Actually - Im still trying to be friendly and happy and buck everyone else up - I DONT want my illness to upset anyone - I really just don't wana be here anymore - and HATE being a Burden to anyone - esp the EX - who is the ONLY one here at the moment who is ACTUALLY taking me seriously - Maybe because he has been the only one to be with me at doctors and consultants and HEARD them tell me I have the Bloody Brain Tumour ! If he hadn't - he has said - he wouldn't have stood for the behaviour as it is so extreme, screaming, shouting, abusive, aggressive, wont back down, and then just unbelieveable and uncontrollable crying - can you have hysterical upset crying - sobbing - well - that's it - x 100 !!
Lowest of the Low - I phoned Family - 3 times and got NO RESPONCE = Probably Abby just being a pain again - " I cant help ! " attitude, and I have MANY MANY people who I have never met saying to me, If this happens again PHONE ME - and they bloody mean it- They take it at face value, and believe im NOT Playing and NOT putting it on, and NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY- I Have had enough - NOT a threat, Just reality ... BUT Take Diazapam, and I forget those feelings and calm right down ..... Still huge pressure in my head atm - but I can deal with it- its the unwanted feelings I cant deal with - and the feeling of my being a Burden- The EX and I have split up - and yet - he is the only one to help and try to be there for me - ( Mum and Dad are in Australia at the moment seeing my brother - and, NO- I didn't expect them to put it off = he is there son too !!.
I go through this regularly - and I DID Think Id have support in the form of other family members - I do - BUT - I am just far too much to take on - I get that now - I know I can post this as My Parents arnt reading this while they are away - I would NEVER hurt them with cruel words as I know they are trying their best - BUT - Enoughs enough - My Bestie EVER told me I was selfish, and everyone has their problems and to stop attention seeking - and that's someone who works with ill people - she said that she sees this daily with people that have been told they are going to die in a few weeks ( Be aware all her clients are Elderly ) - and I went and did this - she was so disappointed in me and well came across that she hated me - Hasn't even been in touch today - and I gave up trying to explain that IT IS NOT ME - ITS THE FUCKING TUMOUR MAKING ME IRRATIONAL AND PARANOID AND WELL - PLAIN STUPID - When Im ME - I am Confident - Friendly -Articulate - and a bloody nice person, and she of all people should be able to understand that id never do anything like this! When the Head takes over im all the opposite things - and some ... - I come across as Stupid when my head is off on one - I stutter and cant talk and cant get words out - I am totally giddy and can walk - everything hurts - I can only talk about my problems and all at TOP TOP SPEED - It wears everyone out - I can talk and talk and talk - for hours and not stop - people can take me for about 20 minutes without having to stop and gather their own thoughts - I DONT STOP ! - I cant understand or communicate that I know anyone else has issues -
ITS ALL ABOUT ME ME ME ME - and I hate that - as - when I am ME - I always try to be there for my friends and well - anyone - and be the best I can be by being happy and funny and cheerer upper !! I LOVE THAT SIDE OF ME !! This side I HATE - Hence taking a mixture of 26 extra strong 500mg Paracetamol, Ibruprofen, Codene, and Co-Codamol - I REITERATE - IN MY RIGHT MIND - I DONT WANT TO DO THIS - But - I wasn't in my right mind !!! I even looked up on my phone how many to take ! = I took them - started crying and the EX came upstairs - I told him what I had done as the packets were on the bed - and he just went away ..... well - fine I thought - and just sat there crying - I tried again to call a family member - but nothing - Im Unimportant - All I needed to do was TALK - BUT - No - They were far to preoccupied with what they were doing - After being told all my life tha I always have Family to back me up - I have found - actually I don't - so - yes ok - some of this may well be psychological - as I am MESSED UP - Being told Family is Number one - and then finding actually its not = is FUCKING DIFFICULT to come to terms with ( Ohh My Aunt is the ONLY one who would have been here in a flash - BUT - She is ill and I couldn't put any more on her - Everyone uses her as a stepping Mat and its NOT fair as she is the lovliest person you could meet and is always there then needed, BUT - has her own problems and I DONT WANT TO ADD TO THOSE )
Anyways - The EX came back upstairs after about 10 minutes - and I was, by this time inconsolable again - BUT - he had a woman on the phone talking him through things - I cant remember what was said - NOT Drugged up - but my head was on overdrive and racing, I couldn't think at all - I can remember the dog peeking round the door and looking at me - then turning round and kinda sayin - ' Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit ' = But that's it- then there was a knock at the door - FFS - I thought - FUCK OFF - JUST FUCK OFF - shouting - yup that's me - tactful as ever -
The Ambulance had turned up - all within 25 mins - Cant complain at that - A lady - VERY NICE, calming - I stuttered out what I could to answer - and told her it was my head and NOT a suicide attempt - BUT - I just wanted to stop my bloody head from racing , and stop all the thoughts and Pressure - and I couldn't think of what else to do - OHHHHHHHHHHHHH CONTRADICTION - MAYBE IT WASNT A SUICIDE ATTEMPT - I just don't know =
I told her I hadn't taken as many as I had - as I DIDNT WANT TO GO TO HOSPITAL - LMAO - THERE IS NO WAY THEY WOULD BE TAKING ME AWAY FROM MY BEDROOM !! - She told me that that amount of tablets ( the lesser amount ) could have started burning a hole in my stomach and cause me to go into Toxic Shock - for at least the next four days - So- I should go into Hospital for the to keep an eye on me - and to get the psychiatric team to take a look at me - OHHHHHHHH HERE WE GO AGAIN - I told her I had seen three Psychologists and the Mental Health Team - and they had all signed me off almost straight away - as this condition is MEDICAL AND NOT MENTAL - Well - as soon as she said about the Psychiatric team - That's it I WAS GOING NO WHERE - as another consultant had told me NEVER to let them take me - as if they did - it would be a vicious circle that I wouldn't get out of - My Condition is RARE - and consultants don't even get it !!
