Ok - I have been asked to BLOG while in a low - and ok - here it is - ( I have taken 5 x Diazapam to TRY to calm me down so this may show as I type ??! ) I am bloody totally and fucking unbelieveably sobbing as I fucking type - unable to fucking stop - no control - I feel totally bloody low and unwanted and ffs unrespected and not bloody useful and not needed , I DONT FUCKING WANT TO BE HERE - I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE - ITS NOT ME - THIS ISNT ABBY- FOR FUCK SAKE- I AM FUCKING HAPPY - NOT A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH ... why do I fucking bother going on - BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE LIFE, I LOVE MY KIDS AND FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND ANIMALS - But = If I go - then THEY ARE SET FREE, they no longer have to see me so fucking bloody upset - or so utterly desperate - Fucking Rocking in the corner - and have to listen to the bloody incessant moaning and fucking irritating over analysing and Paranoia - Its totally exhausting for them - as well as me, I CANT FUCKING STOP AND I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE AND PRESSURE IN MY HEAD - AND I CANT STOP THINKING PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE ME JUMP - OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFS
( Added Later ! - Cortisol is a steroid hormone, in the glucocorticoid class of hormones, and is produced in humans by the zona fasciculata of the adrenal cortex within the adrenal gland. It is released in response to stress and low blood glucose. )
I am Rational with it ( Added later - I AM NOT RATIONAL - AND ALOT OF MY WORDS THAT COME OUT MAKE NO SENCE !! ) - I am able to fucking think ( Added later - NO I CANT THINK- EVERYTHING GOES AT 400 TIMES A MINUTE - AND I JUST GO WITH IT !! ) - but unable to stop my actions - I scream and shout, Ohhh I don't mean controlled screaming and shouting - this is totally fucking unbelieveable - the words I use and the fucking things I say just come out- at the moment I am in a HUGE FUCKING LOW and I know when I get like this all I can bloody do is swear and type - I cant bloody talk as I have to think about bloody talking - but typing I don't fucking think - it comes naturally - but - if I try to explain my thoughts or reactions - then I sound fucking stupid - I stutter and fucking mumble and make up new words and my whole fucking brain is on shut down - BUT - doing this - OMFG - this just is flowing out of me - I am totally at 5000 miles an hour and can type everything .... ( This sentence was said in my head as I was typing - but obviously I didn't type in the stutter I would have done if I was saying it !! - that's silly !! )
Kids call me Tourettes Mummy as when in a low I can swear - out of sheer frustration - and it doesn't matter who hears me or where I am or what I say - even the words I HATE WITH A PASSION I use freely - Its the most bizarre thing in the world .. In normal life - I swear - but NO WHERE AS MUCH AS THAT WRITTEN ABOVE ..
When a low starts - I am usually triggered - and that could be anything from a 'look' from anyone - to someone being rude - ok ok - what I class as being rude - could be a non 'thank you' from a car driver - to someone not saying thank you for holding a door open ( But with this I would probably usually just shout out after them - and then leave it - but again something I usually wouldn't do - but when in a low like this - I get very irrational and totally blatant and so very uncaring ) - uncaring people can start me off - people who are being fucking aggressive - passive - arrogant - Intimidating people = Ohh if I get tired, giddy, cant talk, I know im going in a low - ohh any of these and I sometimes will blow - IF I CAN I make it back to the car - if I am out - and there I could sit and bang my head on the screen or hit my head with my hands - it starts a HUGE pressure in my head - SCREAMING - SHOUTING - TALKING IT ALL THROUGH with myself out loud - if people stand and stare - I wil scream at them - " What are you fucking looking at "- they ALWAYS walk off !! - all very odd behaviour - if I am at home - obviously I am relaxed - and omg- all hell could break loose - not through meaning too - I NOW HAVE NO CONTROL - I scream shout throw things - and if someone is aggressive towards me - THEN I DONT BACK DOWN - AT ALL - I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT IF SOMEONE TRIED TO BE VIOLENT TOWARDS ME - I WOULD WIN - I have sooo much cortisol through my veins that NOTHING ( ADDED LATER - apart from medication ) will stop me normally -
Even the Crisis Team have said -
STUTTERING - Abby - whats the matter - calm down - I CANT FUCKING CALM DOWN - ( OMG I can get things out that I don't need to think about ! ) what started it off - f.f.f.f.f.f.f.f.f - UUUUUUUUUUUUNABLE TO TALK - FUCK - ( ADDED LATER - can always swear - but not out of rudeness out of frustration )
Take your mind off it - I CANT - IM STUCK
Go and sit in the Garden - I CANT THE KIDS ARE OUT THERE AND I DONT WANT TO UPSET THEM
Go and listen to music - I CANT AS THE MUSIC MAKES THE PRESSURE IN MY HEAD GET WORSE AND I START A HEADACHE BEHIND MY EYES
Read a Book - I CANT AS I CANT CONCENTRATE AND WHEN I TRY I GET HUGE PAIN IN MY EYES AND THEN I FORGET WHAT I HAVE READ - AND THEN GET FRUSTRATED ..
