OK - It's March - lmao - NO it's not - it's ermmmm - ( Sitting squeezing eyes together to remember ) ermmm - it'sssssssss NOVEMBER - and i remembered that cause it was my mum's bithday last week - and her birthday is october - and its soon Nov 5th - and its now OMG IT'S THE FIRST OF NOVEMBER - Pinch Punch !! HAPPY NEW YEAR !! - ( See - thats what happens when i type what im thinking !! - OMG ! Imagine being in my head ! )
OK - so - the kids are off - Go Back Tuesday and Weds ( I have two kids !! - ie - one goes back tues and one goes back weds - yeah - ok - i guess that was self explainatary ! ) and well - it seems like all i have done is .... OHHH IM GONNA LIST THEM - CAUSE THATS WHAT PEOPLE DO - LIST !! In order of doneness .... whatever thats called - pmsl - as you can maybe tell - my brain isnt working atm !! OK - Here it goes Brace Yaself !! ...
SLEPT
BEEN ON PHONE ( YouTube/Facebook/Twitter/Google+ etc ) When i say that i have been on these - i mean i have gone on - and stayed there - zoned out and totally unable to bring myself back to the real world - i am there - and nothing stops me - i completely go into that 'other' world !! Someone actually came into the house - DOG WENT MAD - and i didnt budge !! They soon scarpered - Turned out it was the Postman who had a package !! REACTIONS TOTALLY GONE
CRYED
MADE VIDEOS - OMG THE VIDEOS !! ( just see YouTube and Facebook !! )
RAGED
HOOVERING
APPLIED ANUSOL
FED ANIMALS
BEEN MOODY
STARTED ARGUEMENTS
TALKED TO THE ANIMALS ( Ohh god - Burst into song here if you wish )
BEEN SUICIDAL
WASHING AND CLEANING
POPPED DIAZEPAM LIKE SMARTIES ( as they dont affect me )
PHONED MOTHER (!)
SHOUTED ALLLLLLLLAN - IVE BROKEN IT AGAIN
BROKEN THE HOOVER ( but still try and use it )
BROKEN THE TUMBLE DRYER
BROKEN THE LIGHT
TRIPPED THE TRIP SWITCH PUTTING A KNIFE INTO THE TOASTER ( Ohh i know )
LOOKED AT THE CAT ( DEREK ) THROUGH THE DOOR GAP - BECAUSE WE BOTH FIND THAT HYSTERICAL !
GONE OUT A FEW TIMES WITH MUM FOR COFFEE / LOOK AROUND SHOPS
HAD HYSTERIA FOR NO REASON ( laughing )
HAD HYSTERIA FOR A REASON ( Usually TV something stupid )
THREATENED MY SON FOR BEING ARGUEMENTATIVE, THEN WENT INTO ANOTHER RAGE
WENT TO SHOPS AND STORMED - GOT BROUGHT HOME
MADE HALLOWEEN COSTUME WITH MY DAUGHTER ( LOVED THIS )
OK - Thats really about it - in 2 weeks = Mmmmmmmmm - Now im thinking
THIS IS NO WAY FOR A 40 YEAR OLD TO LIVE ...... CANT GET OUT ALONE, CANT DO ANYTHING BECAUSE IT CAUSES TO MUCH PAIN - CANT DRIVE BECAUSE IM TOO VOLATILE - AM JUST ANXIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING , AND THEN I WORRRY ABOUT WORRYING - ITS RIDICULAS - BUT - THE MAIN THING IM SO UPSET ABOUT - IS NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH MY KIDS - I CANT EVEN THINK TO TALK TO THEM MOST OF THE TIME - AND THEN WHEN I DO - I EITHER CONCENTRATE SO MUCH I BRING ON A