Wednesday 16 March 2016

PITUITARY TUMOR - EMOTIONAL ABUSE - CARER & PATIENT

OK - I start with an APOLOGY !!! This is NOT the funny, Light hearted, Optimistic ( Although it will be a little i hope ! ) Blog that I promised in my last rant -
OMG I'M TURNING INTO A MOANER !! - But - that's ok - as I'm still beautiful !! ;)

It came to my attention while out this morning - That ALOT of people are talking, No names mentioned !!, and they believe that I am a sufferer of Emotional Abuse



So what is emotional abuse? It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and subjugate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven’t dealt with — perhaps as a result of being abused themselves. They didn’t learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless. -  http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse )

Healthy relationships ( inc Friendships ) are based on trust, mutual respect, and security.


Each person must feel they are valued and loved unconditionally, accepted for who they are, and safe to expose their vulnerabilities and flaws. But  - one of the partnership is ill .... and the other is there just to help, then - ALL SORTS OF TROUBLE STARTS ....



Very Very Interesting - as I too thought / think that a little of this goes on - BUT - being the person I am - and the confident - mouthy - overbearing - assertive / bordering on aggressive - pushy person that i am, i thought this would never be the case -

OMG - I LEARNT SOMETHING ! - Actually I learned loads - it's a fascinating subject, psychologically - and it's weird - just quickly - i can't concentrate on anything when i have to look down - but - looking at the computer screen - not taking every little detail in - I can concentrate for alot longer - although - i do seem to phase / zone out - but - omg - this is quite articulate for me, considering i have not slept much - and I went out this morning ( i'm usually asleep by now ! )  !! = Im Impressed, and very quizzical about the whole thing !
( I have two pituitary Brain tumors and when i look down - hold a Book / Tablet / Kindle to read - i can only take in a few lines - due to pain / concentration )

OK - To start at the relative beginning - my - ' Change '  - Two years ago I was finally diagnosed with a Pituitary Tumor = Basically effects everything you can imagine - I also have Hypothyroidism - so mixed with unable to exercise - I am HUGELY overweight - BUT once i finally realised I was not to blame - and, in fact, the amount i did eat was smaller than most people, I let up on myself - and now just 'am' = lol - I mean i don't worry about my weight - well - I can't do anything about it - ( I did try the Gym for about a year - near on two - 2 x hours a day for 5 days a week - one hour in the gym and one hour Aqua - BUT - Nothing came off - even with healthy eating - So - I know - Heart in hand - if that is the right saying ? - That i TRIED , and seriously NOTHING works - So - I can't beat myself up about it - I even thought of a Gastric band - but - WHATS THE POINT = I don't eat much anyway, Most days I drink endless cups of coffee, and only eat actual food at about 5pm - Dinner time - Because- I'm NOT hungry !! =  I know - Many of you will be saying - ohh there's your problem - you should eat little and often - ( I seriously could be a dietitian the amount i know on the subject ) BUT - if i do that - i graze - and that's all i can think about - so - I eat when i am hungry = so - i can't eat even less than i do now !! THAT'S DANGEROUS !! )  OMG I have gone on about weight - off topic - so - to bring it back - the EX has NEVER said anything but encouragement for my weight issues - I think because he sees that i don't overeat = and knows i try my hardest ....There you go - back on track ! Anyways - at this time the EX bought up that we were not happy / in love as a couple - and he thought it wise to split up - I TOTALLY AGREED - ( after lots of thought ) I was NOT forced into thinking like that - and now - I truly believe i should never have married my first boyfriend = BUT - bringing me back to the pig headed person I am - I wanted to, Listened to no-body - we do and did get on like a house on fire - so - I THOUGHT YOU MARRIED YOUR BEST FRIEND !! So i did !! ..... THAT IS NOT THE CASE !! Anyway - We had two children - I was sick and could NOT look after them alone - and so - he moved finally into a newly partitioned off lounge - and made this his bedroom - Fine by me !



Anyways, This Pit Tumor changed me - TOTALLY AND BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION, It has made me into the person i am today, who - I LIKE !! - Except for the emotional part !! That is like a woman scorned with PMT x 1000 mixed with THE HULK ! - I am totally serious = It truly is horrendous and even I hate myself when i am 'off on one' - I really am NOT ME - So much so - that - totally rationally - i think that EVERYONE is better off without me here - as i totally disrupt - EVERYTHING - even though i don't want to ................

Now - Psychological abuse, also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. - I have all three, in the extreme.

