- I kept telling him all was fine and i was just looking -
and well - MEN - he had no idea -
"Why do you want Green Mascara - "
It's NOT Green - that's just the lid - this is blackest black " = "
" mmmm - Why can't you just get Black "
ME - " - Because in this Range Blackest Black is just that - it's JET black - But - I don't actually want or need any - i'm just looking "
OHHHHHHH - Stands closer
A woman stands to my right and is OBVIOUSLY wanting to look at the EXACT same thing that i am - ( Remember - this is Boots - and there MUST be 12 stands of different makeup - all - AT LEAST 9 FOOT LONG - ) and she wants - what i am looking at ...... OK - NOW i'm getting JUST A LITTLE ANNOYED ......
Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right, Here I am, stuck in the middle with you. Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you, And I'm wondering what it is I should do .......
OK - With a rather loud HUFFFFF and a quick glance, I move away - and go to the Lipstick - OHHHHHHHHH PURFUME - go spray some of that all over me - as it's expensive !! - Lovely - Yes - I like that smell - Jimmy Choo - Illicit - Tantilising, Tempting, Teasing and ALLURING - OMG = I AM THAT PERSON - But - for £56 - I'm so NOT that person - and just will have to make do with spraying it ;) - EVERYWHERE !! -
Alan coughs, and coughs
FFS ( For those that arnt up on text speak - FOR FUCK SAKE that means ! )
OK - Back to the Lipstick - I do love a good lipstick - well - I have a look at three - and - well - by this time the CONSTANT left to right manouvere on the feet of said EX is DRIVING ME INSAIN and so i put the Lippy back and say ok - lets go -
He looks at me
" Did you put that Lipstick Back ? "
I GLARE at him - " - Did i put it back ? = What did you think i was going to do - FUCKING PUT IT IN MY POCKET AND NICK IT ? - OF COURSE I PUT IT BACK ...... "
Well - then i erupted - " - So - Is THAT why you have stuck to me like Glue - You think I'm going round Boots Nicking stuff ..... FFS I spent loads last month on make up DO YOU THINK ID HAVE NO MONEY IF I COULD COME IN THERE AND SIMPLY PINCH IT .... FFS - BLAR BLAR "
He walked off to pay with me Shouting after him !!!
As he came back over to me - People obviously finding all this VERY AMUSING -
I stood inbetween the alarm barriers and VERY LOUDLY EXCLAIMED TO THE ENTIRE SHOP - that if I HAD nicked something - that the alarm would go off - AND 'HARK' ( yes i'm afraid i did use this term ) THEY DID NOT - SO - I COULDNT POSSIBLY HAVE NICKED ANYTHING ..... I carried on walking - BUT - Ohhh I didnt stop there !! - I carried on and on and on -
Started walking back to the car - NOT HAPPY
" I thought you wanted to go to Superdrug and Poundland " - Alan exclaims -
" - OHHH - SO I CAN NICK STUFF FROM THERE TOO - No - I'm going NO-WHERE with you if you think i'm THAT sort of person = ffs ffs ffs ffs ffs - I'M GOING TO THE CAR - OPEN IT - YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT .... TWAT "
( I think that if i was going to nick anything at all - i'd be a high class thief and nick the better items and NOT the £3.99 range from Bloody Boots Own ! FURIOUS WAS NOT THE WORD )
The entire time Alan was trying to tell me i had the wrong end of the stick .......
I carried on, and on, and on,
EVENTUALLY - Alan was able to get in what he DID MEAN - " - As he was going to the till - Had i put the Lipstick back? - OR DID I LIKE IT AND WANT HIM TO PAY FOR IT ! ... " -
OPPSY !!
OK - I was happy now - Yup - Almost Instantaneously !! ( Maybe you can imagine being Alan - and have a RABID dog at your Throat - and then a Magical Playful Unicorn wanting to do stuff ! - That's me ! )
So - we went and spent a whole £15 at Poundland - Ohhh and Don't get me started on the whole Pound thing - If it's Poundland - EVERYTHING should be a POUND ......... Not £4.99 - WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT ............ and then yes yes- i'm one of those people who like to ask - " How much is this " = and then PMSL !! Almost literally - as my pelvic floor is not what it used to be ! ( Actually - it's always been shite ! - But - thats NOT for you to worry about ! )
Then we went to Wilco ( NOT WILKINSON ANYMORE - Who knows why ! ) - and this is where i found my Wax Melt Burner - at the Bargin price - Which i Have on - in the hallway - AND I CAN ONLY BLOODY SMELL IT ALL THE WAY IN HERE - I'm In the Sitting Room ! - NOW THAT'S GOOD !!!
