MARVEL, MOTIVATION, SMILING, CONVERSATION, SHREK AND FLIRTATION !

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD AFTERNOON ONE AND ALL........

RIGHT - KICK UP THE BACKSIDE TIME ( YES CAPS WAS NEEDED FOR THAT ! )

Have JUST woken up - after getting up at 7am - making AND cooking a Beef Stew ( Which No-body apart from the EX likes !! ) Doing ALL the Hoovering, and Cleaning - and Washing - A short chat with the EX after he came back from School Run - and that was it - I couldnt keep my eyes open - Even tho i was so excited about having the whole day free to watch NETFLIX - which i have Organised so i can watch David Tennant in Jessica Jones 

- a new Marvel series where a former super hero decides to re-boot her life to become a private investigator - then - her ex turns up - a rather scarey and rather sexy Mr T !! I have already watched the First Episode - and Although it is DEFINATELY not one for the kids to watch with me - ( I had to turn away at some of the sexual scenes !! ) It is going to be FABULOUS !! = Really gripping stuff !! - and the only other thing i wanted to watch was DAREDEVIL where A blind lawyer, with his other senses superhumanly enhanced, fights crime as a costumed superhero... This one could POSSIBLY be watched with the kids - BUT having watched the first episode already - OMG - another one i am hooked on !!! Its Fabulous - and helps that the guy is HOT !!!
There was a long story behind this - which involves Netflix being watched on the Xbox - that i cant work - and the EX or one of the kids having to put it on for me before they went out - and me sitting there - watching - like my life depended on it - while they were gone ( The other thing i had to watch on there was 40 shades of Grey - Not Kid proof - so - having to watch alone - boooo = But - BLOODY CAT DEREK - kept coming over - and sitting on the xbox - turning it off !! - and - me being brain dead - couldnt switch it back again - DelBoy would then look at me - chirp - brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - and walk off - head held high - as if to say - YOU shouldnt be watching that FILTH anyway !! 

Anyway after about the fifth time of TRYing to watch- I did - All good - I even got it back on HCM11 cable (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) after Del turned it over - and watched the rest - I WAS THRILLED with myself - and NOW - Cassia has shown me how to use the xbox - SO - OMG - THE WORLD IS MY LOBSTER - Unless i forget and end up throwing it threw the window !! ;)
Anyway - TODAY i was going to watch a marathon of Jessica Jones and Daredevil - BUT - i was too tired - so i went to bed - thinking id be up at 12 or something - Lunchtime - and would catch a few episodes then - BUT NO - I stayed in bed ASLEEP = till 4pm - Just as the kids got home - SO NO BLOODY NETFLIX FOR ME - BUT We do have THE FLASH Taped - ( ohh ok - not taped - but SkyPlus ed !! ) The Flash is once again Marvel - and about Barry Allen ( Which is why my ex likes it so much as his real name is Alan Barry ! ) who wakes up 9 months after he was struck by lightning ( not quite lightening - but a force sent out by a blast from a nuclear factory ! )  and discovers that the bolt gave him the power of super speed. With his new team and powers, Barry becomes "The Flash" and fights crime in Central City. OK OK - You could say I rather love Superheroes !! Always have really - I do like the Unimaginable - although - i can definately imagine

https://www.pinterest.com/abigailcollin/unicorns-and-abiland/

 - so - maybe NOT unimaginable - lol !! Mmmmmmmmm Motivation - My Motivation i get from lmao - Can i say being me - or is that not really explainative enough ?? - naaa - its not is it - ok - i get motivation from making people happy - and smile - and comments etc - so - I do Twitter, and YouTube, and Google+ and Facebook - also a few more - that ONLY close CLOSE friends know about - so - THIS helps build confidence and motivation - I am now at nearly 500k views on Google - and have now 200 followers on Twitter - and i am thrilled - I love tweeting - I tweet motivational / positive stuff to people and have lovely comments back - BUT - i also post about my illness - and about animals and helping them etc also funny stuff and interesting stuff - so its not all grinny ... lol - Have a peek and subscribe AbigailBarry1 !! I actually find a great deal of motivation in doing nice things for people -  - recently i have sent a load of clothes to a dear friend who doesnt have alot, we are the same size - and i had a wardrobe clear out - and knew she liked black and a few other bits and bobs - so - i wrapped them up - as only i can - in a black dustbin bag - because i couldnt get out to get a box - and - i thought it better she had them sooner - rather than wait and wait - so i did it all up - and sent it - - The clothes were nearly new - and new - and so - Its not doing any harm - and i so hope the lady in question is not offended - I seriously didnt want her to be - i was trying to help - I WANT NOTHING FROM THIS - I DONT WANT ANYTHING - I just feel far more useful and helpful and actually 'i feel good about myself' for doing this - I cant do alot for other people - so - if i can help someone - when i do - i enjoy it and it makes me SMILE  !! 

