BEGOTTEN BROODS BOISTEROUS BOXING BANQUETS

omg - Perrrrlease = now that's a CONTEMPLATIVE, GOOD and THOUGHTFUL Title !!!
lmao - Wonder how many people stick with me to the end !! lmao -

OK - so - just to explain WHY i have started this way - I have just had a very short - but VERY THOUGHTFUL conversation - via facebook ( Is it still a conversation - if not in person and via social media ?? - Yeah - I'm sure it is ) But - had a Convo with a friend saying that she hopes my last blog - reaches the people it SHOULD - and that she reads alot of my blogs and finds them informative and interesting - Well - After i told her to go out and get a life (!) I started thinking - It hurt for a little while - NO - JOKE JOKE - IT DIDN'T THIS TIME ! -

Lmao - I thought - well -
What are my real thoughts On Boxing Day ?? - I'm sat here - the Kids and EX have gone out with my family for Boxing Day lunch - over to a nearby pub - and I was going - BUT - when i learnt 'Others' were joining - i decided Not to go - Not because of being a Martyr = or to draw attention - BUT - because i don't want to be a burden - to Storm and then have someone run after me - and take me home, and then have everyone worry - so - I stayed put - Im here - Ive Hovered, cleaned, put presents away, sorted the Steamer ( We had to Steam everything yesterday ( xmas day ) as our oven packed up !!! )  - Had the Cats - DelBoy and Rodney,  think it's Christmas day all over again and DEMANDING more Turkey - it was their FIRST ever Xmas day - and OMG they had almost half a turkey to themselves - and gammon, and bacon and sausages ! - lol - FAT CATS WHO WADDLE  !! and OMG - IVE ACTUALLY SKYPED MY BROTHER In Australia - !!! GO ME !! - Ohhh forgotton what i was saying now - let me read the title - LMAO - THATS MAKES NO BLOODY SENCE !! = OK - Read the first bit !! ...


Mmmmmmmm - OK - When i was younger - Before the kids came along - and before i was married - Boxing Day was about Family and playing Games ( OK Trivial Pursuit ) and Having Fun and well - winding people up - !- or was the just me ??!! I did used to have a good wind up skill set - lmao - even if i do say so myself - as i do believe that being able to wind someone up is a good way to make friends and to Banter with people ( never course, insulting or rude, ) - it makes people laugh - releasing endorphins and this in turn makes them happy and smile - and smiling is one thing i love to make people do !! - So - Bring up an old conversation - or an old memory that happened - and laugh about it - LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE, And helps Boxing Day go without a BANG !!!

Boxing Day has - OBVIOUSLY got it's own Variety of food that is always put on the table - The obligatory Turkey and cold sausages and ( ohhh sorry Dad - Chipolatas from 'the lads' - The Butchers round the corner from our old house - who - by now - instead of being 'lads' MUST be in their 60's ! - BUT do, do the BEST sausages in Herne Bay !! Dad has Always referred to them as 'The Lads' and it has just stuck - !! ) erm Well - basically it's the same as Xmas day - apart from the fact it is cold - EXCEPT the hot mash potato / Carrot and Brussel Sprouts - Then - with this we have Pickles and Pickled Onions / Piccalli and Gerkins  ( Why serve Piccalli - No-one likes the bloody stuff ! ) !! Then we Have Mince Pies and any thing else thats left over !! = LOVELY - this always used to be my favourite meal !! We would have the radio on - Christmas Music Playing - and just chat - Id stick to my cousin Kate like a rash usually - Trying to be like her i guess - Trying to make her and My Uncle Bill laugh - and My Brother would be in the corner - listening to music on his walkman, or in his room watching films - or trying to get my elderly Grandmother to go to the Video shop ( yes yes - we did used to have a video shop back then, where you could go and RENT films for the day ! ) with him - and Rent a dodgy film or two - that he wasnt allowed to rent because he was too young - Bless her - She always would too - and there she was a 85 year old ( ish ) - renting Porn who my brother told was a film about a lovely girl who worked alot to bring home dinner for her kids !! - My Grandmother was so gulliable - or - she wasnt and she knew ;) - Im not sure which !!

Mum and Dad would be doing the lunch - and Nan / Grandad and maybe Mina ( Nans old friend from along the road ) would be in the front room - just chatting and talking to - and about the animals, ( At that time we had 6 Cats - Disrali , Henry, Bertie, Charlie, Daisy and Polly ) and the Dog - a HUGE Long Haired German Shepherd called Sasha = Who hated most people = Hated Bangs - and if anyone - apart from family tried to walk in the house she would pin them up against the wall !! = and look at them - straight in the face - and snarl !! - We obviously thought this was funny - but - being on the receiving end of a dog that big - maybe isn't that funny !! - to us - she was a big baby )

I'll never forget the time Uncle Bill and I were chatting about someone and laughing a joking - and then 'that someone' walked into the room - OMG - that started us off laughing even more - ok ok - yes - we were laughing at them and not with them - and that did get us told off - but - OMG - you always remember the laughing - Then there was the time Mum walked into the kitchen and 'Bertie' the Stub Nosed Fluffy Silver Tabby had his head in the Christmas Pudding = and so - well - what can you do - Fill the Christmas pud with Custard, of course !! = JOB DONE !! - and then serve to everyone !! - No No - Im quite full thanks Mutti - ( mum always wanted my brother and I to call her Mutti !! = from what i remember  - she hated MUM - but from what she remembers - we copied students that we had !!! - mmmmmmm - I think i'm catagorically right !! )

