No this post is NOT about Ducks - so if you want a nice chat about quackers people duck off now - im being 'swear friendly' to those of you brought up by pussies ! - It has been documented - that if you swear - It brings down your ducking adrenaline hormone and releases - feel good - chemicals into your brain and stops you being angry - AND NOW THE DUCKING KITTEN HAS HAD ANOTHER SHIT - PROBABLY ABOUT THE 39th of the bloody day ................... GOING TO HAVE TO GO SCOOP THAT ASA THE SMELL IS UNBEARABLE - AND IF HE KEEPS TRYING TO COVER IT UP MAKING THAT DUCKING NOISE - I MAY HAVE TO DO SOMETHING I WILL REGRET
OHHHHHHHHHHHH FFS - IVE JUST SAT DOWN AND HAD A SLUG OF COFFEE AND FORGOT I HAVENT WASHED MY HANDS -
MEOWWWWW - OHHH DUCK OFF DEL - IVE FED YOU AND NOW - THIS IS ABOVE AND BEYOND...... Rodney looks on bemused - I definitely got their names the right way round - Rodney - bless him - is a little bit thick ...
GOT BACK FROM WASHING AFOREMENTIONED HANDS AND - WHOEVER TOLD ME THAT BY PUTTING TALCUM POWDER ON CAT LITTER AFTER IT HAS BEEN CLEANED IS A TWAT - WITH A DOUBLE CAPITAL T - THE CATS WENT BACK TO HAVE A LOOK - AS YOU DO - OHHH DONT GIVE ME THAT - YOU LOOKED DOWN THE LOO TO SEE IF IT HAS GONE - AND THEN WALKED OFF AND NOW THERE DUCKING TALC ALL OVER THE FRONT BLOODY ROOM ..............OHHH NOW - THE OTHER ONE IS GOING ...... THIS IS HOW MY DUCKING DAY IS GOING ...... I THINK YOU GET THE IDEA ....
ok - so - this post is NOT about cats - but my bloody day has gone from REALLY DUCKING SHITE to a nice cuppa coffee and a HUGE LAUGH at the WRONG TIME - back to DUCKING BAD AGAIN - and ive been told to blog when im like this - and why ohhh why can I STILL SMELL SHIT ??
WOKE UP - and OMFG I have 2 of the BIGGEST AND MOST ANGRY SPOTS RIGHT ON THE BRIDGE OF MY NOSE - AND THREE ON MY CHIN AND ONE BY MY BLOODY EAR = They arrived overnight - even make up wont cover and they are oooooozing - OHHH SHUT UP YOU WOMAN ... Then I just realised - that I was in a REALLY REALLY BAD MOOD - not your - ohh bugger you type mood - but ohh no this is thr type of mood where I could easily have slammed the car into that ducking BMW rather than just bibbing the horn as mum drove ( I tend to do this a lot - as not enough people - esp those that I drive ith use their hooter enough - so I do it for them ) - have been asked not to drive while on the tablets that I am - AND THEY CALM ME DOWN FFS !!! - anyways - a Beep of mums horn and a VERY VERY LOUD YOU DUCKING ( ok ok - Then - I didn't say ducking ) TWAT ACCOMPANIED BY THE MIDDLE FINGER later and the nice man behind us who HAD been up mums backside ( Not literally ) had retreated to a much safer distance...... ALL TRUE
Anyway - woke up and tried to put make up on - which I gave up with - and went and sorted kids breakie and lunchboxes and CLEANED THE KITTEN CRAP for the very first time - Then went back to bed - SO SO ANGRY - No reason - Just the joys of having a Ducking Tumour in my head that NO BASTARD WILL HELP WITH ... I then decided it was a good move to RING Alan ( The EX Husband - still married - ?? - don't know why ) who now resides in the Log Cabin at the side of the Garden - I think he has ambitions to have an Owl fly to him and drop a letter from Hogwarts, ( We don't have an under the stairs Cupboard ) Just so he can escape the WRATH of meeeeeee ....
The Phonecall went something like " Your ducking children - You look after them - YOU ducking come in now you Ducking twat and Do the whole ducking lot - Im NOT your Ducking skivvy and I don't curtail to your every demand, im going to phone social services when they open and tell them your a gambeller an a drunk ( He is neither ) and get them to rehome the kids - ( I think I went into RSPCA mode then ) ohhh and your a see you next Tuesday ! ! - ( and for those of you that know me - swearing isn't an everyday occurrence - ohh well - not every sentence anyway !! = Its not used all the time - except when im ill - then I CANT DUCKING STOP - Kids call me Tourettes mummy - and its not the normal swear words - its the worst kind you have heard ever - and I make them up too !!