Go and Blog - I Cant as my ex is in there and he Triggers me as I am far too much for him to cope with - NOT HIS FAULT - Im too much for anyone to cope with ..
Have you tried Meditation or Yoga Abby - OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TRIGGER - IF YOU WERE HERE ID HEADBUTT YOU - WOULD YOU TELL THE HULK TO FUCKING MEDITATE ?? IT IS MEDICAL - NOT MENTAL = You have say 12mg of Cortisol in your Blood - at this point I could have
Well Abby - What helps you when you are like this - TAKING A FUCKING OVERDOSE SO IT SENDS ME TO ABILAND - OK OK - AND TAKING DIAZEPAM - 5 X TABS USUALLY WORK - BUT HAVE TAKEN UPTO 17 AT ONCE BEFORE NOW - I have been told this just counteracts the Cortisol - IT NEVER SENDS ME TO SLEEP !! - Just brings me back to normal !!- LMAO - NORMAL !! - STOP LAUGHING
ABBY - MEDICATE - GO MEDICATE - and that was my phone call !!! - The Crisis Team are now on the phone to the Crisis Team - I have sent them over the edge - sorry !!!
Now I have forgotton - OHHH SHIT !!
OK - Had dinner now, and the Diazepam has kicked in ! - and I have calmed down - and no - I didn't sing incy wincy spider - or do any colouring or Lick windows - ITS MEDICAL NOT MENTAL - ( Im gonna have that on my Grave stone ! )
MOST People have the amount of Cortisol in their blood as shown in the Table below (1) - my HIGHEST limit has been 1452 before now - MMMMMMM - A tad higher than THE HIGHEST !! That's how I am so ADAMENT - that I HAVE NO FUCKING CONTROL AND NO YOGA AND MEDITATION DOES NOT WIN OVER BLOODY HORMONAL IMBALANCES
( Im going to leave it there - I cant re-read it back - so if it makes no sence I do apologise - but - that's me in a low - Maybe it wil struck - ?? Hit a cord with someone ?? - Maybe it will help someone understand that they are not the only one out there that goes through this crap - AND IM SURE SOMEONE OUT THERE CAN HELP - I HAVNT FOUND ANYONE YET - BUT - EVENTUALLY - I CANT BE LEFT LIKE THIS - POSITIVITY IS THE KEY - AND WHEN IM ME - I AM POSITIVE = AND PLEASE PARDON THE SWEARING - That's not me - that's HULK ME !!
| Time | Lower limit | Upper limit | Unit |
|---|---|---|---|
| 09:00 am | 140[48] | 700[48] | nmol/L |
| 5[49] | 25[49] | μg/dL | |
| Midnight | 80[48] | 350[48] | nmol/L |
| 2.9[49] | 13[49] | μg/dill  |
Your strength and determination to fight this is amazing Abster. I know you don't feel as though your fighting but you are. I know this won't beat you, you have it ... it does not have you. Everyday you tell me of your difficulties and how you struggle with them, but everyday I see a woman who is positive and strong, who fights to be herself, a mother and a wife. I know the real Abster will win through , you will have yr life back and the kids their mum. Xxx
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