OHH YOU DON'T LOOK ILL !!! INVISIBLE ILLNESS REALITY

Regardless of the illness you may individually have, it likely has many names, from Chronic, degenerative, disabling, terminal, auto-immune, neurological, benign, mental ... and invisible.

When I say I have a “chronic illness,” I am specifying the length of time this illness is likely going to stick around.

But when I say I have an “invisible illness” i am describing a condition that is hidden to those who are around us. Which shouldn’t really matter. It shouldn’t really matter whether people can see my bloating, or my stubborn confused cells, or my digestive issues, or chemical imbalances, the infections, Low Blood Pressure, The Hypothyroidism, PTSD, Anxiety .... The list is endless

Because it’s still there even if it can’t be seen.

But for some reason — it does matter.

If it is affecting, you - me - ANYONE  - IT DOES MATTER !

The biggest adaptation I have had to make is:  forgetting who and what i was before this blinkin illness struck, the person I was before.  Hard Working - Social - Friendly - Outgoing - Competative -
Learning my identity again Has been a struggle.  OK - a struggle that im not really yet finished with - I will always FIGHT !! I want to be who i was - OK - may NOT be possible - But - I can try !!

I now have to Micromanage every day with what needs to be done, and i do as much the night before - in OCD style fashion - Just in case the day after - I am unable to get out of bed - My energy level = Zilch , The severity of my symptoms during the day, with medication and without, timing of when i take individual meds - from, Thyroid tablets - without which i would go into a waking coma - Blood pressure tablets, Seritonin Substitute Tablets, headache tablets, Tablets to relieve pressure in my head and then to Diazepam, a Grade 4 - CONTROLLED drug = Im taking this as a  neurotransmitter that moderates the activity of nerve signals in the brain. It does work - It calms my brain totally - It is intended for short-term use. I have been on it for nearly two years - They say short term - Because it may be habit-forming, it's not recommended that people take it for longer than four months. lol, I can take it for a few days and then am fine for a week - maybe two - and not need it at all - then - my symptoms start all over again ! And my reality  - should i take one - two / ten / eleven ?? More ?? , and lots of preplanning, I OFTEN have dinner ready by 7am after i have showered and sorted the animals and gotton dressed - because - by 8am - I might be asleep - or crying uncontrollably or trying desperately to overdose on Paracetamol, Codene, and Ibruprofen .... .

Most people assume:  A smile & positive outlook mean everything is okay.  It does'nt - It just means it is the lesser of two evils - Give in - or smile - and GIVE IN IS ONE THING THAT IS NOT IN MY VOCABULARY !!
“Coming to terms” with a life-altering diagnosis is not an acceptance conclusion either … but a daily coping struggle.

The hardest part about my mornings are:  Can i actually get up ? - But first - Tablets - Take tablets - kept beside my bed - and with EVERY EFFORT- GET UP - and get to the loo !! - Always wondering/waiting to see what kind of day it will be & waiting for medication to kick in, waiting to see what happens once i have had the endurance of showering / getting dressed - will i have to medicate again - or Will i make it downstairs - to get kids breakfast ready, and animals fed / let out ??

Regarding alternative treatments - I can't exercise due to extreme pain - or just that my brain shuts down, literally - i will walk up a flight of stairs - when i get to the top, i have to hold on as i am giddy - i can't breathe - ( NOT due to weight ) and i even lose speech - I can't think or remember or converse - it may take 1 to 30 minutes to 'sort my head out' = Should a VERY Short walk upstairs do that to someone ??
- Keep warm - I can't take a hot bath cause the water does not cover me - I can't wear lots of clothes because i am fat enough already and wearing more stops me moving even more - so I GO TO BED, the only way to keep warm !! -
The ONLY thing i can do relatively simply - is to STAY AT HOME - I enjoy peaceful home surroundings —  Computer, making videos, writing blogs, scented candles, solitude, art, animals .. and I HATE BEING ALONE - No noise or light to set me off ... BUT I SO LOVE TO SING - But - Very often can't as music - i have to concentrate to listen to = and concentration makes my head shut down ...

If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:  Visible.  Though greatly misunderstood with “presumed normalcy”, I am different - and i embrace that - wholeheartedly - and in fact - it has made me into the person i am today - I am totally fed up of people thinking everything is fine - and i put on all my symptoms , often so they can avoid not-in-the-mood explanations of how i am feeling really - as i always just say whats happening - i have no worries there - im not shy !  Then there is the social discomfort directed toward me, which really just winds me up ! People should just say what they think - it makes life so much easier !!