OK OK - LASTLY - CONVERSATION - Most people who KNOW me - Knows - that conversation makes me smile - if im down - after i have chatted - omg i cheer up soooo much - ok this may be the same for lots of people - but - when i am in a low - I can talk and Talk for hours and hours - and it not do a thing to me - but everyone else is exhausted ! = I really do go on and on - But i need an outlet - and thats what it is - lol - talking - once i have got the flow out - lol - im fine again and can carry on - otherwise - i fester - and by fester i mean i sulk and end up wanting to top myself !! - BUT this Blog is HAPPY AND FUN - AND ABOUT ME - Ohhhh - lmao - that is about me - and i can get to be a depressive old hag from time to .... ohhh i was going to put time to time - but - it seems to happen rather alot more than that - and now im going down the same road again = Which makes me think of the song - ON THE ROAD AGAIN !! from Shrek !!

Donkey: on the road again..I can’t wait to get on the road again.Shrek: what did I say about singing?Donkey: well can I whisle?Shrek: no!Donkey: well can I humm?Shrek: Alright.Donkey: hmmm hmmm hmmmm hmmmm hmmm.

Or for those who like the visual: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Myb-eAt_RxY.

Omg i love that film - the first time it came out i was mesmerised - and Donkey - Of course - is My favourite character !! BUT OMG I do love Puss in Boots too - omg - that face !! 

MY FAVOURITE DONKEY SAYINGS - Yes - I am SOOOOOOO going there !!  : 

Donkey: We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles! 

Donkey: I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. 

[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava] 

Donkey: Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on moving, don't look down...
[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey... ]
Donkey: Shrek, I'm looking down! 

Donkey: All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

OMG - You see how i can switch sooo quickly - one thing pops into my head and thats it - whoooshhhh im off - on a different track = really quickly - and what you dont see - is that all this has only taken me about twenty minutes to write - as i am at top speed atm - and and totally HYPER !!! ;) 

And now - why - dont ask me - but im thinking again about the video i did for my YouTube Channel about Flirting - lool - YES ME - FLIRTING - The one who tends to start laughing and goes into full wink wink wink wink mode when flirting - OHHH CARROT !! 

They say anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good - pmsl - What do i do with my mouth - BLOODY DRIBBLE !! ;) = Yeah - Thats sexy !! and my video is actually serious - omg - i have to look at it again - because - WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW ! _ 

LMAO = Im just me - and i fart and swear and am totally unladylike and tell someone i have just met ( Who i actually really really like ) that his shirt is 100% not matching his suit - Then i ask for a Coffee - Strong - and a Bacon Sandwich - and pick at it - and i mean - I eat it - totally - BUT yes - I eat my sandwiches by tearing the crust off - then eating it - eat half of the soft bit - then the other half - THEN THE BACON - then do the same to the bottom layer of bread - THEN the second half - i eat all the bread - as per the first - and then the bacon LAST - OHHH IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL - I then have the taste of the bacon in my mouth - ohhhhhhh MOUTH again !! = lol -  SEE - THATS SEXY !!  - I DID SEXY !! - Maybe i should send this to all future dates !! - lmao !! - and now - Dates - and all i think of is an actual date - I LOVE them !! = The decent ones that is - ;) = YES - IM TALKING FRUIT NOW = Is a date a fruit ?? - Yeah = Dried fruit !! YUM ! 

WHATA WEEK ! - A DATE, CORTISOL, DR WHO AND TRAVELATORS !!

What a life I lead - No-one and I mean NO-ONE would believe it !!
People would HONESTLY think I make half it up - and the other half is done for effect or attention seeking reasons !! - PMSL  IF ONLY !
And it's not even half term ! - That's when it USUALLY goes Tits up !!

I have a Pituitary Brain Tumour x 2 - and a lesion ( yeah - you know about as much as me on that !! ) - I also have Hypothyroidism and ALSO now been diagnosed with DPD !!! Duel Personality Disorder to you and me !! - So - I think you could expect it to be a little eventful - BUT PERRRRRLEASE this is totally getting ridiculas now - I don't know if im coming or going - LMAO - where in fact im actually STANDING STILL for most of it - as I cant get out without someone with me !! And someone - means  - anyone - lmao - even the man next door ( poor Dave - lmao - he is a lovely guy actually and I don't think he would be strong enough to handle me in an ASDA situation !! ;) - Daves lovely - But quiet !! = Where as - im lovely AND SOOOO NOT QUIET ! )

