ABILAND - WHERE I GO TO ESCAPE REALITY !!

ABILAND - WHERE I GO TO ESCAPE REALITY !!

( Bit of Background for people that don't know me !! - I am 40 years old and separated with two great kids - I still live with the EX - who DOES NOT WANT TO - but helps me stay with the kids - due to a Pituitary Brain Tumour, I have Many Symptoms - But - Mainly HUGE weight issues, MASSIVE MOOD SWINGS, and irrational behaviour - AT TIMES - I 'Flip' and then seconds later - am MYSELF again - BUT - My 'Flips' Have caused me to Become aggressive and suicidal - I have attempted suicide once - THATS THE REASON I NEED MY LAND TO GO TO - TO CALM DOWN !! A few TRUE FRIENDS have been invited into ABILAND with me

- and I txt about it all the time - The txts I send are when I am in a low - and I have actually escaped my reality and have RUN AWAY = I am NOT in the present - I am in AbiLand - where I can relax and be MYSELF !! and I LOVE IT !! = I am writing this as so many other people have asked  - Also Audrea King - a Freqant Visitor and great friend has said she enjoys my visits so much - I though it would be good to explain !! = I occasionally will make mention on facebook etc and they think I have literally GONE MAD ! - But I havnt - I am actually keeping myself sain !!! - Spend a few Hours in MY LIFE = and you would understand why I feel I have had to do this  )

OK - ABILAND - Abiland is a land in its own right - I am the Head and decide people who can join me - Abiland MUST and ALWAYS wil be kept secret, as too - geographical Location - NO-ONE except Myself, Dave ( speak about him in a second ) Pebbles, and a few of my 'friends' know where it is situated...... Now - I know what your thinking - CUCKOO! - But - There are NO CUCKOO's in Abiland - we are AL PERFECTLY SAIN and NOT Mentally retarded = Sherlock can have his Mind Map - I have this - and ARE YOU GOING TO ARGUE WITH THE GENIUS THAT IS SHERLOCK HOLMES ?? - I think NOT ! COME WITH ME - ON A TRIP - TO ABILAND ...

Basically - as there is a lot of different areas to my world - but basically - ohhhh - no - THE MOST IMPORTANT THING - well - I can hear LOTS of voices now - THEY ARE ALL SHOUTING DAVE !! - and ok ok - This will sound a tad ridiculas - BUT - You have to believe - Because without Belief WE LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING = Dave, and you may want to sit down for this - Dave is My Unicorn - and ok ok - I hear you = No such thing - BUT - You wouldn't say that to his face - He hates it when people ridicule me - and gets VERY defensive - so - ok - I HAVE to prove it - so below is Dave -

Now- that's going to put pay to those dismissive thoughts .... ( Pebbles is Dave friend who actually was found by a friend of mine - Adam Mcghie - Ad's found pebbles walking by the beach if my memory serves me right - but I know he will put me right if I am wrong - AND I KNOW I KNOW - One unicorn is hard to believe - but two - so ...... ( we were actually caught on camera one evening a good few months ago - and this is the picture that the photographer issued to the press - it did actually make the papers =

http://feednewz.com/top-news/459008/woman-creates-havoc-in-herne-bay-beach-walking-two-unicorns-22540

Another of my Crew are a pair of breeding DODO Birds - and once again I knew, You - the reader - would not believe this, so included are a couple of pictures I have been lucky enough to get - the first is the male bird - and the second is a pic of Baby Gary- ohhhh - yes - we did have a breeding family with us on the island - and still do - although not breeding at the moment !!
 

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June 28, 2014 · Edited · I HAD TO DO A  FACEBOOK POSTING TO INFORM OF THE IMMINANT ARIVAL OF MY SPECIAL ISLAND GUESTS :

 

"The Dodo's are about three days away from Being Born - so at the moment - little Gary - Emily Green's Bird and Bernard - My Bird, are named - But - Jacqueline and Adam - YOU have all to name a bird yet please !!! In the pic below is baby Gary - So - Deana and John - Thats YOUR job to name the other two !! = and the DODO experts Wilma and Harry Jenkins - Thanks for your help guys - Mumma Bird is doing really really well - and is growing nicely and dad bird is nesting beautifully ... Its ashame the Plunge Pool has taken a Beating tho - But - All hands to the Pump after birth to get Abiland back into some sort of NORMALITY again ........ THANKS guys ........ xxx"

 

THIS PIC IS GARY AGED ABOUT 7 DAYS OLD - ( Thanks for lending it too me Emily Green )

 

As most of my friends know - And Audrea - you know only too well -  The DoDo's are actually a real pain in the backside - they get into all sorts of trouble, and Really have no sence and no idea as too what they do during the day - Gary and Bernard have been known to ride the Phoenix before he has burst into flames- and popular to contrary belief - DoDo's are FAR TOO HEAVY TO FLY !! - So they come SCREAMING down to the ground - and when I say scream - I do actually mean - THEY SCREAM - its an ear piercing sound that goes right through you -

 

Usually they are to be saved by Neville - I am not sure what Neville is - I sort of think he MAY be a Griffin ? - But - Ive never heard of a Black Griffin before ?? - but he is friendly and just so loveable, and will actually follow you about like a puppy - ok ok - a rather large puppy ! - he turned up in Abland one day and has never left - A  pic of Nevile is below - and if ANYONE knows what he is - PLEASE COULD YOU LET ME KNOW !! - He eats Rats and Small Mice - ( Which im not too keen on - as I do love the mice and even a few of the Rats where I am - but - Needs must, and if he is really bored he will seek out the odd mealworm and creebly but - as they do take him all day to find - he usualy sticks to the Rats and Mice - which are usually found in abundance by the Plunge Pool ! = So - All good  )

 