There was ALWAYS a HUGE arguement over lunch with someone and usually - it was about religion - Auntie Gaye and i would always keep quiet - Barney ( My Brother would always put his two pennyworth in and try to make the situation worse - just to add to the drama ) so ok ok - The arguement would usually be between Uncle Bill, Mum and Grandad - lololol - I shouldn't say Arguement - I should say - heated banter !!! - No-one was right or wrong - and in fact - i'm sure Uncle Bill was trying to wind people up - in a nice way - ( There isn't a bad bone in his body ) just to give a few laughs to everyone - Mum and Grandad always take the bait - whoever stared it - and it probably ended up in SOMEONE, shouting - and then we would get out the Trivial Pursuit Board and start the joyus game of that !! Ever Helpful Auntie Gaye would Wash up - ( Without a doubt for some peace and quiet !! ) and I would set up the coffee while Cousin Kate excecuted the authority and took orders !! - Barney would be in charge of the game, at this point between mum, dad, nan, grandad and Mina ( we would join in a second ) !! ...... Mum, Dad, Gaye, Bill, Maybe Kate had by this time - taken to the bottle to true extent - lmao ( Not implying they were alcoholics - but - OMG some wine was drunk on those Christmassy eves  ! ) Mum - had also Just started to think if she should start making The obligatory Turkey and Cranberry Sauce Sandwiches for later - and EVERYONE ( except Dad - Dad LOVES Auntie Gayes Trifle ! - in fact - Dad Loves ANYONES trifle !! )  was worried Auntie Gaye had made a Trifle - ok ok - Not worried about the trifle - But more worried about HOW MUCH SHERRY HAD GONE INTO ITS MAKETH !! ;) !!

OK OK - So - After deciding if we should call the little triangle things Wedges, or Cheeses, or Cakes or Slices ( I always went with Cheese ! ) My favourite and best loved question - REMEMBER - WHILE PLAYING THIS BLINKING GAME WITH MY WHOLE FAMILY spanning many generations - was - " - How many testicles did Adolf Hitler have " - and well, this led to lots of coughing and MOVE ON - MOVE ON - by my grandfather - which in turn would lead someone into singing - " - Hitler - her only had one ball - the other = was in the Albert Hall " = Me - in absolute hysterics because some people around the table were so so uncomfortable = Then we would have a anecdote about it being a myth - and then, if he did only have one - where on earth was the second ? omg - Still laughing about this now - I think we would usually say this was a myth - and he did - in fact have two ! - There is always - half way though usually - that time for when at least three members of the family need to go to the loo - This would usually begin with the person who needed a movement most - saying they ' needed to pop out for a second ' - BUT - datelessly - we would carry on playing = and - ohhhhhhhhh - The person who had 'popped out' - would be the one - WHO COULD ANSWER THE BLOODY QUESTION that was being asked at that particular moment = Well - I would just shout either upstairs to the landing - or through the house to the back - and ask the question - This would always get me berated - Leave them in peace = YEAH - THAT'S OK - CAUSE YOUR WINNING - Id usually get the right answer from the person who was releaving themselves = and by the time they got back - they would exclaim that they had ' now cleared their head' and could carry on playing - well - me with my DISGRACEFUL LAVATORIAL AND FRANKLY FILTHY MIND - could not stop laughing at this point - and would get THE LOOK from mother !!

This is NOT my mother by the way - But she does ' THE LOOK' Brilliantly !

So - ok - Then we would have more to drink - Mutti would bring out the enforced Turkey Sandwiches and we would sit there, eating sandwiches, OBVIOUSLY cut into triangles, with bits falling out, Laughing, and debating over what to watch that evening !! Mmmmmm - Usually be a film if i remember rightly - and omg - the BEST Christmas Film that i can remember seeing - ok ok and TREASURE is NEVERENDING STORY - !! = For me, the Special moment comes about a third into the film - the moment Gmork tells Atreyu the secret of what happens to the Fantasticans who are sucked throught the 'Nothing' into the human world .... ' LIES ' Gmork shouts - I'll never ever forget that !! The NeverEnding Story isnt simply an imaginatory tale for kids - it's a tale of imagination itself - a tale of hopes, and dreams and wishes - It's utterly wonderful - and to this day - i will watch and laugh and cry and be mesmerised by it ... Incontestably MY favourite character is Falcor - the luck dragon - and my favourite part = OBVIOUSLY right at the end when Bastian rides Falcor through the city streets to frighten the bullies who have caused him so much heartache - JUST Scintillating and witty and undoubtedly Ingenious..... All this and the music in the background - Music which - up untill a week ago I hadnt heard for ohhh must be ten years - then - My Auntie Gaye and I were in Dunelm Mill - and OMG the music came on . Sung by Limal = OMG - I remember the lot - OK OK _ Sort of !! - lol and my poor Aunt - I was beside myself - sooo exciting -

Turn around
Look at what you seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
In her face
The mirror of your dreams

Make believe I'm everywhere
Given in the light
Written on the pages
Is the answer to a never ending storrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gf1WT8VEZxk

OK - I wont go on - But - Just Brilliant - and yes - it transported me right back there to sitting on the sofa watching with my parents, brother and whole family - 

Then - Bed - Say your Prayers = Night Night, Love you ...........

CHRISTMAS EXPECTATIONS WITH A PITUITARY BRAIN TUMOUR

Omg - it's happening all over again !
Is it me being Jealous ( I guess if truth be told - yes - a bit of it is - ) BUT :
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE ----
Should I not EXPECT the help and support of FAMILY and friends - but - foremost - FAMILY ????
APPARENTLY NOT
( Please take out my Mother and Father - Who TRY their very best - and my Aunt - Who is there should i or ANYONE IN FACT ever EVER need her ) BUT - Everyone else - well - " - If you need us - we'll be there " .... " We love you unconditionally " ....... " - Just ring .... and if we arnt doing something else - we will help .. if we can " .......... and then when i ring - " - ohhh take a tablet - you'll be OK " - Sorry Ive had a drink - i cant get to you - ! " - AT THAT POINT I TOOK AN OVERDOSE - which no-one ever talks about - Ohhhhhhhhh Just Abby being Abby - ATTENTION SEEKING ...