OK - so - lets start off on Tuesday - OHHH SHUT UP - I START ON TUESDAY AS MONDAY I WAS ASLEEP - ohh see - not there - ive done it - I started with Monday even when I didn't want too - that was YOUR fault !! = FFS - I always get so easily led .... ok - so - Monday , ohhh lets do this strategically ( omg - this computer just Spelt that as I was wrong - THAT IS MIND BLOWING ) - OK OK -

MONDAY - SLEPT - ALL DAY ( I splet as I was manically busy sunday - due to a Cortisol high levels - and - omg - im so helpful - Have a peek at this -

9 Signs That I Have WAY Too Much Cortisol.

1. I'm not sleeping well.
Cortisol levels are supposed to drop at nighttime, allowing your body to relax and recharge. But my  cortisol levels are too high, and even if i've been tired all day, I get a second wind right around bedtime. Then I toss and turn all night, and my mind wont stop – and I feel tired again the next day.
2. Even when  have slept well, I'm still tired.
3. I'm gaining weight, even when I eat well and exercise as much as possible
Cortisol tends to make you put on weight, even when you’re doing everything “right.” - I was told it was because my body has gone into Famine mode - and everything goes on as fat
4. I catch colds and other infections, and Bruise so easily.
Cortisol deactivates your body’s natural self-repair mechanisms,
5. I crave unhealthy foods at odd times.
Cortisol raises your blood sugar. High glucose levels then bump up your insulin levels, which then drop your blood sugar – and all of a sudden – yes, you've guessed it – I'm struck with wild cravings for Rich Tea Biscuits in my case .
6. I experience backaches and headaches.
When  cortisol levels are high over a long period of time, your adrenal glands start to get depleted. This raises prolactin levels, increasing the body’s sensitivity to pain, such as backaches and muscle aches. Excessive cortisol also hypersensitizes the brain to pain, such that even the slightest twinge can excite the nerves of the brain, causing headaches. - Also - with my Pituitary Tumour - I get Headaches right behind the eyes, and pressure at the back of my head - all due to the amount of cortisol in my blood
7. My gut acts up.
My gastrointestinal system is very sensitive to stress hormones like cortisol.  I can experience nausea, heartburn, abdominal cramps, diarrhea, and constipation as a result of too many stress hormones. 
8. I feel anxious CONSTANTLY !.
Cortisol and epinephrine can lead to jitters, nervous stomach, feelings of panic, even paranoia, Yep - you guessed it - I get all of these - all the blinking time !!
9. I feel blue.
I don't mean cold - ( Although I fluctuate from hot and cold all the time ) but - High levels of cortisol suppress production of serotonin, and next thing you know, you’re awash in doom and gloom, and this happens at the click of a finger - and then - equally as fast - i'm fine again -

These are what I keep referring to as STORMS !! - High and low Cortisol Levels - and I can go from a Rage to a laughter to a blue to a suicidal 'storm' all within an hour = TRYING LIVING WITH SOMEONE SO FLUCTUATING - ME - well - I just kinda go with the flow - lol - I know when im ok - and when im not - BUT Knowing enough to take medication is another matter !!!

OMG - THE MONDAY THAT I DIDNT WANT TO DO - HAS LASTED FOR AGES - !!

TUESDAY - OK - so - Tuesday was a good day - I HAD THE FIRST DATE OF THE YEAR ( I know Im sooooo very very fussy !! = I get LOADS of messages on the dating websites that I am on BUT ... omg - I lose interest so fast ... Guys are usually after one thing - or Fake - or NOT my type - and the ones that are saying all the right things - I don't fancy = and YES - YOU DO NEED TO FANCY THEM !!! - I have recently changed my profile - the write up about yourself - as apparently - my last one was too many - don't do this and don't do that's on it - LMAO - so - here is a glimpse of my Dating Profile

My Profile Picture - Taken 20/11/2015

ALL PHOTOS ARE ALL RECENT -
I'm the sort of girl who Owns a Unicorn called Dave - AND NO - IM NOT MAD -
BUT - lmao - I have a Pituitary Tumour. = If your interested - Look it up !!!
Btw id drive you to the station at 3am ( im defo best in the mornings !! )  after making you a coffee, just so you were not late for business ( ok - I would if they hadn't nicked my licence ( illness not drunken loutish behaviour !! ;) !! pmsl - BUT I would WAVE FRANTICALLY AT YOU !! ;) !! )
AND ID GIVE YOU THE BEST KISS OF YOUR LIFE, So you cant wait to get back to me!
NOT HERE FOR A CARER OR SYMPATHY, or a guy with just a few hours to spare !
The girl you want is next one along - lol -
I want your time, effort, and playfulness!
EVERYONE MAKES AN EFFORT IF THEY ARE INTERESTED !! ;)
As you may have guessed - im POSITIVE, CONFIDENT, and BLOODY LOVELY !
Oh n your going to have to play with minions in tescos with me !! USING VOICES !!!!!!
Ohhh BTW - IT'S DEFINATELY IN YOUR INTEREST TO CHAT WITH ME !!
WANT TO MEET FOR COFFEE, CHAT AND SEE IF THERE ARE SPARKS!!!
Why be on here if you don't want to meet?,
If you don't drive, sorrrrry - DO ONE  !!