OK - so - Back to the car now - Had a nice time - Was silent on the way home - But - Just cause i was tired !! - Home - and YAWWWWWWN - WOW - sleep needed - so i went to bed, Derek and Rodney joined me - and that was it - head hit the pillow - and 5 hours later - i woke - to the kids sitting on the bed - Not to say hello to me - But to say hello to the cats !! - who were still there !! Anyways - all good ...... Came downstairs ..... Dinner - Bit of Computer stuff, erm - OHHHHHHHHHHH THE IT WENT TITS UP AGAIN ... I got off the computer - make a coffee - was having a laugh ( Hysterically laughing at a Piece of writing my 13 year old had done for his Scount badge - and he - being very humourous had inc a few jokes about his time that he had away - and - me being me - was beside myself with laughter ! ) anyways - then we sat down and were trying to come up with a plan of action re - TELEVISION watching - and then when it all began ..........
Cassia started to Bite her feet !! = Mmmmm - Both my kids have a habit of doing this - and - actually - if truth be told - it doesnt bother myself or the EX- It does bother my Mother and Father ( MOTHER mainly ! ) who goes into full scale riot attack mode if either of the kids do this in front of her ( which is such a fabulous game now = that they both do - on regular occurance - BUT This always ends up with me 'storming' and ending up - upstairs - on my own - in a quiet dark room - YUP - TRUTH ) - and - OK - I guess that is fair enough that it's not PLESENT - So - When i saw Cass doing this - I asked her to stop - She proceeded to tell me about a little piece of skin - so - i gave her a pair of toe nail clippers - and get rid of it- 10 minutes later she was still biting her foot - I had kept telling her not too ...
Alan ( The EX remember ) said - as it was 'His night' with the kids - and NOT mine - or mums - ( Considering I can't actually have a "night" - as I get set off so often ) HE MAKES THE DECISIONS and If Cassia wanted to hurt herself - then - FINE - let her -
OMFG = ( You must be understanding of that ! ) NO - Because - if she can do it now - she will do it with mum - and that's gonna decend into chaos ........
WELL - ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE AROUND ABOUT NOW =
I have no say over my own children, because If i get ill - they arnt sure who to listen to - and so - they always listen to everyone else apart from me ! Well - As thats the case - WHATS THE FUCKING POINT OF ME BEING HERE - I AM DEFINATELY NOBODY'S CLEANER / CHEF ( ! - Even i'm laughing at that = use this term very very loosely ) AND I'M NO DOORMAT AND GOING TO SIT THERE TAKING IT - so - UP I get - Coat on - Just a short Jacket - Over my Pyjama's = Shoes - and - Ohhhh - Fuck it - You keep the bag - it has all my money in it - and i don't need that = Grab Phone - and out the front door .............
Now - remember - it HURTS if i do anything - so - walking AT SPEED - in the mood i was - with my pyjama legs around my knees by now, as they had ridden up - clutching my Phone - GOD KNOWS WHY - as i knew Mum was at the Theatre and i didnt want to ring her there - AGAIN - So - I walked - I was going to jump off the bridge - Yup - That bad again - It all escalated so quickly and - thats it - No other option - well - I have two options
(1) Stay Put - with the EX and the Kids in the house, Unable to get out alone - unable to drive - unable to do anything without asking for help, Unable to do the kids, having no say in what they are doing or well - anything - Unable to be left alone with them for fear of a RAGE storm - and then whe they are not there - I'm waiting for the EX to come in - to disturb me doing what i want - ( ie Youtube videos etc ) comeing into the front room - so i stop doing what im doing and sit down- as i do deem it rude to carry on - on the computer - if he comes into the room - So - I sit and wait - and he then talks - BUT - I DON'T WANT TO TALK - and he thinks I do ! = IT'S ALL TIT UP AGAIN = either that - or I go upstairs and sit in my room, on Laptop - or phone - all because i 'get in the way' - or feel i do... then i start thinking " - I shouldnt be shoved in my bedroom - i'm an Adult - I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE - I want to be with my kids - having fun with them ..... BUT - I can't do that ........ so .....
(2) - I get a flat of my own - BUT - this is where my Black or white attitude comes in - If I do this - I dont want to see the kids - NOT BECAUSE I DON'T LOVE THEM OR ANYTHING - quite the opposite - Because it would be far far far harder to have them come in for an hour and then go again - I am not - and have NEVER wanted to be a part time mum - I wouldnt have got married if i knew that was going to happen, i WANT TO BE WITH MY KIDS .
So - Thats not an option - so - Only other option - TOP MYSELF - That's a far better solution for what i have at the minute ......
Go out with mum Mon and Weds and my Aunt every other Tuesday - THAT'S IT - Unless the EX decides that he has time - and can take me out .....
