Is it me being Jealous ( I guess if truth be told - yes - a bit of it is - ) BUT :
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE ----
Should I not EXPECT the help and support of FAMILY and friends - but - foremost - FAMILY ????
APPARENTLY NOT
( Please take out my Mother and Father - Who TRY their very best - and my Aunt - Who is there should i or ANYONE IN FACT ever EVER need her ) BUT - Everyone else - well - " - If you need us - we'll be there " .... " We love you unconditionally " ....... " - Just ring .... and if we arnt doing something else - we will help .. if we can " .......... and then when i ring - " - ohhh take a tablet - you'll be OK " - Sorry Ive had a drink - i cant get to you - ! " - AT THAT POINT I TOOK AN OVERDOSE - which no-one ever talks about - Ohhhhhhhhh Just Abby being Abby - ATTENTION SEEKING ...
READ THE FUCKING BLURB ON MY CONDITION - I'M NOT OVER EXAGGERATING - OR DWELLING - OR USING IT TO MY OWN FUCKING ENDS -
OK - I am just going to mention the DIAGNOSED CONDITIONS THAT I HAVE -
I have not one - but TWO bloody Pituitary Tumour's - ( Just behind the eyes, A Brain Tumour - That ATM - Tests are being run - and trying to reduce them with meds - Pituitary disorders are considered rare. It is estimated that there are between 50,000 and 70,000 pituitary patients in the United Kingdom, which equates to 0.08% - 0.11% of the population. - Many patients with a pituitary disorder will require life-long drug treatment and monitoring and their condition will, potentially, impact on many if not all aspects of their life. )
AND I also have Diagnosed ( lol - I haven't diagnosed it - a Professional consultant has !! lmao !! ) =
Organic Personality Disorder ( Due to the pressure in my head - that the Tumours Cause - I can 'Storm' in seconds if 'anything' happens that i cant cope with - Organic personality disorder causes people to exhibit anti-social or harmful behaviours that they are not usually known for exhibiting. The causes centre around damage to the brain that may have been caused by pituitary tumours, In rare cases, thyroid disease may cause an organic personality disorder, Pituitary Organic Duel Personality is different from other types of emotional pain. The fact that this type of patient is very vulnerable, and opens up to an emptiness signifying the dissolution of identity, imbues the reactive anger with an intensity and hardness rarely seen in other kinds of anger, The Pituitary Duel individual, at certain phase's of development, are prone to intense anger, an irrational rage, which may take the form of acute explosions or be chronic and vengeful. This Pituitary rage is provoked by the slightest—real or imagined— insult, such as not being seen, understood, or appreciated, in the way one feels he / she deserves - It has several characteristics that differentiate it from other kinds of anger and rage: It feels and appears irrational, for it is greatly out of proportion to the situations that provoke it ..... This gives the Pituitary rage the quality of being uncontrollable ..... This rage tends also to be acted out because, in addition to righteousness and indignation, there is a sense of entitlement ..... The irrationality and uncontrolled quality make the person closed to others’ responses or reasoning ..... He / She is very sensitive, but the rage makes her unaware of this sensitivity ..... This defence and denial of her unusual sensitivity to failures of the object leads to an attitude of blame ..... This blaming and defensive character of Pituitary rage gives it an isolating quality. It makes her insensitive to and unaware of the condition of the other ..... This schizoid quality is reflected in the actual energetic state of Pituitary rage. She feels, and is perceived by others as, hard and impenetrable, almost inhuman ..... There is a meanness in this reaction, a desire to inflict pain, to get back, to avenge oneself for being slighted and humiliated ...)