READ THE FUCKING BLURB ON MY CONDITION - I'M NOT OVER EXAGGERATING - OR DWELLING - OR USING IT TO MY OWN FUCKING ENDS - 

OK - I am just going to mention the DIAGNOSED CONDITIONS THAT I HAVE - 

I have not one - but TWO bloody Pituitary Tumour's - ( Just behind the eyes, A Brain Tumour - That ATM - Tests are being run - and trying to reduce them with meds - Pituitary disorders are considered rare. It is estimated that there are between 50,000 and 70,000 pituitary patients in the United Kingdom, which equates to 0.08% - 0.11% of the population. - Many patients with a pituitary disorder will require life-long drug treatment and monitoring and their condition will, potentially, impact on many if not all aspects of their life.    ) 
AND I also have Diagnosed  ( lol - I haven't diagnosed it - a Professional consultant has !! lmao !! ) =

Organic Personality Disorder ( Due to the pressure in my head - that the Tumours Cause - I can 'Storm' in seconds if 'anything' happens that i cant cope with - Organic personality disorder causes people to exhibit anti-social or harmful behaviours that they are not usually known for exhibiting. The causes centre around damage to the brain that may have been caused by pituitary tumours, In rare cases, thyroid disease may cause an organic personality disorder, Pituitary Organic Duel Personality is different from other types of emotional pain. The fact that this type of patient is very vulnerable, and opens up to an emptiness signifying the dissolution of identity, imbues the reactive anger with an intensity and hardness rarely seen in other kinds of anger, The Pituitary Duel individual, at certain phase's of development, are prone to intense anger, an irrational rage, which may take the form of acute explosions or be chronic and vengeful. This Pituitary rage is provoked by the slightest—real or imagined— insult, such as not being seen, understood, or appreciated, in the way one feels he / she deserves -  It has several characteristics that differentiate it from other kinds of anger and rage: It feels and appears irrational, for it is greatly out of proportion to the situations that provoke it ..... This gives the Pituitary rage the quality of being uncontrollable  ..... This rage tends also to be acted out because, in addition to righteousness and indignation, there is a sense of entitlement ..... The irrationality and uncontrolled quality make the person closed to others’ responses or reasoning ..... He / She is very sensitive, but the rage makes her unaware of this sensitivity ..... This defence and denial of her unusual sensitivity to failures of the object leads to an attitude of blame ..... This blaming and defensive character of Pituitary rage gives it an isolating quality. It makes her insensitive to and unaware of the condition of the other ..... This schizoid quality is reflected in the actual energetic state of Pituitary rage. She feels, and is perceived by others as, hard and impenetrable, almost inhuman ..... There is a meanness in this reaction, a desire to inflict pain, to get back, to avenge oneself for being slighted and humiliated ...) 
I am also Diagnosed with Hypothyroidism ( This is when the thyroid produces less thyroid hormone than it should which causes the metabolism to run too slow.  This is called hypothyroidism, myxoedema or an underactive thyroid.There are many signs and symptoms of an underactive thyroid the main ones being:

• Weight gain

• Slow movements, thought and speech

• Pins and needles

• Breathlessness

• Dizziness

• Palpitations

• Loss of libido

• Dry/gritty eyes

• Hoarse voice

• Difficulty swallowing

• Hair loss especially outer third of eyebrows

• Dry skin

• Muscle and joint pain

• Carpal tunnel syndrome

• Loss of appetite

• Constipation

I am treated - for life - with high doses of Levothyroxine ) 
OK - so - They are my actual DIAGNOSED ILLNESSES ...... Some of my FAMILY see fit to IGNORE this - and believe the problem will go away - or Abby is just being Abby !! ........................................ 

OK - THIS IS NOT THE CASE This - is NOT going to go away ................ - Generally - when ANYBODY See's me - I am ME ...... Happy, Fun, Chatty, Funny, Daft, Bubbly, and a Lover of Coffee !! - lol - But - I am Positive and motivational - AND NO - MY ILLNESSES DON'T WORRY ME !! I HAVE EMBRACED AND CHOSEN TO BLOODY FIGHT THEM ...... but - What i cant cope with - is people PRETENDING there is nothing wrong with me - or Trying to Motivate me - Jee me up - Tell me I'm looking fabulous and thus must feel fine - Tell me to go and see the doctor - OMG The list is endless - I PROMISE you - I am doing everything in my power ...... 

