SSBBW OBESE & POSITIVE - Here's how !

Well - If you have not read my blog preceding this - Then - Get right back to the Menu and Read it !!! - All this will then become apparent !! 

( Oh - Because i'm nice I will include a link !! 

http://peggatypawz.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/im-fat-whew-whew-yeah-and-my-being-fat.html ) 

OK - So - Now you have the VERY Basics - as - I could have so gone on forever about symptoms and effects and all sorts - but - The sellotape worked - I kept restrained !!! This was no mean feat I can tell you !!

Now - That is a bloody good Title - Even if I do say so myself - I wanna see loads of views on this - There was 17 in 16 minutes on the one linked above - and that's not bad - Hope it doesn't stop there !! Cor - I do have A LOT to say today - I do feel very very sorry for my postman - who - BEING GORGEOUS, About 30, Tall, Dark and VERY VERY Handsome = and wearing Shorts today ( it's almost in the minus here at the moment ) I did keep him talking about frostbite to his legs ( Did not feel appropriate to go any higher ! ) and how he MUST moisturizer when he gets home, otherwise his poor LEGS would drop off - and - as i like him being my Postie, as he has a lovely smile and a great 'look' - It would greatly sadden me !! I think he likes Chatting with me - as he is always very chatty and always in no hurry to leave - I Did NEARLY offer a coffee - BUT - Felt women who offer Coffee are after one thing - and ALTHOUGH this could have been lovely - I Didn't want him to think i was after that ! Admitting here that i POSSIBLY could have been after that but have FAR TO MANY MORALS, and it was NOT for him to know !! My mother would be proud, but my Bestie would be so ANNOYED AT ME AS HE IS GORGEOUS !!

OK OK - SHUTTING UP AND CARRYING ON !! :

I'M 41 - 
SSBBW OBESE & 
POSITIVE / CONFIDENT AS HELL 

Yup - I know - It's hard to believe - I am 41 - Included is a picture of me aged 2 weeks - and about 7  - n one today !

BE-YOU-TIFUL ! = I KNOW ! 

and Yes, I am classed as Medically Obese - But - To me - That's just a saying !! 
I'm actually not sure if i am SSBBW or BBW - *laughing* 
I just think 'I'm Me' - Curvy and Be-YOU-tiful !! 
SSBBW - SuperSize Big Beautiful Woman 
BBW - Big Beautiful Woman 
For those that Don't know ! 

OK I'm Positive - Because - I KNOW - for a FACT - that there is nothing i can do about it - I can't lose weight and keep it off at the same rate as everyone else, Due to aforementioned in other post, So - Now - Instead of being Miserable, and Depressed ( I have LOADS of other things I can be Miserable and Depressed about instead of that ! - * FacePalm * ! ) I do what I can to be Positive, and FOR ME 

Thats 

Wearing what I like
Having my Own Unique style
Saying what I feel
Expressing Emotion
Doing what I like to do
Not letting people Upset me through what they say ( They are usually just Uneducated ) 
Not letting people upset me through what they do ( Once again - Uneducated ) 

Practice Self - Acceptance = This is the FIRST way to becoming at ONE with yourself !! 
If you HATE who you are - and Over-eat - Find your Triggers 
Why do you Overeat ?? 
It may be as simple as ' I love food - So I eat ' 
AND THIS IS OK - Don't beat yourself up 
But - Now ask the question - Is it worth the Fat Shaming ? 
If YOU love food more - and are strong in character - then 
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT AND CAN PUT UP WITH THE JIBES AND THE INSULTS - YOU DO IT - AND BE BLOODY PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE - YOU ROCK  !!  

But - always remember - If Your NOT happy - and want to lose - there are ways to help you - you never have to do it by yourself ! And - Give yourself a pat on the back for at least trying ....

If you Can't lose weight for ANY REASON - Medically, or Mentally or Psychologically then - 
COME ON - 
DON'T BLAME YOURSELF 
YOU HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS TO BE ABLE TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE AND THAT'S SURELY WHAT EVERYONE WANTS ?
You have NO CONTROL over medical matters / illness - Mental and Physical - So - STOP RIGHT NOW - YOU HAVE TO LOOSE THIS FEELING TO BE ABLE TO GO FORWARD 

( Please excuse Capitals - I use them Automatically when i'm saying thing's i'm passionate about. I am just trying to get it across that i MEAN what i'm saying !!! 
- I'm not really shouting at you !! 
* Asking you to Please stop Quivering now *  ) 
Things that you start to do will not be thought about by people around and about - they won't notice any difference I bet - BUT YOU WILL ..