So - Out the door i went - up the road - walking - arms swinging - totally in control - but - very ANGRY - Not at the EX- It's NOT his fault - But at the illness and what it has done to me -
Then the ex drives up to me - I carry on walking - well - stumbling at this point - as head had kinda had enough
" Abby - get in - We can sort this " ( Remember this is about the 10th time he has done this now )
I carry on striding out - Ohhh Just fuck off - tell the kids you cant find me - Just go back to them
I then go over everything - AGAIN - and he listens and try's to appease - But - Well - I can't have any of it- THEY ARE MY KIDS - I WANT INPUT -
" I give you as much input as i can - we all want you here and we want to do things with you - but - you are unable - for whatever reason - to do them "
Over and over and over - I turn and head for the Thanet Way ( Motorway ) I'll walk in front of a car - Alan turns car around and follows - Eventually i get in the car and we talk - and then when i have calmed - he turns car again - and we go back to the house - I HATE IT - i DON'T WANT TO GO TO MY FUCKING BEDROOM - I'M not a child = But - I have no other option ..... So - Grab the Laptop = and up i go ..... FUCKING RIDICULAS -
6 x Diazepam Downed
Tom ( 13 year old son ) comes in holding Derek and says good night - Gives me Derek to kiss good night too ! .... Walks out
Cassia comes Up - Crying - Ohhhh - I can't be bothered - I ignore it and sit there
Tom shouts shut up !
Rodney Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr's at the door wanting to come into my bedroom
Alan comes up - and i strain to listen - Cassia starts going on about being Bullied at school - and ohhh all sorts - I Honestly think this is avoidance tactics because she KNOWS i was in the right - and it does wind mum up and she should have stopped ....
Anyways - then Alan calms her down and he goes downstairs - 10 minutes later Cassia comes in and says goodnight - very sheepishly - I return the Goodnight and sleep well... She goes into her bedroom - and lets out the biggest amount of gas you have ever heard - I say - " Corr that feels better " - and she laughs and says " Ohhh by ek it does " - laughs and all is fine ......
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr from Rodney again ........
Look at my phone - message from mum - she will come saturday to pick me and kids up ( as she does have them mon/tues/sat - To give ex a break - FROM ME ) and she has decided to take us to The Wallflower Cafe for Lunch as it has been newly decorated - LOVELY - All except - I had told her that Dawn ( My BFF ) is coming with her daughter Jade for Lunch - and she didnt need to be here till 1am - SO NOW I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING USER AND I FEEL JUST TERRIBLE - I WANT TO CHAT WITH DAWN AND JADE - But - I don't want my mother - OR THE FUCKING EX AS A MATTER OF FACT there while i SEE MY FRIENDS !! = But it is her day - and she has given up every sat - and mon/weds JUST TO HELP - so thats it - WHAT AN UNGRATEFUL BITCH I AM - whats the fucking point i can't live a normal life - and when i try - i get treated like care in the community - EX says he has to be here til mum gets here - even though Dawn is here - AND SHE IS HIS FRIEND TOO ( Where she is his 'friend' But i have known her 22 years and txt her daily and been though loads with her - WHERE AS HE HAS'NT = OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - I CAN'T WIN
I watch HOUSE That i was bought as a gift by a good friend - ( Well - 3 x series turned up in the post ! - all a surprise - BUT - i'm now on the 4th episode and yes - I LOVE IT !! ) so watched that - and then went on my phone to do a few bits - then i fell asleep - 1am -
3am - Cassia staring at me - " Derek woke me up ! " - Ohhh ignore him and sleep well now -
I turn and cass has snuck in bed - " - OMG - THAT WAS STELTH LIKE "
" Ohh yes she said - Good night " - and that was it - she was asleep !!
RODNEY jumps on me - sits on my stomach staring at me - and then kisses my nose - OMG - I Can't resist and so give him a cuddle - and then the purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring starts, Look at the clock - 4am - OHH FFS ........
ALARM WAKES ME AT 7am - into bathroom - wash - brush teeth and hair = change into clean onesie = downstairs - Ohhh trip = Can't walk straight =
feed cats
let dog out
coffee on
FFS - WASHING AND A MESS IN SINK ( I usually / ALWAYS do this before bed ) THATS IT - I'M OFF AGAIN - crying ......
Tom comes down - says something and then brings Rodney to me to kiss !!! - I can't speak by this point - nothing i am saying makes sence to me - let alone to anyone else - and thats when i start calling the cats odd names - Bender - Brenda - Ralf - Robert - Ohh it's ridiculas - my brain just does not work - Then i try to wash up - and it physically hurts to use my arms - que- PEGGATY BARKING - well - one bark - she hates to be left outside !!
i walk into the table - no co-ordination
fall over cats who have decided they want feeding AGAIN
Let dog in
Feed cats again = I'm a soft touch
Make coffee
Sit in front room - AND I'M OPENING THE FUCKING CURTAINS WETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT ( EX has a thing about the curtains being open - I couldn't careless if people see in - where as he does )
Tom goes to school - Cass eventually gets up - after ex tells her she should NOT be getting into bed with me - I just sit , and sit
He takes Cassia to school - I hoover- Put on the new wax melt burner - wash up - and - ohhhh start this blog - NOW I'M FEELING BETTER !
Alan Just got in and said we could go for a coffee in a minute - so - well - i gotta get ready - YAWN -
ON EVERYBODY ELSE TERMS - DRIVES ME MAD .......
A SMILING LAMB TO MAKE YOU SMILE AFTER THAT LOT !
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