfulness
Brain Fog
Unable to concentrate
Lose all sense of what i am doing - to the degree that i have walked in front of cars and just thought ' Ohh they will stop '
One day I can walk miles - and the next i will walk to the end of the drive and not be able to comprehend what i am doing - I won't be able to talk or get people to understand what is happening - my whole head slows down - to nothing
I hardly eat - just am not hungry - yet - i'm 23 stone !! ( I presume this is because i can't excercise easily
Just lifting a toothbrush to clean my teeth will have me in floods of tears
Noise / Lights will set my head off
Looking to the left and right will make my head start .... Pain / unable to think
Ohh i can be totally paranoid about everything and anything too

I NEED TO GET OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING - CONSTANTLY - I NEED TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND ALMOST RELEASE THE PRESSURE - I do these through CONSTANT TALKING - that wears people out !! - except me - or by doing

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I go out with mum on a Mon / Weds and sometimes a Saturday - ( we have kids then - BUT if kids are playing up - i can't go - as this sets me off too !! ) Tuesday - Auntie Gaye takes me out for coffee - Unless I get set off in the morning - which is what happens alot - The ex just says something - and thats it - im back in bed and won't budge - usually in floods of tears - wanting to commit suicide...

Then I get told how lucky i am

All i say to that is - EXCUSE MY FRENCH - Fuck off

OK - The EX has now decided that we are in fact NOT friends - and he is ONLY here because of the kids - Then - the next day - he has feelings for me - friend wise - and wants to help -
BUT IM NOT CARE IN THE FUCKING COMMUNITY !! -
EX- "Ohhh come on Abby - You havnt been out for days - I'd better get you out"
My response - Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  FUCK OFF
If he had said - " i'm going out for a coffee - do you fancy coming " - Now ok - i may have said no - but - lol - i may have said yes ! = depending on how paranoid i was at the time !
He can deal with me - whatever 'Storm' I throw at him ! - and i do feel safe if he is there - well - we have been together 21 years ! and ok - i dont want to be with him now either - so - at least that is amicable - but - not being able to move on - move out and carry on - omg - it's unbearable - he is going to the pub three nights a week - so HE gets a break - and im here with my stressed out mother - my dad who is ill himself - and the kids - who are worried that everything is going to change - THEN i have him say - ' well if you want to move out - i will help you with everything - thing is - i have never been on my own - and anyways - there is no way i am leaving my kids - So - I stay and put up - well - i dont put up - i do'nt do anything i don't want - im totally strong willed and NOTHING is going to change that - a doormat i am not - BUT - THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE ONLY OTHER OPTION IS SUICIDE -

I don't have anything apart from my kids - and i honestly feel they could get on better without the constant bickering and screaming and bad behaviour on my part - now PLEASE DONT SEND IN COMMENTS - Suicide is never the answer - BUT - I can't be treated - I can't move forward - I'm dependant after being as independant as i could after leaving home and moving in with my first boyfriend - and now im living with someone - who has changed beyond all recognition - who says i hold them back - yeah - that makes me feel great - BUT - Ex says in a few years the kids are old enough to leave - and he will then be gone - and then - from what i can see i will be totally left alone - WHY WAIT FOR THAT SENARIO ?? I have little to no money - even though i own half of a successful property business - BUT- I am NOT due any of that income as i don't help towards to running of it - i only am due the profit when we sell - Mmmmmmmmmm - THAT'S NOT RIGHT !! He can smoke and drink and go out - and do all this - and i can't even buy coffee for my mother who is still working to make sure she can pay to feed myself and the kids three days a week - THATS NOT RIGHT - and it's NOT a case of stop being so negative - things will work out - BECAUSE THEY WONT - I HAVE TO LEARNT TO COPE WITH THIS - AND WHO ON EARTH COULD WHEN THEY ARE STRONG WILLED AND DETERMINED TO FIGHT AT EVERY STEP - WHO COULD BECOME DEPENDANT - AND KEEP ASKING FOR HELP -  .. Actually - I won't ask for help - because - people know my story - and - they have fights of their own - they don't need mine to  - If i am not here - then that's one less thing for them to worry about - i will be at peace - and nooo - it's not attention seeking - it's just how it is .... Ohhh Abby being melodramatic again - yeah yeah - heard it all  before -

I DON'T feel safe if anyone else is there - as I know people can start me off - and if they do - i dont know if there words are going to throw me into a anger/anxiety/paranoia etc etc 'Storm' and any one of these could be dangerous - i DON'T even trust myself ...