Once you start to feel better about yourself - You will start to do it automatically - and then - Others are always drawn to you - and try to almost 'feed'  - pardon the pun - off your Uplifting optimism .... This - Well - for me - Is a HUGE part of feeling good about myself - I love to help and make others smile and see what is good about what they have going on in their lives, and Turning Negatives into Positives, Something is bad - But - How good that this didn't happen - because it could have been far far worse - Then - They go away happy - and I have done good ! = So Reinforcing my Positivity and Confidence ! ( OK - With my Brain the way it is - I do sometimes get this totally wrong - and say something totally inappropriate to the wrong person at the wrong time - BUT - Most of my friends 'Know' me - and usually it's funny anyways - so - Be able to laugh at yourself - That's ALWAYS a good trait to have ! ) 

A few things that i have done to actually help myself in the 'Not Worrying process' - all are easy and don't cost a penny .... It just takes thought !!

DONT LOOK AT THE SCALES = THROW THEM AWAY - Does it matter if you have put on a pound this week - Nope - Makes no difference - I'm still sexy as hell !

LISTEN TO COMPLIMENTS - People Don't say thing's they DON'T mean !

ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS - and to help myself with this, when ( not if ) I get a compliment - I acknowledge it by saying
" I know - But - Thanks for noticing !! " - It makes THEM smile - and then YOU smile !!

WHEN YOU SEE A FAT OR A SKINNY PERSON ( Because obviously this goes for Men as well as Women )  - LOOK AT THEM - WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT THEM ? Thin women are beautiful too !! - Then - if you see someone who is truly Eye Catching to you * Take a real big deep breath * = GO AND TELL THEM ....... - Yup - I do this all the time - But - for me it's automatic now - I have no issues about telling Men, or Women - " OMG That outfit looks fab, Love the color ! - and i just smile and walk off, I have NEVER had a bad reaction from it - and then - I always get a smile !! Just made their day - Because - remember - No-Body else in the whole world may have said that to them - and for a stranger to do it - MEANS A LOT !!

If you hear a Negativity = IGNORE IT - 
Who actually cares what the Ignorant / Uneducated Person Thinks He/She will probably have far more insecurities than you - and - 
There is NO POINT getting in a debate with them - because they usually have just graduated from the Local 'Lying' School and proceed to tell you your Medical History and how you should be 'curing' yourself or they will preach statistics of the Local Council for the Health Treatment of FAT people in your area !! 
Laugh and walk away - That will upset them far far more ! 
YOU KEEP THE UPPER HAND !

WHEN YOU JIGGLE WHEN YOU WIGGLE - 
EMBRACE AND ENJOY ! - 
YOUR FAT - OF COURSE YOUR GOING TO WIGGLE 
AND OMG - HOW SASSY IS THAT - 
CUTE CAPTIVATING CURVES - !!!!

Don't feel the need to pull down/up your Shorts/Top/Dress when sitting - Obviously unless they reveal far too much ! -

Your Gorgeous - 
Flaunt your Curves

If your out, and your friend orders a Skinny Latte, BUT - YOU want to have a FULL ON FATTY LATTE = order it 
It's up to YOU want you do
I have even had a cashier ask - " Don't YOU want a Skinny Too " - Too which I replied = " Ohhh No Thank YOU ... I DON'T need to Diet " 
- She smiled and shouted to the ladies behind her 
- " One Skinny and one " NORMAL " Latte please Girls " 
I WAS DELIGHTED !! 

WHATEVER YOU DO - DON'T USE STUPID WORDS FOR DIFFERENT DAY'S - IE - Green / Red day or Treat Day / Bad day - 
NO DAY IS BAD - If YOU feel YOU have eaten too much one day- Then DON'T WORRY = You can do something about it 
If you start to think of things as Naughty or 'Treating' yourself 
You will crave it ! 
NEVER USE A SWEET / MEAL / ETC AS A PRIZE FOR DOING SOMETHING - OR AS A GIFT 
FOOD IS NEEDED FOR LIVING - so live ! Eat it !
A LITTLE BIT OF SOMETHING DOES YOU GOOD 
WHEN YOU WANT ! 

DO YOU LIKE THAT DRESS YOUR WEARING 
THEN BLOODY WEAR IT
If people don't like it - THAT'S THEIR LOOK OUT, not yours !
I have a Bright Neon Long Maxi Dress - that is the same color as a workman's jacket - everyone tells me it's far too bright - a bit see through and totally inappropriate for walking down the high street in - I LOVE IT - So I wear it - and get loads of Compliments - and Workmen asking to borrow it !! - Brilliant - made them smile !!