Now - in Simplistic terms - Emotional / Psychological abuse can be narrowed down - and if a number of 'signs'  are carried out - then - a person is suffering from Abuse ... so - I was thinking - from my point of view - HE IS DOING THIS TOO ME - he is making me down-troddon and reliant and mentally disturbed through HIS behavior -
For Example ( Just a few - there are many more )
1) He will not sit next to me - Because i 'invade' his personal space and we need 'boundaries' ??? I don't know either, as I definatly do not feel the urge to jump on him or rub my leg upon his or anything else for that matter ! So 'Boundaries' are what ?? - He says he can't explain - and I should KNOW !
2) He will not always make me a coffee when he has one - knowing this is a major ' Trigger ' - he still wont - I will always make him a coffee - i don't always remember to ask - so - i just make one - it's NORMAL - it's just being nice
3) I am not allowed in his bedroom  - AT ALL - Invading his personnel space - Not even to clean - as the place is filthy - he knows this winds me up
4) Anything to do with OUR business - he deals with - as he says it will make me ill - and he is trying to help and remove all stress - now i get no money ( apart from paying half the Mortage and Bills & shopping )  from the business - as HE does it all - So - he gets whats left over ... I just get my Disability ..... He has stopped his disability - ( Even though he has made a remarkable half recovery since we split up - and can do an awful lot more, No longer needs a mobility scooter for eg - he is NOT as he should be - and is always in pain )
5) Says I turn things around and fixate  ( yeah i do - this is my illness )
6) Tells me to take tablets when HE has made me mad - I DON'T want to be taking STRONG anti-psychotic tablets when i am just angry - because he has instigated the anger - I can calm down myself - i only need tablets when i am ill !

7) He starts an arguement when due to go out with kids - so i end up staying at home - and he takes kids out without me - I therefore only go out with mum on a Monday and a Weds and sometimes Auntie Gaye on a Tuesday - BUT - yesterday I came down - after getting ready and was very much looking forward to a morning out - and came downstairs to be greeted to him drinking a lone coffee and told me he was selling a house, one of OUR houses - so he could look after me - and the kids - and we would go back to Normal, and we could all go out - and go for dinners and enjoy afternoons out, go on holiday etc  - HOW DARE HE - I can't go away anyway due to my illness - I can't go out for long cause i get so tired - and No way was I selling a house to adhere to his drink and gambling addiction - and he does NOT want to be with me - so - WHY SAY HE WANTS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME ...... I am NOT stupid ... and if that is all it took - then - why not be nice now ?? SO ANGRY .... So i spent the day popping pills and in my room - ALL DAY - Nothing to eat or drink - and - '' well - thats not my problem '' .............................. Humanity - where is the humanity
8) I cant mention certain things in case it makes him angry / NEVER PHYSICALLY - Just goes quiet - and that's another 'trigger' - if he is quiet - i think i have done something wrong - '' Ohhhh your paranoid '' That's what i get - then he tells me he is tired - or in pain - BUT - If i am tired or in pain - i have to go up to my bedroom !! ....... But - he stays - so that winds me up
9) If we are out - he constantly follows me - even though - i may be fine - and then i get angry - then - when i dont feel well - he leave me - and i go funny
10) Treats me like a child when i am having a nice time - because it may interupt others - I DON'T CARE AS LONG AS MY CHILDREN AND I ARE HAVING A NICE TIME !! - I'm not disrespectful or nasty - may just be a tad loud ...
11) He never listens to me - or i feel as though he doesnt
12) I feel like i need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere
13) .I get accused or blamed for things i know aren’t true - ie - " You moved the ....... - " - and ok - i know i do have a habit of moving things - but - I KNOW I DIDN'T MOVE THAT - and then it gets found - I NEVER get apologised too 
14) I get blamed for problems, life difficulties, and unhappiness, or rather not ME - but my illness .....
15) OMG the amount of subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control me - I CAN'T STOP MY BEHAVIOUR WHEN I AM ILL - THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO - AND I CAN'T REMEMBER TO TAKE TABLETS - TELL ME TO AND I GENERALLY WILL - .......... " But - it's not my place to tell you ! " - OHHH FFS I CANT WIN



HE CAN'T WIN EITHER !!! I know that - BUT - neither can I  .... we DON'T want to be together - and he makes that PERFECTLY CLEAR daily - and tells me time after time that he would have been fine if we had not stayed together - BUT when i met him - he was at rock bottom - Even though he will say otherwise  - Ohhh he has told me his family and friends won't come around because of me - but - when they do - I always tell them they are welcome anytime ....... and they don't show up again for months ..... So I am sure it's not to do with me - it's the way they are - but - he has me believing it's me - I have never ever ever seen one of his 'friends' EVER in 21 years - But - apparently they won't come round because of me - ?????? WHAT ?????

Ohhh he is forever saying i don't understand what he is saying - and i turn things round to be nasty - But - being told -
Right - you MUST make a decision -
I then ask what decision -
to be told -
You have to think of that yourself - WHATTTTTTTTT
BUT I CAN'T THINK - so i then believe I am actually going mad !! -
I can't think of the question that i have to answer - OMG !