IF i say I cant go out - or i don't want to do something - IT'S BLOODY BECAUSE I KNOW - THAT IF I DO - I WILL FLIP ....... I KNOW THE CAUSES AND THE OUTCOMES and it is far far far easier for me to be at home - all alone - than be with family or friends or ANYONE - if there is going to be more than one or two - as i try to listen to EVERYONE - and then that starts my head whirring, that then makes me angry - then the people lack of knowledge that this is all going on makes me even angrier, then someone says something i SHOULD but i don't understand - I say i don't understand - and they try to explain - BUT - this just makes me switch off - then i get upset that my head shuts down - and THEN I GET ANGRY = and I'm not talking Just a little upset - I'm TALKING FULL ON HULK MODE - GET OUT OF MY WAY I'M GONNA THROW YOU DOWN THE STAIRS AND THEN BODY SLAM YOU AT THE BOTTOM - all 20 stone of me ...... Yeah - OK - I make it into a joke - as its the ONLY FUCKING WAY I CAN COPE - BUT - i lose control - to the degree - that i cant be left with my own children anymore = My EX is now my EX - and members of my own family would prefer to spend their Christmas with FRIENDS and children of friends - than their own flesh and blood - Ive not even been contacted about anything - I'm just left out .......... But - then being fair - i forget everything that's said to me - or just say no - because if more than two people are there it will make me Go Mad...... - 
So - OK - This Christmas - My Kids My Mum and Dad and The EX - is going to be at our house ( parents cooking the Turkey and meat and potatoes as our cooker has blown up ) AND I'M PETRIFIED that music will be put on - as - even sitting here on my own - the noise of me on the computer keyboard is too much - I LOVE MUSIC - but cant listen to it - as concentration takes too much and gives my head a jolt and i get headaches and pressure in my head - that then winds me up - and i cry - then get angry at crying - and then i tale myself away from everyone in case i flip - so - theres me on my own - AGAIN !! ......
OK - so - leave the music off - and i get upset that I'm ruining it all for everyone - BUT - i get over that - next thing - MESS - omg - i cant stand mess - and everything has to be in it's place - but OK - a big bag - and it should be fine - Next thing - more than one person talking at one time - I TRY TO LISTEN TO EVERYONE - as i don't want to be rude - BUT i cant - as then my head actually stops - I then get massive pressure - and tears start to roll - THEN i take myself away to my room - as an anger storm is very close ........ BUT - certain members of my FAMILY wont know this - as they DON'T AND WONT READ ANYTHING about my fucking condition - and as soon as i leave or blow - it's a case if - Ohhh she is attention seeking - or not getting her own way ..... - so - to combat this - they ignore me .......

In fact - the thing i am doing is TRYING TO TAKE MYSELF AWAY SO I DON'T RUIN IT ALL - i don't want to be centre of attention - AT ALL - I want to join in - yes - BUT - not to that extent !! - I just want to be included - BUT - IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAT PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO FAMILY - ARE INCLUDED IN A FAMILY WHERE I AM SHUT OUT ......... ( exclusions here again please ) - now to me - THAT'S NOT RIGHT ........ I'm VERY VERY sorry that these people don't have their own families - and yes - EVERYONE DESERVES SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY - But - I have this sort of big family - and well - lol - I'm sat here on my own typing this !!!!!! 
Now - i know alot of this contradicts itself - I want attention / but i don't want attention - i want help - but i don't want help - but - look at the actual thing I'm saying - I'm saying NO / DON'T - because it will DISRUPT YOU - NOT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO ....... All i ever want to do is go out - and if it is just one on one - or two people and me - then that's fine - but - anymore and it's a given - I WILL FLIP - and people stare and they worry and I get asked if i want an ambulance - I cant walk, or talk or move my head - EVERYTHING STOPS - Ohhhhhhhhhh - Abby attention seeking ......... NO IT FUCKING ISN'T - IT'S ABBY BEING CLINICALLY AND DIAGNOSED LY ( is that even a word !! ) ILL !! It's not something i asked for - and not anything i would ever wish on my mortal enemy - ohhhhh now - Do i have a mortal enemy = I don't actually think i do !!! so - OK - I wouldn't even wish it on Stephen Mofatt who wrote David Tennant out as the tenth doctor - NO - too bad even for that ........ AND THAT SAYS SOMETHING !!! 
So - Today is Christmas Eve - I had my Hair cut - and then i dyed it - The kids and EX went out about 11am to his mums - to pick her up - and then to visit his sister - and then to his other sister for Dinner - a Xmas Party tonight - Now - don't get me wrong - I couldn't go as they wind me right up - They don't talk to me - or if they do - it's all superficial - and they think I'm making it all up - I guess to trap the EX - So - I don't blame them - but - too many people = So - I'm here on my own - Till later tonight - will they have eaten dinner - WHO KNOWS - i cant use the cooker - because i forget - and i forgot to get a ready meal at asda - mainly because i was ordering 900 tea bags ( and i hate tea ) and 10000's of Mince Pies !! - GOD KNOWS !!! = So - Sandwich - BUT - i don't want to use the stuff i have bought - as its for Christmas - and IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS YET !! = So - I'll have Toast !! No-Bodies fault - that's just the way it is - 

Tomorrow Xmas Day - Present opening - That's OK - But - I know - because the EX isn't fussed on watching the kids open presents - I will be starting to get angry - AND I KNOW  - If you KNOW it's going to happen - Just DON'T ! = ohhhhh - if ONLY it was as easy as that !! I KNOW it's going to happen - and thing is - I CANT STOP IT - it's a trigger ... Anyway - wait for EX - Have coffee - watch kids open pressies - THAT should hopefully be fun - EX to start dinner - I'll clean up - Then parents round - CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm !!! Watch kids opening pressies from Mum and Dad and listen to them saying HOW MANY PRESSIES THE KIDS HAVE GOT ....... over and over !!! - Not their fault - but - we have spent less this year on both kids - and lots less than the going average - and yet - i still feel we are being told it's too much - and an orange would do - ........ So - Stress levels - UP UP AND AWAY !! ...... Calmmmmmmm !!
OK - If I make it to dinner - it should go fine - and everyone will enjoy it - Then washing up - I will insist on doing it - as i should - as it's my house - and everyone else has done the dinner - and i should and WANT to do my fair share = sometimes this is OK - and sometimes - OMG this puts me in HUGE and unbearable pain - Head down - arms moving - and this starts pressure in my head - i cant talk - or move and my head shuts down, giddy - Need to sit - crying - no reason - that's when i need a quiet dark room - NO STIMULATION - then i can calm down - and get the head working again - Mum and dad will then go - I will come downstairs and watch a bit of TV and all be OK - THAT'S A GOOD DAY !!!
Boxing Day - It has now been brought to my attention that a few people are going that are NOT family = - So - ONLY BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO APPEAR RUDE OR OBNOXIOUS OR ARROGANT OR A FUCKING LUNATIC = i have said i will now NOT be going - ( my mum had arranged for her and the kids to sit with them on the Big person table - and myself and the EX would sit together on a two seated table - so i could just concentrate on one person ) - BUT - Because i KNOW other people are there that DON'T know me - i am now - OVERLY ANXIOUS AND WELL - MY HEAD IS ACTUALLY DOING A SPIN just typing this - I Cant go - If it was JUST Family - I would have no hesitation that if i 'Stormed' well - they could just get on with it - and i would go sit in the car - again - BUT - now there are others in the mix - and to have me sat there head in hands in floods of tears because the pressure in my head is too much - usually due to music - and OK - over thinking = then - it's going to make it difficult - and i don't want to embarrass anyone of my family - esp in front of their friends - So - Ive told the EX to take the Kids to mums for the Lunch - and then - ohhhhh THEN - the EX needs time out - so HE is going off out on a night out -