Hairy legs - Well - For me it's easy = I have very very light color hairs - so - I shave when i can be bothered !!! - and anyways - I like the feel ! = But - I do have to say - If i'm wearing Spaghetti Strap Tops - I do Shave my Pits - But - Only Because I WANT TO - I feel better and I think it is more hygienic ! 
If YOU WANT TO DO IT - THEN THAT'S FINE - But NEVER be told you HAVE too ! DO IT FOR YOU !
SAME GOES FOR MAKE UP - Wear it if YOU want too - BUT - DON'T FOLLOW THE CROWD !! 

Don't get hooked into the Media Stereotype of 
DRESS FOR YOUR SHAPE / SIZE 
If you can get something in your size - and you like it - YOU WEAR IT 
If you like something - but can't get it in your size - 
INTERNET SHOPPING - Loads of places will make what you want !!!! NEVER BE PUT OFF !!!!

BLACK IS SLIMMING - YES - BUT - If your not at a Funeral ( and my Funeral is going to be a FUNeral !! ) 
THEN BE BRIGHT, BOLD, BLAZING, BEAMING & BRILLIANT !!

DON'T erase that Selfie cause you look fat = YOU ARE FAT 
Get used to it - People can see your Fat - So 
BE WHO YOU ARE - Don't hide - You have nothing to be ashamed of ! 

Don't be ashamed of Artistic Nudity or a bit of Cleavage !! 
There's nothing better for self confidence than getting a lovely photo taken of yourself or by yourself and showing it off to your friends and family 
Everyone has a Body - and Everyone should be at ease with it ....... If people don't like seeing it - then - ARE THEY REALLY YOUR FRIENDS - They should embrace your confidence building by Commenting and Supporting you .....

STOP JUDGING OTHERS ON HOW THEY LOOK 
There may be a reason why they look the way they do - and 
WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ! If You stop - then others do to !

Lastly = Have a look into the Body Positivity Movement On the Internet - This is a great place to start 
Also BBW Groups on Facebook / Twitter / Pinterest - 
The Social Networking Sites 
They are Fabulous for boosting confidence and getting you too see the Good in who you are ....... 

NOW LOOK IN THE MIRROR ............

YOUR GORGEOUS !!! REPEAT ........................... !

I'm FAT = WHEW WHEW - YEAH - AND ? My 'BEING FAT' STORY !

FATNESS IS NOT THE SAME FOR EVERYONE
THERE MAY BE MORE TOO IT - THAN MEETS THE EYE !!

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK !

LMAO - OMG - I have just had another person ( who i opened my OWN front door too ) Turn round and say - " Wow - your HUGE " - Now - Considering i was in my own house - and he was knocking on my door ( To TRY to sell me a new Porch - well - not new porch- as i don't have one - but - to TRY to sell me a porch - I Don't feel this was the BEST opening line he could have thought of - and being fair - OK - I must have shocked him - as yes - I AM FAT - AND I AM VERY BRIGHTLY COLORED - AND YOU KNOW WHAT - I COULDN'T CARE LESS !!

Lots of people have asked HOW i am so confident and WHY i do what i do ( Bring attention to myself and wear clothes that i do etc ) and Why I don't do something about it !! - lots of laughing - OK - Let me start at the beginning !!



Ever since i was young - my weight has flatuated oh no - word doesn't like that - OH - OK - Fluctuated - THAT's BETTER ! - Thought Flat was a funny term to be used for Weight Movements !! Oh Weight Movement = It's not called that either - but - i'm guessing you know what i mean !! Up, down, up, down, and mum even took me to the doctor as she was SURE i had a Thyroid problem - BUT - the doctor was a Jackass and WITHOUT even testing - told her that I ate too much and i should diet and exercise at 9 years old - Well - I HONESTLY can say - at that point - I DID NOT EAT TO EXCESS - AND I WAS ALWAYS ACTIVE - But - OK - Must be doing something = So mum started the Healthy Eating Routine- and i went to a Dietitian - a lady who tried to tell me about getting out more - and playing games in the street and eating a better diet - Mm - I started to get a little exacerbated at this - as - I was out all the time playing - and - MY DIET WAS GOOD !!
So - This is when i kinda went a bit haywire for a while - well - if people tell you that you are eating - IN MY MIND - that's what i'm going to do - So I started Comfort Eating - I'd buy things from the store on the way to school - I'd never eat in front of people - as i was far too self conscious - So - I sat in my room - and ATE - and ate - and ate - ( hiding papers and wrappers anywhere i could find - Mum and dad now very very worried - and knew i was comfort eating - but - i pretended i wasn't ) OK - NOW I WAS FAT !!! ...... BUT - thing that was different - I had brought that on myself = So - I HATED MYSELF - No point going to the Doctor - they would tell me to diet - and - at this point - that's what i should have done - This carried on all through school - I felt very picked on at school - apart from a few VERY GOOD and close totally understanding friends - whom i still have to this day. - Through my School Years and Early Working Life - I yo-yo'ed = BUT - even when i wasn't eating to excess - I was STILL putting on weight ...