OMG - ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR - and bloody hell - ALERT - ALERT - HOTTIE ALERT - lmao - ok ok - Abby was BACK IN DA ROOM !!! = Now the first Ambulance driver was lovely - he was chatty and relaxing and asking all about my illness - BUT GOODNES ME the second was GORGEOUS !!!! - Beautiful eyes - Stubble - Tall, Dark Haired OHHHHHHHHHHH SWOON !!! - and almost immediately my sences started coming back - SUCH A TART !!! = anyways - the first medic even said the change in me was so huge - my speech, thought processes - everything came back really quickly - They took Blood Pressure - ( Which was fine ) Blood to check suger levels ( Normal ) and then the ECG - LMAO- they were shocked - apparently it was a reading for an 80 year old - lmao - and im 40 - BUT - That's what my Illness is - its an illness for an 80 year old !! = and actually MR Handsome - knew quite a lot about Pituitary Tumours I was MOST Impressed = UNTIL he looked at the other Medic and kinda under his breath said " Its VERY Rare " = and then kinda looked as if he was VERY UNBELIEVEING !! =Well - that's started me off again - Head started going and crying and Ohhhhhhhhhh - I nearly wanted to HeadButt Mr Handsome there and then HOW DARE HE SUGGEST ( Ok OK = He didn't actually suggest - but made me feel like he did - ) THAT I WAS LYING - Paranoia ???? I don't know - But - The Lady suggested I took some Diazapam - lol - and the medic looked at her and just said omg she is going to rattle ! ( As this was on top of the meds I took in the morning for the Hypothyroidism and Blood Pressure etc !! )
The Lady Medic then said she needed to make a call to the trauma Team and Neurology to make sure I was OK to be left - As I said I wasn't going anywhere - STUBBON TO A TEE ME !! = Anyways - The dose I TOLD her wasn't enough to Force me to go in - and because of my weight ( LMAO- One time I want to be a Fatty !! ) The amount I took was ok for them to leave me under Alan supervision - Thank God I didn't tell them how many I really took ... Cause they defo would have had a fight on their hands, getting me out - Even Mr Handsome WAS NOT IN MY GOOD BOOKS AND COULDNT HAVE COAXED ME OUT ! and at this point there was NO WAY I was even going into Cadiac Arrest JUST to get his lips on mine - UNBELIEVEING GIT !!! ... Anyways - They Told Me that at any time I could Go Into Toxic Shock and Have Stomach Bleeds and if I spotted any Blood = to go straight to A&E ....... Mmmmmm - Scare Mongering ...... Just before they left the Nice medic - Opened the Curtains ( Which ad been shut while Breasticles were moved for the ECG ) and spotted my book collection - well - He started Coughing - and said NO WONDER I didn't feel right as I read a very " Ambigous " - type of book - the other two looked at him and Mr Handsome - looked rather interested and said " - 50 Shades " = LMAO - OMG THEN They both proceeded to tell me it wasn't any good- and wasn't life like and omg - went into great details - I was flabbergasted - Ive only read the first chapter of the first book for god sake !! - They then went into fits of giggles and looked at me very peculiarly - Mmmmmmmm - I know your game mate I thought - You think yourself a bit of a Christian Grey you do !! = Ohhhhhhhhh I was thinking of Cardiac Arrests again - BEHAVE WOMAN !!
Well as you can tell - I was feeling better - then and now - and they had a quick chat with Alan downstairs - and then left - lol - after 5 Diazapam and an amalgamation of many MANY other drugs I was a Tad Tired - so fell asleep !!
24 hours later and I feel heady - have had one more Flipping episode - Stomach hurts a bit - and is quite tender, there is a bit of blood - but nothing im worried about and OMG Passing of wind SMELLS !!! - Sorry = But - Say it as it is that's me !! so - FOR THE RECORD - IF YOUR ALL THE WAY TO THE END - THE MORAL OF THIS - DONT BOTHER - IT DOES NO GOOD - GET TO THE DOCTOR - AND ASK TO BE REFERED AGAIN ... AND AGAIN ... AND AGAIN .... SOMEONE SOMEWHERE WILL HELP !
ohhhhh and to my FACEBOOK Friends who were there for me - THANK YOU - You lot - people who have problems themselves - ARE THE BEST FRIENDS ANYONE COULD WISH FOR ( Esp Nick, Jacq, Timbo, LauraBird, Mark & Sandie - you SIX are AMAZING and i love to you to pieces - THANK YOU ) Adam - Your wonderful too - you know that - but I didn't contact you as you have enough worries - IF I FORGOT ANYONE - SORRY ! xxx
Your always a pleasure Abster never a pain x x x
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