See - That's totally me - nothing made up - and alllll me !!! Warts an all - Im getting about 50 messages a week - over three sites .... BUT - I met Andy On Tuesday - AND HE WAS LOVELY !!  - here you go - I did a youtube video about it - so - have a change and watch me !! ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGDSmFBa5h0

OMG - 532 views in 5 days - Not too  bad - one of my better videos - BUT not as good as a nightdress video which is on about 3and a half thousand views atm !! SOME MEN ARE PATHETIC !! - But - Not Andy,  he is lovely - and im off to meet him for Lunch tomorrow !! - Will keep you updated !! ....



WEDNESDAY

Ok - Weds - As you can imagine - I was exhausted after the date - and came home and went to bed - well - I woke up - after Tom had gone to school ( I never wake this late - and ALWAYS say Goodbye to him - so I was mortified that I didn't today ) I eventually got up after Cassia had gone to school - and had a coffee - Furious mood - Mum came round and dragged me out for a coffee - but I couldn't go very far - so just went t the Garden Centre - which was lovely - but - got home and that was it - crashed - Through the floor - went to bed - and slept and slept - and slept and slept

THURSDAY

AND SLEPT AND SLEPT AND SLEPT ( I would wake for short intivals - to go to the loo and to txt / message / facebook / tweet Then I would fall back to sleep again ...... then - When I finally woke at 5pm ish - I decided no-body wanted me - and no-body could cope with me - and I was destined to be alone for ever more - ( Derek and Rodney excused ) So - I came downstairs and asked Alan ( My EX Who lives downstairs )  - very very calmly for the car keys - REALLY HOLDING IT TOGETHER - He asked why - where was I going - I kinda stumbled and said I was fine - AND I WANTED THE KEYS = He obviously wouldn't give them to me, SO THATS IT - I WENT MENTAL  UTTERLY FLIPPED = SCREAMING / LOOKING AGGRESSIVE - SHOUTING - SWEARING - and so I grabbed a knife - went to the sink and tried to slit my wrist ( left one ) NO BLOODY ENERGY - AND NO BLOODY BLOOD - TRIED AGAIN - HARDER = I couldn't even really break the skin - ( I did a bit - stil have a few marks - but - no where near enough - and I just had no strength to go deeper = I was far too weak = Alan by this point had grabbed the knives away from me - and I was just uncontrollably sobbing - because I couldn't do it - Just no strength = He MADE me take Diazepam - ( I downed 8 in the end ) and I calmed down - Back to myself - ALL FINE - HAPPY AS LARRY - Within an hour I was watching THE FLASH with the Kids and having a lovely time - Laughing and Joking and just being 'normal' = Imagine living with THAT !!!!! No wonder Alan needs space and the kids are sooooooo empathic ... No-Body should have to live or cope with that behaviour ... Anyways - I went upto bed at 9.30pm with the kids - and slept till 7am the next day ....

FRIDAY
I cant even remember what I did on Friday now !! lmao - so - lets go to yesterday - I REMEMBER THAT !!

