SUICIDAL NOW - IS IT MY BRAIN TUMOURS OR PSYCHOSIS ??

AT THE MOMENT - I HAVE JUST GOT UP ( IT'S 11.11am ) EVEN THOUGH I WAS WIDE AWAKE AND TALKING TO THE CAT ( RODNEY ) AND NO - THIS ISNT A PROBLEM = AND NEVER HAS BEEN TALKING TO ANIMALS IS ''NORMAL'' FOR ME - AND ALWAYS WILL BE .... 

I burst into tears at the Smallest thing ( Cat scratching - I cant get to the shop - as i cant get out alone to get him more flea treatment - when i do get out - i bloody forget to get the stuff - ( third treatment in four weeks - for the animals and the house ! and im scratching and sure he is covered, as are Derek ( Cat ) and PeggatyPawz ( Dog ) who is also starting to loose her hair - BUT - this is a normal thing for her in this irrational weather 

or i start thinking what a shit hand i have been dealt and then OMG - THEN IM OFF ON ONE - i've just taken 5 x Diazepam - and am calm enough to write this down - to try to get people to understand ...

IM GETTING NO BLOODY HELP - APART FROM MY MUM, WHO IS OLDER THAN 31 !!! - AND MY EX HUSBAND ( EX BECAUSE THE ILLNESS WAS FAR TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO BEAR AND WAS MAKING HIM ILL - SO HE IS NOW MY EX ) I WOKE UP TO THIS SONG ON THE RADIO - AND THAT STARTED ME OFF - BUT OMG - ITS HOW I FEEL 

Gotye "Somebody That I Used To Know" lyrics

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company

( NEVER FELT LONELY WITH YOU ) 

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

( WE ARE BOTH GLAD - AND IF ONLY YOU COULD BE FRIENDS )

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love

( I JUST NEED TO HAVE YOUR COMPANIONSHIP ) 

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

( LOL -  THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN AS I WOULDNT LET THEM - BUT - WE ARE STILL LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE AT THE MOMENT - SO - ALL OK THERE ) 

I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

( HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SCREWED ME OVER = BUT - I WANT TO HAVE MY HALF OF THE BUSINESS AND YOU HAVE YOURS )

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done

( ALWAYS FEEL IT'S MY FAULT AND I FEEL YOU THINK ITS MY FAULT THAT YOUR NOT IN WORK - NOT THAT BECAUSE YOU GOT ILL AT THE SAME TIME ) 

And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say

( OMG I SOOOOOO DO ! ) 

You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Such a great song - but - omg - poetic ( If thats the right word) 

and in fact - apart from my Mum ( Who is here at the drop of a hat if need be ) and my Aunt - who would be if i called her - BUT - She - i feel - has enough problems - and i for one - dont want to add to them - Friends and other family say they will help - but - saying and doing are two different things ...

I was told by the UNIVERSITY COLLEGE HOSPITAL LONDON - That i dont have Cushing's disease ( on two Urine samples / one Dex test / and one blood test ) 

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1365-2265.2011.04033.x/pdf

( This is a great Article on Cyclical ) 

I have found the following ( within two minutes of internet searching ) so - I THINK / KNOW - JOBS ARE NOT BEING DONE .........

Cyclic Cushing’s syndrome (CS) is a rare disorder, characterized by repeated episodes of cortisol excess interspersed by periods of normal cortisol secretion. The so-called cycles of hypercortisolism can occur regularly or irregularly with intercyclic phases ranging from days to years

The fluctuating clinical picture and discrepant biochemical findings make cyclic Cushings extremely hard to diagnose. Clinicians should therefore be aware of this clinical entity and actively search for it in all patients with suspected Cushings but normal biochemistry or vice versa. Frequent measurements of urinary cortisol or salivary cortisol levels are a reliable and convenient screening tool for suspected cyclic Cushings and should be tested for repeatedly. 

Cortisol stimulation or suppression tests may give spuradic results owing to spontaneous falls or rises in serum cortisol at the time of testing. 