I then started work - and this is when i decided enough was enough - and no word of a lie - I drank one slim-fast shake made with Skimmed milk and water for Breakfast and One for dinner - THAT WAS IT - Everything else Mum bought - I threw - and EVENTUALLY - I lost most of the weight - and got down to about 11 stone - which - for me - I was happy. But - It was quite a slow process - and - for most people to have that - and be VERY VERY active - The weight should have dramatically come off - It didn't - But - I got there ......

Then I met my First Boyfriend - Alan - married him - and Two years later - Had Tom !! Weight then started going back on - I had to eat !! ... But - Due to a terrible birth - I was given about 12 Epidurals - and they didn't work - UNTIL LATER - Then i was in bed for months - Awful excrutiating pain - and headaches and i basically couldn't walk - So - I ate - and ate and ate - all the wrong things - and  got FAT again !! ...... Then - For a few months - it was superb - all great at home - and no pain and i was able to do everything = So - I went back to work - and Alan stayed with Tom - I lost a lot of weight again on the Slim Fast Diet !! But - That was fine = I was starving = But - it was worth it - SO I THOUGHT ...... Then we decided to have Cassia - and once again - I fell Pregnant easily - and OMG - The weight just went on - I was doing nothing - and it just kept going up and up - at one point i was eating nothing but fruit - and i was still putting on 7lb a week - Of course NO-ONE believed that i was secretly eating again - and i could not blame them = BUT - I KNEW I WAS NOT !!! ..... Anyways - I had Cassia = and a few weeks later was in a Myexdema Coma - A Rare and Life-Threatening Clinical condition that is entirely due to undiagnosed LONG TERM hypothyroidism  - ( Yeah - THAT DRASTIC - and yup - I am the person that DIDN'T have Thyroid issues )- according to my GP at the time  - BUT - was later Diagnosed as a Surgery First - The NEW GP said that my levels had come back so far off scale that i needed URGENT Hospital attention - But - by this point - I was actually unable to move or communicate - and the EX had rung an ambulance ! - Anyways - a drip of Thyroid and i was good as new - well - OK - exaggeration = But - I was OK........

OK - so - I thought this is where all my troubles would finish - I have been diagnosed with Hypothyroidism = Weight should come off now as my metabolism is now working ( due to medication - that i have to be on for the rest of my life - and if i fail to take it - i'll die !!!! * says with a smile ! * YOUR NOT ILL - LOSE WEIGHT- DO SOME EXERCISE - TAKE THAT YOU BASTARD ! Not that i hold a grudge !  )

Anyway - I thought all was good now - BUT - OMG - I started putting weight back on - lots of it - and - nothing i could do - ( Oh gotta remember this is a overview - lol !! NOT a life History ! ) OK - So - Found out that was just one contributing factor to my weight - I then had the GP tell me that due to LOTS of other symptoms - she was sure i had a Pituitary Tumor - Just behind the eyes - and where as the Thyroid Gland runs the metabolism - The Pituitary Gland - called the Master Gland - Runs, basically, EVERYTHING ELSE !!! - BUT - this could take a while to Diagnose - So - I have to keep going for MRI's, and Blood Tests etc - Well - OK - EVENTUALLY ( and Thank God my GP at this point was so fabulous ) 7 years later - The MRI picked up a Pituitary Tumor - THIS IS THE REASON I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT !!!! - My body basically thinks it is in Famine Mode - and Stores EVERYTHING that i eat or drink !! - So - Now I KNOW it is NOT me - and nothing i can do - I eat and drink - what i want ( Which actually and 100% honestly is NOT A LOT ! ) when i want, and if someone says something - I can't let it bother me !! So instead of dwelling on the HUGENESS of my Ass - I embrace it - Laugh - OK - Not literally - and go with it - I dress how i want - even if it goes against what people tell me - I wear my hair how I LIKE, the color i wish - and OK - I may be making a statement - but - surely - IT'S BETTER TO BE HAPPY AND FAT - THEN MISERABLE AND FAT !! Due to my illness ( which makes THE HULK look like Mary Poppins )  I am a miserable Suicidal Paranoid mare a lot of the time - so - When I am 'me' I like to laugh and joke and be funny and smile and help others smile - and OK, a lot of people think I am very childish, and not responsible etc etc- BUT - In fact - I am just doing what EVERYONE ELSE WISHES THEY COULD DO - I am enjoying being me - and loving who I am AND TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE DO THE SAME !! If that's a bad thing - SHOOT ME !!