SATURDAY !!
Woke up very very happy - Came downstairs after a conversation in bed with Cassia = Only to see the EX on the phone - AND WELL - THATS IT - I HIT THE ROOF - no reason - I didn't want him to be on the phone - ( Nope - I have no idea either - as - it is no concern of mine - and really I have no interest ! - BUT - at the time - WELL - HOW FUCKING DARE HE !! ) - so - I went up to bed = and stayed there = Mum turned up at 2pm - Chatted with me - Just told me he was on phone to His mum and I should try and go out - WELL - THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO DO !!! = So Alan - ( OMG That man really is a saint sometimes ! ) said get ready, I said I wanted to have a shower - and then we will go out - so - this is what I did - all happy - and fine = - in the car and drove off - OHHHHHH SHIT - Tom said something - Cant even remember what it was now - and so - ( Thank god Alan was going slowly ) I got out of the moving car - and walked home - NOPE - NOT GOING - IF THEY DONT WANT ME THERE - I WONT BE - and nothing could be done to stop me - I walked  home - PHYSICALLY HURTING ( It was literally from the end of the road ) HEAD THROBBING - MAJOR PAIN - and went t my room - 5 mins later Alan came up - and said what Tom had said - and - Ohhhhhhhhhhh OK, I need to have a coffee - but then lets try again - Im ok now = SERIOUS - THATS AS FAST AS IT COMES ON AND GOES - We then went to Sainsburies = Laughing and having an absolute ball - myself and the children having an absolute blast = But - Alan telling us off as it wasn't a playground - and Cassia and I couldn't keep trying on hates and making so much noise - and we should STOP heckleing Andy = who was taking his kids to the Toilet - as his wife proclaimed in the lift - and NO - Cassia and I didn't want to go with Andy to the loo - we'd be ok - thank you for asking tho !! = Poor Alan couldn't keep track of me darting one way - Cass darting the other - and Tom saying that he wanted £20 of the £30 voucher we had for a pair of wireless Xbox one Headphones - and OMG They were soooooo much cheaper - and it would be a travesty if we were to leave them behind - and even though Alan said NO to him - he thought he would bring them with us - all around the shop JUST IN CASE Alan changed his mind !! = Which he OBVIOUSLY didn't !! This of course had me in hysterics - and then OMG THE ALARM ONY SOUNDED LIKE THE DRUMS OF OUT DOCTOR WHO - I SH*T YOU NOT ( Toms latest saying ) It scared the blinking life out of me - Tom Turned to me - Me at him - MOUTH OPEN - and just said = Time Lord = and so - all the way back to the car we were beating out the rhythm ..... ALL THE WAY DOWN THE TRAVELATORS - Which - Don't ever go on with me - unless you are wearing incontinence pads - as = apparently im quite funny = A Travelator to me is just like a blinking ride at Alton Towers - I have no co-ordination or - well - function of any kind - once I am on one of these - UNLESS = They have the feet painted on them ( as they do at Kings Cros Station - London ) = and if I can place my feet on these - well - ALL FINE - I AM SAFE - ohhhhh - only thing then is I do proceed to tell EVERYONE that there feet should be on the FEET - and if they are not - it is totally perilous and there own fault if they come to a sticky and rather nasty end ..... in a heap at the bottom - being stepped over and jumped on by all sorts of shoppers and commuters ..... I do actually feel VERY VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THIS ..... If there are feet there - USE THEM .....
OK - anyways - home - and all fine - Alan cooked the Indian that we bought - and we watch another Flash - and Im a Celebrity, had a lovely evening - Both kids loved it and I had a warm and snuggly Rodney sat on my lap, While Derek was on Tom's Lap - so all was lovely ....... Bed at 9.30pm........

SUNDAY

TODAY - Woke with a Cassia next to me = snuck in in the middle of the night - and just snuggles - occasionally saying - your over my side - move over - ( bloody cheek - I say and then we both collapse in a fit of giggles ) and way = Came down - fed cats - and asked Alan if he wanted a coffee - Yes - So made him one - Then - we sat chatting - and he said that if I took a couple of pills - I should be ok to come to Rugby to watch Tom play = WELL - I totally agreed - I felt fine - and thought the tabs would just keep me calm - and WHATA SUPERB IDEA - so - I went and showered - Cassia joined ;) = she then had a wash too ( copying ;) ! ) and then she chose me some clothes that wouldn't embarrass Tom ( I like very bright clothes  BUT = Cass said no - use less bright - so I had black trousers and a black top - but with VERY BRIGHT pattern on it = so ok - cool - Then I grabbed the only hat I now possess = one with a face on it

- and I LOVE IT - and a matching scarf - and well - I was ready - SOOO EXCITED - BUT - then I heard ( Or I thought I heard ) Tom say that he would be tooooo embarrassed if I was there - and he wouldn't be able to concentrate - WELL - THAT WAS IT - I WAS OFF AGAIN  F'ing and blinding - screaming, telling Tom I wanted nothing more to do with him and he was to live with his Nana - I had no son - I tend to say everything that is going to hurt both him and me the most - and I mean none of it - but CANT STOP MYSELF - Swearing the WORST POSSIBLE swear words at him - and I really would have thrown him down the stairs if he was at the top with me -

NO CONTROL IN THE SLIGHTEST .............................................
Another 6 Diazepam - quiet - no lights - no sound = and I am calm - Tom has gone to Rugby with Alan ( who I txt about 30 times telling HIM - HE was a Bast*** and everything else I could think of - and it was all his fault - and he wanted to build me up - only to knock me down = Then I got chatting via txt with some GREAT facebook mates - and LOW AND BEHOLD - IM OK AGAIN - 20 minutes after I sent Alan my last text - he phoned me - asked if I was ok - and told me he couldn't wait as Tom HAD to be at the match - BUT _ next week = Id go with them - and Tom was worried that the noise etc etc would set my head off - and he didn't want that to happen - THATS WHAT HE MEANT ! = Once again - I GOT IT WRONG = But - No - I bet Tom WONT talk to me - as I wont apologise for my behaviour - I have spoken with a Psychologist about this and they all agreed - lol there have been 5 of them - That - If I apologise - It makes it look as im in control - and TRUTH is - I am NOT - so - ok - Im sorry for upsetting Tom - BUT There is NOTHING I can do about it - and yes - IT WILL ALL HAPPEN AGAIN !!