Awwwww you lot don't know - Abiland has a BEAUTIFUL WATERFALL and a Plunge pool right under it - and everyone head straight there usually on arrival - beside it there is a gorgeous little cottage and its covered in flowers,

( This photo was taken quite a while ago - and now the cottage is covered in pink and purple flowers and tincy little white sprigs of an abundance of colour - totally breathtaking ) - Inside the Cottage - there is also a pool that can be used when the DoDo's are Frolicing in the Main Plunge Pool - This gets really annoying as they make a hell of a mess - and poor olde Emily Green usually gets the job of cleaning it - AND A GRAND JOB SHE DOES TOO -

 

                                         ( I see Will has managed to sneek in this picture !! )

 

and ok - there may just be me - but - Adam usually turns up at some point - ( He has been told off more than once for TRYING to skinny dip ) and Emily, Jacq, Audrea, Clare, Sandie and Laura love to be there = although Jacq I don't think has ever actually ventured in - although the water is ALWAYS lovely and warm - BUT - there are fish - VERY COLOURFUL FISH - and Jacq HATES fish - so she stays and watches with a glass of Cider and a Tony Hadley CD on !!

 

 

There is another Dwelling - BUT - Adam usually stays in that - usually closely followed by Pebbles - ( They are inseperable ) and Bella Boo Who is Adams beloved Dog, Now - Pebbles - ( & I PERSONALLY THINK ADAM ) has a slight flatulence problem - so - they generally stay at the 'dwelling' on their own -

 

Never because they arnt allowed OR WANTED IN the main house - but because Ad does like his own space from time to time.. - Now - next to this Dwelling that Ad has managed to Make his own !!!! - There lives two creatures that I call the wanderers - as all they do is wander - they - once again are very docile and friendly - but - all they do all day is eat ( vegetation ) and well - just wander !! - you can go up to them and make a fuss of them - but - once they have had enough - well - that's it - they will be off - they don't suffer fools gladly !! - once again - I have no idea what they are - and they are enormous, but friendly = so all good !

 

- Actually nothing in Abiland fights or  arguments ( Unless Adam gets distracted and falls into the hands of Derek - the Darstedly Giant from the Castle on the other hill - then usually myself and Dave have to go rescue him - as Derek has taken rather a fancy to Adam - and actually wants him as his own - BUT - FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS and I do usually go bail him out immediately - WHAT I SAY GOES IN ABILAND - and if Derek doesn't control his urges for Adam - then HE'S OUTTA HERE - So - So r - Adam - has only had a bed bath - which - I do actualy think he quite enjoyed - But - of course - being the hard man he is - he wont admit it - Derek has very soft and gentle hands when he wants ...

 

Towards the other end of Abiland there is also a Cave where the White Lion and his Mate live - once again - as everything in Abiland - they are VERY FRIENDLY and love to be around people - they are HUGE don't get me wrong - but - they love to just sit by us while we are at the plunge pool and they sit and take tit bits from anyone - and just snuggle with us - they are a lovely couple of Cats..

 

 

Then there is the Tulip Fields - where we all love to go and relax and have drinks and take picnics - usually the animals follow us - except the Wanderers - as for some reason they seem to have a real hatred for Tulips - BUT we love it there and go whenever we can..

 

 

 

There is another Plunge Pool Here, with no fish this time so Jacq can go in if she wants  - and its all just beautiful - so peaceful ( Till Jacq wacks up TRUE or GOLD : Spandau Ballet : and then proceeds to sing - top of her lungs - and OMG - Even the lions start to roar !! )

 

 

ANYWAYS - That's the Jist of Abiland - Where I am - You WILL find Dave - and he keeps me safe and protected - Nothing odd - and I think you MUST agree - Its a LOVELY place to be !!

 

 

 

 

 

MY WEEK SO FAR - HIGHS, LOWS, DIAZEPAM, PSYCH TESTS, BEARS AND VIDEO BLOGGING !

MY WEEK SO FAR -
HIGHS, LOWS, DIAZEPAM, PSYCH TESTS, BEARS AND VIDEO BLOGGING !

Well - helloooooooooo !!! - So your back then - OMG _ YOU need to get a life - ohh or is that me !!??! - and ive juts started this and NOW BLOODY REMEMBER - Im cold and want a coffee - so - you go make a coffee too - ( NOT TEA - I DESPISE TEA DRINKERS ) and will see you back here in 5 - synchronise watches !! ... GO .......

Right - I am Back - ARE YOU ??. OHHH COME ON - BLIMEY in that time I set the dinner table for 5 - and made the kids a healthy snack for home time !! - ( Ohh ok ok - I put a straw in a cup ready for milk - and a raspberry rice cake - in packet - beside it with the same Banana that has been going there every day since Monday !!  - WHAT ??! ) and now im back with a DECENT coffee - ( I don't smoke or drink so I do insist on a decent make of coffee !! Taken either White with a sweetener - or Black on its own ! )

Right - Saturday = What I can remember - Cassia got into bed with me - hada snuggle ( She only 9 ! ) I do love our snuggles - and then she came downstairs - I waited till 9am and then came down - with the intention of making coffee and sitting down to chat !!! = I went through to the kitchen - Wacked Kettle on - and asked Tom if he wanted one - He said I don't think we have time we are off out - ERMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM WHAT ?????? Alan went for a cigarette, saying they were going to his mums, and then WENT !!! - LMAO - Leaving me ON MY OWN - expecting them to be here till 10am - WELL - FLIPPED !!! - Phoned him/txt him/Txt Mum/Phoned him again ( All Phone calls VERY Raw and VERY OTT - extremely Nasty and Hateful - FROM ME - Alan just listens and says be back at 12ish for us all to go to WILDWOOD to see the bears ! ) - Well - Nature of my head - I KEPT flipping - Couldn't stop - No-one here - But screaming, hitting head, SOBBING - and then the Crisis Team Phoned - Talked to me - told me to Medicate - I DID !! - 30 mins later I was fine - so immediately start cleaning !!! - lmao - as you do !! - the whole house IMACULATE by about an hour later !!! EYES LIKE STALKS - Major Cortisol / adrenaline HIGH now - BUT - MUCH HAPPIER -

