FRIDAY MORNING FUN

OMG Not even 9.30am and ALREADY I have caused mayhem !

The one time in my entire life that i decide to throw caution to the wind and go with my gut - 

and who is behnd me - Ohhhhhhhhh Just guess !

I ran the Red light and next second - Lights and sounds screeching like an angry Pterodactyl start and im there - bewildered - not knowing if i should stop the car and just get out and run, run for my life - ( yeah - a little ott even for me ) or sit and ask the nice officer what for the life of me i have done ( Holds ample bosom here ) - as i seriously DON'T HAVE A CLUE ( OK - OK - a litttle white lie won't hurt ! )

- I turn the music down - a rather good tune playing - and pull over - yes - in that order - well - my seat belt is on at least !
I pull into the side of the road and stop - Handbrake on - and wind the window .... Ohhh it's already down - Mmmm - Weird - cant remember opening that !! - SMILE !!!

Well - The cop came to the window and he was actually totally, out of breath, 

as he was laughing so hard - 

UNBELIEVEABLY UNPROFESSIONAL was my first thinking - and i was a little perterbed ...

Well - I do actually sit - open mouthed - and just look ... it was the weirdest sight ever - a laughing policeman ! ( ohhh so soso close to doing it here i can tell you ! ) BUT

The guy calmed down enough to talk -
" You know that you ran the red light
( I nodded - so sowwwwee OCCIFER ! )
" and yes - that is very very bad - and you should never ever do that again - lucky it was early and no-body was about - BUT i'm not going to give you a ticket "....
I just looked - still bewildered 

.......... " because SERIOUSLY - ( and he did over emphasise this ) That was the funniest thing, i have EVER seen, and my colleague can't even get out of the car because he is going to pee himself laughing ....
I looked at him still totally aghast ??? ...... " I don't understand ?? "

" Well - you had become so engrossed in the song you were listening to and because you were so busy HEADBANGING - and yes - we know the song - and both my partner and I started to sing at the very minute you crossed - we could HEAR YOU COMING ! All three of us were headbanging as you jumped the red !! ( Your rendition of the line " Beelzebub has the devil put aside for me, for me, for meeeeeeeee " - is most memorable - but - what did it for us was the fact that after the headbanging you let out an almighty " Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa " as you actually just went straight through the light ..... Not at all responsible Madam ....

Ohhhhh - BUGGER - NOW I REMEMBER -

opps !

You have to be able to laugh !! RIGHT ??

ohh dear lord .. bless me for i have sinned and sworn - rather alot !

Last night - Watched STEP BROTHERS 




with the kids - and ok - maybe it wasn't appropriate 
BUT FUCK ME, IT WAS FUNNY !!!

SPOILERS - 

but such - CLASSIC LINES -




"Today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled rape at the top of your lungs." 

"You know what gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends."

"One time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands."

"Brennan, that is the voice of an angel. Brennan I cant even make eye contact with you right now. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus". 

and the MY TWO FAVOURITES - 

“This is going to sound weird, but for a second, I think you took on the shape of a unicorn.”




" My ballsack touched your drum set " - 

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JESUS FORGIVE ME !

All of us in utter hysterics from start to finish !





Then ! - bed - and ok - had the usual screams ( lmao - from me ) and then ABOUT TO get into bed - decided i wanted a book - OHHH WHY DO I HAVE TO BE LITERATE !! The whole bedside table fell apart - Vibrating devices, Oils, Batteries, Books, Dice, Blindfolds, Feathers omg . .... EVERYTHING CRASSSSSH ( NO ) BANG WHALLOP onto the floor - 

KIDS race in - 
"Are you ok, are you o.......... WHATS THAT MUM - .... "

ohhhh shit - shout at them to get out - ( because im bad & shout ! ) and then i clear the 'items' off the floor - place in bag and place safely in wardrobe - ok - fling back the bedclothes and JESUS WEPT - IT'S THAT FUCKING SNAKE AGAIN My 13year old ( bd tomorrow ) thinks it is SUCH FUN to put a really life like snake into my bed - this is now the third time - and as my nerves are shot ( i wonder why ) i go BANANANANANANANANA S !! anyways - Snake thrown to other side of room - cats pounces on it ! - ok - that's fine - 