( He has three nights a week away from ME, and he pub's it - ) BUT he needs extra over Christmas - 
( I GET NOTHING - If im out - im with mum, Aunt or the EX ) I DONT get 'me' time - ( Although this year I have been out a few times with friends - during the day - and four times with a chap i have met - THATS IT - NEVER AT NIGHT - If i go out at Night - i get - Ohhhh Your OK to go out are you - Well - Cant you get a job then  ....... ) 
- so - My Parents are having the kids overnight on Boxing Day - so - I Will be here from about 12 Lunchtime - till 11;30am the next day - MERRY FUCKING BOXING DAY TO ONE AND ALL ..... OK OK =- that's not nice and not fair - It ISN'T ANYONE'S FAULT that I'm ill - and yes - everyone needs time out and time away from me  ( I am TOTALLY AWARE i am a living nightmare to be with ) - and he needs to have a good time - BUT FUCK ME - I DO NOTHING !! -

 Again - not proportioning blame to anyone - even though it sounds as if i am - BUT - id LOVE to go out - and even just go for coffee - SOMETHING - But - I have to think - Is it going to be too busy / - yes - don't go = The i have people say - Ohhhhh You'll be OK - and i will PUSH myself - do it - get home - and OMFG THEN THAT'S THE BIGGEST FLIP OF ALL TIME - That's a 17 Diazepam Job that is - then its anger and pain and frustration and pressure and everything all rolled into one - BUT - Because i have MADE myself do it- and the person has seen this - then - OHHHHHHHH CURED - It's all in your head - Just fight it - and it's going to be fine - THEY DON'T SEE THE AFTER MATH - OR ME FLIPPING AT MY KIDS OR THE EX - Or trying to knife my wrists or trying to get the car keys off the ex - 
Please please please - although - YES IT IS ALL IN MY HEAD - It is NOT and it has NEVER been a Mental Illness = It's because i have bloody Tumours pressing on parts other things cannot reach !!!!!! 
I will fight this - and if i am ME - I am happy - I'm pleased that i do my photos and my Blogs and my video channel for youtube and my pinterest boards, and the people that do Understand me - Friends with the same thing - who are going through the very same stuff - they are my saviour - and thank god we are all as nutty as each other 
= BUT = PLEASE don't for a minute think that if i say NO - I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT 
- I ACTUALLY MEAN NO - I CANT DO THAT 
- I'D BLOODY LOVE TO - BUT I CANT 

.............. Even if there was a slight possibility that i could - ID TRY = If it wont upset or embarrass or annoy anyone - 

I ALWAYS TRY - 

It's Christmas Time - Jingle his Bells and Batman smells ....

All right stop, 

Collaborate and listen
Ab's is back needing some Attention - Something grabs a hold of her tightlyFlow like a harpoon, daily and nightlyWill it ever stop? Yo, I don't knowTurn off the lights and I'll glowTo the extreme I rock a mic like a vandalLight up a tree and wax a chump like a candle. Dance - 

ok = I wont Dance - as i may well flip atm - But - 

How could i not start with a rap and a Christmassy Picture of Sexy meeee !!!! 

It did just come into my head - the rap i mean !! !!

Well just 36 hours - ish - to go !! The last few Blogs that i have been doing have been illness based - so - i thought id make this one a bit more light hearted and TRY to go with the flow - and SET MYSELF UP FOR A GOOD CHRISTMAS - Because = As many of you know - IT'S SHIT ATM !! ( omg that rhymed !! ) SO This is MY favourite Christmas Poem EVER - i think it's cute and i do love a good rhyme !!                                            

 Puppies’ Christmas 

It’s the day before Christmas And all through the house The puppies are squeaking An old rubber mouse. The wreath which had merrily Hung on the door Is scattered in pieces All over the floor. The stockings that hung In a neat little row Now boast a hole in Each one of the toes. The tree was subjected To bright-eyed whims, And now, although splendid, It’s missing some limbs. I catch them and hold them. “Be good”, I insist. They lick me, then run off To see what they’ve missed. And now as I watch them The thought comes to me, That their’s is the spirit That Christmas should be. Should children and puppies Yet show us the way, And teach us the joy That should come with this day? Could they bring the message That’s written above, And tell us that, most of all Christmas is love. 

OK - SO THAT SET A NICE WARM COSY SCENE !! 

 This Christmas My two boys Del and Rodney will be experiencing their first ever Christmas - and ohhh they are already loving the Tree and the Baubles and Tinsel !! = So i definitely think a good day will be had by them !! Ohh for those that don't know - Del and Rodney are my two 8 month old - Cats now - I got them when they were just 5 weeks old = from the RSPCA = and they have without a doubt been the best thing that has happened this year = Del is the Tabby and Rodney the Silver Grey - Arnt they Beautiful - and soooo Happy / playful / friendly - and - as you can imagine in our household - We don't go in for all this namby pamby business and quietly call them in for dinner etc - I had a great friend of mine in hysterics when she asked to see Del - and instead of the usual response by most people of ' puss puss pussy ' - AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE - out the back door - I SCREAMED ' DEREKKKKKKKK ' and she was in complete awe when from about three gardens away you could hear him scrambling over the fences and came rushing to me - purrrr purrrr purrrr ing SOOOOOOOO DARN CUTE !! Anyways - they are gonna love some Turkey this year = and ohhh yes = They most definitely will be helping us to scoff ourselves - no fluffy will go without in my house !!