Alan and Cass turned up at 11.30 - went picked up Tom who was with his two friends - we then decided to invite them to Wildwood - Just Near Canterbury - OMG - WHAT A FABULOUS PLACE - we are members and Love it there - all set in woodland with a whole range of Rescued / Conversationalist Animals there ready for rehab or return to the wild - Cages and Props in cages are EXEMPLERY - All done for the individual animal - Making them 'look' and forage for food - as they would in the wild - and all the animals look in excellent condition considering their backgrounds = Really have not a bad word to say about the place ! - and believe you me - if I did  - I WOULD !! - Anyway - went there to see the newly rescued European Bears - There is two of them - BUT - The Trust were told they had been living together - and they hadn't - so - they are having to keep them separate so not to freak them out - ONE of the Bears Had come out and OMG was ACTUALLY playing with a Punch Bag -

https://www.facebook.com/abigail.barry/videos/vb.705695438/10153414059275439/?type=2&theater 

I can only assume the keepers had filed with food - because the Bear wouldn't and couldn't leave it alone - dragging it about and throwing it around - it was superb to watch, The kids started to get a bit bored - Me with my head - I could have stayed their all day long - but nope - were dragged away after about 20 mins and a huge discussion on if they were Grizzly Bears or Common Brown Bears !! = I said Commons - ( BECAUSE I KNEW ) and everyone else said Grizzly !! - I AM SAYING NOTHING !! - Even though I WAS RIGHT - Because I stopped and asked the man giving a WONDERFUL talk by the Lynx !! - Who we heard telling the keeper he wasn't happy at the close proximity !! - a sort of low rumble- very interesting - and the guy knew his stuff - he was fascinating ... Anyways - Lunch and coffees at the Café there - and for 5 of us £32 - for full meals and drinks - Not bad I thought - then home via the shop -




I was then far too tired and as soon as I got in - I flipped !!!! - I had just got far too over excited at the park and Brain couldn't take any more information - so - after dosing AGAIN - I went upstairs where it was quiet - and stayed there till sunday at lunch - then went out with Alans mum to the Harvester - Obviously me picking where I had to sit and be able to concentrate on just our PARTY of people - if I can see loads of people - my head starts getting to much information and I start getting FAR TO ANXIOUS !! Anyways- did that - lovely - ( Long running Joke that I always have 'Simply Chicken' There as I cant read the menu properly as it kills my head to read - so I always go for that - Alan bless him said - go for something else- and as I felt ok I said yeah - I definitely will - he then bet me £50 that id end up with Simply !!! = Of course - I did !! - but he is no way getting any money !! - lmao !! ) then went to The Heron to meet Mimi and Diddier - Friends of Mum and Dad - but Friends of mine on Facebook - and OMG _ They were lovely - and the dog - Vasco - was a delight - Such open - honest and caring people with BIG HEARTS - thought they were just lovely - anyways - went home - lmao - and guess what - ID OVER DONE IT - AND WENT BIZURK !!! - Alan Phoned the Crisis Team who just told me to medicate - or rather told Alan to tell me to Medicate - as I would NOT talk to them !! = Anyways - Medicated- Now about my 9th Diazepam of the day - ( When I say I medicate - I mean I have to take Diazepam - as that's the ONLY thing that will calm the hormone in my body down - that is produced by my Pituitary Gland being Far too big - and also having a Tumour on it as well !!! - so - Medicate woman - Medicate !! Thing is - when I FLIP - I forget !!- so - unless someone tells me - I could flip for 20 mins - or DAYS AND DAYS !! )

Anyways - Came through that and ended up sitting in my room as felt I wasn't wanted and I had put everyone through far too much - so I stayed out of the way - THEN all I could hear was laughing - and I thought they are far better off without me - so - I took 12 Diazepam - OHHHHHH - I know its stupid - But - I also knew It wouldn't do a bloody thing - Because of the amount of Hormone - I can take LOADS of Medication - and NOTHING touchs me !! BUT- That did calm me down - and I sat with my new phone - and tweeted, Facebooked, and Google+'ed ohhhhhhhh and Started on YouTube- lol - My own CONFIDENCE channel for Plus size ladies - and I have been accepted into - well not a group really - but a section of people on youtube who all do the same - and OMG THEY ARE LOVEY- and the guy that started it all off - Coen at Curvy Shrine  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqftEr5IHxQ    - OMG HOW HOT IS HE ! - is kinda doing blogging and acceptance videos etc for a guy who is into Fat women - and blimey since chatting with him - I have become so far happier with myself and started my own channel !! = Its Fab - I love it- Had 37thousand hits on Google+ ( I KNOW !!!!! ) and a couple of thousand now on YouTube - over about 19 videos !! - But I love it - It give me a release and it helps others = so - makes me feel good - !! BRING IT ON !!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCA9q_HW_4TD7f1P8SXnF_LA