Cats then decides to have a full scale military assault on the snake - and being the velociraptor's they are - take it in turns to concur the slimy beast .... NOISILY ! .. but - to top it all - i needed the loo by now - and ffs - walked through the hallway only to tread on a dead mouse - ( Thank you Derek  Rodney - aforementioned velociraptor's  ) and while cleaning up the carcass became more and more desperate for the loo - and after two kids and a huge amount of weight - Zips getting stuck and my pelvic floor is not what it used to be - JESUS WEPT - screamed - 
" and to top it all i pissed in my fucking onesie " 




- to which BOTH kids erupt in delight - and came running - i have no dignity or shame - and we all fell about in hysterics - 
Thank Christ i have the MOST ridiculas sense of humor - 
Who could cope without being able to laugh at oneself !!

INVISIBLE ILLNESS / DATING - IF THEY ARE INTERESTED - THEY ASK !

HELLOOOO - Well - whata day - OMG

BASICALLY - IF THEY ARE INTERESTED - THEY WILL FIND OUT ABOUT YOU
- AND THEN ASK QUESTIONS -
IF THEY START ON ABOUT SEX WITHIN THE FIRST MINUTE/FIFTEEN MINUTES - THEY ARE AFTER ONE THING ! ( In which case ditch em ! )

WHATA WEEK !!!

Well - I'm back on the dating site after i fell fast and then fell flat,
I joined up again and then within the first 30 minutes - well - i took this

- Loads of messages! - Madness ! - I had only put on 6 photos - 3 length ways and three face, and a Typical Abby Profile Introduction




Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.




IF YOU CAN MAKE A WOMAN LAUGH - YOU CAN MAKE HER DO ANYTHING !!




IF YOUR HOT, SEXY, TALL AND A GENUINE MAN'S MAN -
This is Sooooooooooooooo for you !!!

TOTALLY FED UP OF TIME WASTERS ! - SO BEWARE !




Have a peek at my profile - If you like what you see - and can handle DECENT FUN GENUINE conversation and YOUR NOT GWUMPY, PERVY, TOOO HORNY, OR A PLAYER

GET IN TOUCH




Ohhh : YOU NO SMILE? = ME NO SMILE !

- OR Fish - If you have a photo with a Fish

- I'm Not Interested - FISH ARE NOT SEXY !!




But apart form that ANYTHING GOES !! ;) !




God - am i that fussy !!




hell yeah - and i'm worth it !! - * shakes head * as per Loreal Advert - Just wish i had hair ;) !!!




Mmmmmm - was that message a seduction of words - ohh yes Siree !! -
I KNOW HOW TO WOOOOOO !! pmsl - Like Casper the friendly Ghost ! = boo !! ;)




OK - May sound Loony - BUT - I'm not - My psych said so !! - Ohh i do have a Unicorn - YES - His name is Dave and he is always with me - and YES - i can prove it - so - still not a fruit loop - Just friendly ( NOT IN THAT WAY - BEHAVE ! ) AND FUN !!




Having a few conversations - BUT Tom - Ohhh Just lovely - and OK - He is in Ireland - But - we have been talking about everything, all day long - and he is just lovely ......

5 Hours into a conversation - Yes Yes - I know - and NO - that was not a typo - 5 hours !
HE ASKED THIS !!

• 
  Forgive me, but could you explain what happens during your storms, how does it affect you? Do they last long?

  Today at 3:25pm — Delete

  Reply
• 
  
• 
  

  Tom
  Sorry for asking dense questions.

  I have watched a couple of your videos about 'storms' so I have a little more insight. Forgive my ignorance.

  An hour ago — Delete
• 
  

Ohhh someone who is ACTUALLY INTERESTED - That is a novelty !!
And maybe where i have been going wrong - the genuine guys - THEY ASK QUESTIONS !

Anyways i started typing my reply - and it hit me - OMG I'M MAKING SENCE !! -
and those that KNOW me - know it does not happen too often !! = so - I thought it may help others and decided to blog the answer !! 

