Then he found out he had a crushed spine ( Nothing to do with my 'oddnessicity ! - Ohhhh good word ! ) and he eventually had to undergo surgery to remove a inflated disk - leaving him very very very slow and in pain ALL THE TIME - From what I can remember - I was there - and was looking after the kids with help of Mum and Auntie Gaye - His family were NO-WHERE to be seen and did not even visit in hospital - BUT we got though it- and lived with him using Mobility Scooters and Not being able to do much at all - although - give him his due- he always put himself in pain and would rather do things than do nothing - the Houses that we own, went to rack and ruin - BUT he saw to it that they were 'maintained' to a good enough standard so that they could be rented - You can see it on his face how much pain he is in, and still is ...
BUT NOW ....
I became ill - Firstly i was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism - Thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH, also called thyrotropin) stimulates growth of the thyroid gland and the release of thyroid hormone. Thyroid hormone regulates metabolism. Too much makes you hyperactive and shaky, and too little makes you sluggish, other common signs of an underactive thyroid are tiredness, weight gain and feeling very depressed.
An underactive thyroid can often be successfully treated by taking daily hormone tablets to replace the hormones your thyroid isn't making. I am at the very height of Tablet taking !!
There's no way of preventing an underactive thyroid. Most cases are caused either by the immune system attacking the thyroid gland and damaging it, . If a pituitary tumor makes too much TSH, it can cause hyperthyroidism (an overactive thyroid gland). But it seems mine makes too little !!
Basically at the very beginning the GP told me i had a problem with my Pituitary Gland - The pituitary gland is connected directly to part of the brain called the hypothalamus. This provides a key link between the brain and the endocrine system, a collection of glands in the body that make hormones. Hormones are substances released into the blood that control how other organs work. The hypothalamus releases hormones into tiny blood vessels directly connected to the pituitary gland. These cause the pituitary gland to make its own hormones. The pituitary is considered the “master control gland” because the hormones it makes control the levels of hormones made by most other endocrine glands in the body.
Well after about 9 years they found after many MRI scans that i have a Pituitary Adenoma - ( The second was detected a few months ago ) Basically - the Consultants have had me on Anti-Psychotic Drugs ( As symptoms come over as very psychotic ! ) Which lead to HUGE weight gain - and they have also tried Epilepsy drugs to control the pressure in my head, Now - at this precise moment - i am left with taking HUGE amounts of Diazepam ( that i don't seem to get addicted too ! ) and CONSIDERABLE amounts of Nurofen/Codene/Ibruphen to combat the major headaches that i get - right behind they eyes - ohhh just where the Pit gland is ! - They have not actually told me why they wont remove them - This took a Psychologist to explain - ( I have now seen 6 x Psych's and each say that they cannot help as it is a medical matter !! ) Anyways - The Psych said that they won't operate - as per usual - due to a problem with my Amygdala gland - at the back of the head - Conditions such as anxiety, autism, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and phobias are suspected of being linked to abnormal functioning of the amygdala, owing to damage, developmental problems, or neurotransmitter imbalance - Apparently mine is due to the latter - due to the Poorly functioning Pituitary - Well - if they operated - I could be left in a suicidal / rage all the time - lol - and NO-ONE WANTS THAT, it is totally uncontrollable - think THE HULK ! .... So I am at the moment undertaking yet MORE testing - ( Have just completed a 30 day urine sample test !0 and will begin shortly a 6 x dose of The Dexamethasone suppression test (DST) which is used to assess adrenal gland function by measuring how cortisol levels change in response to an injection of dexamethasone. It is typically used to diagnose Cushing's syndrome, as I have all the symptoms - just - in a cyclical form - ie happening at intervals -
This apparently is very rare and happens to a very small amount of people - if your interested - this is a great article
- http://www.eje-online.org/content/157/3/245.full
I can be 'myself' for days - and then - WHAM - I get struck - Nothing brings it on - or i could be triggered - by something as small as someone breathing wrongly !! - I have a variety of emotions that i go through - I call these 'STORMS' - ( As a Doctor once called them this - i did - but recently i found out it is not a medically recognised term ! - lmao - bit like me really ) OK - The emotions I go through - and they are NOT the run of the mill emotional state that a 'normal' person will experience - I shall TRY to explain
RAGE STORM - Uncontrollable - Vile language, saying things that hurt the most to people i love - Unable to stop - Totally trying to get over my point of view - looks VERY VERY aggressive - Have hit my head on walls - punched myself and thrown tables / chairs ... I have no doubt that if someone went to attack me in one of my rages - I WOULD WIN !! Controlled usually ONLY by medication.