Regarding working and career:  Before I became ill - i worked from the age 11 - ( I used to come home from school - do homework - and go straight round to the local veterinary centre - where i would do everything from Cleaning / to animal care / to developing x-rays / steralise instruments / Man reception to administer anaesthetic / helping with operations, Then Nannying to the Veterinarians 4 small children - I then became a Motorcycle Instructor - Worked in a Hospital, Nothing would get in my way, I LOVED to work - hahahahah - Then it did - it got in my bloody way !! ....
Making a life with physical limitations, and HUGE Hormone problems & challenges is work. Enjoying life is a career.


People would be surprised to know:  Even though I have had this illness for at least 9 years - Ever changing illness i should add -  coping does not get easier with time.  Life remains tough; I still grieve for the life i have lost - and the things i wanted to do ( Simple things like take the kids walking in the woods - or take them horse riding as i used to do as a kid - and LOVED - I cannot do any of that - LMAO - CAN YOU IMAGINE THE SIZE OF HORSE ID NEED ! and I can't take them as i now have no car - THATS been taken from me due to being very aggressive and then anxious within the space of seconds  )  & alone, I cry. = Sometimes...

The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:  the impact on those I love, Because - Take it from me - when i explode in a rage - I EXPLODE - and telling your thirteen year old son that you hate the f**** sight of him - and he has to leave and watching tears well in his eyes is THE WORST FEELING EVER, and then have him come back at you - saying that i do actually mean it - and if i didnt mean it - i would stop - WHY CAN'T I STOP - WHY WHY WHY WHY  - and then he is trying to have the last word - because he is 13 - WHICH I NEED TO HAVE, I need to have my say. - this then turns me aggressive and almost - ALMOST violent - so far i have been able to control to violence - apart from throwing things - but - one day - i even scare myself...
Then knowing there isn’t a cure, & the grim reality of possible future progression.  Treatment & coping are daily and for life. Also - The constant reminder that people think - IT CAN BE OVER COME - JUST BE STRONG =  MIND OVER MATTER !! = Thats tough...

My illness has taught me: Everyone is Beautiful - Disability is NOT disability - Is is Uniqability !!
I don't have much Patience, faith,  or hope,
BUT - I have the value of humor.  and i love helping people and making them laugh when times are tough, and Thankfully I have a Positive and Confident Motivational Sense of being ! -
I WILL NOT LET THIS BEAT ME ! I am Discovering hidden resources of myself. The beauty of a moment.  The miracle of simple.  The stark reality of everyone’s mortality.
Life is fragile & beautiful.

Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:  In a condescending manner, you look good; you look healthy; ARE YOU BETTER NOW ??
You must be having a good day … undermining the severity of what I live by how I look.  Or… “It’s just…”  - Or - " wait to you see the consultant " - as tho - miraculasly - they are going to have had a Brain wave and KNOW how to cure me, when in fact the blinking SPECIALISTS KNOW LES THAN I DO ABOUT MY CONDITION and one has even suggested i try YOGA - at this point the lady was nearly headbutted ! -  again minimizing the enormity of my reality.

But I love it when people tell me I inspire them.  Helps give me reason & keeps me focused. - I love this more than anything - I love being Inspirational ! - and yeah - I BLOODY KNOW I AM !

When someone is diagnosed, I get a fair few comments and or messages over my internet pages, I try to tell them:  I do actually 'get you'. I do however - make it lesser worry - by laughing and showing them how to live forward… in spite of everything, how to make symptoms a 'norm' rather than a worry - Laugh at the daft things you do - rather than worry about what people think - If people think lesser of you because of actions commited while you are having a hormone storm - Then - These 'people' are NOT ones I wish to know .. I do Video my 'Storms' and this is to actually SHOW people the differance between when i am ok - and when i am not - and - the difference is immence = I have - so far - not been able to show an anger - rage storm - as i usually am to busy swearing and going bonkers - but - i have twice now - SOMEHOW - taped the episode on an audio file - I will have to see if i can download it - It shows somewhat - the severity of the symptoms - and how - in any case - the huge amount of pressure in my brain and how - at any minute - amongst other things - i could have a stroke - Ohhhhhhh The fun things i deal with !

Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:   Experiencing the how 'ill' people FIND other Ill people !! - It is amazing - we kinda home in on others . We Discover a quirky creativity & sense of humor in a tragic diagnosis.  Meeting some of the most amazing people living with adversity … inspirations, friends.  The number of people who live with a rare/invisible illness & social stigmas is astounding.. You really have no idea by looking ....