OK OK - I go on and on - ohhhhhhhhhh and the list - i didnt tell you about the list !!

Apparently if you have to endure any of the below - you are suffering at the hands of emotional abuse

1)Threatened to harm your partner, their friends or family, punch walls or smash things.
Put them down, make them feel bad about themselves, make them think they're crazy, humiliate them.

2)Control what they do ( i openly encourage him to do what he wants - except play fifa if i am talking to him as this is a MAJOR TRIGGER ) , who they see ( NEVER control this ) , what they read ( NEVER ) and where they go, limit or discourage outside involvement ( I will not allow alcohol into the house - to the extent that his mother would not come for Christmas dinner BUT only because they all drink to excess - and i do NOT agree with it - He has been bought home in an Ambulance x 2 and a Police car once and was caught drink Driving and banned for a year - so - I don't think i'm to blame for hating alcohol )

3)Encourage children to take sides ( Telling daughter we took out - 'in sickness and in health from our marriage vows to allow him to basically feel better about whats happening - ALTHOUGH - IN HIS DEFENSE - I AM FINE WITH HIM SEEING OTHER WOMEN - AS I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO HIM EITHER ! )  , make them feel guilty about the children, use child contact to harass them. ( If i am going Bizurk - he takes the kids away from me - although it is him who has caused it - and then goes and books a holiday - or a caravan - so they are not near me - ALL I WANT IS MY KIDS - I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ALONE ) and again - for his preservation - i guess - my behaviour is terrible and the kids should not be privvy to it - BUT IF IT WASNT BOUGHT ON - THEY WOULDNT ...

RIGHT - IT IS NOT THE EX'S FAULT THAT I AM ILL - AND - HE DOES NOT HAVE TO STAY HERE WITH ME AND THE KIDS - HE COULD HAVE TAKEN THEM AWAY = AND GOT A HOUSE - AND LEFT ME - BY MYSELF - WITH FAMILY = BECAUSE I CANNOT LOOK AFTER THE KIDS - AND NO - THATS NOT HIM TALKING - THATS ME - He actually says i will be fine - and if he isn' there - there will not be as many triggers - as he knows he does trigger - sometimes meaningfully - and sometimes not -

IN REALITY - HE IS ALSO SUFFERING MANY MANY MANY FORMS OF THIS PSYCHOLOGICAL STRESS AND ABUSE AT THE HANDS OF MYSELF - BUT - ONLY WHEN I AM ILL - WHEN I AM NOT ILL - I WALK AWAY - AND GO TO MY ROOM - WHERE - GENERALLY I WILL STAY ALL DAY LONG - UNTIL HE COMES UPSTAIRS BECAUSE I AM IN HYSTERIA and talks me down - saying i have it all wrong - and everything is fine ....

I have threatened to kill him
I have threatened to stab him
I have threatened to kill myself - Not just threat - i have gone through with this three times, but he has helped me
I punch walls and hit my head against walls and smash / break things ( never hurt him though )
I put him down and put his family down and constantly tell him it's all his fault
I tell him he is an Alcoholic - like the rest of his family
I say other - TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE things - and just can't stop
I swear - the most TERRIBLE words at him
I make things up that will hurt him
I will no longer allow Alcohol in the house - AT ALL
I bought 2 x cats - when he told me not too because he is allergic - causing him to live in the log cabin for two months - ( But we had cats before - it's just because he does NOT like cats - and please - WHO DOES NOT LIKE CATS AND IS SAIN )


I make him feel bad about himself
I tell him i hate him - where really i love him - BUT JUST AS A FRIEND
I have made false allegations about him and this is endless
The list here is endless - I tell him he is horrible and I don't want the kids turning out as socially and emotionally unstable as him
I tell him i never loved him
We should never have got married
Ohhh this list is endless


But - All that is when i am ill - and i can understand - that he does what he does, because he has had to endure YEARS of Torment and Frustration and Turmoil and Pain and Anguish ... Al at the hands of MY ILLNESS - I was not ever like this before -
He feels he can't leave because the kids will lose me ( I can't and won't live on my own - i won't live with family - as i will be a burden - and i defintely WON'T live without my children - i did not have them to be a single parent - I know - extremes - BUT THAT'S HOW I LIVE MY LIFE - I WOULD RATHER TAKE MY LIFE - THAN BE WITHOUT MY CHILDREN ) - and he does actually want to help me - I KNOW HE DOES - and when i have been ok for a few days - he lets his guard down - ( he has to keep it up to protect himself ) and we have a laugh and everyone has a good time - but - this is very few and far between - BUT - we DO get along - and he is a lovely guy - we just are at the end of our tether - BOTH OF US .......




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