ANGER STORM - Different to Rage - lol - I will just not stop talking - getting into peoples faces to get my point heard, all because i don't agree with what has been said ... ( But- I may - actually agree - Just at the time - i don't !! - )
UPSET STORM - This is like NOTHING you have ever felt - I actually have tried to commit suicide now three times - Once by trying to cut my wrists - and twice by tablet taking - the first time The EX Husband called an ambulance - but - because of the amount of Cortisol i had going through my veins - It counteracted the tablets i took - and supressed the toxicity - Usually because i feel useless or unloved - NEITHER OF WHICH I AM !!
ANXIETY STORM - I am Jumpy - think people are coming at me from either side - scream as if i am being attacked - ohhh it's fun to be with me !! ( Usually this happens when i cant see - my vision has gone very very blurry and my peripheral vision has gone totally )
HYSTERICAL STORM - This is just where i think everything is unbelieveably funny - and this one - i love - i dont mind at all - except i do sometimes feel i may well have a heart attack as i can't stop laughing !
I also get a strange 'feeling' in my head that causes me to tilt my head and try to ease - get the feeling away -
I may start to cry for no reason
Forgetfulness
Brain Fog
Unable to concentrate
Lose all sense of what i am doing - to the degree that i have walked in front of cars and just thought ' Ohh they will stop '
One day I can walk miles - and the next i will walk to the end of the drive and not be able to comprehend what i am doing - I won't be able to talk or get people to understand what is happening - my whole head slows down - to nothing
I hardly eat - just am not hungry - yet - i'm 23 stone !! ( I presume this is because i can't excercise easily
Just lifting a toothbrush to clean my teeth will have me in floods of tears
Noise / Lights will set my head off
Looking to the left and right will make my head start .... Pain / unable to think
Ohh i can be totally paranoid about everything and anything too
I NEED TO GET OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING - CONSTANTLY - I NEED TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND ALMOST RELEASE THE PRESSURE - I do these through CONSTANT TALKING - that wears people out !! - except me - or by doing
youtube channel - abigail barry bbw /
blogs / PeggatyPawz
pinterest - Abigail Barry - Unicorns and Abiland /
facebook - Abigail Barry /
twitter - AbigailBarry1 !!
I go out with mum on a Mon / Weds and sometimes a Saturday - ( we have kids then - BUT if kids are playing up - i can't go - as this sets me off too !! ) Tuesday - Auntie Gaye takes me out for coffee - Unless I get set off in the morning - which is what happens alot - The ex just says something - and thats it - im back in bed and won't budge - usually in floods of tears - wanting to commit suicide...
Then I get told how lucky i am
All i say to that is - EXCUSE MY FRENCH - Fuck off
OK - The EX has now decided that we are in fact NOT friends - and he is ONLY here because of the kids - Then - the next day - he has feelings for me - friend wise - and wants to help -
BUT IM NOT CARE IN THE FUCKING COMMUNITY !! -
EX- "Ohhh come on Abby - You havnt been out for days - I'd better get you out"
My response - Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh FUCK OFF
If he had said - " i'm going out for a coffee - do you fancy coming " - Now ok - i may have said no - but - lol - i may have said yes ! = depending on how paranoid i was at the time !
He can deal with me - whatever 'Storm' I throw at him ! - and i do feel safe if he is there - well - we have been together 21 years ! and ok - i dont want to be with him now either - so - at least that is amicable - but - not being able to move on - move out and carry on - omg - it's unbearable - he is going to the pub three nights a week - so HE gets a break - and im here with my stressed out mother - my dad who is ill himself - and the kids - who are worried that everything is going to change - THEN i have him say - ' well if you want to move out - i will help you with everything - thing is - i have never been on my own - and anyways - there is no way i am leaving my kids - So - I stay and put up - well - i dont put up - i do'nt do anything i don't want - im totally strong willed and NOTHING is going to change that - a doormat i am not - BUT - THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE ONLY OTHER OPTION IS SUICIDE -
I don't have anything apart from my kids - and i honestly feel they could get on better without the constant bickering and screaming and bad behaviour on my part - now PLEASE DONT SEND IN COMMENTS - Suicide is never the answer - BUT - I can't be treated - I can't move forward - I'm dependant after being as independant as i could after leaving home and moving in with my first boyfriend - and now im living with someone - who has changed beyond all recognition - who says i hold them back - yeah - that makes me feel great - BUT - Ex says in a few years the kids are old enough to leave - and he will then be gone - and then - from what i can see i will be totally left alone - WHY WAIT FOR THAT SENARIO ?? I have little to no money - even though i own half of a successful property business - BUT- I am NOT due any of that income as i don't help towards to running of it - i only am due the profit when we sell - Mmmmmmmmmm - THAT'S NOT RIGHT !! He can smoke and drink and go out - and do all this - and i can't even buy coffee for my mother who is still working to make sure she can pay to feed myself and the kids three days a week - THATS NOT RIGHT - and it's NOT a case of stop being so negative - things will work out - BECAUSE THEY WONT - I HAVE TO LEARNT TO COPE WITH THIS - AND WHO ON EARTH COULD WHEN THEY ARE STRONG WILLED AND DETERMINED TO FIGHT AT EVERY STEP - WHO COULD BECOME DEPENDANT - AND KEEP ASKING FOR HELP - .. Actually - I won't ask for help - because - people know my story - and - they have fights of their own - they don't need mine to - If i am not here - then that's one less thing for them to worry about - i will be at peace - and nooo - it's not attention seeking - it's just how it is .... Ohhh Abby being melodramatic again - yeah yeah - heard it all before -
I DON'T feel safe if anyone else is there - as I know people can start me off - and if they do - i dont know if there words are going to throw me into a anger/anxiety/paranoia etc etc 'Storm' and any one of these could be dangerous - i DON'T even trust myself ...