LIVE WITH THAT !!!! Yup - that was my week - GOOD HEY - That's the reason I get so angry and anger txt people - people who complain that they cant do this and that - BUT - ACTUALLY - AT LEAST YOUR NOT A BURDEN TO AN EX HUSBAND AND YOUR MOTHER AT 41 YEARS OLD ... WITH NO FUCKING HOPE AT ALL OF GETTING BETTER, Even tho I keep being told That I am with the best University College in the world - with the best Endocrynologists and Neuro's around  - WELL BLOODY HELP ME THEN !!  - PMSL - Thank go I do have my sence of humour and personality - and pure ALLURE to keep me going !! ;)

TILL THE NEXT TIME !! ')

HALF TERM HOLIDAYS AND PITUITARY ME ......

OK OK - IF YOUR DOWN OR DEPRESSED - RUN FOR YOUR LIVES ....... DONT READ THIS AS IT WILL MAKE YOU WANNA TOP YOURSELF - OR ........ IT COULD KICK YOU INTO THINKING HOW LUCKY YOU ARE : Mmmmmmm - ok - so keep reading !! ( Oh bugger - ive already lost half of the readers now ! DAM WOMAN - THINK BEFORE YOU TYPE ! )

OK - It's March - lmao - NO it's not - it's ermmmm - ( Sitting squeezing eyes together to remember ) ermmm - it'sssssssss NOVEMBER - and i remembered that cause it was my mum's bithday last week - and her birthday is october - and its soon Nov 5th - and its now OMG IT'S THE FIRST OF NOVEMBER - Pinch Punch !! HAPPY NEW YEAR !! - ( See - thats what happens when i type what im thinking !! - OMG ! Imagine being in my head ! )

OK - so - the kids are off - Go Back Tuesday and Weds ( I have two kids !! - ie - one goes back tues and one goes back weds - yeah - ok - i guess that was self explainatary ! ) and well - it seems like all i have done is .... OHHH IM GONNA LIST THEM - CAUSE THATS WHAT PEOPLE DO - LIST !! In order of doneness .... whatever thats called - pmsl - as you can maybe tell - my brain isnt working atm !! OK - Here it goes Brace Yaself !! ...

SLEPT
BEEN ON PHONE ( YouTube/Facebook/Twitter/Google+ etc ) When i say that i have been on these - i mean i have gone on - and stayed there - zoned out and totally unable to bring myself back to the real world - i am there - and nothing stops me - i completely go into that 'other' world !! Someone actually came into the house - DOG WENT MAD - and i didnt budge !! They soon scarpered - Turned out it was the Postman who had a package !! REACTIONS TOTALLY GONE
CRYED
MADE VIDEOS - OMG THE VIDEOS !! ( just see YouTube and Facebook !! )
RAGED
HOOVERING
APPLIED ANUSOL
FED ANIMALS
BEEN MOODY
STARTED ARGUEMENTS
TALKED TO THE ANIMALS ( Ohh god - Burst into song here if you wish )
BEEN SUICIDAL
WASHING AND CLEANING
POPPED DIAZEPAM LIKE SMARTIES ( as they dont affect me )
PHONED MOTHER (!)
SHOUTED ALLLLLLLLAN - IVE BROKEN IT AGAIN
BROKEN THE HOOVER ( but still try and use it )
BROKEN THE TUMBLE DRYER
BROKEN THE LIGHT
TRIPPED THE TRIP SWITCH PUTTING A KNIFE INTO THE TOASTER ( Ohh i know )
LOOKED AT THE CAT ( DEREK ) THROUGH THE DOOR GAP - BECAUSE WE BOTH FIND THAT HYSTERICAL !
GONE OUT A FEW TIMES WITH MUM FOR COFFEE / LOOK AROUND SHOPS
HAD HYSTERIA FOR NO REASON ( laughing )
HAD HYSTERIA FOR A REASON ( Usually TV something stupid )
THREATENED MY SON FOR BEING ARGUEMENTATIVE, THEN WENT INTO ANOTHER RAGE
WENT TO SHOPS AND STORMED - GOT BROUGHT HOME
MADE HALLOWEEN COSTUME WITH MY DAUGHTER ( LOVED THIS )