I am also Diagnosed with Hypothyroidism ( This is when the thyroid produces less thyroid hormone than it should which causes the metabolism to run too slow. This is called hypothyroidism, myxoedema or an underactive thyroid.There are many signs and symptoms of an underactive thyroid the main ones being:
- Weight gain
- Slow movements, thought and speech
- Pins and needles
- Breathlessness
- Dizziness
- Palpitations
- Loss of libido
- Dry/gritty eyes
- Hoarse voice
- Difficulty swallowing
- Hair loss especially outer third of eyebrows
- Dry skin
- Muscle and joint pain
- Carpal tunnel syndrome
- Loss of appetite
- Constipation
OK - so - They are my actual DIAGNOSED ILLNESSES ...... Some of my FAMILY see fit to IGNORE this - and believe the problem will go away - or Abby is just being Abby !! ........................................
OK - THIS IS NOT THE CASE This - is NOT going to go away ................ - Generally - when ANYBODY See's me - I am ME ...... Happy, Fun, Chatty, Funny, Daft, Bubbly, and a Lover of Coffee !! - lol - But - I am Positive and motivational - AND NO - MY ILLNESSES DON'T WORRY ME !! I HAVE EMBRACED AND CHOSEN TO BLOODY FIGHT THEM ...... but - What i cant cope with - is people PRETENDING there is nothing wrong with me - or Trying to Motivate me - Jee me up - Tell me I'm looking fabulous and thus must feel fine - Tell me to go and see the doctor - OMG The list is endless - I PROMISE you - I am doing everything in my power ......
IF i say I cant go out - or i don't want to do something - IT'S BLOODY BECAUSE I KNOW - THAT IF I DO - I WILL FLIP ....... I KNOW THE CAUSES AND THE OUTCOMES and it is far far far easier for me to be at home - all alone - than be with family or friends or ANYONE - if there is going to be more than one or two - as i try to listen to EVERYONE - and then that starts my head whirring, that then makes me angry - then the people lack of knowledge that this is all going on makes me even angrier, then someone says something i SHOULD but i don't understand - I say i don't understand - and they try to explain - BUT - this just makes me switch off - then i get upset that my head shuts down - and THEN I GET ANGRY = and I'm not talking Just a little upset - I'm TALKING FULL ON HULK MODE - GET OUT OF MY WAY I'M GONNA THROW YOU DOWN THE STAIRS AND THEN BODY SLAM YOU AT THE BOTTOM - all 20 stone of me ...... Yeah - OK - I make it into a joke - as its the ONLY FUCKING WAY I CAN COPE - BUT - i lose control - to the degree - that i cant be left with my own children anymore = My EX is now my EX - and members of my own family would prefer to spend their Christmas with FRIENDS and children of friends - than their own flesh and blood - Ive not even been contacted about anything - I'm just left out .......... But - then being fair - i forget everything that's said to me - or just say no - because if more than two people are there it will make me Go Mad...... -
So - OK - This Christmas - My Kids My Mum and Dad and The EX - is going to be at our house ( parents cooking the Turkey and meat and potatoes as our cooker has blown up ) AND I'M PETRIFIED that music will be put on - as - even sitting here on my own - the noise of me on the computer keyboard is too much - I LOVE MUSIC - but cant listen to it - as concentration takes too much and gives my head a jolt and i get headaches and pressure in my head - that then winds me up - and i cry - then get angry at crying - and then i tale myself away from everyone in case i flip - so - theres me on my own - AGAIN !! ......
OK - so - leave the music off - and i get upset that I'm ruining it all for everyone - BUT - i get over that - next thing - MESS - omg - i cant stand mess - and everything has to be in it's place - but OK - a big bag - and it should be fine - Next thing - more than one person talking at one time - I TRY TO LISTEN TO EVERYONE - as i don't want to be rude - BUT i cant - as then my head actually stops - I then get massive pressure - and tears start to roll - THEN i take myself away to my room - as an anger storm is very close ........ BUT - certain members of my FAMILY wont know this - as they DON'T AND WONT READ ANYTHING about my fucking condition - and as soon as i leave or blow - it's a case if - Ohhh she is attention seeking - or not getting her own way ..... - so - to combat this - they ignore me .......