I ONLY ever go out with people i trust - and KNOW could cope if i got ill - and actually - that isnt a lot of people - just a small handful - and only if they ask me - as i dont want to be forced on someone ... or make them feel guilty about HAVING to go out with me - otherwise - my mum or alan ( The EX ) will come with me - I now don't go out on my own - at all .... I can't drive anymore - and I can't even make it round to the Bus stop - lol - and if i got there i would not be able to fathom out where to go or what to do - or if i did - how am i gonna get back !!
I HATE being beholden to anyone - Let alone my mother ( Who also has my dad - with Parkinsons to Deal with - another trigger - as this makes me OVERLY upset and irrational ) and a guy who does NOT want not be here.....But does TRY his best - MOST of the time - as i do throw ALOT his way - and he still trys ...
Then I have the ' Ohh Your not understanding me' or - ' Your not making any sense ' routines - where in fact - i KNOW i am making perfect sense = I'm sure it's other people using my illness to their own advantage ... and then THAT starts me off !!
AND OMG CAN I MOAN !!!!!! PMSL - Can i maon - AND I'M NOT EVEN A MOANY PERSON !!!
So Today - I was meant to go out with Auntie Gaye - i text her at 1.30am - becuase as soon as i see i have a text from someone - i text them right back - i don't think of looking at the time - I KNOWWW !! - and said i was looking forward to coffee - then Del and Rodney joined me on the bed - and we went to sleep - I woke at 6am - and had a shower - Got dressed - looked stunning ;) = sorted waffles and orange juice for the kids - sorted cats and dog's breakfast - tidied up the kitchen - and then set fire to the waffles - and swore very loudly - then set on another lot - added banana to unburnt waffles - and made coffee - EX came and joined me in living room - and said - well - ive been thinking - I'm going to sell Queens Gardens - so the kids and I - ohh and you - can have a nice time - and i can get back to helping you - and doing more things - WELL FUCK ME - I'm NOT signing to sell a house so you can drink the profits and gamble them and then go on holiday with my kids while i stay here home alone - ( OK - I would and have paid for them to go on holiday before as it's not the kids fault im ill - This is not the case ) BUT- I'm NOT paying for him anymore to Go out, gamble and smoke and drink - while i do none of the above - OK OK - Bitter and twisted i may be - but - Rightly so i think !!
So anyways - after a while i decided - to stop all the bickering i would need to top myself - only way out - Totally rational - and he said - ok - but do it within the next two weeks - because i want to put the house on the market ... You must promise - ok
FUCK YOU
I went upstairs - In my bedclothes - full make up
- and phone Auntie Gaye - Told her what had happened and didnt really get the response i was looking for - she was in hysterics - so i said Fuck you - and put the phone down - and went to sleep - 9.30am - Woke at 3PM - he just went to collect Cassia from School - Heard him make himself a coffee - * Shakes head * any normal person would ask if i wanted one - but - nothing - he does not see it is his worry .... BUT - I went upstairs to get out of his way - FFS - anyways - something happened - and i went down - in floods - MANIC SUICIDAL FLOODS - shoes on / bag / Had enough - he said ohhh come and have a coffee - and made me one and well - I was off - ( and as you can tell i have not stopped since ! ) But - he is make me Mince Pie and peas for dinner - yeah - that is his nutritional standard - UNBELIEVEABLE - But- it's ok with him - and he actually knows know better - even though he thinks he does - so - i say nothing - except thank you - as he didnt need to make dinner - They have been gone 40 minutes - off to Tom's Rugby - and i am here alone - again - writing .......
Holby tonight, if they get home soon enough - and the only other thing i really look forward to every day - GRIMM while in bed tonight at 9pm !! BRILLIANT - AND LOVE IT !!
OK - I will shut up now - and wil try to make my next blog funnier and more exciting !! ;)
If you made it this far - i am sorry - and please excuse the rant ......
Thanks for listening ...
No comments:
Post a Comment