“It makes you feel like a liar. Nothing worse than feeling like you have to prove to people that you’re sick. So I just don’t bother trying to explain anymore.” — Susan MacNaughten

"Friends and Family - People that knew you before disaster struck are the worst = ' oh you will be ok ' People that say - 'oh im not very good with illness' - But - want help and support when they are ill" - Annie Flagurty

“I don’t want to sound like I’m whining about my illness, but because I look fine sometimes I wish I had a sign on my forehead letting everyone know I’m not.” — Paige Burgess

“Having an invisible illness is like being an actor in a movie everyone hears about but no one watches. They all have an opinion but their knowledge is lacking.” — Anna A. Legault

For an invisible illness such as depression, you feel like you’re constantly making up excuses as to why you can’t or don’t feel like doing something, for the excuse of ‘I’m depressed’ just isn’t justifiable [to others].” — Katie Stiehl Frauenfelder

“To have an invisible illness and feel invisible is having to explain to everyone what my illnesses are, having to repeatedly spell it for them and correct their spelling because they never spell it right or bother to look it up, being told ‘You look fine,’ ‘You don’t look sick’ and ‘You don’t look disabled’ and feeling invalidated just because they can’t see my illnesses.” — Grace Shockey

“It’s like sitting down to dinner and you’re the only one without a plate. You sit and watch everyone else eat and you are not offered anything.” — Patricia Colbert

"Everybody sees my forced smile and hears my fake ‘I’m OK’ or ‘I’m fine.’ For once, I’d like somebody to say, ‘No, you’re not. What’s going on?’ and genuinely listen.” — Kym Ann

“It feels like you have to justify yourself every time you experience pain or difficulty. I feel like I am not legitimate, that my needs will be viewed through a lens of my ‘label.'” — Kelly Hartigan-Dunn

“People stare right through me, because they’re not sure if I really am sick, like I’m just a dull piece of artwork hanging on the wall.” — Laura Vago

For some, yes. Your illness may be extremely private to you. Or it may be an inconvenience, but not disabling. Maybe you have more good days then bad days or the idea of sharing that you are too tired to go to the store is breaking etiquette rules.

For others, no. We cannot move or breath or have a life without our illness showing its control over our body and brain. It puts us in the position of fighting for everything. I do actually have to fight to survive .....

We fight to have fun, we fight to recover afterwards, we fight to be a parent and then we fight to raise the children, then we fight with the kids - we fight to get up and we fight to go to sleep... we fight to matter - fight to be heard - fight to be listened too — to be something other than a person who is ill.

I hope by you reading - and maybe taking in a bit of this list - will open your eyes to others situations - I am in NO WAY trying to get the sympathy vote - LMAO - I DON'T WANT SYMPATHY !! - I want Understanding and Acknowledgment and ACCEPTANCE that things are different for EVERYONE - What one person takes for granted - another rejects - what one person laughs at - somebody else sneers -

EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE WAY = I'D LIKE TO THINK THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DISABILITY - ONLY UNIQUENESS = UNIQABILITY .....

THATS MY NEW WORD - I make alot of those !! ;)

BELIEVE IN THE UNEXPECTED ........... IT GIVES YOU HOPE ......

Invisible Illness - David Tennant - Shakespere - MY LIFE !

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD AFTERNOON EVERYONE !! - Well - ok - it could be morning or evening - depends on when YOU read this - BUT - as it's MY story to tell - im gonna tell it as it is - lol - usually the best way i feel ! - and - as it's 1.34pm - I think it's lunchtime - and THATS AFTERNOON - SO - as aforementioned - HAPPY AFTERNOON !!
Ohhhh and it is Saturday, 23rd April - Making it Shakesperes Birthday and his Death Day ( Born and died on the same day - spooky )  AND my ex's 40th !! ( ohhh pause for thought here .. ) Whata day !! - All happening - BUT - the most exciting thing is that - Up in London - David Tennant ( please get ready for an abundance of sexy photos ! )

is Hosting a Shakespeare Live Event! From the RSC which will feature performances of some of the greatest dramatic scenes ever written, played by some of our greatest actors, as well as songs, comedy, dances and music celebrating Shakespeare's legacy. The show is hosted by THE David Tennant and Catherine Tate. Que The clip from Doctor Who where David as 10 meets up with Catherine's Donna in the episode " Partners in Crime " - Series 4 -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uD__LyLpymY

This seriously MUST be my favourite clip in the entire series of Doctor Who - so Charasmatic and charming and witty and Quintessentially British - OMG - That makes me sound Intelligent, and I thought of it all by myself - GO ME !

OI - YOU - BACK SEAT, RED JACKET - MULLET HAIR - FOURTH FROM THE LEFT  - GO BACK AND WATCH THE CLIP - NOW - DO IT .......