So - Oh My God - I have gone off what i actually wanted to chat about - But - I guess you needed the background - and for me - who can talk and talk / write about themselves A LOT - this is short = so - thank me later !!  - OK - Oh - I've just read the title - and Mm - Yes - I've answered the question - But - It's NOT the question i wanted to answer - which - Oh My God - That's ANOTHER Question !! More of a HOW I AM POSITIVE AND WHAT I DO TO STAY POSITIVE !! - So - I am going to write that blog - as a follow up to this one i think !! Because - By Now - I'm guessing YOU NEED A COFFEE !!

Ohhh Yes - Mr Porch Man - That's why i went into this - When i get comment's like his - Come on - KEEP UP !! - Remember the Guy at aforementioned Front Door said " Oh Your HUGE ", I always felt it compulsory to tell them why ...... and Now - well - Today - I just turned to him - Looked him in the eye and said with a great big smile  " YEAH - LONG STORY - I AM FAT = AND I'M BLOODY LOVELY !! " - Then I laughed and I felt GOOD !!
He looked at me, smiled and said " Yeah Sexy too " = and winked, we both just started laughing = HOW GOOD WAS THAT !!! - If I had been negative to him - Then - I am almost certain he would have been negative right back at me !! = But - Because I have a 'devil can't care' attitude = then so did he !! Poor Bloke still didn't get a sale - But - We had a laugh and he smiled because of something I said - and he now will think differently before talking to Fat people again = I HOPE - So = Such a good day !!

( Number two of this story will be published asap - maybe today - maybe tomorrow - BUT SOON ! )

IT WAS GOING SO VERY WELL - THEN Boom ! Pituitary kicked in AGAIN

Had such a lovely day yesterday, Got kids up - everything sorted - all laughs and smiles and omg looking wonderful - then asked EX if he would take me out - OMG - NOTHING WOULD BE NICER - So we went to Margate ( I know - someone has too - But - Westwood is lovely ) had a great Sing Song on the way - A real Car pool Type with myself and Alan belting out a good few numbers - really took us both back to the old days ! - was singing a mix of Les Mis - Olly Murs and just stuff on the Radio - "Dock of the Bay" being a special fav ! !! - Then Costa Coffee - ( Don't be lulled into a false sense of security here - This post IS NOT GOING TO CARRY ON ON THESE POSITIVE LINES ! ) THEN found a Wax Melt burner - one that gets plugged in - so i can't forget it and set light to the entire house - for the BARGIN price of £4.25 inc the melts - in Wilco - WHATA ******* BARGIN ! ' AV THAT !! - ( yes - started to go Catherine Tate's Nan by this point ! ) Then - went to Boots - well - that's when it decended into chaos ! I wanted to have a peruse and just take my time - Boots is one of my Favouritist shops ! - I love to look at the Hair colour ( ANOTHER SHOP THAT DOES NOT STOCK MY COLOUR AT A DECENT PRICE ! ) and smell the perfumes and look at all the make up - well - i'd done most of this - MOST of the time with the EX beside me - ( he had left for a short short minutes to get some Razors for himself ) but then - he was NEXT TO ME
- I kept telling him all was fine and i was just looking -

and well - MEN - he had no idea -
"Why do you want Green Mascara - "
It's NOT Green - that's just the lid - this is blackest black " = "
" mmmm - Why can't you just get Black "
ME - " - Because in this Range Blackest Black is just that - it's JET black - But - I don't actually want or need any - i'm just looking "
OHHHHHHH  - Stands closer
A woman stands to my right and is OBVIOUSLY wanting to look at the EXACT same thing that i am - ( Remember - this is Boots - and there MUST be 12 stands of different makeup - all - AT LEAST 9 FOOT LONG - ) and she wants - what i am looking at ...... OK - NOW i'm getting JUST A LITTLE ANNOYED ......

Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right, Here I am, stuck in the middle with you. Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you, And I'm wondering what it is I should do ....... 