STORM AND THEN I CANT TALK - OR I TALK UTTER RUBBISH BECAUSE MY BRAIN DOESNT WORK !! BECAUSE I CAN TYPE AND WRITE THINGS DOWN - I HAVE TXT MY SON AND DAUGHTER WHAT I FEEL ABOUT THEM AND HOW FRUSTRATING IT ALL IS - BUT - NOTHING IN RETURN .... WOULD THEY MISS ME IF I WAS GONE ..... I KNOW THEY WOULD MISS ME - BUT - I DONT DO ANYTHINGTHING FOR THEM - SO - NO - THEY WOULD GET OVER IT - OK - I KNOW THATS HARSH - BUT THESE TWO LOVELY KIDS AND ALL I WANNA DO IS RUN WITH THEM AND GO FOR WALKS AND SIMPLE STUFF - BUT I CANT EVEN MANAGE THAT - EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH -
JUST SMILE
THE EX DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH ME - BUT IS HERE AS HE KNOWS I DONT HAVE HELP OR SUPPORT ( APART FROM MY MUM WHO IS FAB ) AND I HAVE MANY MANY OFFERS OF SUPPORT ( I KNOW MY AUNT WOULD SEE THIS THROUGH ) BUT - EVERYONE ELSE IS FAR TOO BUSY AND CANT ABIDE BY WHAT THEY SAY THIS IN TURN FRUSTRATES THE LIFE OUT OF ME - BUT I TOTALLY GET THAT - SO - WHY DO I BOTHER ..... PEOPLE ARNT BOTHERED WITH ME - I CANT DO ANYTHING - IM OF NO USE TO ANYONE - I CANT EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE OR DO THE WASHING UP SOMETIMES - FUCKING USELESS - BUT - WHAT I DO IT KEEP MY CHIN UP - I MAKE OTHERS SMILE - ( lmao - but not right at this exact moment !!! ;) !! ) I DO YOUTUBE VIDEOS ABOUT POSITIVITY AND CONFIDENCE FOR FAT PEOPLE, AND I TRY TO DO INSIGHTFUL VIDEOS - BUT NOT DEPRESSING ABOUT MY ILLNESS - AND I MAKE A VIDEO BLOG - AND COMMENTS I HAVE HAD HAVE ALL BEEN FABULOUS - AND - OK - WHILE I DO LOVE DOING THIS - THATS ALL I HAVE - AS I CANT DO ANYTHING ELSE .... I CANT EVEN GET INTO TOWN FOR A COFFEE WITH SOMEONE - I NEED A LIFT FROM SOMEONE I KNOW, AND WHO EVER I AM MEETING MUST UNDERSTAND WHAT IM LIKE !! IN CASE I LOSE MY SPEECH OR LOSE MY REACTIONS / CONCENTRATIONS ETC ........ I REALLY AM DEPENDENT ON EVERYONE ... AT 40 - AND I HATE IT ..............
THE KIDS - WHILE THEY HAVE BEEN OFF - HAVE BEEN TO WILDWOOD AND WINGHAM AND CANTERBURY AND FIREWORKS DISPLAYS AND HALLOWEEN PARTIES AND THE ZOMBIE CRAWL AND MADAME TAUSAUDS - ALL OF WHICH I COULDNT DO - BECAUSE OF SOCIAL ANXIETY AND THE FACT IT WOULD TIRE ME JUST GETTING TO THESE PLACES - LET ALONE THE THOUGHT NEEDED TO ACTUALLY DO THE EVENT !! OHHH AND THINGS I COULD HAVE MADE IT TOO - FOR EXAMPLE THE ZOMBIE CRAWL - OHHHH MY GOD - IT WOULD HAVE, I WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE DIED, THE FRIGHT WOULD HAVE STOPPED MY HEART BEATING - AND ID BE DEAD ON THE FLOOR - PEOPLE WALKING OVER ME THINKING I WAS PLAYING ALONG - BUT - NO - MY IMAGINATION IS SOOO MUCH - THAT I WOULD AND AM ACTUALLY PETRIFIED BY ANYTHING LIKE THIS - ANYONE DRESSED UP - SCARES THE LIVING SHITE OUT OF ME - OMMMMMMMMMG - NOW THERES A THOUGHT - LIVING SHITE - WHATS THAT ALL ABOUT ??? HAVE I JUST MADE THAT UP ?? - I DO THAT ALOT !!