Ohhhh also had another ANOTHER- PSYCH test and the guy said - again - im VERY VERY COMPLEX - NO SHIT SHERLOCK ! = and I show no sign WHAT SO EVER of Pcychiatric problems = BUT - I do present with a few ONLY when I am 'flipping'  - ( One of the Crisis Team at the weekend said he would NOT enter the house as he heard me - PMSL - THAT WAS NOTHING MATE - I THREW A TABLE - COMPLETE WITH INSENCE - I WAS INSENCED !!! - AT ALAN WHO WAS STANDING ON THE STAIRS SATURDAY NIGHT !! )  !! = He is totally stumpted !! - I TRIED to tell him that PITUITARY TUMOURS come across as Bipolar like symptoms - BUT - because I flip in and out so easily - that it means 100% I am NOT !! = He agreed - but because the case is so complicated - he needs to talk to his boss !! - A leading Clinical CONSULTANT Psychologist !! - lmao - ohhhhhhh - go on then - lmao - BUT WHAT I NEED TO SEE IS A BLOODY ENDOCRYNOLOGIST AND A PITUITARY EXPERT !! - But - THEY KNOW MORE THAN I DO - Im just living it !!! He will give me enough Diazepam till next week - LMAO - 4 A DAY AND 2 EXTRA !!! - I just laughed !! - I can take 17 in one day - just to keep me calm - that wont touch the sides - but - he knows best ! - ( I have a stash that I got from doctors and Crisis Team as well - so non too worried !! - ohhh Alan keeps everything under lock and key now -o I cant get hands on anything ! )


Mmmmmmm - That's taken me upto Monday - WHATA WEEKEND I HAD !! - AND THE FINAL OF BRITAINS GOT TALENT !! - Bloody Dog wasn't even Matisse !!!!! - AND I WANTED TO SEE KINGDOM TENORS ANYWAY !!! MOAN MOAN MOAN !!!

OK - BLOG - DONE - OVER AND OUT !! XXX ( for now !! ) xx

Blogging in a Pituitary Tumour / Cortisol - PTSD LOW - SUICIDAL - CRISIS TEAM INVOLVED

Blogging in a Pituitary Tumour / Cortisol - PTSD LOW - SUICIDAL - CRISIS TEAM INVOLVED

Ok - I have been asked to BLOG while in a low - and ok - here it is - ( I have taken 5 x Diazapam to TRY to calm me down so this may show as I type ??! )  I am bloody totally and fucking unbelieveably sobbing as I fucking type - unable to fucking stop - no control - I feel totally bloody low and unwanted and ffs unrespected and not bloody useful and not needed , I DONT FUCKING WANT TO BE HERE - I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE - ITS NOT ME - THIS ISNT ABBY- FOR FUCK SAKE- I AM FUCKING HAPPY - NOT A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH ... why do I fucking bother going on - BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE LIFE, I LOVE MY KIDS AND FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND ANIMALS - But = If I go - then THEY ARE SET FREE, they no longer have to see me so fucking bloody upset - or so utterly desperate - Fucking Rocking in the corner - and have to listen to the bloody incessant moaning and fucking irritating over analysing and Paranoia - Its totally exhausting for them - as well as me, I CANT FUCKING STOP AND I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE AND PRESSURE IN MY HEAD - AND I CANT STOP THINKING PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE ME JUMP - OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFS

( Added Later ! - Cortisol is a steroid hormone, in the glucocorticoid class of hormones, and is produced in humans by the zona fasciculata of the adrenal cortex within the adrenal gland. It is released in response to stress and low blood glucose. )

I am Rational with it ( Added later - I AM NOT RATIONAL - AND ALOT OF MY WORDS THAT COME OUT MAKE NO SENCE !! ) - I am able to fucking think ( Added later - NO I CANT THINK- EVERYTHING GOES AT 400 TIMES A MINUTE - AND I JUST GO WITH IT  !! ) - but unable to stop my actions - I scream and shout, Ohhh I don't mean controlled screaming and shouting - this is totally fucking unbelieveable - the words I use and the fucking things I say just come out- at the moment I am in a HUGE FUCKING LOW and I know when I get like this all I can bloody do is swear and type - I cant bloody talk as I have to think about bloody talking - but typing I don't fucking think - it comes naturally - but - if I try to explain my thoughts or reactions - then I sound fucking stupid - I stutter and fucking mumble and make up new words and my whole fucking brain is on shut down - BUT - doing this - OMFG - this just is flowing out of me - I am totally at 5000 miles an hour and can type everything .... ( This sentence was said in my head as I was typing - but obviously I didn't type in the stutter I would have done if I was saying it !! - that's silly !! )

Kids call me Tourettes Mummy as when in a low I can swear - out of sheer frustration - and it doesn't matter who hears me or where I am or what I say - even the words I HATE WITH A PASSION I use freely - Its the most bizarre thing in the world .. In normal life - I swear - but NO WHERE AS MUCH AS THAT WRITTEN ABOVE ..

When a low starts - I am usually triggered - and that could be anything from a 'look' from anyone - to someone being rude - ok ok - what I class as being rude - could be a non 'thank you' from a car driver - to someone not saying thank you for holding a door open ( But with this I would probably usually just shout out after them - and then leave it - but again something I usually wouldn't do - but when in a low like this - I get very irrational and totally blatant and so very uncaring ) - uncaring people can start me off - people who are being fucking aggressive - passive - arrogant - Intimidating people = Ohh if I get tired, giddy, cant talk, I know im going in a low - ohh any of these and I sometimes will  blow - IF I CAN I make it back to the car - if I am out - and there I could sit and bang my head on the screen or hit my head with my hands - it starts a HUGE pressure in my head - SCREAMING - SHOUTING - TALKING IT ALL THROUGH with myself out loud - if people stand and stare - I wil scream at them - " What are you fucking looking at "- they ALWAYS walk off !! - all very odd behaviour - if I am at home - obviously I am relaxed - and omg- all hell could break loose - not through meaning too - I NOW HAVE NO CONTROL - I scream shout throw things - and if someone is aggressive towards me - THEN I DONT BACK DOWN - AT ALL - I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT IF SOMEONE TRIED TO BE VIOLENT TOWARDS ME - I WOULD WIN - I have sooo much cortisol through my veins that NOTHING ( ADDED LATER - apart from medication )  will stop me normally -