OK - With a rather loud HUFFFFF and a quick glance, I move away - and go to the Lipstick - OHHHHHHHHH PURFUME - go spray some of that all over me - as it's expensive !! - Lovely - Yes - I like that smell - Jimmy Choo - Illicit - Tantilising, Tempting, Teasing and ALLURING - OMG = I AM THAT PERSON - But - for £56 - I'm so NOT that person - and just will have to make do with spraying it ;) - EVERYWHERE !! - 
Alan coughs, and coughs
FFS ( For those that arnt up on text speak - FOR FUCK SAKE  that means ! )
OK - Back to the Lipstick - I do love a good lipstick - well - I have a look at three - and - well - by this time the CONSTANT left to right manouvere on the feet of said EX is DRIVING ME INSAIN and so i put the Lippy back and say ok - lets go -
He looks at me
" Did you put that Lipstick Back ? " 
I GLARE at him - " - Did i put it back ? = What did you think i was going to do - FUCKING PUT IT IN MY POCKET AND NICK IT ? - OF COURSE I PUT IT BACK ...... "
Well - then i erupted - " - So - Is THAT why you have stuck to me like Glue - You think I'm going round Boots Nicking stuff ..... FFS I spent loads last month on make up DO YOU THINK ID HAVE NO MONEY IF I COULD COME IN THERE AND SIMPLY PINCH IT .... FFS - BLAR BLAR "
He walked off to pay with me Shouting after him !!!
As he came back over to me - People obviously finding all this VERY AMUSING - 
I stood inbetween the alarm barriers and VERY LOUDLY EXCLAIMED TO THE ENTIRE SHOP - that if I HAD nicked something - that the alarm would go off - AND 'HARK' ( yes i'm afraid i did use this term ) THEY DID NOT - SO - I COULDNT POSSIBLY HAVE NICKED ANYTHING .....  I carried on walking - BUT - Ohhh I didnt stop there !! - I carried on and on and on - 
Started walking back to the car - NOT HAPPY

" I thought you wanted to go to Superdrug and Poundland " - Alan exclaims -
" - OHHH - SO I CAN NICK STUFF FROM THERE TOO - No - I'm going NO-WHERE with you if you think i'm THAT sort of person = ffs ffs ffs ffs ffs - I'M GOING TO THE CAR - OPEN IT - YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT .... TWAT "
( I think that if i was going to nick anything at all - i'd be a high class thief and nick the better items and NOT the £3.99 range from Bloody Boots Own !  FURIOUS WAS NOT THE WORD ) 
The entire time Alan was trying to tell me i had the wrong end of the stick .......
I carried on, and on, and on, 
EVENTUALLY - Alan was able to get in what he DID MEAN - " - As he was going to the till - Had i put the Lipstick back? - OR DID I LIKE IT AND WANT HIM TO PAY FOR IT ! ... " - 
OPPSY !!
OK - I was happy now - Yup - Almost Instantaneously !! ( Maybe you can imagine being Alan - and have a RABID dog at your Throat - and then a Magical Playful Unicorn wanting to do stuff ! - That's me ! ) 
So - we went and spent a whole £15 at Poundland - Ohhh and Don't get me started on the whole Pound thing - If it's Poundland - EVERYTHING should be a POUND ......... Not £4.99 - WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT ............ and then yes yes- i'm one of those people who like to ask - " How much is this " = and then PMSL !! Almost literally - as my pelvic floor is not what it used to be ! ( Actually - it's always been shite ! - But - thats NOT for you to worry about ! ) 

Then we went to Wilco ( NOT WILKINSON ANYMORE - Who knows why ! ) - and this is where i found my Wax Melt Burner - at the Bargin price -  Which i Have on - in the hallway - AND I CAN ONLY BLOODY SMELL IT ALL THE WAY IN HERE - I'm In the Sitting Room ! - NOW THAT'S GOOD !!! 

OK - so - Back to the car now - Had a nice time - Was silent on the way home - But - Just cause i was tired !! - Home - and YAWWWWWWN - WOW - sleep needed - so i went to bed, Derek and Rodney joined me - and that was it - head hit the pillow - and 5 hours later - i woke - to the kids sitting on the bed - Not to say hello to me - But to say hello to the cats !! - who were still there !! Anyways - all good ...... Came downstairs ..... Dinner - Bit of Computer stuff, erm - OHHHHHHHHHHH THE IT WENT TITS UP AGAIN ... I got off the computer - make a coffee - was having a laugh ( Hysterically laughing at a Piece of writing my 13 year old had done for his Scount badge - and he - being very humourous had inc a few jokes about his time that he had away - and - me being me - was beside myself with laughter ! ) anyways - then we sat down and were trying to come up with a plan of action re - TELEVISION watching - and then when it all began ..........