NOT A DAFT QUESTION AT ALL !! - AND BEING ASKED IS A HUGE VICISSITUDE !

I kinda take it in my stride - and think that people know what i am talking about !

I go in and out of 'storms' daily !

Depending on what i am doing -

If i do NOTHING i am usually OK - !!

BUT - I mean i have to sit and not think !! - Yes usually in a dark room - with no sound !
lmao - and for someone who can't stop thinking - this is very difficult !! Because then, I imagine !
and Imagining with me could go one way or another - either - into Abiland - and it's all Unicorns and magestic creatures all friends and fluffiness - or


BASICALLY

My storms come in a few different types

Anger
Upset
Rage
Excitement
Confidence
Irritability


All are usually accompanied with headache - but im not talking pain in head - i get IMMENSE pressure, at the back of my head - and also a dull pain right behind my eyes ! I also go VERY fuzzy - and my eyesight goes !! - lmao - this is the tumor pressing on the optic nerve and this can be seen in videos where i kinda shake my head - i am trying to stop the pain and the fuzzyness ! This goes to my speech too and this usually is very difficult to get out - i KNOW what i want to say - alot of the time ;) - but saying it is another matter !! = and then that gets frustrating !! - so - the tourettes mummy ( Thats what the kids call me ! ) comes out and i kinda get a tick ! - Because i get frustrated - i swear ! BADLY - AT ANYONE ! lmao -
I also get ultra confident - ( yup - even more so than this !) and before i had my licence taken - i had in fact pulled over a police car - with four big bald cops in it - and told the driver off for cutting me up ! _ HE HAD - and i was in the right ! - But a tad OTT to tell him off - i was right in the middle of Canterbury at the time - and had stopped rush hour traffic - but - you could hear a pin drop - !!! = Nobody DARE come and stop me - I am a force in itself !! - That's the mix of added Cortisol and Adrenaline ! - It's a hefty powerful thing !!
Ooo - I think i may blog this lot - i am fairly articulate atm - so - it's coming out as it should !! lol - which is amazing as i have the music on - a telephone call to my mother - texting my daughter - and telling you - which for me - is a HUGE accomplishment ! Maybe Too Much Cortisol - and in this case -
where as a 10 mg dose of Diazepam is actually used as an anesthetic - I can take up to 46 mg and it just bring me back to normal conversationalistic abby !! lol !!

.................................................now im bored and going !!

YOU SERIOUSLY WOULD NOT BELIEVE ME - UNLESS YOU KNOW ME !

My Sunday morning started with me SHOUTING -
" I'm Coming, I'm Coming ! "
To which my male Neighbour SHOUTS out
" You go for it Abby Love - But Your window is wide open - i'd shut it if i were you " -
My Reply - Amit bursts of hysterical laughter from both parties -
" Rodney is the bloody cat ! - He's meowing for his food !! ................... Chance would be a fine thing ( Under my breath )  "
to which his response is
" For us both girl - for us both " !!!!!!!!!!




I have not much hope for the rest of the day considering my whole week has been rather full of laughter and idiotic bursts like the afore mentioned -

REALLY SHOULD PUT HEAD INTO GEAR BEFORE I SPEAK - But just not gonna happen = So I have to deal with the consequences as and when the arise