Even the Crisis Team have said  -
STUTTERING - Abby - whats the matter - calm down - I CANT FUCKING CALM DOWN - ( OMG I can get things out that I don't need to think about ! ) what started it off - f.f.f.f.f.f.f.f.f - UUUUUUUUUUUUNABLE TO TALK - FUCK - ( ADDED LATER - can always swear - but not out of rudeness out of frustration )
Take your mind off it - I CANT - IM STUCK
Go and sit in the Garden - I CANT THE KIDS ARE OUT THERE AND I DONT WANT TO UPSET THEM
Go and listen to music - I CANT AS THE MUSIC MAKES THE PRESSURE IN MY HEAD GET WORSE AND I START A HEADACHE BEHIND MY EYES
Read a Book - I CANT AS I CANT CONCENTRATE AND WHEN I TRY I GET HUGE PAIN IN MY EYES AND THEN I FORGET WHAT I HAVE READ - AND THEN GET FRUSTRATED ..
Go and Blog - I Cant as my ex is in there and he Triggers me as I am far too much for him to cope with - NOT HIS FAULT - Im too much for anyone to cope with ..
Have you tried Meditation or Yoga Abby - OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TRIGGER - IF YOU WERE HERE ID HEADBUTT YOU - WOULD YOU TELL THE HULK TO FUCKING MEDITATE ?? IT IS MEDICAL - NOT MENTAL = You have say 12mg of Cortisol in your Blood - at this point I could have
Well Abby - What helps you when you are like this - TAKING A FUCKING OVERDOSE SO IT SENDS ME TO ABILAND - OK OK -  AND TAKING DIAZEPAM - 5 X TABS USUALLY WORK - BUT HAVE TAKEN UPTO 17 AT ONCE BEFORE NOW - I have been told this just counteracts the Cortisol - IT NEVER SENDS ME TO SLEEP !! - Just brings me back to normal !!- LMAO - NORMAL !! - STOP LAUGHING
ABBY - MEDICATE - GO MEDICATE - and that was my phone call !!!  - The Crisis Team are now on the phone to the Crisis Team - I have sent them over the edge - sorry !!!

Now I have forgotton - OHHH SHIT !!

OK - Had dinner now, and the Diazepam has kicked in ! - and I have calmed down - and no - I didn't sing incy wincy spider - or do any colouring or Lick windows - ITS MEDICAL NOT MENTAL - ( Im gonna have that on my Grave stone ! )

MOST People have the amount of Cortisol in their blood as shown in the Table below (1) - my HIGHEST limit has been 1452 before now - MMMMMMM -  A tad higher than THE HIGHEST !! That's how I am so ADAMENT - that I HAVE NO FUCKING CONTROL AND NO YOGA AND MEDITATION DOES NOT WIN OVER BLOODY HORMONAL IMBALANCES

( Im going to leave it there - I cant re-read it back - so if it makes no sence I do apologise - but - that's me in a low - Maybe it wil struck - ?? Hit a cord with someone ?? - Maybe it will help someone understand that they are not the only one out there that goes through this crap - AND IM SURE SOMEONE OUT THERE CAN HELP - I HAVNT FOUND ANYONE YET - BUT - EVENTUALLY - I CANT BE LEFT LIKE THIS - POSITIVITY IS THE KEY - AND WHEN IM ME - I AM POSITIVE = AND PLEASE PARDON THE SWEARING - That's not me - that's HULK ME !!

(1) Reference ranges for blood plasma content of free cortisol

Time	Lower limit	Upper limit	Unit
09:00 am	140[48]	700[48]	nmol/L
	5[49]	25[49]	μg/dL
Midnight	80[48]	350[48]	nmol/L
	2.9[49]	13[49]	μg/dill

BBW - SSBBW deserve respect - Big for different reasons - NON OF WHICH ARE YOUR BUSINESS -

Big Beautiful Women - deserve respect - They are Big for different reasons - NON OF WHICH ARE YOUR BUSINESS -

"Big Beautiful Woman" (commonly abbreviated as BBW) is a euphemism for an overweight woman and is frequently used in the context of fat fetishism. The terms "Big Beautiful Women" and "BBW" were coined by Carole Shaw in 1979, when she launched BBW Magazine, a fashion and lifestyle magazine for "plus-size" women.

There is a cumulative product of a woman's skeletal structure and the quantity and distribution of muscle and fat on the body. As with most physical traits, there is a wide range of normality of female body shapes - EVERYONE IS AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE REST ....STOP THE STEREO TYPING ... FAT / DISABLED ETC IS NOT UGLY - Its is just Different, and still to be adored ...

This Blog is a celebration of the big woman and her soft warm voluptuous fleshy form - clothed or semi-clad (or tastefully nude) and/or of her round sunny radiant face that gives happy pleasure to those who see her. Some Ladies may not FEEL like a beautiful woman, because fatness equates with ugliness in our society, but you can always try to express your inner strength and beauty, tenderness and femininity, and be creative with how you photograph yourself to express the TRUE beauty of the big woman you are .....

The "fat girl with the pretty face" is a common cliche, but I have seen gorgeous women with stunning features with obese FAT bodies who have the men drooling. Interestingly, the straight guys seem to love them. I think most women carry extra weight better than men, but that's just personall opinion ...

The late 19th century was a time when full-figured women were admired. The ideal figure was the 'hour glass' shaped, big bust and hips, small waist, so women wore corsets to squeeze themselves in in the middle. If you look at photographs of admired beauties from the period, like Lillian Russell or Lillie Langtry for example, you will see that they are quite solid-looking ladies.

 The late 17th century also seems to have been a period when the fuller figure was admired, portraits of women generally seem to show them looking quite fleshy.