OK - Thats really about it - in 2 weeks = Mmmmmmmmm - Now im thinking

THIS IS NO WAY FOR A 40 YEAR OLD TO LIVE ...... CANT GET OUT ALONE, CANT DO ANYTHING BECAUSE IT CAUSES TO MUCH PAIN - CANT DRIVE BECAUSE IM TOO VOLATILE - AM JUST ANXIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING , AND THEN I WORRRY ABOUT WORRYING - ITS RIDICULAS - BUT - THE MAIN THING IM SO UPSET ABOUT - IS NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH MY KIDS - I CANT EVEN THINK TO TALK TO THEM MOST OF THE TIME - AND THEN WHEN I DO - I EITHER CONCENTRATE SO MUCH I BRING ON A STORM AND THEN I CANT TALK - OR I TALK UTTER RUBBISH BECAUSE MY BRAIN DOESNT WORK !! BECAUSE I CAN TYPE AND WRITE THINGS DOWN - I HAVE TXT MY SON AND DAUGHTER WHAT I FEEL ABOUT THEM AND HOW FRUSTRATING IT ALL IS - BUT - NOTHING IN RETURN .... WOULD THEY MISS ME IF I WAS GONE ..... I KNOW THEY WOULD MISS ME - BUT - I DONT DO ANYTHINGTHING FOR THEM - SO - NO - THEY WOULD GET OVER IT - OK - I KNOW THATS HARSH - BUT THESE TWO LOVELY KIDS AND ALL I WANNA DO IS RUN WITH THEM AND GO FOR WALKS AND SIMPLE STUFF - BUT I CANT EVEN MANAGE THAT - EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH -

JUST SMILE 

THE EX DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH ME - BUT IS HERE AS HE KNOWS I DONT HAVE HELP OR SUPPORT ( APART FROM MY MUM WHO IS FAB ) AND I HAVE MANY MANY OFFERS OF SUPPORT ( I KNOW MY AUNT WOULD SEE THIS THROUGH ) BUT - EVERYONE ELSE IS FAR TOO BUSY AND CANT ABIDE BY WHAT THEY SAY THIS IN TURN FRUSTRATES THE LIFE OUT OF ME - BUT I TOTALLY GET THAT - SO - WHY DO I BOTHER ..... PEOPLE ARNT BOTHERED WITH ME - I CANT DO ANYTHING - IM OF NO USE TO ANYONE - I CANT EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE OR DO THE WASHING UP SOMETIMES - FUCKING USELESS - BUT - WHAT I DO IT KEEP MY CHIN UP - I MAKE OTHERS SMILE - ( lmao - but not right at this exact moment !!! ;) !! ) I DO YOUTUBE VIDEOS ABOUT POSITIVITY AND CONFIDENCE FOR FAT PEOPLE, AND I TRY TO DO INSIGHTFUL VIDEOS - BUT NOT DEPRESSING ABOUT MY ILLNESS - AND I MAKE A VIDEO BLOG - AND COMMENTS I HAVE HAD HAVE ALL BEEN FABULOUS - AND - OK - WHILE I DO LOVE DOING THIS - THATS ALL I HAVE - AS I CANT DO ANYTHING ELSE .... I CANT EVEN GET INTO TOWN FOR A COFFEE WITH SOMEONE - I NEED A LIFT FROM SOMEONE I KNOW, AND WHO EVER I AM MEETING MUST UNDERSTAND WHAT IM LIKE !! IN CASE I LOSE MY SPEECH OR LOSE MY REACTIONS / CONCENTRATIONS ETC ........ I REALLY AM DEPENDENT ON EVERYONE ... AT 40 - AND I HATE IT ..............

THE KIDS - WHILE THEY HAVE BEEN OFF - HAVE BEEN TO WILDWOOD AND WINGHAM AND CANTERBURY AND FIREWORKS DISPLAYS AND HALLOWEEN PARTIES AND THE ZOMBIE CRAWL AND MADAME TAUSAUDS - ALL OF WHICH I COULDNT DO - BECAUSE OF SOCIAL ANXIETY AND THE FACT IT WOULD TIRE ME JUST GETTING TO THESE PLACES - LET ALONE THE THOUGHT NEEDED TO ACTUALLY DO THE EVENT !! OHHH AND THINGS I COULD HAVE MADE IT TOO - FOR EXAMPLE THE ZOMBIE CRAWL - OHHHH MY GOD - IT WOULD HAVE, I WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE DIED, THE FRIGHT WOULD HAVE STOPPED MY HEART BEATING - AND ID BE DEAD ON THE FLOOR - PEOPLE WALKING OVER ME THINKING I WAS PLAYING ALONG - BUT - NO - MY IMAGINATION IS SOOO MUCH - THAT I WOULD AND AM ACTUALLY PETRIFIED BY ANYTHING LIKE THIS - ANYONE DRESSED UP - SCARES THE LIVING SHITE OUT OF ME - OMMMMMMMMMG - NOW THERES A THOUGHT - LIVING SHITE - WHATS THAT ALL ABOUT ??? HAVE I JUST MADE THAT UP ?? - I DO THAT ALOT !!