Well - this year - because i am NOT GOOD WHAT SO EVER with lots of people - because i have to listen to every conversation - and know EXACTLY what everyone is saying - It's going to be just The kids My Mum and Dad and Alan ( The EX ) with us for Christmas Day - and already - Mum has decided ( and OK - she does do it beautifully - !! ) that THEY are doing ALL the meat !!! I am IC of Vegetables ( I was aware of the resembling factors - Get Abby on Vegetables - HURTFUL i thought - But - OK - Alan will do them - as i forget - so ALL GOOD !! ) and i purchased an ASDA SMART PRICE CHRISTMAS PUDDING at 98p - x 2 = and as they didn't have it in stock - They upgraded me to an EXTRA SPECIAL LEITH PUD THAT WAS £10.99 - But - I still got it for under £2 - B.A.R.G.I.N !!! I do love a decent substitute !! But - thing is - with my ASDA shop i also got 900 Tea Bags - AND I HATE - No - hate is not the right word - DESPISE tea drinkers - as i find - and have always found - that they are wishy washy and have no substance - a COFFEE drinker is one to be trusted - anyways - Because i was not too good this morning - and the kids took in the ASDA order - we now have the 900 Tea bags ( ewwwwwwwww ) AND 148 Mince Pies, 20lbs of Potatoes, 6 200mg of Kenco GOLD Coffee ( a Superior coffee so this is absolutely fine EXCEPT THE PRICE !! But hey ho - ( Ho Ho Ho ! - sorry couldn't resist !  ) IT'S CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS As Noddy Holder would say ! 

Ohhh now that just stopped me - and i was just thinking of what my Favourite Christmas song was / is - and - I thought it was The Pogues - BUT - Mmmmm - Now I'm not sure - I do love The Wombles - Ohh maybe i should have said that Noddy Holder one, 

BUT ALAS - NOOOOOOOOO - I really think my Fave one is :

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cryYou'd better not pout, I'm telling you whySanta Claus is coming to townSanta Claus is coming to townSanta Claus is coming to town Bruce Springsteen's - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town He has a fab deep husky voice - and the Lyrics are just brilliant - and KIDS LOVE IT !! - OK - Many Many have said it's a bit pervy - what with an old bloke coming down the Chimney - BUT = STOP - STOP - IT'SSSSSSSS CHRISTMAS - Ohh Shit - Back to Noddy again !

OK = Christmas Presents - I have done all my shopping - and in fact - started in January last year - YEAH YEAH - I'm serious !! - So - The EX and I have just had the Kids to get - and OMG - that's been a task on it's own - as Cassia ( the 9 year old ) wanted a drum set - BUT - she does already have her Xbox Drums - and - music sets my head off - so - that wasn't a good idea - BUT - The EX and I went out for a day - and got a whole bunch of stuff - and we both think the kids are gonna have a blast = They did BOTH get Letters from Santa - and Santa even put at the bottom - Give Rodney and Derek a hug ( on Cassia's letter ) and Stop telling your sister i don't exist please Tom as YOU get your presents from somewhere don't you ( On Tom's ! ) So - Mmmmm - Not sure if they believe - but They say that they do - because MUM DOES and they don't want to upset me !! = SO ALL GOOD ! = and yes - I MOST DEFINITELY DO BELIEVE IN THE BIG MAN HIMSELF ohhh and OK - The BEST thing that i could get for Christmas this year ( I'm VERY sad - Brace yourself ) a David Tennant Calender !! = 

AND YES - I HAVE GOT IT - Because i told the EX if HE didn't order it- i would Because it would spoil my entire Xmas if i didn't get it - PMSL - SPOILT BRAT I KNOW !!! = But - Bless him = He ordered it there and then - So - Any Lady that is gonna catch him - They are Lucky - Cause - He does try his hardest = and he is a good bloke - WE just are NOT compatible !!  OK - So - what im thinking of now is my Favourite Picture that i have been posting recently for Christmas - I will post it below - and i think you will agree - IT'S WONDERFUL !!!

AND THIS HAS TO BE SAID - 

AN ANIMAL IS FOR LIFE NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS

OMG - Now im off - 

My Favourite FILM - IT HAS TO BE ' ELF ' 

MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE QUOTES FROM ELF :

Buddy: SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksXmePHX1ZA

Buddy: Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...

Buddy: It's just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.

Buddy: This place reminds me of Santa's Workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.

Leon the Snowman: Why the long face, Buddy?Buddy: It seems I'm not an elf.Leon the Snowman: Of course you're not an elf. You're six-foot-three and had a beard since you were fifteen.

[Being beaten up by a dwarf he thinks is an elf]Buddy: He's an *angry* elf!

Miles Finch: [Buddy has just innocently called Miles an 'elf' because of his stature, and Miles is clearly very offended, and daring him] Call me an elf.Buddy: You're an elf![Miles attacks Buddy]Buddy: [after getting beat up by Miles Finch] He must be a South Pole elf.

BEST FILM FOR CHRISTMAS EVER - SOOOOO FUNNY - AND CAN YOU BELIEVE IT WAS MADE IN 2003 ! - That mad - but = NOPE = doesnt make me feel old - actually nothing really makes me feel old - ESPECIALLY at Christmas time !!!