In fact - the thing i am doing is TRYING TO TAKE MYSELF AWAY SO I DON'T RUIN IT ALL - i don't want to be centre of attention - AT ALL - I want to join in - yes - BUT - not to that extent !! - I just want to be included - BUT - IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAT PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO FAMILY - ARE INCLUDED IN A FAMILY WHERE I AM SHUT OUT ......... ( exclusions here again please ) - now to me - THAT'S NOT RIGHT ........ I'm VERY VERY sorry that these people don't have their own families - and yes - EVERYONE DESERVES SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY - But - I have this sort of big family - and well - lol - I'm sat here on my own typing this !!!!!!
Now - i know alot of this contradicts itself - I want attention / but i don't want attention - i want help - but i don't want help - but - look at the actual thing I'm saying - I'm saying NO / DON'T - because it will DISRUPT YOU - NOT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO ....... All i ever want to do is go out - and if it is just one on one - or two people and me - then that's fine - but - anymore and it's a given - I WILL FLIP - and people stare and they worry and I get asked if i want an ambulance - I cant walk, or talk or move my head - EVERYTHING STOPS - Ohhhhhhhhhh - Abby attention seeking ......... NO IT FUCKING ISN'T - IT'S ABBY BEING CLINICALLY AND DIAGNOSED LY ( is that even a word !! ) ILL !! It's not something i asked for - and not anything i would ever wish on my mortal enemy - ohhhhh now - Do i have a mortal enemy = I don't actually think i do !!! so - OK - I wouldn't even wish it on Stephen Mofatt who wrote David Tennant out as the tenth doctor - NO - too bad even for that ........ AND THAT SAYS SOMETHING !!!
So - Today is Christmas Eve - I had my Hair cut - and then i dyed it - The kids and EX went out about 11am to his mums - to pick her up - and then to visit his sister - and then to his other sister for Dinner - a Xmas Party tonight - Now - don't get me wrong - I couldn't go as they wind me right up - They don't talk to me - or if they do - it's all superficial - and they think I'm making it all up - I guess to trap the EX - So - I don't blame them - but - too many people = So - I'm here on my own - Till later tonight - will they have eaten dinner - WHO KNOWS - i cant use the cooker - because i forget - and i forgot to get a ready meal at asda - mainly because i was ordering 900 tea bags ( and i hate tea ) and 10000's of Mince Pies !! - GOD KNOWS !!! = So - Sandwich - BUT - i don't want to use the stuff i have bought - as its for Christmas - and IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS YET !! = So - I'll have Toast !! No-Bodies fault - that's just the way it is -
Tomorrow Xmas Day - Present opening - That's OK - But - I know - because the EX isn't fussed on watching the kids open presents - I will be starting to get angry - AND I KNOW - If you KNOW it's going to happen - Just DON'T ! = ohhhhh - if ONLY it was as easy as that !! I KNOW it's going to happen - and thing is - I CANT STOP IT - it's a trigger ... Anyway - wait for EX - Have coffee - watch kids open pressies - THAT should hopefully be fun - EX to start dinner - I'll clean up - Then parents round - CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM CALM Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm !!! Watch kids opening pressies from Mum and Dad and listen to them saying HOW MANY PRESSIES THE KIDS HAVE GOT ....... over and over !!! - Not their fault - but - we have spent less this year on both kids - and lots less than the going average - and yet - i still feel we are being told it's too much - and an orange would do - ........ So - Stress levels - UP UP AND AWAY !! ...... Calmmmmmmm !!
OK - If I make it to dinner - it should go fine - and everyone will enjoy it - Then washing up - I will insist on doing it - as i should - as it's my house - and everyone else has done the dinner - and i should and WANT to do my fair share = sometimes this is OK - and sometimes - OMG this puts me in HUGE and unbearable pain - Head down - arms moving - and this starts pressure in my head - i cant talk - or move and my head shuts down, giddy - Need to sit - crying - no reason - that's when i need a quiet dark room - NO STIMULATION - then i can calm down - and get the head working again - Mum and dad will then go - I will come downstairs and watch a bit of TV and all be OK - THAT'S A GOOD DAY !!!