OK - SO THE KIDS HAVE DONE ALL THIS - BEEN REALLY BUSY - AND HAD A FAB TIME - AND - IVE BEEN NO-WHERE TO BE SEEN - THEY HAVE DONE IT ALL WITH OTHER PEOPLE ....... MAINLY THE EX - WHO IS FABULOUS - BUT - HE IS UNDER THE IMPRESSION - AND YEAH OK I GUESS ITS RIGHT - THAT THE KIDS SHOULD DO STUFF WITHOUT ME - THAN NOTHING AT ALL - OHHH 100% THEY SHOULD - BUT - ID LIKE TO BE INCLUDED SOMEWHERE - AND WHEN I AM INCLUDED - ITS STUFF I KNOW I CAN DO - AND IT BORES THE LIFE OUT OF THE KIDS ... SO ALL THEY SEE - IS ME BEING BORING - AND IM NOT - IM SO NOT BORING !! ( Ohhhh - Just remembered Cassia and I did go to druidstone wildlife park and gardens the other day - second go as first go mum tried to take us = but - i started storming in the car - as the movement starts me off - and she bought me home - and Cassia and i looked for Unicorns and had a wonderful time - so - ok - i have had one lovely day with Cass !! - NOW i want one with Tom - But he is back to school on Tuesday - and needs tomorrow to do his homework !!!  )

BELOW IS VIDEO CASSIA AND I TOOK WHILE LOOKING FOR UNICORNS !!

https://www.facebook.com/abigail.barry/videos/10153745043545439/


Omg- this is turning into a woe is me blog - I do apologise !! - and most people would turn and say - well get off your arse and do something about it- and yes yes - i have a reaction - I dont do anything - because - if i do - i end up concentrating too much and either raging or trying to top myself ( Just Thursday the ex had done all my tablets for the week - and put them in the pill box - I emptied them all and had them all in my mouth - ( anyone that knows me knows that I HAVE A VERY BIG MOUTH !! ) ready to swallow - but - Alan just told me they wouldnt do much - they would pump my stomach and leave me in much the same situation as now - all because i have enough hormone and adrenaline in my body to counteract these certain tablets - WELL BOLLOX ON THAT ONE  - I need a million bloody paracetamol - and if i got them - i would have the ones that i cant swallow and disolve in my mouth and leave such a horrible taste - ffs - cant do anything properly - anyways - i spat them out in the bin - and took Diazepam and just lay there - FUCKING IRRITATED !!So basicaly - i do nothing with my kids - well - nothing apart from cleaning / washing / getting dinner sorted and thats it -

THIS IS THE RESULT OF WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DO JUST A SIMPLE THING -

https://www.facebook.com/abigail.barry/videos/10153735508780439/

My mum comes and takes me for a coffee twice a week ( but phones and txts daily )  - and my Aunt once a week ( Which i have had to put off alot - ass i really feel i am tooo much on her ) and thats it - Mum is also here tues and weds and one day at the weekend so the ex can go out - ( which to me is a fucking laugh - as he can go out when ever he wants when the kids are at school - AND HE DOES )

ok ok - im just ranting and stomping my foot now - and my bloody headache is back - and my neck is now hurting from being on the computer !! - MOAN MOAN MOAN - OMG - I NEVER USED TO BE MOANEY = I USED TO BE A JOY - LMAO !! ALL THIS BECAUSE THE BLOODY CONSULTANTS CANT GET THEIR ASSES INTO GEAR !!! ( Ohhh yeah - I had my MRI on Sunday, up in London - i did that as well  - thats when the kids went to Wildwood ! - and they rang me on TUESDAY - YES THE TUESDAY AFTER - to tell me that they had found the Tumour  in my head - but - they want to do more tests - so - to wait for the letter to instruct my GP what to do - and then stuff would be put in practise - STILL WAITING !!! )

ohhhhh Someone i have never met on one of my social media sites though - did me a channel art for my pages to link them all together - now - i could have been VERY INSULTED or love it - and actually - i love it - so - thats ONE GOOD THING THAT HAPPENED !! BELOW IS A COPY OF IT !!!

lmao - ohhhhh - ok - that'll do for now - i will add a few cheery pictures to this - to show what i am like on the outside - to what is actually going on - may make more sence !!

Anyways - have a lovely fucking sunday night ;) = pmsl

AWW THIS WILL CHEER ALL THE LADIES UP ;) XXX

AND THIS WILL CHEER ALL THE MEN UP ;)
DONT SAY I NEVER GIVE YOU ANYTHING !!

xx