Cassia started to Bite her feet !! = Mmmmm - Both my kids have a habit of doing this - and - actually - if truth be told - it doesnt bother myself or the EX- It does bother my Mother and Father ( MOTHER mainly ! ) who goes into full scale riot attack mode if either of the kids do this in front of her ( which is such a fabulous game now = that they both do - on regular occurance - BUT This always ends up with me 'storming' and ending up - upstairs - on my own - in a quiet dark room - YUP - TRUTH )  - and - OK - I guess that is fair enough that it's not PLESENT - So - When i saw Cass doing this - I asked her to stop - She proceeded to tell me about a little piece of skin - so - i gave her a pair of toe nail clippers - and get rid of it- 10 minutes later she was still biting her foot - I had kept telling her not too ...
Alan ( The EX remember ) said - as it was 'His night' with the kids - and NOT mine - or mums - ( Considering I can't actually have a "night" - as I get set off so often ) HE MAKES THE DECISIONS and If Cassia wanted to hurt herself - then - FINE - let her - 
OMFG = ( You must be understanding of that ! ) NO - Because - if she can do it now - she will do it with mum - and that's gonna decend into chaos ........ 
WELL - ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE AROUND ABOUT NOW =

I have no say over my own children, because If i get ill - they arnt sure who to listen to - and so - they always listen to everyone else apart from me ! Well - As thats the case - WHATS THE FUCKING POINT OF ME BEING HERE - I AM DEFINATELY NOBODY'S CLEANER / CHEF ( ! - Even i'm laughing at that = use this term very very loosely ) AND I'M NO DOORMAT AND GOING TO SIT THERE TAKING IT - so - UP I get - Coat on - Just a short Jacket - Over my Pyjama's = Shoes - and - Ohhhh - Fuck it - You keep the bag - it has all my money in it - and i don't need that = Grab Phone - and out the front door .............

Now - remember - it HURTS if i do anything - so - walking AT SPEED - in the mood i was - with my pyjama legs around my knees by now, as they had ridden up - clutching my Phone - GOD KNOWS WHY - as i knew Mum was at the Theatre and i didnt want to ring her there - AGAIN - So - I walked - I was going to jump off the bridge - Yup - That bad again - It all escalated so quickly and - thats it - No other option - well - I have two options

(1) Stay Put - with the EX and the Kids in the house, Unable to get out alone - unable to drive - unable to do anything without asking for help, Unable to do the kids, having no say in what they are doing or well - anything - Unable to be left alone with them for fear of a RAGE storm - and then whe they are not there - I'm waiting for the EX to come in - to disturb me doing what i want - ( ie Youtube videos etc ) comeing into the front room - so i stop doing what im doing and sit down- as i do deem it rude to carry on - on the computer - if he comes into the room - So - I sit and wait - and he then talks - BUT - I DON'T WANT TO TALK - and he thinks I do ! = IT'S ALL TIT UP AGAIN = either that - or I go upstairs and sit in my room, on Laptop - or phone - all because i 'get in the way' - or feel i do... then i start thinking " - I shouldnt be shoved in my bedroom - i'm an Adult - I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE - I want to be with my kids - having fun with them ..... BUT - I can't do that ........ so .....

(2) - I get a flat of my own - BUT - this is where my Black or white attitude comes in - If I do this - I dont want to see the kids - NOT BECAUSE I DON'T LOVE THEM OR ANYTHING - quite the opposite - Because it would be far far far harder to have them come in for an hour and then go again - I am not - and have NEVER wanted to be a part time mum - I wouldnt have got married if i knew that was going to happen,  i WANT TO BE WITH MY KIDS .

So - Thats not an option - so - Only other option - TOP MYSELF - That's a far better solution for what i have at the minute ......

Go out with mum Mon and Weds and my Aunt every other Tuesday - THAT'S IT - Unless the EX decides that he has time - and can take me out .....

So - Out the door i went - up the road - walking - arms swinging - totally in control - but - very ANGRY - Not at the EX- It's NOT his fault - But at the illness and what it has done to me - 
Then the ex drives up to me - I carry on walking - well - stumbling at this point - as head had kinda had enough 
" Abby - get in - We can sort this " ( Remember this is about the 10th time he has done this now ) 
I carry on striding out - Ohhh Just fuck off - tell the kids you cant find me - Just go back to them
I then go over everything - AGAIN - and he listens and try's to appease - But - Well - I can't have any of it- THEY ARE MY KIDS - I WANT INPUT - 
" I give you as much input as i can - we all want you here and we want to do things with you - but - you are unable - for whatever reason - to do them "
Over and over and over - I turn and head for the Thanet Way ( Motorway ) I'll walk in front of a car - Alan turns car around and follows - Eventually i get in the car and we talk - and then when i have calmed - he turns car again - and we go back to the house - I HATE IT - i DON'T WANT TO GO TO MY FUCKING BEDROOM - I'M not a child = But - I have no other option ..... So - Grab the Laptop = and up i go ..... FUCKING RIDICULAS - 
6 x Diazepam Downed
Tom ( 13 year old son ) comes in holding Derek and says good night - Gives me Derek to kiss good night too ! .... Walks out 
Cassia comes Up - Crying - Ohhhh - I can't be bothered - I ignore it and sit there
Tom shouts shut up !
Rodney Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr's at the door wanting to come into my bedroom