Mmmmm - OK = So - I think thats my Christmassy Blog done - Ohhhhhhhh - I did used to have a WONDERFUL FAT Christmas Fairy That used to sit on the Top of the Tree - BUT - it's got mislaid - Soo upsetting - she was like a Cabbage Patch Fairy - and i just loved her - i tried to get another but cant find one any where - Mum has Bought me this Wonderful Standing Fairy - and she is out all the time as she is too cute to put away - and YES IT IS TRUE - ONE YEAR WE HAD UP ALL OUR CHRISTMAS DECCIES AND TREE AND LIGHTS FOR THE WHOLE YEAR as i couldnt bear to take them down - Mmm - and yes - It was before the kids came along !!! lmao - Ohhhhhh Maybe it is bad luck as everything shit since then ! - lmao !! ANYWAY - THATS IT FOR NOW - IM ALL WRITTEN OUT !!!MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE - HAVE A FAB ONE AND AN EVEN BETTER 2016 !!

AT LEAST IT IS NOT CANCER - YOUR LUCKY -------- ERM - NO - REALLY NOT

I know this may seem a really Harsh Title - But after the week i have had - and now three different situations that i have found myself in - I feel I have to Blog !!Ohhhhhhh god - It could be a long MOANING one - Take a seat - get Comfy - and i will begin !! 

It all started ............................. Ohhh that sounds like the original quote from Walt Disney about it all starting with a mouse? Was it, "It was all started by a mouse" or "It all started with a mouse" or a combination of the two or what? - Anyway - This was NOT started by a Mouse - This was started by a news report that someone from ohhhh i think it was Hollyoaks, had had his photo taken and within one year the guy was dead from a Brain Tumour - and everyone around was going on that this guy was gorgeous and he went down hill so so quickly and how terrible it was and how he didn't have time to do things - OK - OK - the guy died - yes - that's tragic - and he was so young etc etc - BUT - he wasn't in pain - he went downhill very quickly and just passed away ( OK - I say JUST - I KNOW it's a terrible terrible thing to happen - I KNOW THAT .... )

The second 'thing' was Someone I see every once in a while - left a comment on one of my social media sites, that i was looking far far better and i must be OK now - and isn't that wonderful - Praise be to the lord .... Then underneath - someone asked what the matter was as i always had looked fabulous ( i thank you * takes a bow ! * in my photos !! ) - and the original commentator said i had Diagnosed Severe Depression !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - SEVERE DEPRESSION - OMG IF ONLY I HAD JUST THAT !! - I post SO SO MANY THINGS about my illness - and to have someone say i had SEVERE DEPRESSION - is honestly like a kick in the fucking teeth - ( Now - ONCE  AGAIN - THIS IS NOT BELITTLING SEVERE DEPRESSION AT ALL - i totally understand - BELIEVE ME - I DO TOTALLY UNDERSTAND - that depression is a killer ..... in every sense of the word - BUT = NO - I DO NOT SUFFER FROM SEVERE DEPRESSION !!!!!! AT ALL !! = 

People who know ME = Know i am very upbeat and positive and motivational and Happy - The key word is HAPPY !! - I AM A HAPPY PERSON !! = 
I do NOT believe Depression is not real. It is NOT something that exists in people’s minds. It can not be seen or touched or identified by sight or spirit in the real word.
Psychiatrists, identify endless causes for depression, and for each cause there is an unnecessarily complex solution. My contention is that there is but a few true causes, but i seriously believe that it is caused by a Hormonal imbalance - 

A typical Thought of someone who has never been depressed is that it IS always in the persons own head - IE - I just feel sad. My career isn’t going well. My kids don’t talk to me. I hate my job. I hate my life. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I don’t have many friends. People don’t like me …  are the sort of typical comments that i believe are heard from depressed people - BECAUSE DEPRESSED PEOPLE ALWAYS CONCENTRATE ON THE NEGATIVE - BUT - because I AM NOT DEPRESSED - i totally understand that when i 'switch' IT IS BECAUSE OF A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE - AND NOT BECAUSE I AM FAT OR UGLY OR HATED OR BORING - Because - OK - I may well be fat - BUT - I'm not worried about that - It's everyone else that is - I'm HAPPY WITH ME - BECAUSE I AM A LOVELY PERSON !! I know that i am gorgeous and friendly and not hated !!! So - Mmmm - No other explanation for it - IT'S BLOODY CHEMICAL !! 

Nowhere in there is there a mention of other people. It’s all about you. - LMAO - This is what has been said to me by a GP ( a General Practitioner - who has No Speciality in ANYTHING apart from Stupidity i think ! ) Ive even been told to try Yoga !! - At this point i did have to be restrained as i nearly headbutted the GP ( Joke - Joke !! ) 
I know that as humans we get in a state of sadness over very real psychological issues and we think about them endlessly, feeding them and making them worse than they ever needed to be. This creates emotions and chemical reactions in the body that doctors diagnose as ‘depression’. Yes - this is true - 
Doctors see depression as a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes negative thoughts. There are chemical imbalances, yes, but ARE they caused by negative thoughts? Mine are not -  I'm NOT negative - Until i have a surge or hormone !! . Doctors prescribe you medication to correct the chemical imbalances, thinking it will therefore correct your thoughts.  They tell us that what we actually need is to correct is our thoughts, and you will in turn correct your chemical imbalances. Think positive and you will feel positive. That works - But - You can NOT think positive and this will in turn correct the Hormone Surge - ONLY MEDICATION does that ......... Doctors need FAR FAR more training in OTHER reasons why people can be depressed .....

and omg - I've done it again - gone off on a Tangent !! - I was talking about The Title hey !! = lol = NOT DEPRESSION - 
OK - so the Third thing that happened is that a friend of mine - today - posted on Facebook - this very title - and a blog someone had done about being 'forgotton' and 'ignored' because they did not have an illness that was easily perceptible - For example Cancer - You say to some you have Cancer and immediately they think the worse - You MUST be in immense pain and your hair will drop out and it's a death sentence = THIS IS NOT THE CASE ANYMORE - 
The word ‘cancer’ covers around 200 different types of disease, which makes it highly unlikely there will ever be a magic bullet cure for them all. But It’s far more likely that advances in treatment will result in more cancers becoming ‘manageable’ chronic diseases. People will live with their cancer, AND maintain a good quality of life.