I ONLY ever go out with people i trust - and KNOW could cope if i got ill - and actually - that isnt a lot of people - just a small handful - and only if they ask me - as i dont want to be forced on someone ... or make them feel guilty about HAVING to go out with me - otherwise - my mum or alan ( The EX ) will come with me - I now don't go out on my own - at all .... I can't drive anymore - and I can't even make it round to the Bus stop - lol - and if i got there i would not be able to fathom out where to go or what to do - or if i did - how am i gonna get back !!

I HATE being beholden to anyone - Let alone my mother ( Who also has my dad - with Parkinsons to Deal with - another trigger - as this makes me OVERLY upset and irrational ) and a guy who does NOT want not be here.....But does TRY his best - MOST of the time - as i do throw ALOT his way - and he still trys ...

Then I have the ' Ohh Your not understanding me' or - ' Your not making any sense ' routines - where in fact - i KNOW i am making perfect sense = I'm sure it's other people using my illness to their own advantage ... and then THAT starts me off !!

AND OMG CAN I MOAN !!!!!! PMSL - Can i maon - AND I'M NOT EVEN A MOANY PERSON !!!

So Today - I was meant to go out with Auntie Gaye - i text her at 1.30am - becuase as soon as i see i have a text from someone - i text them right back - i don't think of looking at the time - I KNOWWW !! - and said i was looking forward to coffee - then Del and Rodney joined me on the bed - and we went to sleep - I woke at 6am - and had a shower - Got dressed - looked stunning ;) = sorted waffles and orange juice for the kids - sorted cats and dog's breakfast - tidied up the kitchen - and then set fire to the waffles - and swore very loudly - then set on another lot - added banana to unburnt waffles - and made coffee - EX came and joined me in living room - and said - well - ive been thinking - I'm going to sell Queens Gardens - so the kids and I - ohh and you - can have a nice time - and i can get back to helping you - and doing more things - WELL FUCK ME - I'm NOT signing to sell a house so you can drink the profits and gamble them and then go on holiday with my kids while i stay here home alone - ( OK - I would and have paid for them to go on holiday before as it's not the kids fault im ill - This is not the case ) BUT- I'm NOT paying for him anymore to Go out, gamble and smoke and drink - while i do none of the above - OK OK - Bitter and twisted i may be - but - Rightly so i think !!
So anyways - after a while i decided - to stop all the bickering i would need to top myself - only way out - Totally rational - and he said - ok - but do it within the next two weeks - because i want to put the house on the market ...  You must promise - ok
FUCK YOU
I went upstairs - In my bedclothes - full make up

- and phone Auntie Gaye - Told her what had happened and didnt really get the response i was looking for - she was in hysterics - so i said Fuck you - and put the phone down - and went to sleep - 9.30am - Woke at 3PM - he just went to collect Cassia from School - Heard him make himself a coffee - * Shakes head * any normal person would ask if i wanted one - but - nothing - he does not see it is his worry .... BUT - I went upstairs to get out of his way - FFS - anyways - something happened - and i went down - in floods - MANIC SUICIDAL FLOODS - shoes on / bag / Had enough - he said ohhh come and have a coffee - and made me one  and well - I was off - ( and as you can tell i have not stopped since ! ) But - he is make me Mince Pie and peas for dinner - yeah - that is his nutritional standard - UNBELIEVEABLE - But- it's ok with him - and he actually knows know better - even though he thinks he does - so - i say nothing - except thank you - as he didnt need to make dinner - They have been gone 40 minutes - off to Tom's Rugby - and i am here alone - again - writing .......

Holby tonight, if they get home soon enough - and the only other thing i really look forward to every day - GRIMM while in bed tonight at 9pm !! BRILLIANT - AND LOVE IT !!

OK - I will shut up now - and wil try to make my next blog funnier and more exciting !! ;)
If you made it this far - i am sorry - and please excuse the rant ......
Thanks for listening ...