OK - so maybe i should take you back to Monday morning - and work systematically through the week, I had my ASDA Delivery Monday - ( I get this delivered to the house as I can't get to the supermarket and even if i could do a whole shop, the place would see me erupt in chaos and torment of other customers due to anxiety - caused by a tumor in my head - oh two actually - but i won't dwell on that !! ) OK - so he turns up an hour and a half early - * Shakes head * - But - me being me - I am all ready and waiting !! - YOU NEVER KNOW !!!! -
Anyway - I start bringing the bags in - yes yes - shoot me - i pay the extra 40p and have them - * shock horror * delivered in bags !! AN UTTER DISGRACE - Yes - I am - and i bloody love it !!!
Anyways - All goes well until I see the Chicken - Now - this is placed in a 'cook in the bag ' bag - and they usually are FABULOUS - but - i tried a different make this time - today's one was mighty small - so - Just out of interest - I say to the drive - ( Just a little bit o banter )
" Corr this one is small - Does it not get any larger " -
He looks at me -
" erm nope - I can refund it for you "
 I just look at him - "
What why does it not come and bigger
" BECAUSE IT'S DEAD "  he says - and i do have a feeling he has used this one before - because he immediately starts gafforing to himself !! * Eyes to Heaven * Yeah - ok !!
Anyways - I thought that was it - but - Nope - he - At the end of the delivery proceeds to tell me that my entire shop at Tesco would have cost £66.70 -
Laughing I said - "Well least it wasn't £666 " -
 I looked at him - and he said " Oh no - that's what you saved today £6.66  "
OMG FREAKY !!



OK - Tuesday and Wednesday passed with no worries - just spent the days at home - doing a few video blogs and 'thoughts for the day' Videos for my YouTube Channel .... Then - Thursday - Ohhhhhhhhhh Thursday - I remember it well ...

I had an early morning text from a chap I have been speaking to from a Website I use - NOW - Don't go getting all Poe Faced on me - It's called 'BeMyDom' and it is for women / men to find a partner who is basically Confident and self assured - ( and if you KNOW me - you know i DON'T want a wishy washy guy !! )  Now - putting it like that - does not sound so bad does it !! - It's NOT full of Sadistic Weirdo's wanting to tie each other up and flog them  !! ( Well - Not on a Thurs night anyway !! ) Anyways - Charlie Rang - ( He has the MOST amazing voice ) and i said yup i'm free today - come on over - BUT IT IS JUST FOR COFFEE .... He totally understood this - had always been so very honest and upfront with me - and nope - i really wasn't worried = I have him my address - Well I sat down - ( I had already had a shower that morning - and - well - i am without a doubt, of the opinion - " Take me as you find me " - ) Yup, I sat down with a coffee - and went on Facebook =
Charlie continued to text telling me the traffic was terrible - Well - OK - I carried on with FB !
The doorbell went I went to the door -
NOW - REMEMBER - Our conversations had all been totally above board, and yes - being a teacher in a secondary school Charlie was Very Self Assured and Confident - yet - he was fun - so i knew i could have a joke with him and not worry = So - I open the door and greet him ( Remember i have not yet met him ) Putting on my most sexy voice ( Oh stop laughing !! = I do OCCASIONALLY do sexy ! ) I say, without actually looking at him because i'm looking up and down the street ......
" Morning Gorgeous - Kettles on - Quick one first ? " - and start laughing ......
Man at door replies
" ...... erm ................. Could you sign here please ............................ "
and hands me the machine thing to sign for a blinking Amazon parcel ......................................
Well - Me being me - I WAS IN HYSTERICS !!!!!
He couldn't get away fast enough, which made me even worse  !!!!

If it wasn't so bloody funny it would have been erm so embarrassing !! Anyways Charlie did turn up - and he was lovely - BUT - well - Not quite as Confident as he came across on the phone - which is a shame ...  oh and he was bloody married - NOT GOING THERE !!! - So - Nope - won't be meeting again - but - Onto the next one !!!!! .......... At least had a lovely coffee and a nice chat - and - he was a great conversationalist ! - so - all good !! ...



Ohhh - No - Not stopped yet - it's not that easy being me !!!

Doing spelling with Cassia Thursday night,
"Mmmm - OK - Cass, How do you spell 'Crocodile ' "
to which she responds :
" Mmmm - That's NOT on my list - but - ' K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' - There you go "
 ... and she looks at me -
"Mmmm - Not bad i say - but - nope "
She looks at me - eyes getting smaller -
" Well - YOU asked how I would spell it - and that's how I SPELL IT "
She walks off !! Stopping me in my tracks - lmao - Well - can't fault her on that !!

Well - i guess my kids have to have attitude coming from me !!