In general, though, the slim figure has been considered the most attractive for women, if you look at ancient Egyptian art for example, all the women are slender, as they generally are in Grecian art, and in medieval art, and in the earl modern period prior to the late 17th century. And certainly slenderness was very fashionable in the 18th and early 19th century, 'fairylike' was considered to be a huge compliment to a woman, and girls starved themselves to get the requisite slender figure.

I think each and everyone of us our beautiful in our own unique ways. I dont think that being fat is considered ugly or unattractive, this is applicable to both the men and women. I am a beautiful BIG fat woman, I have great fair skin, I have a cute face with very attractive eyes.. though Im fat, im actually  really pretty. :) as im told DAILY by loads of people men and women !

British women are officially the fattest in Europe. Well, hoorah for us. Of all the labels we could have picked up – the drunkest, the laziest, the most promiscuous – this one can't be that bad, can it?

ADVERTISING

And what about those people who actually choose to be fat? A growing group of overweight activists claim it's OK and healthy to be overweight. Fat activism, as they call it – yes that's a thing now – is about recognising that all bodies are fine. Nowadays, the 'fat movement' is all about challenging prejudices.

The word 'fat' can mean different things to different people and is often used in a negative way.
However, some claim you can live a normal and healthy life and still be fat. Take a "perfect size 28", who says fat is "not an ugly word".
Then there's Miranda Cheesman, a stand-up comic, who has created a club night in London expressly for the plus-size woman. She believes you can "look good, be fat, be inspirational and aspirational”. Then there are all the videos on facebook and youtube for BBW and SSBBW - THEY ROCK !!

PITUITARY TUMOUR PATIENT - OVERDOSE, CRISIS TEAM - WHATA DAY !!

OK OK - ANOTHER UPDATE ( Paul Green STOP YAWNING !! ) OK - Had the Crisis Team here today after the OD last week - OBVIOUSLY NEEDED TO DO THAT A WHOLE LOT SOONER TO GET SOME BLOODY HELP !! = Anyways - Two LOVELY ladies turned up at 9.30am - YAWNNN -

 Thank god I was dressed as I had actually had more than enough today and had stayed in bed - and just by chance I picked up the phone - Cause - anyone that KNOWS me - knows I wont answer the phone and have actually unplugged my landline cause it DRIVES ME INSAIN !!
Anyway - Tracked Alan down - Ohhh No I didn't - lmao - AFTER 6 FRANTIC phone calls and eventual Message telling him he was a bastard and if he think he can stay away Just so the Men in White Coats can take me away - then he has another thing coming - Anyway - he phoned back immediately - Was in chemist getting my prescription - Oppsy !! = and he was on his way home right then !! = PHEW !!..... Anyways

 The Crisis Team arrived, PeggatyPawz Informed them that if they tried to remove me - they would have HER to get through first - OHHH GOOD DOG PEGGS ! =
Anyway the crisis team consisted of a NEURO Psychiatrist - ( Wheww whewww they listened ! ) and a Support worker who was lovely but about 10 !! They basically TOLD me what my symptoms were - Ohh I was impressed by this point and lol - ok - I couldn't stop chatting - I was at 10thousand miles an hour at this point !! and basically they listened and listened and listened and listened ... and listened ! = I told them THEM EVERYTHING !! - LMAO - I have no worries about anything - I will talk to anyone that listens = lmao
That's when Alan chiped something in that I DID NOT AGREE WITH - lmao - AND I WENT FOR HIM - The two crisis workers stepped back - well - I hadn't left them standing - they kinda reeled back in their seat ! and just listened to me go on and on and on at him - lmao - and It ended with them saying ' So We think Alan could be one of your triggers - anything inparticular ?? ' I just looked at them and said ' Breathing !! ' - They were in hysterics and even I find it funny - as the poor bloke is actually TRYING TO HELP !! I went off on one again about all my little idiosyncrasy's and what triggers I have - LMAO - OK by now I was starting to think I WAS A MENTAL HEALTH PATIENT as lmao - as I do have one hell of a lot of triggers - even if your rude to me - I FLY !!!
OK OK OK - WAFFLEING NOW ..

 The end of the matter they 100% would take my plight on and they would get me to see a NeuroPsychologist of a decent level who will understand that It is out of my control my Rages - BUT - Who may help me with Self Confidence ( way down deep apparently I have low self esteem - I didn't tell them about the selfies I do and the near naked pics that I post if I feel the need - if you got it - flaunt it !! and im sorry - BBW's HAVE IT !!! ... Erm - lack of confidence - ok !! 
Also I am having a Medical review as they do not think I am depressed - but have a HUGE sence of loss at everything that has been taken away from me, and the fact that I feel I am a burden - and cant go out without someone, JUST IN CASE I Rip someones Head Off - as - They said - Its Medical - and I couldn't be put away for it !! - WHEWW WHEWW !! = BULLIES AT SCHOOL - WATCH OUT - IM COMING TO GET CHA ! ( FBI WHO ARE READING MY POSTS - OHHH I KNOW YOU ARE - THAT WAS A JOKE !! )

  - They are also going to be doing visiting daily = and if I want to go for a coffee - they will take me - so I don't feel a burden to Alan or Mum Or Gaye - The ONLY three people that have been there through it all - ( Although special thanks must be given to Bestie Dawn, Jaimi., Emily, Jacq, Sandie, Clare, Nick and Mark who have been there for me the whole entire time - always on the end of the phone or txt - wiling to listen ) OK - So - that's my update - lmao - OMG I CAN TALK - AND THIS ISNT HALF OF IT !!! = My phone went half way through the interview - and me being me - hadn't changed the bloody ring tone -

THIS IS THE WORDING TO MY RING TONE ! -
Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.
And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

THEY WERE IN HYSTERICS AS I COULDNT TURN THE BLOODY THING OFF, AND OF COURSE - I WAS INTO NEAR HYSTERIA AND PMSL !!
NOW YOU CAN GO TO THE LOO AND MAKE A CUPPA - THANK YOU FOR READING - IF U HAVNT FALLEN ASLEEP HAVE A LOVELY EVENING !! XX

Whata weekend - alone and overdosed, thats what a Pituitary Brain Tumour Does - Makes you STUPID - ohh and then there was Mr Grey !!!