Research has led to significant improvements in both detecting and treating cancer. In particular, there have been big gains in early detection. Early detection through programs such as Breastscreen, the cervical cancer screening program and more recently the National Bowel Cancer Screening Program have resulted in tens of thousands of cancers being picked up early and treated successfully, before they grow or spread and become more difficult to treat.
New technologies are also allowing more targeted treatments that are highly effective, killing cancer cells without harming other tissue and resulting in fewer side-effects. Therapies which target genetic changes that cause cancer to grow are promising advances.

Personally i have had my Mother suffer with Cancer - and my Uncle has had it - They are BOTH fine after treatment - my mother in remission for almost twenty years now - and my uncle a few years on - is never thought of to be his three score years and ten - He is truly amazing - and - i have to say it - but shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't say a word - My mother DOES DEFINITELY NOT LOOK HER AGE = but at least twenty years YOUNGER, and you have never met someone more active and YOUNG  !!! - 

Whats my point i hear you cry - Well - OK - I have been diagnosed with a Pituitary Brain Tumour - two in fact = and an enlarged Pituitary Gland, ORGANIC Duel Personality Disorder ( due to Tumour ) Hypothyroidism, PCOS and PTSD - BUT - These are all rare - and because they are rare - NO-ONE KNOWS WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH !!!!! - lmao - OK OK - Many of you are thinking oohhhhhhhh OFF SHE GOES AGAIN !! - SELF PITY !! - But - No - Not at all - If YOU have a broken leg - How would you feel if someone says - OHHH YOU CAN PLAY RUGBY or - YOU CAN COME HIKING WITH ME AT THE WEEKEND ! - and you have to say no !!!! BECAUSE YOUR PUTTING IT ON !! But - your NOT - you have the evidence in front of you - Your leg is in cast - BUT - My illness - like many many others is INVISIBLE !! so - it looks like your just not helping yourself - and your bored - or unmotivated or not positive - GOING ON AND ON AND ON = lmao - OK OK _ i know i do go on - BUT I HAVE TO GET HEARD - !!

If i can go out - I BLOODY WELL WILL !!! - I don't want to be 'escourted' = lol - i want to be independent - BUT - because i am so erratic - I need someone there as security for Myself - and for others - If someone says something to me and I react - I DON'T AND WONT STOP - and i need my safe guard there - so That's why i go out with either my Mother or the EX HUSBAND, or my Aunt = BUT - Not only that - They also have to put up with people coming up to me when i am stood there - Tears flooding down my face - Unbearable pain just behind my eyes - unable to look left to right - everything blurry, unable to talk - looking and sounding drunk - and they have to deal - as i am totally unable to do or say anything until it passes - then - I AM FINE AGAIN - and so - OK - you have just witnessed that - and then - I'm all set for more shopping - I'm fine - and can switch from one mood to another - instantly - BUT - the non-ill person can't and they are left exhausted and worried and frustrated ....... 
But - all i get is - " OHHHHHH YOUR LOOKING BETTER " - OR " - YOU MUST PUSH YOURSELF "- OR - " JUST SMILE AND THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS THEN IT WILL BE OK "  " Why don't you go to the doctor " - FFS - That lot does not get rid of the facts that

I AM IN INTENSE PAIN
I AM LOOSING MY EYESIGHT - If I'm storming it is all fuzzy - but also my peripheral vision goes = and then comes back !!
I PUT ON WEIGHT EVEN WHEN I HAVE A FABULOUS DIET
I HAVE SUICIDAL FEELINGS DAILY ( This year i have Overdosed and cut my wrists - Not something to be proud of - BUT Doing this because your NOT in control = THAT'S NOT A GOOD PLACE TO BE ) - i get suicidal - even tho i don't want to kill myself - i still THINK i do 
I GO GIDDY, LOSE SPEECH, HEADACHES WHEN DOING ANY SORT OF ACTIVITY - FROM EATING TO HOVERING TO WALKING then i will be fine and can whizz about at 1000 miles an hour 
I AM CONSTANTLY TIRED - Then when i get upstairs i am wide awake 
I AM HORRIBLE TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE THE MOST - and i don't mean just nasty - I MEAN THE WORST THINGS EVER - INC THROWING THINGS AND VERBAL ABUSE - But i am NOT in control - I have complete inability to stop anything i say or do ... and it is random - there is no rhyme or reason to anything 

OHHHHHH - BTW - I AM ALWAYS AT THE BLOODY DOCTORS !!
This is just a few things - OHHH I COULD GO ON !! - But i wont !!! Ohhh But - I SO COULD !!


Now - In relation to Cancer - There suffering does not continue - I am so so sorry to say it - BUT - even with Chemo and Radio etc and the awful awful things they go through - There is an end in sight - either - OK - to put it bluntly - Death - or - occasional visits to their GP / Consultant - to make sure they are kept in remission - and OK - they have it hanging over them - but - they are pain free - Tablets they can take etc - I'd rather have that, than what i have - At least with Cancer - People KINDA understand - and are willing to help = With an invisible illness - YOU GET IGNORED AND LEFT - BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR DO I GUESS - 
I AM REALLY REALLY VERY SORRY IF I HAVE UPSET ANYONE OR OFFENDED - 
I HAVE NOT MEANT TOO
BUT - THESE ARE JUST MY VIEWS - AND NOT THE VIEWS OF ANYONE ELSE 
FEEL FREE TO COMMENT - 



BACK WITH A HAPPIER BLOG SOON I HOPE !!

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