OK - and lastly - Friday Morning - all sorted - Kids off to school - breakfasted and clean - Animals sorted out - Now - ME - Need a shower = and actually - that should be NEED !! .... lol - so - in i go - Now - i always have the window wide open - just so the windows don't steam up - i hate steamy windows - OK - OK - Tina may like em - BUT I WONT ( Omg - have i just shown my age there - Gotta be on my wave length to get that one !! )
Anyways - Start my Shower - Mmmm Lovely - and just bought a new lather up soap dispenser that makes everything soapy - omg - this is sounding a little erotic - WHICH IT IS NOT - so - anyways - shower - and - a ****ing bird flying into the bloody bathroom is NOT what i was expecting -
YOU REALLY COULD NOT MAKE IT UP - a starling i think it was, Flying round - bumping into everything - all the bottles fell off the side - it bumped into the mirror on numerous occasion - totally bewildered it was - As i would have been to be confronted by me - as i fly on my merry way - Because i - without a doubt - make a merry bird - but - OK - bird in bathroom - Out of shock - i stepped back - and yeah - this is where it starts - I fall back on all the lovely soap suds and WALLOP my head on the side of the bath - While i regain a sort of semi conciousness - the bird is now about 40 seconds into it's ordeal and is really starting to both wind me up and worry me - he is going to hurt himself in a second - why can't they just sit still when they find themselves in this sort of bewilderment -



So - I get out of the shower - Stark Naked - ( Ohhh Stark - reminds me of Iron Man - YUMMY !! ) OK OK - I digress again - so - I am looking at the bird- and he is looking at me - ( Yes I know it is a male bird - because he is giving me a rather - 'you are odd' kinda look, that most guys give me !! ) OK - I state in no uncertain terms -
" I AM NOT PICKING YOU UP - FLY OUT THE WINDOW  - LOOK - THAT ONE "
and i point to the window - The bird DOES kinda follow my gaze - but - just carries on looking - really dazed - anyways - OK - realization hits and i'm going to have to get the bird - i'm not phased by this - he was quiet now - so - i throw my towel over him - and SLOWLY - I don't want to fall over - Bloody hell - Whale and Bird found in bathroom - yeah - i can just see the headline now !!!
Actually - that would read " Shhhexy RAVVVVVVVVVVVVVISHING whale and bird found in Bathroom " ( Watch my YouTube Videos and you will understand that ! )
OK OK _ Im walking down the stairs - not holding on - and open the front door - I decide that i can't just let the bird go - as he might come back in - and then i would have him flying round the downstairs, and what with Peggaty ( Dog ) Del and Rodney ( Cats ) That is a situation i do NOT want to find myself in - So - I walk out the front door - just a few feet - I release the bird - and as you do - I kinda FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY him up into the passing breeze - Mmmm - He falls flat - Plummets to the floor, Dead - ( I had not killed him - the shock did ....  )
SHIT.
I look down - ****ING HELL = Towel was round bird - I'm naked  - Yeah - well I bloody would be wouldn't I .....



The bird stayed where it was - on the Drive - and I RAN - WELL, WOBBLED back into the house and slammed the door - I won't lie and say people were there - No-body saw me - but please - ONLY ME !


and omg i hope this is it for this week now - I'm seriously just going to sit in front of the computer today and relive moments of the last week and blog - i'm NOT doing anything else - Anything else is DANGEROUS ( Ohhhhhhhhhhh Spoke too soon - sat here with window WIDE OPEN - Sat here singing - cats going in and out of the window - Yeah - you heard right im sat here singing - by the open window - Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - I should have seen it coming -
Tap on Shoulder - " ******** AND ********* AND ************** **** FOR **** SAKE .... "
Next door neighbour - LAUGHING -
" Corr you do like your windows open AB - EVERYONE can hear you " -
" FFS - I'm doing nothing wrong here - i'm sat singing - " = I was a little perterbed now !!
I look outside window - Neighbour / dog / wife and child all watching - FFS !!
Turns speakers down - Well at least i'm happy !!!
Happy - Pharrell Williams playing !!

EVERYONE GET, STAY AND BE HAPPY -
It's easier to smile than it is too frown !