Now - this Shakespere Live Thing is not being ticket sold ?? is that the right wording ? - As there isnt going to be enough seats - so - They are putting up Big Screens all over London to show different events as they happen - and then tonight David and Catherine will televise the whole event - The live TV celebration of William Shakespeare to mark the 400th anniversary of the Bard's death. The former Doctor Who star will be joined by Dame Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen.
"It's a variety bill, and the plays are a huge part of that," Tennant said. "We've got some of the biggest classical actors around."
Well - I suppose i cant put all that and not then put why I love Shakespere - Well - I was first introduced as a kid in secondary school - That being St Anselms and My English Teacher - Mrs Hill - she gave us all a copy of Henry Vth

OHHHHH you should have heard the moans - But - THEN she made us sit in silence and over the next two lessons we watched Kenneth Branagh in the latest adaptation, well - OK - maybe my first ever school crush - and Mmm was this to do with the new found love of sonnets and Rhyme - I don't know - BUT - i guess it may have had something to do with it - But - To this day i remember ( and this is a miracle as sometimes i can't even talk properly ! ) but - i remember the St Crispin's Day Speech, Ohhh OK - NOT all of it - just an ikkle bit - lol - and ok the end !  ... Ohhh you know the one - it ends

" We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, For he to-day that sheds his blood with me, Shall be my brother; be he never so vile,, This day shall be gentle to his condition: And gentlemen in England now a-bed, Shall think themself accursed they are not here, And hold their manhoods cheap while any of them speak, That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day. " BRILLIANT
All of it was riviting - the Speeches - the Acting, the Wit, the Intelligence, The Inspirational Quotes - It's just Wonderfully British !!

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
The course of true love never did run smooth
What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Tempt not a desperate man
Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind

Ohhhh so so so many - and Thats all i can remember at the moment - and i can't remember where exactally they are from - But - all of which are superb - and MEANINGFUL !!!!

NOW... The ex - It's HIS birthday today too - Actually his 40th -

( yes Thrilled with his decorations and presents - lol - No - he was - He just NEEDED to do something on the laptop )
So - He decided to take the kids upto London to see what they could see ( OMG That's part of a nursery rhyme isnt it ?! ) Now - I had told him about this event last week - BUT he decides that he is going to re-tell me - as though HE has found out about it - FFS - Anyways = He did ask if i wanted to go - I am a great great DT Fan - BUT due to my illness - I actually have no hope in hell of going - lol - Id end up running down the embankment, arms open wide screaming TAKE ME DAVID - TAKE ME ......
I did actually ask My 10 year old Daughter - well - i sent her a text as she was on the train - saying -
" If you see David Tennant - Grab Him, and Bring him home " -
To which she replied -
" Mum - Do you mean the REAL David or a statue .... Ohhh sorry - No - YOU mean the REAL one - OK I will try - LOVE you lots - see you later !! "
I then simply put
" The Real One - OBVIOUSLY - and UNHARMED please " ....
Ohhh I love the fact my daughter is totally and utterly on my wavelength  !!

So - Ohh the meaning behind this - Mmmmmmmm - Ohh I meant to say the EX turned up early - a tad Hungover from last nights antics - BUT he turned up and picked our son up - and - tried to be nice when he was greeted with -
" - Ohhhh god - you were not meant to be here till 10.30am - it's 9am = I havnt got stuff ready "
PLANS RUINED
To which he suggested
" I'll sit in the garden if you want ?? " - Bless him - TRYING
He went round the back and My 13 year old and I put up deccies and arranged his presents and blew up balloons - KNOWING that no-one else would have made an effort for him ....
Not for any other reason - just to be nice - and TRY to make the day special for him ..... 40th Bday - it should be special ....To me it makes no difference that he walked out on me 22 days ago today !!
Makes no problems or worries that I have had to go to a solicitor and have parents pay for advice and reassurance that i cant be kicked out of my home - or have the children taken away from me - I dont hold grudges - and KNOW now - that him walking out - and going to live with his mother was in fact - the best thing he could have done - SO - The least I can do is get him some nice bday gifts from the kids - ( and me ) and just go with the flow and react as though nothing has happened - There is no need to be bitter and create disharmony - as - really - all i would be doing is creating extra stress and strife for myself - and - lol - once i get my teeth into something - i dont let go ! yes yes yes - I have been called a dog with a bone more than once and by many different people !! - and i cant say i disagree !!! ;) Ohhhh I am NOT meaning to make myself into a Mmmmmm whats the word - A saint - lmao - that is soooo wrong - I am just as terrible as the next - and worse even due to my illness that seriously can turn me into The HULK - but - meek and mild I am NOT and Never will be  - but - Why be nasty - just for the sake of it ?? - Naaaa - I dont get that AT ALL .....
Really, I truly believe that if you can laugh and smile and be happy, motivational and enjoy what you do - then it makes all the bad things - far far easier to deal with .... and if you can make people smile along the way - then YOU SHOULD !! - Does NOT matter what they have done - What matters is the future ...... Ohh Philosophical - i like it !!