OK - SO THE KIDS HAVE DONE ALL THIS - BEEN REALLY BUSY - AND HAD A FAB TIME - AND - IVE BEEN NO-WHERE TO BE SEEN - THEY HAVE DONE IT ALL WITH OTHER PEOPLE ....... MAINLY THE EX - WHO IS FABULOUS - BUT - HE IS UNDER THE IMPRESSION - AND YEAH OK I GUESS ITS RIGHT - THAT THE KIDS SHOULD DO STUFF WITHOUT ME - THAN NOTHING AT ALL - OHHH 100% THEY SHOULD - BUT - ID LIKE TO BE INCLUDED SOMEWHERE - AND WHEN I AM INCLUDED - ITS STUFF I KNOW I CAN DO - AND IT BORES THE LIFE OUT OF THE KIDS ... SO ALL THEY SEE - IS ME BEING BORING - AND IM NOT - IM SO NOT BORING !! ( Ohhhh - Just remembered Cassia and I did go to druidstone wildlife park and gardens the other day - second go as first go mum tried to take us = but - i started storming in the car - as the movement starts me off - and she bought me home - and Cassia and i looked for Unicorns and had a wonderful time - so - ok - i have had one lovely day with Cass !! - NOW i want one with Tom - But he is back to school on Tuesday - and needs tomorrow to do his homework !!! )
BELOW IS VIDEO CASSIA AND I TOOK WHILE LOOKING FOR UNICORNS !!
https://www.facebook.com/abigail.barry/videos/10153745043545439/
Omg- this is turning into a woe is me blog - I do apologise !! - and most people would turn and say - well get off your arse and do something about it- and yes yes - i have a reaction - I dont do anything - because - if i do - i end up concentrating too much and either raging or trying to top myself ( Just Thursday the ex had done all my tablets for the week - and put them in the pill box - I emptied them all and had them all in my mouth - ( anyone that knows me knows that I HAVE A VERY BIG MOUTH !! ) ready to swallow - but - Alan just told me they wouldnt do much - they would pump my stomach and leave me in much the same situation as now - all because i have enough hormone and adrenaline in my body to counteract these certain tablets - WELL BOLLOX ON THAT ONE - I need a million bloody paracetamol - and if i got them - i would have the ones that i cant swallow and disolve in my mouth and leave such a horrible taste - ffs - cant do anything properly - anyways - i spat them out in the bin - and took Diazepam and just lay there - FUCKING IRRITATED !!So basicaly - i do nothing with my kids - well - nothing apart from cleaning / washing / getting dinner sorted and thats it -
THIS IS THE RESULT OF WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DO JUST A SIMPLE THING -
https://www.facebook.com/abigail.barry/videos/10153735508780439/
My mum comes and takes me for a coffee twice a week ( but phones and txts daily ) - and my Aunt once a week ( Which i have had to put off alot - ass i really feel i am tooo much on her ) and thats it - Mum is also here tues and weds and one day at the weekend so the ex can go out - ( which to me is a fucking laugh - as he can go out when ever he wants when the kids are at school - AND HE DOES )
ok ok - im just ranting and stomping my foot now - and my bloody headache is back - and my neck is now hurting from being on the computer !! - MOAN MOAN MOAN - OMG - I NEVER USED TO BE MOANEY = I USED TO BE A JOY - LMAO !! ALL THIS BECAUSE THE BLOODY CONSULTANTS CANT GET THEIR ASSES INTO GEAR !!! ( Ohhh yeah - I had my MRI on Sunday, up in London - i did that as well - thats when the kids went to Wildwood ! - and they rang me on TUESDAY - YES THE TUESDAY AFTER - to tell me that they had found the Tumour in my head - but - they want to do more tests - so - to wait for the letter to instruct my GP what to do - and then stuff would be put in practise - STILL WAITING !!! )
ohhhhh Someone i have never met on one of my social media sites though - did me a channel art for my pages to link them all together - now - i could have been VERY INSULTED or love it - and actually - i love it - so - thats ONE GOOD THING THAT HAPPENED !! BELOW IS A COPY OF IT !!!
lmao - ohhhhh - ok - that'll do for now - i will add a few cheery pictures to this - to show what i am like on the outside - to what is actually going on - may make more sence !!
Anyways - have a lovely fucking sunday night ;) = pmsl
AWW THIS WILL CHEER ALL THE LADIES UP ;) XXX
AND THIS WILL CHEER ALL THE MEN UP ;)
DONT SAY I NEVER GIVE YOU ANYTHING !!
xx
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