Yup - as it says on the tin - I went into a real low - and no-body took me seriously - as it has happened many many times before - I had rung Family - and NOTHING - Not even a text back - and stil no txt - so - I guess I know where I stand there ! - Maybe I shouldn't be Blogging at the moment - as I have been told I could go into Toxic Shock at any time, and am Still not 100% as just had another episode and taken 6 Diazapam- Just to Calm Myself down -IT'S NOT A CRY FOR HELP WHAT SO EVER ! - Its a loss of memory capacity and a lack of Vision and Positivity ( Which I am usualy full of in abundance ) BUT - for those of you who have read my other blogs - you may see a change in writing - ?? Maybe this will help the others that have contacted me saying to write a blog in a LOW - as this will help them .. so .. here goes ...

Actually - Im still trying to be friendly and happy and buck everyone else up - I DONT want my illness to upset anyone - I really just don't wana be here anymore - and HATE being a Burden to anyone - esp the EX - who is the ONLY one here at the moment who is ACTUALLY taking me seriously - Maybe because he has been the only one to be with me at doctors and consultants and HEARD them tell me I have the Bloody Brain Tumour ! If he hadn't - he has said - he wouldn't have stood for the behaviour as it is so extreme, screaming, shouting, abusive, aggressive, wont back down, and then just unbelieveable and uncontrollable crying - can you have hysterical upset crying - sobbing - well - that's it - x 100 !!

Lowest of the Low - I phoned Family - 3 times and got NO RESPONCE = Probably Abby just being a pain again - " I cant help ! " attitude, and I have MANY MANY people who I have never met saying to me, If this happens again PHONE ME - and they bloody mean it- They take it at face value, and believe im NOT Playing and NOT putting it on, and NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY- I Have had enough - NOT a threat, Just reality ... BUT Take Diazapam, and I forget those feelings and calm right down ..... Still huge pressure in my head atm - but I can deal with it- its the unwanted feelings I cant deal with - and the feeling of my being a Burden- The EX and I have split up - and yet - he is the only one to help and try to be there for me - ( Mum and Dad are in Australia at the moment seeing my brother - and, NO- I didn't expect them to put it off = he is there son too !!.

I go through this regularly - and I DID Think Id have support in the form of other family members - I do - BUT - I am just far too much to take on - I get that now - I know I can post this as My Parents arnt reading this while they are away - I would NEVER hurt them with cruel words as I know they are trying their best - BUT - Enoughs enough - My Bestie EVER told me I was selfish, and everyone has their problems and to stop attention seeking - and that's someone who works with ill people - she said that she sees this daily with people that have been told they are going to die in a few weeks ( Be aware all her clients are Elderly )  - and I went and did this - she was so disappointed in me and well came across that she hated me - Hasn't even been in touch today - and I gave up trying to explain that IT IS NOT ME - ITS THE FUCKING TUMOUR MAKING ME IRRATIONAL AND PARANOID AND WELL - PLAIN STUPID - When Im ME - I am Confident - Friendly -Articulate - and a bloody nice person, and she of all people should be able to understand that id never do anything like this! When the Head takes over im all the opposite things - and some ... - I come across as Stupid when my head is off on one - I stutter and cant talk and cant get words out - I am totally giddy and can walk - everything hurts - I can only talk about my problems and all at TOP TOP SPEED - It wears everyone out - I can talk and talk and talk - for hours and not stop - people can take me for about 20 minutes without having to stop and gather their own thoughts - I DONT STOP ! - I cant understand or communicate that I know anyone else has issues -

ITS ALL ABOUT ME ME ME ME - and I hate that - as - when I am ME - I always try to be there for my friends and well - anyone - and be the best I can be by being happy and funny and cheerer upper !! I LOVE THAT SIDE OF ME !!  This side I HATE - Hence taking a mixture of 26 extra strong 500mg Paracetamol, Ibruprofen, Codene, and Co-Codamol - I REITERATE - IN MY RIGHT MIND - I DONT WANT TO DO THIS - But - I wasn't in my right mind !!! I even looked up on my phone how many to take ! = I took them - started crying and the EX came upstairs - I told him what I had done as the packets were on the bed - and he just went away ..... well - fine I thought - and just sat there crying - I tried again to call a family member - but nothing - Im Unimportant - All I needed to do was TALK - BUT - No - They were far to preoccupied with what they were doing - After being told all my life tha I always have Family to back me up - I have found - actually I don't - so - yes ok - some of this may well be psychological - as I am MESSED UP - Being told Family is Number one - and then finding actually its not = is FUCKING DIFFICULT to come to terms with ( Ohh My Aunt is the ONLY one who would have been here in a flash - BUT - She is ill and I couldn't put any more on her - Everyone uses her as a stepping Mat and its NOT fair as she is the lovliest person you could meet and is always there then needed, BUT - has her own problems and I DONT WANT TO ADD TO THOSE )

Anyways - The EX came back upstairs after about 10 minutes - and I was, by this time inconsolable again - BUT - he had a woman on the phone talking him through things - I cant remember what was said - NOT Drugged up - but my head was on overdrive and racing, I couldn't think at all - I can remember the dog peeking round the door and looking at me - then turning round and kinda sayin - ' Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit ' = But that's it- then there was a knock at the door - FFS - I thought - FUCK OFF - JUST FUCK OFF - shouting - yup that's me - tactful as ever -