I have had many many people say to me - Your off work - Ill - Can't get out without a chaperone, no longer able to drive, Unable to complete simple tasks - Cant do your own finances due to concentration and thinking abilities - Ohhhh a never ending list - and YET - I still am happy and smiley and motivational - ARE YOU PUTTING IT ON ?? = ohhhhh now - ok - THAT makes me mad - WHO WOULD WANT TO BE IN MY SITUATION - having to ask for help with almost EVERYTHING - thats it really - i need help with everything - and when i think it's all going well - the kids play up - sets me off - and i end up having to phone parents in case i go over the top and hurt someone - TRY LIVING DAY TO DAY THINKING YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF DEAD AS YOUR A BURDEN even rationally i hate having to have people come round for a coffee as i think they would prefer to have met at a coffee shop - BUT - I can't get there !!!! and so THEY make sacrifices AND I DON'T WANT THEM TOO !! But I IGNORE !! - It's easier than having the self hate !! = and then - when you can ignore the bitterness towards an illness - you can start to embrace it - and understand that it actually makes you a better person - OK - so i am here- I have NOT been able to go to London to see David Tennant - BUT - instead i am here and have chatted with mum n dad - and sorted the animals out and done a few videos for youtube - and made a good few people laugh - which - raises Seritonin and makes them happy - and surely being the reason to make someone smile is the greatest gift you can give ??? So - OK - I can't do LOADS - BUT - OMG I CAN MAKE PEOPLE SMILE !! - ok - and roar laughing !!!! - and i'm not always sure it's with me - BUT - that's another thing - I can and ALWAYS DO - laugh at myself !! - and thank christ i find myself hysterically funny !!

Now - Here we are onto the main reason - i think - of this blog today - Invisible Illness - Those with invisible disabilities can present with varying symptoms such as debilitating pain, fatigue, dizziness, weakness, cognitive dysfunctions (brain fog), learning differences and mental disorders, as well as hearing and vision impairments.  Most of these chronic invisible conditions are not always obvious to an observer, but can sometimes or often limit daily activities. Out of that small list - I have about 6 of the symptoms - and always get told - BUT YOU LOOK AMAZING - SO HAPPY AND HEALTHY - It's obviously doing you the world of good !!
Brilliant - I usually laugh at this point - and then - Depending on who and where we are - I may well go into one and tell the person ( Usually quite loudly ) That just because a person is looking happy and bubbly ( This by the way i have found out - usually means FAT - and of course - Because i am FAT - I sit at home eating cream cakes and crisps watching TV and putting my feet up ! = NOT THE CASE  ) Does NOT mean that they are not in immense pain and actually making the best of a really terrible situation - BUT - I WON'T LET THIS ILLNESS BEAT ME - and I wont sit at home and get depressed - If - at the time I am 'Myself' - Because yes - there are times when MY particular illness comes over as Mental Illness ( Even though it is an organic MEDICAL issue ) or I come over as VERY hyper and get asked if i have been drinking or Told to 'stay off so much coffee' !!! People become instant medical experts when ... after they ask you what you do for a living - you tell them you are a invisible illness sufferer ... and they have then actually - instead of being a counter assistant in the local supermarket - they have attended medical school for the last 12 years, and KNOW exactally how you can help yourself ( usually by going on a diet and exercising ! - SIMPLES ) and = it's weird - but people like that always get upset when you try to educate them - Tell them that your body is in famine mode and EVERYTHING you injest is put on as fat - and if you TRY to exercise Your head shuts down and your body basically STOPS - They THEN tell you that making excuses won't sort the situation out !! BRILLIANT !! Just lose the weight and you will be fine !!
So- to get over this Hurdle - I do actually just laugh - There is nothing else that can be done - and once again - LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE - These people - THANK THE LORD - and i'm not even religious - ok - that religious

 - are beyond help - they do actually THINK they are helping and don't realise the stress and upset they cause - to many many people ..... BUT - My thoughts on that - Thank God it is me that has the illness and NOT you - because OMG You really are NOT strong enough for all the shit I HAVE TO GO THROUGH !!!