Boxing Day - It has now been brought to my attention that a few people are going that are NOT family = - So - ONLY BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO APPEAR RUDE OR OBNOXIOUS OR ARROGANT OR A FUCKING LUNATIC = i have said i will now NOT be going - ( my mum had arranged for her and the kids to sit with them on the Big person table - and myself and the EX would sit together on a two seated table - so i could just concentrate on one person ) - BUT - Because i KNOW other people are there that DON'T know me - i am now - OVERLY ANXIOUS AND WELL - MY HEAD IS ACTUALLY DOING A SPIN just typing this - I Cant go - If it was JUST Family - I would have no hesitation that if i 'Stormed' well - they could just get on with it - and i would go sit in the car - again - BUT - now there are others in the mix - and to have me sat there head in hands in floods of tears because the pressure in my head is too much - usually due to music - and OK - over thinking = then - it's going to make it difficult - and i don't want to embarrass anyone of my family - esp in front of their friends - So - Ive told the EX to take the Kids to mums for the Lunch - and then - ohhhhh THEN - the EX needs time out - so HE is going off out on a night out -
( He has three nights a week away from ME, and he pub's it - ) BUT he needs extra over Christmas -
( I GET NOTHING - If im out - im with mum, Aunt or the EX ) I DONT get 'me' time - ( Although this year I have been out a few times with friends - during the day - and four times with a chap i have met - THATS IT - NEVER AT NIGHT - If i go out at Night - i get - Ohhhh Your OK to go out are you - Well - Cant you get a job then ....... )
- so - My Parents are having the kids overnight on Boxing Day - so - I Will be here from about 12 Lunchtime - till 11;30am the next day - MERRY FUCKING BOXING DAY TO ONE AND ALL ..... OK OK =- that's not nice and not fair - It ISN'T ANYONE'S FAULT that I'm ill - and yes - everyone needs time out and time away from me ( I am TOTALLY AWARE i am a living nightmare to be with ) - and he needs to have a good time - BUT FUCK ME - I DO NOTHING !! -
Again - not proportioning blame to anyone - even though it sounds as if i am - BUT - id LOVE to go out - and even just go for coffee - SOMETHING - But - I have to think - Is it going to be too busy / - yes - don't go = The i have people say - Ohhhhh You'll be OK - and i will PUSH myself - do it - get home - and OMFG THEN THAT'S THE BIGGEST FLIP OF ALL TIME - That's a 17 Diazepam Job that is - then its anger and pain and frustration and pressure and everything all rolled into one - BUT - Because i have MADE myself do it- and the person has seen this - then - OHHHHHHHH CURED - It's all in your head - Just fight it - and it's going to be fine - THEY DON'T SEE THE AFTER MATH - OR ME FLIPPING AT MY KIDS OR THE EX - Or trying to knife my wrists or trying to get the car keys off the ex -
Please please please - although - YES IT IS ALL IN MY HEAD - It is NOT and it has NEVER been a Mental Illness = It's because i have bloody Tumours pressing on parts other things cannot reach !!!!!!
I will fight this - and if i am ME - I am happy - I'm pleased that i do my photos and my Blogs and my video channel for youtube and my pinterest boards, and the people that do Understand me - Friends with the same thing - who are going through the very same stuff - they are my saviour - and thank god we are all as nutty as each other
= BUT = PLEASE don't for a minute think that if i say NO - I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT
- I ACTUALLY MEAN NO - I CANT DO THAT
- I'D BLOODY LOVE TO - BUT I CANT
.............. Even if there was a slight possibility that i could - ID TRY = If it wont upset or embarrass or annoy anyone -
I ALWAYS TRY -
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