This diagnosis always requires prolonged study, and hence, detecting cyclical Cushing's syndrome has been a significant challenge to endocrinologists as 24-h urinary-free cortisol sampling is time-consuming and laborious for the patient.

THIS IS ALSO QUITE INTERESTING

Pseudo-Cushing’s 

As reviewed elsewhere, pseudo-Cushing’s state is characterized by a clinical picture resembling true CS together with biochemical abnormalities suggestive of hypercortisolism, which resolves after resolution of the underlying non-endocrine cause. Depression and alcohol abuse are important causes of a pseudo-Cushing’s state. Recognizing that depression and alcohol abuse can cause reversible abnormalities in the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis is important for differentiating cyclic CS from these conditions. Urinary free cortisol excretion shows considerable overlap between patients with depression and CS . Depressed patients frequently demonstrate insufficient suppression of urinary and serum cortisol in response to the 2 mg dexamethasone test . A serum cortisol response to insulin-induced hypoglycaemia is usually preserved in depressed patients, whereas this response is blunted in most patients with CS . The combined 2 mg dexamethasone–CRH test may be used to differentiate between depression and CS with a reported sensitivity and specificity of 100% . Measurement of midnight circulating cortisol is also helpful to distinguish between CS and abnormalities in cortisol metabolism associated with depression.

OK - So - I DON't have CUSHING's - Thats fine - BUT - I still have been told i have a 
Tumour on the left and at the back of my Pituitary Gland - 
I also have Hypothyroidism, 
Diagnosed Duel Personality Disorder and Borderline PCOS OHHH 
AND IM BLOODY HUGE - EVEN THOUGH I EAT A NORMAL AMOUNT ( and no - i cant exercise - as i have been banned from the gym as my head stopped once on the treadmill and i fell off it !! ) and now - I HURT every time i try and do anything EVEN THOUGH I LOVE SWIMMING - im not allowed in case i have an episode ....) ... 

All of which cause PTSD ( Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ) Which in turn causes the below .........

Illnesses that can cause psychosis:

• brain diseases such as Parkinson’s disease, ( MY FATHER HAS PARKINSONS ) Huntington’s disease, and some chromosomal disorders
• personality disorders ( IM DIAGNOSED ! DUEL PERSONALITY ) 
• brain tumors or cysts ( I HAVE 2 X DIAGNOSED PITUITARY BRAIN TUMORS THAT ARE RECEIVING NO TREATMENT )
• dementia (including Alzheimer’s disease)
• HIV, syphilis, and other infections that attack the brain
• hypothyroidism / hyperthroidism ( I HAVE HYPO ) 
• some types of epilepsy
• stroke

Delusional Disorder

A person suffering from delusional disorder strongly believes in things that are not real.

https://uk.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q=UNICORNS+AND+ABILAND

( WELL IT'S REAL AND RATHER LOVELY TOO ME ) 

Psychotic Depression

This is major depression with psychotic symptoms.

( I HAVE ALL OF THE BELOW SYMPTOMS - EXCEPT HALLUCINATIONS - although Dave my Unicorn is always beside me - BUT - he is REAL i tell you ! ) 

Recognizing the Signs of Psychosis

Early stage psychosis:

• difficulty concentrating
• depressed mood
• sleep changes—sleeping too much or not enough
• anxiety
• suspiciousness
• withdrawal from family and friends
• ongoing unusual thoughts and beliefs

Later stage psychosis

• delusions
• hallucinations
• disorganized speech—switching topics erratically
• depression
• anxiety
• suicidal thoughts or actions
• difficulty functioning

BUT NO HELP .......... THIS IS PLAIN RIDICULAS.