From then I sent about three texts to him and my mum - all along the same lines - all saying he cant have his cake and eat it - ( Not that he does ) and he cant have MY MUM , DAD AND AUNT COME ROUND AND DO HIS FATHERLY DUTIES, so he can go out and have a lovely time - ( Also for the record - I HAVNT BEEN OUT AT NIGHT FOR THE LAST DUCKING 10 YEARS, AND HAVNT HAD A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP FOR CHRIST KNOWS HOW LONG, WELL OVER A YEAR - and as it is I have ONLY ever slept with this man - and NEVER had any other experiences with anyone else - and this guy led me to believe that he loved me and we were to be together - FOREVER - so - I married him -- ok ok - we have been together 20 years - and we were BEST FRIENDS - and did everything together - but now - he has taken EVERYTHING off me - and wont even talk - unless HE IS IN THE RIGHT MOOD AND IS NOT BUSY - - LIKE IM GOING TO EVER GET ANYONE TO LOVE ME and want to be with me NOW I HAVE A DUCKING TUMOUR IN MY HEAD - AND AM OVER 20 STONE - ( even tho I am shexxxxy with it ;) !! ) - ALL THE TIME HE GOES OUT AND LIVES IT UP, and has a wonderful time - MY FAMILY ARE LETS SAY OVER 50 ** COUGH COUGH ** Im being nice - as they may read this !! = and the kids AND I ARE VERY DEMANDING !! He CANT keep telling me im having a lovely time - when im having a SHIT TIME - AND HATE MY DUCKING LIFE ! - ( again not true - but at the time it was 100% true ) I love Blogging, and Google+ and Twitter and Facebook - But - I cant do very much else as pain or concentration or memory etc etc stops me ... OHHH BOLLOX - I CANT REMEMBER WHAT I WAS SAYING NOW ! Anyway he took Cassia to school - who did come in a kiss me - and said she loved me etc etc - ( While Poor Tom who is so so angry with me for being ill wouldn't come near me ) ANYWAYS - Mum then turned up ... at 8.30am = and for anyone that knows my mother - they know it takes her ages to get ready and get every piece of hair in exactly the right spot - make up on etc etc - so - omg - she must have gone some - THATS HIS DUCKING FAULT AS WELL - MAKING MY MOTHER COME HERE AS SHE WAS SO WORRIED - FFS - AL HE NEEDED TO DO WAS TALK TO ME AND I CALM RIGHT DOWN - BUT HE DOESNT WANT THAT DUCKING RESPONSIBILITY ........... Nice for some - I don't want the FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY OF TELLING MY KIDS I DONT WANT THEM WHEN IM ILL AND BEING NASTY TO EVERYONE - BUT I DONT HAVE A DUCKING CHOICE .........
Anyways Mum calms me down - ( the 4 Diazepam also help a bit ) and eventually we go out - ended up at M&S - which is actually where we usually end up - and had a coffee and TeaCake - as you do - lovely - had a nice chat - then - as we walked round got some Burger Buns to tonights dinner and went to pay - BUT THEN - OMG - looked towards the doorway and there is a line up of about ohhhhhh 10 M&S staff - all lined up in a line - ohh generally that's what a line up is - and looking very dour - MOST ODD - I turned to mum and said something - and she said - ohhh there must be a shop lifter - then turned and went to walk out - and got a fit of the giggles as I said Thank you to one of these solumn looking people - who glared at me -
I then proceeded to thank almost every member of staff lined up - all through a fit of the giggles - Mum behind me was doing the same - we got out to the car park absolutely fell about and then said hello to a Yorkie - The dog not the chocolate Bar - ( THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN DAFT ) and the guy who was with it - we then walked to mums car - and just as we got there I realised we had interrupted the minutes silence for the victims of the 7/11 London Bombings - OK OK - NOT FUNNY - but - that was it - I was now in complete and utter hysterics - We has gone along the line - Thanking People who were in rememberance of dead people - for the burger baps we had bought - OK OK - IM SORRY - IM WARPED -
WE THEN DROVE HOME - and I was jumping at everything - and mum just said look out your mirror - Id already sussed it - But couldn't keep it quiet any longer and said - I WOULD IF THE BLOODY THING WAS NOT PUSHED IN !! - Mum has a thing where she WONT USE HER BLOODY WING MIRRORS !! = and I find it utterly hysterical to see how far she gets until she notices - well - last time it was all the way home - and then I told her- but this time it was about 10 miles ! = so better !! That was it - I was then in hysterics again ....... Then In tears as HE walked out of the front door - WHAT THE DUCKING HELL IS HE DOING THERE - WHAT HAS HE BEEN DOING IN MY HOUSE - AND WHY ?? OHHHHHHHHH SHIT HITTING FAN ALL OVER AGAIN - Mum came in with me - as he had sandwiches and a load of paper in his hands and said TO MUM that he was going to Canterbury - and went - ohhh wel - I came in - popping pills as I went - and
Came IN and the smell hit us - THE KITTENS - ohhh you'll have to take my word for it - I cant keep going into detail about how many times I clean them out in a day - and decide - 1 cat is enough to handle - 2 shit for England ...... The poor dog wouldn't even come in to greet us the smell was that bad and she stayed at the back doo - back door open - as her eyes would smart and start watering if she came any closer - Mum love her = cleaned the cats AFTER I had scooped the poop -- as the smell was that bad -
We had a chat - then she went - breathing a sigh of relef as she went through the door - as she had been on the phone to Alan after I decided I couldn't cope with him any more and needed this all sorted - but - he was in car - on an important and VERY VERY secret mission that probably only MI5 will know about .... Actually that's what it is - he has Joined MI5 and that's why he CANT talk to me any more - as I am terrible and cant keep a secret - THATS IT - JACKPOT .... He isn't being nasty and antagonistic, unsympathetic, Hostile, Unfriendly and Triggering me at every chance - HE IS A BLOODY SPY ......
Anyway - I had a coffee - and went to bed - woke up 3 hours later - mum and dad and kids due in a minute, they have ALL HAD TO GO TO DADS DOCTORS MEETING ABOUT HIS PARKINSONS - BECUASE THE EX IS IN CANTERBURY - DOING SPY STUFF - but wanted to get this on - well - not on paper - on - ermmmmmm screen hasn't the same meaning - on - thoughts on ..... written down - that will do - and I have accomplished that YAYYYYY !!! = Now I need Diazepam as my head is killing me and my Spots are oooooozing = and OMG THAT SMELL AGAIN ........
and for those of you who have read it this far - a little surprise :
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