Alan comes up - and i strain to listen - Cassia starts going on about being Bullied at school - and ohhh all sorts - I Honestly think this is avoidance tactics because she KNOWS i was in the right - and it does wind mum up and she should have stopped .... 
Anyways - then Alan calms her down and he goes downstairs - 10 minutes later Cassia comes in and says goodnight - very sheepishly - I return the Goodnight and sleep well... She goes into her bedroom - and lets out the biggest amount of gas you have ever heard - I say - " Corr that feels better " - and she laughs and says " Ohhh by ek it does " - laughs and all is fine ......

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr from Rodney again ........


Look at my phone - message from mum - she will come saturday to pick me and kids up ( as she does have them mon/tues/sat - To give ex a break - FROM ME ) and she has decided to take us to The Wallflower Cafe for Lunch as it has been newly decorated - LOVELY - All except - I had told her that Dawn ( My BFF ) is coming with her daughter Jade for Lunch - and she didnt need to be here till 1am - SO NOW I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING USER AND I FEEL JUST TERRIBLE - I WANT TO CHAT WITH DAWN AND JADE - But - I don't want my mother - OR THE FUCKING EX AS A MATTER OF FACT there while i SEE MY FRIENDS !! = But it is her day - and she has given up every sat - and mon/weds JUST TO HELP - so thats it - WHAT AN UNGRATEFUL BITCH I AM - whats the fucking point i can't live a normal life - and when i try - i get treated like care in the community - EX says he has to be here til mum gets here - even though Dawn is here - AND SHE IS HIS FRIEND TOO ( Where she is his 'friend' But i have known her 22 years and txt her daily and been though loads with her - WHERE AS HE HAS'NT = OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - I CAN'T WIN

I watch HOUSE That i was bought as a gift by a good friend - ( Well - 3 x series turned up in the post ! - all a surprise - BUT - i'm now on the 4th episode and yes - I LOVE IT !! ) so watched that - and then went on my phone to do a few bits - then i fell asleep - 1am - 
3am - Cassia staring at me - " Derek woke me up ! " - Ohhh ignore him and sleep well now -
I turn and cass has snuck in bed - " - OMG - THAT WAS STELTH LIKE "
" Ohh yes she said - Good night " - and that was it  - she was asleep !! 
RODNEY jumps on me - sits on my stomach staring at me - and then kisses my nose - OMG - I Can't resist and so give him a cuddle - and then the purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring starts, Look at the clock - 4am - OHH FFS ........
ALARM WAKES ME AT 7am - into bathroom - wash - brush teeth and hair = change into clean onesie = downstairs - Ohhh trip = Can't walk straight = 

feed cats
let dog out
coffee on
FFS - WASHING AND A MESS IN SINK ( I usually / ALWAYS do this before bed ) THATS IT - I'M OFF AGAIN - crying ......
Tom comes down - says something and then brings Rodney to me to kiss !!! - I can't speak by this point - nothing i am saying makes sence to me - let alone to anyone else - and thats when i start calling the cats odd names - Bender - Brenda - Ralf - Robert - Ohh it's ridiculas - my brain just does not work - Then i try to wash up - and it physically hurts to use my arms - que- PEGGATY BARKING - well - one bark - she hates to be left outside !!
i walk into the table - no co-ordination
fall over cats who have decided they want feeding AGAIN
Let dog in
Feed cats again = I'm a soft touch
Make coffee
Sit in front room - AND I'M OPENING THE FUCKING CURTAINS WETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT  ( EX has a thing about the curtains being open - I couldn't careless if people see in - where as he does ) 
Tom goes to school - Cass eventually gets up - after ex tells her she should NOT be getting into bed with me - I just sit , and sit 
He takes Cassia to school - I hoover- Put on the new wax melt burner - wash up - and - ohhhh start this blog - NOW I'M FEELING BETTER ! 
Alan Just got in and said we could go for a coffee in a minute - so - well - i gotta get ready - YAWN - 
ON EVERYBODY ELSE TERMS - DRIVES ME MAD .......

A SMILING LAMB TO MAKE YOU SMILE AFTER THAT LOT !