Oooooooooooooooooooooo ark at me - i have gone off on one again - and omg - all my blogs seem to do this - i go to chat about one thing - and i end up talking about myself - well - i guess that is what a blog is all about !! - BUT - well - I wanted this one to be light hearted - so ok - I must end this on a light hearted note !!!! - and I know just the thing !!


My evening / night a few days ago sums me up perfectly, This is actually a status ( Yes I know my Status's are VERY VERY long - But - i had ALOT to say !! ) on Facebook - so please excuse the copy and paste - but - i think you may enjoy a night in the life of Abby !!  !!

Ok, I am aware that it's 2am, but I have to share the dangers, I have been woken up by Rodney, who after Deciding that after two days he was hungry bolting his food, started throwing up on my FLUFFY purple teddy bear duvet, naaaaa he didn't move, sick all over the end and edge of the bed, thank the lord it's the side i don't use, ohhhhh shut up, cause I cleaned it up, well, I rushed into the hallway on route to bathroom and FUCKING DOG pitch black and didn't hear her snoring so fell over her, that is when I realised my legs were BURNING and double in size, the one time I use a new Ladies razor and I am bloody allergic to the aloe f'ing Vera in the blades, so I limp my way to the bathroom and reality hits me, I need the loo, urgently, sit down, BOLLOX, forgot I had bleached the seat 3 hours ago, still wet, then omg the burning started, legs, arse, ohhhhh, any way, Nivea will help the legs I am sure, so I plunged my hand in the tub, start rubbing it in, this is where it goes tits up, literally, for some unknown reason I decide to stand up, still rubbing Nivea in n slowly, because to do it fast would be ridiculous, my feet started to slide apart, well, no, if I'm quick enough it will be fine, IT WASN'T FINE, even at my humongous size, the splits are possible IF YOU USE FREEBREEZE DISINFECTANT ON A STONE FLOOR, well, the sight is not pretty. Even Derek decided to stop taking in the bathroom antics and left and that is unheard of,
OHHHH IVE NOT FINISHED YET

I stand up, eventually legs burning, bum burning, thought Anusol, that will numb the pain, well, what's similar at 2am, blinking Colgate, ouch ouch ouch STOP LAUGHING, least I am minty fresh, n bloody impeccably clean down there... Anyway walk back to bedroom .... Clean sick up, didn't fall back over the dog, I wont lie n elongate the story, went back n cleaned sick from everywhere, legs well the size of a tree trunk, ohhhh ok the size of a very very large leg, decided it may be too hot and that is why Rodney was sick and opened a window forgetting Derek thinks he is supercat reincarcerated and declared in no uncertain terms that he is going to precariously balance on the bloody window so he can have some fresh air and get away from the mix of bleach, Nivea, toothpaste and anusol cream fumes, can't say I blame him, anyway in my haste to get him down, he grabs the bloody net curtain and crash bang wallop, brrrrrrrrrrrr says Derek, and sticks his claws into my shoulder, then jumps off and runs away, woof woof woof, peggaty always chases cats If they run past at full pelt, MUMMMMMMMM WAKE UP PEG IS EATING DEREK, omg, roll over bed. Yes through wet patch of cleaned up sick, the part of the bed i never use, and go calm cassia down because she thinks Derek is a goner ..... Back to bed, legs throbbing, arse warm now, rather nice actually 😉 and window net flapping in the breeze, the moral of the story..... Whatever happens, DON'T GET UP AT NIGHT ..... STAY IN BED, GOOD NIGHT 😊

21 YEARS - AND POOF GONE ! ( No he has not turned gay - he's LEFT THE HOUSE ! )

 Well - it's finally come to a BIG MASSIVE HEAD !
Not the spot on my chin - or my forehead  - or my cheeks - Top and Bottom - or my neck - Nope -
Mr & Mrs Barry are NO LONGER = HE HAS MOVED OUT
* shock, horror, confusion, outrage, upset, astounded, amazement, overwhelmed, ANGER - OMG ANGER TO THE EXTREME - dread, fear, terror, abandonment, astonishment, disappointment, strain, tension,  and now conflict and dispute DID I MENTION ANGER ? *

OK - Those are just a few of the emotions that i went threw over about 3 and a half maybe three and three quarter seconds - MY HEAD WAS READY TO EXPLODE.....

OK - Just FYI - and say that as it reads please - not the entirity - FYI ! - Being hip n trendy ! -

Due to my BRAIN / HEAD / PITUITARY / SKULL / BONCE / NOGGIN TUMOR - I have been told NEVER to be left alone with the kids / children - as I am so unpredictable !!