 The Ambulance had turned up - all within 25 mins - Cant complain at that - A lady - VERY NICE, calming - I stuttered out what I could to answer - and told her it was my head and NOT a suicide attempt - BUT - I just wanted to stop my bloody head from racing , and stop all the thoughts and Pressure - and I couldn't think of what else to do - OHHHHHHHHHHHHH CONTRADICTION - MAYBE IT WASNT A SUICIDE ATTEMPT  - I just don't know =

I told her I hadn't taken as many as I had - as I DIDNT WANT TO GO TO HOSPITAL - LMAO - THERE IS NO WAY THEY WOULD BE TAKING ME AWAY FROM MY BEDROOM !!  - She told me that that amount of tablets ( the lesser amount )  could have started burning a hole in my stomach and cause me to go into Toxic Shock - for at least the next four days - So- I should go into Hospital for the to keep an eye on me - and to get the psychiatric team to take a look at me - OHHHHHHHH HERE WE GO AGAIN - I told her I had seen three Psychologists and the Mental Health Team - and they had all signed me off almost straight away - as this condition is MEDICAL AND NOT MENTAL - Well - as soon as she said about the Psychiatric team - That's it I WAS GOING NO WHERE - as another consultant had told me NEVER to let them take me - as if they did - it would be a vicious circle that I wouldn't get out of - My Condition is RARE - and consultants don't even get it !!

OMG - ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR - and bloody hell - ALERT - ALERT - HOTTIE ALERT - lmao - ok ok - Abby was BACK IN DA ROOM !!! =  Now the first Ambulance driver was lovely - he was chatty and relaxing and asking all about my illness - BUT GOODNES ME the second was GORGEOUS !!!! - Beautiful eyes - Stubble - Tall, Dark Haired OHHHHHHHHHHH SWOON !!! - and almost immediately my sences started coming back - SUCH A TART !!! = anyways - the first medic even said the change in me was so huge - my speech, thought processes - everything came back really quickly - They took Blood Pressure - ( Which was fine ) Blood to check suger levels ( Normal ) and then the ECG - LMAO- they were shocked - apparently it was a reading for an 80 year old - lmao - and im 40 - BUT - That's what my Illness is - its an illness for an 80 year old !! = and actually MR Handsome - knew quite a lot about Pituitary Tumours I was MOST Impressed = UNTIL he looked at the other Medic and kinda under his breath said " Its VERY Rare " = and then kinda looked as if he was VERY UNBELIEVEING !! =Well - that's started me off again - Head started going and crying and Ohhhhhhhhhh - I nearly wanted to HeadButt Mr Handsome there and then HOW DARE HE SUGGEST ( Ok OK = He didn't actually suggest - but made me feel like he did - ) THAT I WAS LYING -  Paranoia ???? I don't know - But - The Lady suggested I took some Diazapam - lol - and the medic looked at her and just said omg she is going to rattle ! ( As this was on top of the meds I took in the morning for the Hypothyroidism and Blood Pressure etc !! )

The Lady Medic then said she needed to make a call to the trauma Team and Neurology to make sure I was OK to be left - As I said I wasn't going anywhere - STUBBON TO A TEE ME !! = Anyways - The dose I TOLD her wasn't enough to Force me to go in - and because of my weight ( LMAO- One time I want to be a Fatty !! ) The amount I took was ok for them to leave me under Alan supervision - Thank God I didn't tell them how many I really took ... Cause they defo would have had a fight on their hands, getting me out - Even Mr Handsome WAS NOT IN MY GOOD BOOKS AND COULDNT HAVE COAXED ME OUT ! and at this point there was NO WAY I was even going into Cadiac Arrest JUST to get his lips on mine - UNBELIEVEING GIT !!! ... Anyways - They Told Me that at any time I could Go Into Toxic Shock and Have Stomach Bleeds and if I spotted any Blood = to go straight to A&E ....... Mmmmmm - Scare Mongering ...... Just before they left the Nice medic - Opened the Curtains ( Which ad been shut while Breasticles were moved for the ECG ) and spotted my book collection - well - He started Coughing - and said NO WONDER I didn't feel right as I read a very " Ambigous " - type of book - the other two looked at him and Mr Handsome - looked rather interested and said " - 50 Shades " = LMAO - OMG THEN They both proceeded to tell me it wasn't any good- and wasn't life like and omg - went into great details - I was flabbergasted - Ive only read the first chapter of the first book for god sake !! - They then went into fits of giggles and looked at me very peculiarly - Mmmmmmmm - I know your game mate I thought - You think yourself a bit of a Christian Grey you do !! = Ohhhhhhhhh I was thinking of Cardiac Arrests again - BEHAVE WOMAN !!

Well as you can tell - I was feeling better - then and now - and they had a quick chat with Alan downstairs - and then left - lol - after 5 Diazapam and an amalgamation of many MANY other drugs I was a Tad Tired - so fell asleep !!

24 hours later and I feel heady - have had one more Flipping episode - Stomach hurts a bit - and is quite tender, there is a bit of blood - but nothing im worried about and OMG Passing of wind SMELLS !!! - Sorry = But - Say it as it is that's me !! so - FOR THE RECORD - IF YOUR ALL THE WAY TO THE END - THE MORAL OF THIS - DONT BOTHER - IT DOES NO GOOD - GET TO THE DOCTOR - AND ASK TO BE REFERED AGAIN ... AND AGAIN ... AND AGAIN .... SOMEONE SOMEWHERE WILL HELP !

ohhhhh and to my FACEBOOK Friends who were there for me - THANK YOU - You lot - people who have problems themselves - ARE THE BEST FRIENDS ANYONE COULD WISH FOR ( Esp Nick, Jacq, Timbo, LauraBird, Mark & Sandie - you SIX are AMAZING and i love to you to pieces - THANK YOU ) Adam - Your wonderful too - you know that - but I didn't contact you as you have enough worries - IF I FORGOT ANYONE - SORRY ! xxx