I am at the stage that I am thinking seriously about the only two options i have :

(1) Moving out - But  - with this I wont be able to see my two and the MOST wonderful children in the world - as It would be far far far too difficult for me to wave them good bye at the end of a visit - I couldn't do it to them or myself - I also would hate being alone - im actually a very social person - but my illness has made me isolated - if people ask me to go out- or wanna come round - I SAY YES !!! -  lve going out - IF I HAD MONEY !! ( The ex is handling a business we BOTH started and ran ( to be totally frank - he did most of it - but couldnt have done without my mum's guarantor of the mortages and actually my 'sound' mind at the time - which was superb at making the right decisions - - But - since my illness - I have not been able to do a thing - so he has done everything - and been using the money for his own entertainment - although - he paid for the kids xmas pressies - through the business so - thats helped - but - Im living on £80 a week - and thats for clothes / makeup / hair / hygene items / and GOING OUT ... To which i do with mum ( and Gaye my Aunt on a Tues ) two ... Sometimes three times a week - BUT - I cant afford to pay for four peoples lunch and a few 'fun' bits for the kids - as I HAVE NO MONEY ...

if the ex goes out - he uses money from the business - Which - GREAT - at least the kids go and have fun - BUT - I cant do that - as 1) i have no money and 2) im very limited as too where i go ... so it's all very difficult ......

( WRITTEN LATER - OMG - LOOK - IVE DONE THIS BIT TWICE - WITHIN SECONDS I HAD FORGOTTON WHAT I HAD WRITTEN - AND WROTE IT AGAIN ! THATS PLAIN MAD ! ) 

ok - so there is number one choice - MOVE OUT - BE BY MYSELF AND SEE MY MUM AND AUNT - LEAVE MY KIDS AND THE ANIMALS WHO ARE MY ENTIRE LIFE

= I COULDNT TAKE THEM WITH ME AS IM TOO UNPREDICATBLE, AND FRANKLY I SCARE MYSELF - LET ALONE THEM -  AND THE KIDS WOULD BE HEARTBROKEN IF I TOOK THE ANIMALS WITH ME ANYWHERE.. ( This i am adament on - i would NOT and NEVER would be a SINGLE parent - I wouldnt not have had kids if i knew BOTH parents wouldnt be there for them - 
I GREW UP BELIEVING YOU MARRY YOUR BEST FRIEND = someone you love and respect and laugh and joke and trust and communicate with - THAT I DID - 
AND I STILL WOULD BE MARRIED - BUT - APPARENTLY 
= SEX IS FAR FAR MORE IMPORTANT - 
TO SOME ........... 

(2) Take an Overdose ......... I know what your saying - Thats selfish and your only thinking of yourself - It's the weak way out - 
BUT ACTUALLY IM NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS - AND I AM - BELIEVE IT OR NOT - THINKING OF OTHERS - I WANT TO BE HERE FOR MY KIDS - AND WANT TO LIVE THE LIFE THAT I CAN - BUT - IM TOO NASTY TO EVERYONE I LOVE, AND UNPREDICATABLE WHEN IM 'HULK' ME and that part is killing me, But people have shown there true colours and ARE NOT HELPING WHEN THEY COULD AND ACTUALLY SHOULD ( Mmmmmm Maybe that bit is a bit much - ?? People should help others - BUT i know that is unrealistic - they have their own lives )  

- If i wasnt here - 

# The EX would do what he apparently wants to do he would be able to get babysitters and get a ful time job - because I am stopping him 

#  The kids wouldnt be bombarded with THE MOST TERRIBLE SWEARING ( almost tourettes like ) and hide under the bathroom sink because they are so scared of me when i am HULK like 

# Everybody would get resbite from the constant chatting and questions ( I do love to chat and can for hours and hours on end - and this apparently - is exhausting for everyone BUT ME !!

# Will not have to worry about me nicking the car keys, and driving off somewhere, to do what .... Im not sure - But - I keep trying .....

# Everyone would be at peace and know that they are not walking into a war zone

# The Drugs would not have to be locked up

# The food would be ready and cooked properly - ( I forget and lose concentration ALL THE TIME ) 

THE LIST IS HONESTLY ENDLESS - But - yes it's the last option - 

BUT I FEEL IM AT THE LAST OPTION NOW - AS IM GETTING NO HELP ....

( PLEASE BE AWARE OF THE DUEL PERSONALITY THING - IM WRITING THIS SECTION AN HOUR LATER - AND OMG - WALKING ON SUNSHINE- WHEWWW WHEWWW - Well - ok - NOT QUITE - but nearly !! )