SO HE TOOK THEM TO HIS MOTHERS !! ( You know her - The one ...... No - No  I will NOT LOWER MYSELF * Insert big smiley face here please * - Oh * with halo * ! )

Mmmmmmm - then he sent a text telling me he would bring them up the next day - IF MY MOTHER WAS HERE - so I could see them - * INSERT MORE ANGER * then he would take them back to the den of deceit ....... Oh sorry - His mums.

He also told me - AND MY MOTHER - That HE WENT AND SAW MY DOCTOR - MY DOCTOR - The one who knows NOTHING of Pituitary Tumors - and HE said - I would be OK if left with the kids - and Mr Barry Believes he is right - as i have never tried to hurt them before -

Just like I have never tried to commit suicide before - and now - Two years later - I have tried three times ..... BUT - NO - I WOULD NOT HURT THE KIDS IN MY RIGHT MIND - lmao - but - YOU TWAT = I'M NOT IN MY RIGHT MIND - THAT'S THE WHOLE F**KING POINT !

But - he has spoken to a few people - Ohhhhhhhh - thats good - a few of his Endocrinological Pituitary Adenoma Specialist Drinking Buddies ( Endocrinology is a specialty of medicine;  which deals with the diagnosis and treatment of diseases related to hormones. Endocrinology covers such human functions as the coordination of metabolism, respiration, reproduction, psychological, sensory perception, and movement. and Pituitary is an important gland in the body and it is often referred to as the 'master gland', because it controls several of the other hormone glands - while - Every cell in the body has a tightly regulated system that dictates when it needs to grow, mature and eventually die off. Tumors IE - Adenoma's occur when cells lose this control and divide and proliferate indiscriminately.  ) will have helped him on his journey to bachelorhood ! ..... Thats good - he came to his decision through taking great care to make sure EVERYONE would be alright .... * PLEASE NOTE SARCASM ! *

Anyways - He went - OHHHHH THEN ALL THE NASTINESS STARTED !!!

But - I won't go there - Once again - I won't lower myself - ( Ohhhh above - is that lowering myself - Nooooooooo - I'm just stating facts there ! )

Anyways - Now - He is living - I believe - with his Mother - God rest her soul - Ohhh no - she's not dead - Bless her heart - ( * insert smiley face * ) they are all drinking buddies together - and can now enjoy a lovely cigarette INSIDE - instead of having to go out into the cold to drag on a faggggggggg because the children were there - BUT NOW - The children are with me - UNLESS Mr Barry decides, He wants to take them out - No - He can't give a time or anything as he is so so busy ..... So- He rings and says I will pick you up ( He NEVER tells me - He tells the kids ) at 11.30am tomorrow - and then turns up at 10am .......... I make him a coffee while he tells me I Have no legal foot to stand on - and HE hold all the cards - and
(1) IF I WANT TO STAY IN THE HOUSE - THEN I HAVE THE KIDS
(2) IF I CAN'T LOOK AFTER THE KIDS - THEN HE WILL MOVE BACK IN - AND GET ALL RIGHTS PUT IN HIS NAME - AND I HAVE NO SAY OVER ANYTHING OR
(3) HE WILL MOVE BACK IN AND GET AN INJUNCTION OUT TO HAVE ME REMOVED !

As you can imagine - i did sort of * Quite alot * ( Think HULK SMASH ) GO MENTAL HERE

REALLY IS BETTER THAN EASTENDERS MY LIFE !

He left rather sharpish - WITHOUT THE KIDS -

I took - 6 x Diazepam, Calmed down - Mum on her way, and rang him - NOPE -

I AM HAVING THE KIDS AND YOU ARE NOT DICTATING TO ME ANYMORE

He then said ok - and - ohh ok - so - Come back and get the kids and take them where ever you were tkaing them - " Ohh I can't now - I have things on " - WHAT ?? IN FIVE MINUTES YOU MADE ALTERNATE PLANS - WHAT RUBBISH ! " - I will pick them up at 1 " ............. OMG

so now - He is totally under the impression and telling people - I have been lying about my illness !! - EVEN THOUGH THE SILLY MAN WAS THERE ALL THE TIME AT EVERY APPOINTMENT AND HEARD MY DIAGNOSIS - lmao - He even cried at the time !!

OK - thats when it got interesting - so far I have 'Stormed' about 5 times - With the kids here - and once without them here - 'Storming' is where I have an abundance of a hormone go through me and it MAKES me act - Suicidal / Rage / Upset / Happy .................. Each time I have phoned my mum - and Text Mr Barry - My mum has dropped everything - and come to help - He has told me it is very sad that I am ill - and I will sort it - and Once I have been to the Doctors to do my medication and the Job Centre ( ID LOVE TO SEE SOMEONE EMPLOY ME - BRILLIANT !! ) - and the Council - and where ever else i need to go - then i will feel better !! - ( Fabulous - I can't wait for this to happen ! ) But - as it stands - even though I own HALF of a Property Development Business - Because - AT THE MOMENT - I have not been able to do my share - I am only entitled to equity - when we sell - BUT - HE WON'T SELL - as it is now classed as HIS JOB ! - lmao !!! - You seriously could not write this as a story !!

Anyways - Don't worry - that little lot is in hand - I'm not as green as I am cabbage looking - AND OMG I ONLY WENT AND GOT A DODGY SAYING CORRECT - GO ME !

So - to clarify -

He rings and picks kids up when he wants
and drops them back ... when he wants .....
Is free to do whatever he wants - whenever he wants
Has the cash from Renting houses to use for WHATEVER ......
Has the Benefits, and Kids money and EVERYTHING going to his account ...

I DO EVERYTHING,
Ohhhhh - Did i tell you my head shuts down or I storm when i try and read ??? Or when i try and do ANYTHING Inc use my hands, or have a shower, or use a toothbrush or walk, or breathe ?? Ohhh I also Zone out on the computer - I could be on here for 12 hours straight and not realise or i just sit and stare into space .....
Mmmmmmm - and I'm left with the kids - No money - Animals - House - a boiler that does not work - ( because Mr Barry decided to fix it one day - Which miracle upon miracles has now been put forward that I BROKE IT ! Yup - Cause i'm ALWAYS trying to fix boilers ) - ohh and a garden ( Now NOT filled with Dog excrement - as i spent the morning picking it all up, and fixing the fence - as best i could - and moving all the 50 empty home brew making kit away and off the decking ) that has been dug up and well - torn apart - because Mr Barry wanted to do something or rather too it - two years ago - but - he could not finish due to me - !! ( I actually think it had more to do with the fact that HIS BACK WAS HURTING - and he had an important FIFA match to complete ( FIFA also has something to do with the work on the houses as he always says he is working - but then - I find him on fifa - so - It MUST have something to do with Mortage rates or something ?? )  .....

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - DID YOU SEE - I STARTED TO GET BITTER THERE - WHOOPS !! - SORRY

So - as you can tell by my tone - and well - seeing my YouTube Channel and Facebook page etc etc - I AM NOT EASY TO LIVE WITH - and I really DON'T blame him for not wanting to be with me - ( Even though i am Lovely and sexy and funny and confident and very ADORABLE ) But - when i'm ill - ohhh i'm a diva !! It is horrible to live with .... But - It's OK - HE does not have to any more - He can go and do what he wants when he wants - and money is apparently no object ....... Why he does not have to pay maintenance is a little beyond even me though,  It's because i'm so stupid i think - I did not go to a Grammar School like he did - lol - so i have to look into that one !! Dopey mare that I am !

BUT atm - it is ok - I am just grinning when i am 'ME' at his 'stupidity' ( omg - that only bloody rhymed ! ) and 'storming' when it comes over me - A HUGE thank you to EVERYONE I have phoned mid Storm esp Mum, Steve, Kate, Gaye and Dawn ) and Thank You to EVERYONE who has sent texts and messages and Hugs -

TO BE CONTINUED !!!! ..........................................................

** OHHHH I FORGOT TO MENTION THIS ALL HAPPENED OVER THE EASTER WEEKEND - AND SO - I SPENT A LOVELY EASTER SUNDAY - ON MY OWN - NO KIDS AFTER HE HAD PICKED THEM UP - 2 HOURS EARLY - I HAD WAITED TO GIVE THE KIDS THEIR EASTER EGGS - FROM BOTH OF US - ( and thank god i had bought them them - as he hadnt )   - Kids gave him easter eggs that i had bought HIM = and he almost threw them on the table and tried to leave, i told him that Computer / internet didnt work - and he just looked VERY QUICKLY at it - said - " Well - your problem" - and walked out with the kids - leaving me in HYSTERICS on Easter Sunday - The Internet is all i have - !! ( Two hours later it decided to come on - so two hours of me slobbering and crying and snivvering over the computer then - IMMEDIATELY - i was fine again !! This bloody illness drives me CRACKERS )
AND THEN EASTER MONDAY = He came dropped kids off an hour and a half early- leaving them with me who was not too good - well - i phoned my mum - Diazepamed up - and watched a film until mum got here then I ate one of HIS Easter Eggs last night and it was delicious !!! - So thats the story in Barramory !! ;) !! **